I'm asking on behalf of a friend who has had this issue with her partner for a long time. He has a really low interest in sex, however he still (to our knowledge) watches porn and has his 'man-time' so to speak.
She has broached the subject of porn with him many times in an effort to try and find out what exactly he watches so she could replicate it in the bedroom for him but to no avail. However, during a discussion about incest porn he apparently went very quiet and didn't really give indication that he was very against it (which she is), so that raised our suspicions somewhat.
We've had months of trouble together trying to work out how best to better their sex life or find out what porn he is watching but no success. I guess I'm asking for advice on how she could raise his interest in sex with her? Or how she could approach the porn subject with a view to getting a straight answer out of him?
I think that talking about it is the right thing to do which she has obviously tried but he seems reluctant to admit to what he does let alone have a discussion about why and and how to improve their sex life. personally I think she now has to be blunt and say "I know that you do spend time waatching porn and masturbating even though you show little interest in sex with me. Do you think it woukd help if we watched it together, or maybe took a break from watching porn and give your attention to me?"
Yeah I agree with mrs average. I think a very blunt appraoch would be the best thing to do. It's obviously an upsetting and worrying issue for her and trying subtle hints can only get you so far. I'm not suggesting a full blown argument just a chat.
We aren't having sex enough- why do you think this is?
"I know that you watch porn, this makes me feel _____"
"Is there anything you want to talk about or change regarding our sex life"
I agree. You're gonna have to be blunt with him. It's supposed to be a relationship. Not a one sided affair. This guy needs to be paying more attention to his gf and fulfilling her needs, not just sexually but emotionally too. He should see that it bothers her, otherwise he is being rather selfish.
I wouldn't suggest an ultimatum. (Me or the porn, choose?) That'd be a bit unfair. We all have our own interests in life, our own hobbies etc, his just happens to be pornography. A little unorthodox, but still something he enjoys obviously. It'd be uncompromising to ask him to give it up. Try and share his hobby. Watch together. Maybe act out scenes you both like. Just as long as it's to both your tastes.
If he seems reluctant to talk about it at all, I don't know what to suggest I'm afraid.
I don't understand why she would need to know exactly what type of porn he is watching, maybe he just thinks of this as invading his privacy.
Mostly all men watch porn now and then, and it's not a big deal, but if it's affecting her sex life, just tell her to talk to him, and tell him she wants more sex. The porn doesn't even have to be brought up, especially what type of porn it is. I think that's maybe wanting too much information.
He may be watching stuff that he feels unable to admit too? (not necessarily illegal and sick stuff BTW) say something like "shemale" porn. if he gets off on that he may feel like telling his OH would disgust her?
She needs to be careful IMO. It is invading his privacy but it could also be invading his fantasies and he's not ready, willing or feels unable to express them.
Showed your responses to my friend who admitted that she has tried quite a few times to approach in the ways you suggest, by talking gently about it and asking him how he feels personally about their sex life.
She's gotten to the point where she has nigh on given up on sex herself which breaks my heart!
Does anyone think that she could take the issue further with him? Or is it perhaps a case of presenting an ultimatum? I know that a lot of advice she's had is 'break up' but I don't think she really wants to.
I think that talking about it is the right thing to do which she has obviously tried but he seems reluctant to admit to what he does let alone have a discussion about why and and how to improve their sex life.
personally I think she now has to be blunt and say "I know that you do spend time waatching porn and masturbating even though you show little interest in sex with me. Do you think it woukd help if we watched it together, or maybe took a break from watching porn and give your attention to me?"
MNMs I agree with Mrs average. If your freind has the confidence she could try and shock him by putting some porn on for herself to watch when she knows he will walkin on her to provoke a discussion. I like porn some times but Iam able too leave it alone if I thought it would detract from my physical relationship with my OH. For some men it is highley addictive. If your friend really cares about their relationship she must confront him Communication is the key. Good luck to you and your friend.