Relationship advice.. is it over??

Off-Topic Chat
1

For ages my relatiship has not been right. We argue, but make up, but the bad things still stay there. It doesn't help that we have a big age gap putting pressure on us. I am 100% dedicated to him and would do anything for him. When we where first seeing each other it was just sex, nothing more. After sleeping with him no more than four times, I slept with someone else. He then found at at xmas time, a year into our relationship and went mad. He still holds it to me to this day. He is convinced when I went on holiday in june, with my mum, that I cheated on him. This is because he forgot my birthday which was while I was away, and when I came back I was so upset about it and tried not to make a big deal, but after talking to a friend and remembering things from the past I realised things where not great. He dedcided I cheated on him because I was off and no matter what I say he just cant belive me. I wont even talk to another man, I'v deleted all my old friends out my life and my life style for him. Problem is he is never going to change, not for me or anyone. I know we arent forever, but I love him so much. I live with him and my parents dont technically know about him.. They do but I wont admit it.

I'm so upset, he sometimes says such awful things, and I justify them with he is a weed addict.. but how loing can you keep lying to yourself for?? He just stormed out the house because I burnt his garlic bread by accident. I think its because I didnt want to do sex this morning or last night, even though we did it yesterday luinch, this automatically means that I dont fancy him/there is something wrong with me.

What do I do.. keep trying.. or admit defeat and go back home?? I'm in tears because I love him and so want it to work, but he isnt changing fir anyone. We never go out.. he never suprises me.. HELP??

2

And before I went away again in July he told me he felt like he was going to cheat on me ect but didnt want to.. I dont think he did.. we sorted it before I went, or so I though.. I found fb messages to some woman asking if she was still single and calling himself a rolling stone and referring to me as his cocksucker rather than his gf of two years. :'(

3

I think you're better off out of there - he sounds like a complete arsehole. The sooner you end it, the sooner you'll be able to find someone who actually deserves you.

Good luck!

4

I hope this isn't too harsh, but he sounds awful. He sounds like a master manipulator -- finding things to be angry with you about to minimise your (legitimate) issues with him. There's a word for this, it's called gaslighting, and it's a very insidious form of mental abuse. You begin to question yourself, and believe yourself to be bad or unworthy, because why else would he be mad at you all the time?

The fact that you've eliminated all your own friends and other men from your life because you felt you had to in order to keep him happy -- that's a huge red flag. Even if he didn't explicitly ask you to do this, he has pressured you into isolating yourself so that you have nobody to turn to, nobody to tell you how unreasonable he's being. Even your family is being kept from the truth.

A reasonable person would not storm out of the house over garlic bread, and his FB messages to the other women show you how little he really respects you. I think, from what you've told us, that you would be much better off alone than with this man. It is so hard to put yourself before someone you are in love with -- but you have to put your own needs first. You can't sacrifice your happiness, wellbeing and safety for this man, he is not worth it.

5

I cant really see what either of you get out of it, if he cant put things behind him then he and you cant move on.

6

He is always telling me that nobody else would treat me as nice as he does and that my friends are shit stirring and he is lovely to me, because he drives me to work. I know deep down that I need to break up with him, but I'm scared of being alone.. and going home to live with my parnets after all this. I'v lied to them for two years and they know I'm with him but I dont admit it. I'm so upset atm, He hasn't even text or called he seemed so mad when he stormed out. I feel like I'm constantly trying to make up for things, cleaning the house and stuff in hope that will make me see how great I am. Im still hurt he forgot my birthday and never even got me a card to say sory or even took me out :(

7

hornyfish wrote:

I'v deleted all my old friends out my life and my life style for him.

Oh you shouldn't have to do this at all, it was at this point when I was reading your text that I thought nope, definitely get away.

It's a different situation but:

I'm in tears because I love him and so want it to work, but he isnt changing fir anyone.

When me and my ex broke up I was still very much in love with her but we both knew the relationship was just absolutely not right and it was just heading towards a black hole. To start with I felt very lonely and like I was missing my right arm but now I feel absolutely 110% better than I did when I was in the relationship - I can go out, enjoy myself, spend my money how I want, make friends (of which I have made quite a few close ones..strictly friends but it has really made me realise just how much friendship, even with members of the opposite sex, can mean), enjoy simple things like music and comedy again too..now I am looking for another relationship again but when I do I will make sure it is the right one where I can enjoy some of these things still and not have to give up my life to be with someone.. and to me it sounds like you will be absolutely better off out of this relationship where you can enjoy your life again and then find the right person.

a couple of pointers - firstly concentrate on why you would be better off out of this relationship and where the areas of your life you are missing out on at the moment and what can you rebuild. DO NOT fall into the trap where you think that your life can't function without him and it's worth missing out on stuff because you love him - it's not, a relationship should be something you enjoy with and without your partner.

Secondly, if you do end it, make ABSOLUTE sure you do not spend all your time sitting at home and crying and dwelling on it, the easy fix for this is to go back to him to end the sadness. The better long term fix is to get yourself out the house, go make some friends, repair relationships with old ones, have some nights out, find new things to take up (local clubs?). I've listened to so many people saying they can't break up with their partners because they are isolated and if they didn't have them they'd have nothing..rubbish..there are so many opportunities and wonderful things out there for you to try and you may feel low yourself and like you can't make friends but there are people just waiting around the corner who'd love to be your friend! Remember - strangers are friends you just haven't talked to yet

but I'm scared of being alone.. and going home to live with my parnets after all this

Oh don't be scared about that..or ashamed, I'm currently living with my family after finding myself homeless after a previous breakup and I have to say currently there is very little downside to it..sure you need your space but it is a GREAT way to get yourself back on your feet..you may have told them a few porkies but pfft they're your parents, they'll forgive you..will give you a massive boost having people around you to support you and maybe even help you explore some of the new things like I was talking about above!

8

I'm probably the worst person to give relationship advice, i'm normally the one asking for it... But I can tell you this, if they want to change anything about you, or anything you want to do for yourself, without you first wanting to change for YOURSELF, then get out of the relationship...

Its how I have to now take this terrible gap year due to the fact my ex went on and on about her not wanting me to go to university for fear of me meeting someone else, apparently I would be eager to cheat on her and everything, no matter how many times I told her nothing like that would happen for the feelings I have for her. She still wouldn't believe it, so I caved in and just said I wouldn't go to university... Biggest mistake of my life.

Using that only a personal example from my life... Be who you are, not who someone wants you to be... If they want you to be who you are not... They are not who you want.

9

hornyfish wrote:

He is always telling me that nobody else would treat me as nice as he does and that my friends are shit stirring and he is lovely to me, because he drives me to work. I know deep down that I need to break up with him, but I'm scared of being alone.. and going home to live with my parnets after all this. I'v lied to them for two years and they know I'm with him but I dont admit it. I'm so upset atm, He hasn't even text or called he seemed so mad when he stormed out. I feel like I'm constantly trying to make up for things, cleaning the house and stuff in hope that will make me see how great I am. Im still hurt he forgot my birthday and never even got me a card to say sory or even took me out :(

He is wrong, because he does not treat you nicely at all. A stranger in the street would treat you better than this man who is supposed to love you.

Your parents want you to be happy -- it's not a weakness to move back in with them, it takes a huge amount of strength to leave a bad situation and accept help. Please please love yourself enough to leave.

10

shellyboo wrote:

hornyfish wrote:

He is always telling me that nobody else would treat me as nice as he does and that my friends are shit stirring and he is lovely to me, because he drives me to work. I know deep down that I need to break up with him, but I'm scared of being alone.. and going home to live with my parnets after all this. I'v lied to them for two years and they know I'm with him but I dont admit it. I'm so upset atm, He hasn't even text or called he seemed so mad when he stormed out. I feel like I'm constantly trying to make up for things, cleaning the house and stuff in hope that will make me see how great I am. Im still hurt he forgot my birthday and never even got me a card to say sory or even took me out :(

He is wrong, because he does not treat you nicely at all. A stranger in the street would treat you better than this man who is supposed to love you.

Your parents want you to be happy -- it's not a weakness to move back in with them, it takes a huge amount of strength to leave a bad situation and accept help. Please please love yourself enough to leave.

I agree. Look after yourself. Can you really see (and deal) with yourself being this hurt and upset forever? Love yourself first, since you're the most important person in all of this. x

11

I have just gone through a similar thing with my OH (he thought I had cheated on him) so speaking from experience in that field, I think it's best to move on. If he has doubts about you and won't believe you then there's no trust. You can't have a relationship without trust. He even said that he might cheat on you.

This man does not treat you right. Every woman deserves the best and your not getting it. It's hard to be alone but being alone and happy is better than being with someone and unhappy.

Your parents will only want the best for you and I'm sure they will support you with your desisions. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Hold your head high and say no more. You deserve better hun.

*hugs* SBB xx

12

This sounds like an awful situation and I do agree with everyone else, your partner does not sound like a pleasant person.

My first relationship was an abusive relationship, I knew this 3 months from us starting dating and yet I was besotted with him and stayed with him for a further three years.

Ending things with him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, he had that ability to make everything seem like my fault and make me feel guilty. I feared being alone, I’d lost most of my friends from staying with him; I was also worried about his reaction if I finished it him being a very destructive person. But I must say breaking up with him was the best decision of my life. And looking back those years I spent with him were the worst.

I know it is hard to see things in perspective in present day, but if you make a brave decision you can look back in the future and I’m sure everything will make more sense.

There are hundreds of nice men out there who will treat you so much better and I’ve been very lucky to have had two very loving and enjoyable relationships since my first boyfriend.

It is such a scary thing but being single is fun, you can enjoy your friendships without being tied down with commitments you can focus more on yourself, making you feel good without having a man to put you down and when the time comes I’m sure someone lovely will fall onto your path and make you very happy!

Just think about what really makes you happy with this guy and whether it’s worth it, because to me from the way it sounds you would be so much better without him!

Much love.

13

Not the place to ask peoples ages but you come across as very young, I am sure your parents would be supportive if you went back, I/we would

14

I will be honest I read the opening post but not the whole thread.

This sounds very much like domestic abuse, emotional blackmail and manipulation. By cutting you off from friends and family he is controlling you. Making it more difficult to leave him.

My advice, get out and do it sooner rather than later. Wait until he is out pack everything you can and leave. If someone refered to me as their cocksucker they would not even qualify for a good bye.

I know that sounds harsh but you deserve better, it won't be an easy ride but your confidence will come back and he will eventually become a mistake you once made. Learn from it, move on to someone who treats you right and respects you.

Good luck with it

xGGx

15

ghostgirl wrote:

I will be honest I read the opening post but not the whole thread.

This sounds very much like domestic abuse, emotional blackmail and manipulation. By cutting you off from friends and family he is controlling you. Making it more difficult to leave him.

My advice, get out and do it sooner rather than later. Wait until he is out pack everything you can and leave. If someone refered to me as their cocksucker they would not even qualify for a good bye.

I know that sounds harsh but you deserve better, it won't be an easy ride but your confidence will come back and he will eventually become a mistake you once made. Learn from it, move on to someone who treats you right and respects you.

Good luck with it

xGGx

I did read the whole thread and also feel like im repeating everything that people have already said, but i agree completely with GG, why should someone with no respect for you deserve yours. Leave him, do it sooner rather than putting it off and try not to get in contact with him afterwards. He sounds like my friends old OH and she had a baby with him, it took nearly 2 years for us to get it across that this guy was a total arsehole but in the end she left with a huge fuck you to the guy. She loved him also and was more comfortable with the devil she knew than venturing out on her own and shes also estranged from her family but she did it. And nobody has said anything negative she's only been met with support. No doubt so will you.
Also so far as drugs go it can make people hugely anxious anything hes thinking of you or accusing you of, is in his head. It's got nothing to do with you and you'd do better without this arsehole dragging you down.

Here for support or just to rant to if you need it, much luck xx