Rant Thread - Get it all out here

I hope they do.

Got a fair few long term friends that if i didn’t make the effort to contact them, i’d never hear from them again. I just think some people are like that. Don’t take it personally, yes it’s disappointing but that’s life. I will admit that i have purposely stopped making the effort with some just to see if they’d contact me, but no, and they faded away.

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No need to reply but I won’t be mad if anyone does. I just need to get this off my chest. And TW - this post deals with cancer and death. I’ve hidden the text for anyone that may not wish to read the content.

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Back in June, my grandfather was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer. I had seen him a few days prior to his diagnosis. I then got very busy with work, and other things and I got a call from my mother towards the end of august to say that if I haven’t been to see him, I needed to go and see him as they didn’t think he had long. As soon as I could, I was down to see him. This was on the 26th August.

He was confined to his bed, and was incredibly frail. He wasn’t able to breathe properly, and would often try to speak, but it wouldn’t make any sense. I sat with him for a little while until he went to sleep and then I went back downstairs and cried. My nan was struggling and my aunt had quit her job in order to move in and help take care of them both. She was exhausted and I said that whatever help she needed, she just needed to ask. I didn’t know what to do but I let her know that I was available for anything. I had arranged to come and visit again a few days later; on the 29th. By this time, his condition had deteriorated further and he was now on oxygen and was having pain medication administered intravenously.

It was gut-wrenching to see my once strong granddad, who was stubborn, argumentative but always game for a laugh; reduced to this. I went a did some food shopping for my nan and my aunt (who had now been joined by my other aunt who was a retired nurse). I again offered my help in any other way and was told that they were OK but if there was anything, they’d let me know.

I had then planned to come down on the Wednesday; but that morning I was called by my mother to warn me not to go; as there were now 4 nurses in the house, along side my nan, 2 aunts and her - so It wouldn’t be a good idea to have 2 more people in the house, but that she would keep me updated throughout the day. at 6pm that evening, she called to say that she had just gotten home, and that he was stable and resting, and that she was going over again tomorrow and will let me know more then. At 11:47pm, she called again to say she had been told to get over ASAP and at 12:01am on the Thursday, my Aunt called to say that he had passed.

The funeral was held this past Wednesday and I’m struggling with these intense feelings of guilt. Guilt that I didn’t get over to see him sooner. Guilt over not helping out more. It’s hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. I’m keeping in touch with my aunt and I’m arranging to visit my nan soon, and often. But right now, I’m feeling like the worse grandson in the world; and my husband has told me that there was nothing more I could have done, and that I shouldn’t feel guilty for living my own life. But I just… I don’t know. I just feel terrible.

That was a bit of a long one. I’m sorry. x

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It’s only human to feel like you could have done more, and because we never know when we are going to lose a loved one, even a terminal one, there are often things we feel we could/should have done or said.
I once missed a visit to a relative who was in hospital, intending to go a couple of days later, but they died unexpectedly, and i had the guilt hanging over me for ages.
Life is full of if’s and buts and if only’s and the fact you feel so guilty, is because you have a heart and care. I’m sure your grandad knew how much you loved him.

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