So i've been friends with this guy for nearly a year now and its looking like we are going to get together pretty soon as we have both made our interest clear. There are just a few things that bother me about him but I find them quite important and as this is LH these things relate to sex. Being friends the topic of sex has come up quite a few times, his views as they stand generally dont bother me but they might be an issue in a relationship between us. His views are that women should be innocent and ladylike at all times, he doesnt like to think of women masturbating as he says there is no need for it and therefore of sex toys. He doesnt watch porn as the fact the women have had many partners is repulsive to him. He doesnt think that there is any need for "extras" in the bedroom just two naked people is all that is needed. I also love my lingerie which again he doesnt see the point of. This is a particular problem as I am quite adventurous and love trying new things and I have mentioned a few things i'd like to try but he never encouraged me or showed any interest at all. In everything else he is a really great guy its just this which is bugging me but could be a real issue that I wont be happy about. I also dont want to have to hide my sex toys or worse get rid of them just because they make him uncomfortable.
I think first and foremost, don't change yourself to conform to his expectations. He likes you for who you are and that is part of you.
Personally I would wait for opportunity for him to make a similar statement that you've already mentioned, and disagree with him and state what your opinions are. Then that way, he'll have to accept you have your own views and will give him food for thought. Which is possibly easier to deal with, than finding one of your toys shoved down the sofa from your afternoon enjoyment. Maybe just talk about it as matter of fact. So if he isn't keen on women masterbating, then tell him that out of respect you will be discreet about it, but that under no circumstance is it something that you are willing negotiate on. The positive thing is that you are able to set the ground rules from the onset rather than trying to deal with it after you've been together a while. If all this happens before you get together, then that allows him to decided if he is willing to accept that these things come as part and parcel of you.
You've had the luck to get to know the guy as a friend for almost a year, which is great because you now know a lot about him that you wouldn't have if you jumped straight into a relationship. So it's good that you know all this now.
As others have said, you shouldn't change yourself for him. I'm curious that he knows that you masturbate, use toys, watch porn etc etc, he doesn't agree with it and yet he still wants to get together with you? That doesn't make sense to me, if you're not sexually compatible then it won't work out. What's going to happen when you want some time to yourself and he objects? That isn't going to end well.
I'd be very careful about going into a relationship with him, and talk to him about your worries in this regard before it gets serious?
DD - I know where you are coming from, and if people aren't compatible in the bedroom, then it is going to be a huge problem in the relationship. However I would also at that one key consideration is to what extent this guy is stuck in his ways or open to suggestion. If everyone thinks back long and hard, we were all sweet, innocent, and naive (well apart from one or two of the OA ladies, I picture them to always be the way they are!). Maybe its a case of he's not had that exposure and had a really sheltered life, needing someone to challenge his perceptions and show him the light (or the dark).
However if he is stuck in his ways, the future doesn't look bright or orange. But good luck anyway x
He is pretty stuck in his ways on a number of issues including this one and is willing to cut people out of his life if their behaviour offends him. He has spoken of not seeing his mother anymore but that was for another reason, he calls his sister an adulterous slut and doesnt speak to her. He used to love Lily Allen until she has that song "not ok" about bad sex and now he thinks shes a whore and so wont listen to her. I've tried to talk to him about it saying what my views are but he doesnt listen and changes the subject. I have asked him what if I want to do something in the bedroom that he doesnt want to but he says I wont as he will completely satisfy me on his own. He is older than me and has had 9 relationships so isnt inexperienced, I want to pry a bit to see if his past partners have had this affect on him but I dont really want to upset him.
But to me he sounds a bit stuck up his own arse (sorry to say). But it does sound like you are going to clash alot....
MH! Although I am incined to agree with you, you can't say that without knowing the guy and his background. Schibi obviously likes him and it's good that she's had chance to get to know him as a friend first.
But I have to say Schibi, you really don't sound compatable when it comes to sex, I know they say opposites attract but I don't see it working in this case. I am curious as to why he has those views - strict religious upbringing maybe? Or maybe he's shy and has actually never experienced the things he claims to be against.
Don't change for him though, you are a sexual person and have needs too and he should respect that. Don't you be getting rid of anything just because he's uncomfortable. Sounds like you need to have a frank chat about it if you're going to get together, lay your cards on the table and make sure he knows that you do enoy the things he doesn't. If he isn't prepared to let you have your pleasure then i'd be saying goodbye. If not you'll be in for quite a boring sex life! xx
He is pretty stuck in his ways on a number of issues including this one and is willing to cut people out of his life if their behaviour offends him. He has spoken of not seeing his mother anymore but that was for another reason, he calls his sister an adulterous slut and doesnt speak to her. He used to love Lily Allen until she has that song "not ok" about bad sex and now he thinks shes a whore and so wont listen to her. I've tried to talk to him about it saying what my views are but he doesnt listen and changes the subject. I have asked him what if I want to do something in the bedroom that he doesnt want to but he says I wont as he will completely satisfy me on his own. He is older than me and has had 9 relationships so isnt inexperienced, I want to pry a bit to see if his past partners have had this affect on him but I dont really want to upset him.
Wow.....either this guy is reeeaallly boring or something major must have happened in the past to have this effect on him. He sounds really extreme - cutting people out of his life?? Sounds like he doesn't know how to communicate or see things from another persons perspective! You don't want to upset him? He doesn't sound bothered about the effect he's having on you!
And why is it ok for him to have had nine partners in the past but its not ok for a woman to have done the same? I know you know him and we have only heard a snippet of what he's like on here, and haven't heard about all the good things he might have done, but i'm sorry to say Schibi i'd be running for the hills!
Someone had a very similar problem to this, and I can't for the life of me remember who it was or what was the name of the thread so you could search for it.
i'm sorry to hear that he is so stuck in his ways, however i do not think that it is right for him to act in a way that is so uncaring and inconsiderate to other peoples views and opinions. you should not have to fear loosing him if you choose to be yourself sexually.
sometimes people change over time. and unfortunatley this is one of those things you are going to have to keep pressing him on answers when he tries to change the subject or dosen't listen. communication is the cornerstone of any relationship. remove distractions like TV, phones ect and talk face to face while remaining calm.
delving into his past may upset him, but if you think it may hold the answers to why he is this way then to a certain extent he should help explain why. if it does upset him while you are talking, offer lots of un jugmental acceptance and support
Schibi - Am I right in thinking he's pretty much a "What I say goes" kinda guy?
Pretty much although he has met his match in me because im the opposite of a pushover and generally dont do anything I dont want to .
Good for you! I think you need to make sure you adopt this in the bedroom as well or you could be flogging a dead horse...and you know flogging is only fun when you can hear them grunt or screamExternal Media
I think i'd still like to be with him since I would feel better if I tried and broke up with him for a real reason rather than for a presumed reason. I have been working on him a bit and questioning his opinions on things and on some things he has seen reason. When we were discussing a possible relationship a while back he did mention not wanting his heart broken again. I had thought maybe an ex he really loved cheated on him, that would effect me in a bad way. I was thinking of introducing things slowly, if he doesnt budge and its something that I wont ever be happy with then i'll leave him. Im not really prepared to change anything about myself that doesnt need changing, he can choose to end it just as much as I can.
Plank him on a seat and lay it out to him, I think is the best solution, and just see what happens from there. You never know, he might just be intimidated by your confidence with such matters!
It kinda sounds like a disaster waiting to happen to me, Schibi :( I mean, anyone who calls their sister an adulterous slut... that's not really good in my book.
If you're prepared to give it a chance, you're a much bigger woman than I - I don't think I could even be friends with someone who held women and sex in such contempt, never mind go out with someone like that. Good luck with it.
I'd be inclinded to agree however I'd do exactly what Schibi is going to do (by the sounds of it) and take the attitude of better to try and fail than to fail to try.
It kinda sounds like a disaster waiting to happen to me, Schibi :( I mean, anyone who calls their sister an adulterous slut... that's not really good in my book.
If you're prepared to give it a chance, you're a much bigger woman than I - I don't think I could even be friends with someone who held women and sex in such contempt, never mind go out with someone like that. Good luck with it.
Its not all women though just the women he thinks are "immoral", like adulters (his sister is in a relationship with a married man) and whores etc.
It kinda sounds like a disaster waiting to happen to me, Schibi :( I mean, anyone who calls their sister an adulterous slut... that's not really good in my book.
If you're prepared to give it a chance, you're a much bigger woman than I - I don't think I could even be friends with someone who held women and sex in such contempt, never mind go out with someone like that. Good luck with it.
Its not all women though just the women he thinks are "immoral", like adulters (his sister is in a relationship with a married man) and whores etc.
I totally respect your choice to give him a shot, Schibi, and I really don't want to make you feel bad or anything, but... who the hell is he to judge who's a whore and who's not? Are you sure he doesn't think you're a whore for your past sexual conduct? He already judges you for having toys.
I just think an attitude like that - thinking it's ok to call ANY woman a whore, never mind his actual sister - speaks of a greater lack of respect for women in general. And that's not someone I would want to be with, to be honest. But if you're ok with that, then that's your shout. I honestly wish you the very best of luck.
Well as I said im going to give it a go, who knows maybe I will get him to change some of his views. Either way I have nothing to lose so I might as well try.
