Whoah! Thats what happened! No wonder you're pissed off!
Um... Thats really not good. You're not a mind reader and it's ridiculous that she would expect you initiate in that way in it's entirety every time you wonder if she has the urge!
It could be she was having an 'off' moment but if this sorta thing has happened before you really need to set it down straight for her!
I don't really know what to suggest, but I don't think aggression is the way around it. Passiveness isn't the way either.
That sucks Mr M. And after all the rubbish you have already been through too. You'd think she's be a little more supportive and open to you.
LivingFire wrote:
I have to be honest Mr M, that seems like she's expecting a lot of work from you versus very little from her - especially as it does involve putting yourself 'out there' - even with an existing, long term partner, when you try to initiate...
I would tend to agree. Openness and communication is something we have trouble with. Unfortunately, Mrs M doesn't seem to think we need to work on it, as she's happy the way things are. Maybe that's the problem.
She maintains that she does so much all week (and she really does, more than I can imagine, let alone emulate) that she shouldn't have to initiate in the bedroom. She also thinks that our recent experiments with toys and so on have become a bit of a performance, and misses "just us" sex. True, I guess.
More and more I worry that we're just not . . . compatible. That scares me.
I should say in her defence that you've only got my side of the story. If I could accurately give you hers as well, I wouldn't need the advice, because I'd understand!
Ouch - that's not good. My initial reaction is that she seems (from your description of events) to be unwilling to accept that she might be in the wrong. Or that she needs to change in any way. And she sounds like she just doesn't understand how important sex is; not just to you but to relationships in general.
Someone on the forums gave me a bit of advice about this last week which I thought was good, so I'll pass it along. I'm sorta in a situation which is a little like yours; we've been together for 15 years and we've fallen into a rut. I would like to add some excitement back into our sex life but I wasn't quite sure how to do that without him feeling like I was criticising or attacking him. Its a minefield....
I was advised to try to initiate a frank conversation in a completely non-sexual environment rather than in the bedroom. Good idea I thought.
And I was also advised to get back to basics; ie instead of the bedroom being the only place where we have physical contact, try to be more affectionate with each other in every day situations, more hugs, kisses, hand-holding etc.
It is helping us; we used to be very affectionate outside the bedroom and my husband actually commented that he likes having that back. I hope it can help you too.
To the poster of the lift question; don't hit on a woman in a lift. I already feel vulnerable enough if I'm stuck in a lift with a stranger and usually can't wait to get out of that situation. Being hit on in that situation would be a total turn off for me.
Have you tried 'planning' sex Mr M? Not so much at 8.34 we shall... but more planning some intimate time with the expectation it is about imtimacy? Even though me and Ad are lay about students we still plan a 'session' together sometimes when we know the house will be free etc. We do't have to but it prepares us mentally for it.
Goodness! I'm glad I am single! I do think you are getting a raw deal Mr M. What happens if you never approach her for sex? Does she then approach you? Personally, I tend to think that if you don't ask clearly then you don't get so I have always made my wants and needs clear. Maybe your wife could be persuaded to verbalise more clearly? Do you have a "date night"? A regular evening where you go back to basics and do what you did when you were first dating? This seems to work well for a lot of couples. just a thought.
She maintains that she does so much all week (and she really does, more than I can imagine, let alone emulate) that she shouldn't have to initiate in the bedroom.
There's a difference between initiation and communication though.
Personally, no amount of work is an excuse for poor communication.
If she can't properly communicate what she wants then she can't be angry at you for not understanding. Communication doesn't have to be all about words though - if you *talk* outside of the bedroom and designate certain "hints" for certain things then when she does that hint you know what she wants and you can take over.
WandA's a blessing really - he's very good at taking over and being in charge for me, *but* it's not his responsibility - if he doesn't want to, I've no right to expect him to and he'll make that very clear.
Planned sex is a winner - I'm an absolute advocate, it really works and helps if you plan some *intimacy* time into your busy schedule!
My reaction would have been to cuddle a little, but not initiate anything, but over time I've become fairly passive in initiating anything sexual in my marriage.
It can be a real stuggle to pick up on so called "signals" when they are that subtle. Definitely more communication needed in this world.
"your being very suggesive/touchy feely there, are you trying to make me horny I should I just enjoy your attention?"
or something to that effect, then you are creating an opportunity for her to say how she feels witout creating an expectation that there has to be sex. Be the one to initiate the communication rather than the sex- keep it open so she doesn't feel pressured, and try not to look too disappointed if she turns you down. If she thinks you are just enjoying the intimacy without feeling pressured it may put her in the mood when she wasn't before.
Sounds like you and your partner have gotten really out of touch with each other. Communication is so important and the effort has to come from both sides, if that's not happening and trying to talk it out is leading to arguements I'd suggest maybe couple's counselling is the way to go.
Another idea to try and encourage some openess and honesty between you is writting letters to each other. Sounds a bit mad but you might find it helpful as you'd have time to calmly work out what you want to tell/ask and phrase things exactly how you mean them, without the pressure of thinking on the spot. I really stuggle with explaining feelings, I generally know I'm experiencing a strong emotion but can't always identify it or understand why I'm experiencing it, I have also been known to loose my voice entirely if I'm overcome with emotion. Writing is sometimes just easier for me. I don't know if it's the same for everyone but it's an idea I suppose!
Btw, the incident you described really reminds me of a couple of books by Ian McEwan. "On Chesil Beach" is about totally different perspectives of a sexual encouter between newlyweds. It's really interesting to see how the husband and wife percieve and feel about each other and how they interpret what the other one says or does. There's a similar thing in "Enduring Love" it's less pronounced but the book is basically told from the perspectives of a man and his wife and again there's a really interesting difference between what one of them is thinking and what the other one thinks they are thinking. Appologies for the terrible wording - hope it vaguely makes sense. I just thought if you were a fan of novels you might like to give them a whirl, see if there's anything helpful in there. McEwan is one of about 4 modern authors I ever bother reading - his stuff really is very good!
