Hi Bonjohn,
Do not take this the wrong way, this is just my opionion based on very little information and my own life experiance.
I only hope some of it may hit home and will give you some ideas on how to make your problem better.
You are a grown man,a Husaband and Father the rest of your life needs to be about your kids and your Wife.Your needs are secondary, this means YOU need to make a change, a BIG change. The problem us man have is we have way too much time on our hands and we do not do enough for the ones we love with our spare time.
I do not know you or the whole story, But I am 100 percent sure you get exposed to many outside sources that will get you sexualy aroused.
This stimulus from TV, radio,books, internet or the half naked Women everywhere that can freely dress as they please in this modern age will cause you to obsess about sex and make your desire that much stronger. My point is are you really as horny as you would be if this outside stimulus did not exist?
Since you seem to be in this for the long haul, why not opt out of the outside stimulus as much as you possibly can. This means no porn, no movies that have the potential to turn you on, Keep movie time for your family and you and keep it PG 13 if that is a rating where you live.
Spend your waking hours at work providing for your family and your spare time showing all of them your love by being spontanious and doing things you know each of them like. Go out of your way to be the father you know your children want, and be the Husband and Father your Wife wants you to be.
If theres is a long list of chores you have been putting off, tackle that list one item at a time until the list is complete, even do work or chores that is not expected yet you know will be appericated, like building a tree house with your kids or some other project.
Make sure to take time to take of the kids care and do everything your Wife would do on a daily basis, like cooking cleaning, bath time, making the beds, doing the laundry ETC do as much as this as you possibly can. do it without looking for a reward. Do this type of stuff because you love your family and want the very best for them.
The free time your Wife has will eventually give her the rest and time she needs to get back to her normal routine where she can care for her needs where she will feel better about herself.
I can assure you as bad as you have it your Wifes life is 100 percent worse, and yes I bet she is Horny also, yet I am sure she takes care of that on her own.
If your like most men , this means you work hard get home and do very little at home to lessen your wifes work load because your tired sore stressed etc. Yet none of that matters to a Wife that has spent the day dealing with screaming crying puking peeing fighting kids all day long everyday with no break. If the roles were reversed I am sure you would be the one saying your not horny.
I am going to suggest for you to read two books, first and formost Fireproof.
Fireproof also comes as a movie. this is a powerful movie that can help you reguardless of your religous beliefs. If your not into religion that is ok just watch the movie or read the book to inspire your ideas and actions.
The second book I recommend is Men is from Mars and Women are from Venus. This book made a big change in my life and relationship since it helped me realize the differances between men and women.
This is important to understand because things that may be nothing to us men can cause women to get to a level ten anger situation, yet since we are uneducated in these differances we go around trying to fix something only to make it worse.
I am not saying you have to go around with blue balls all the time, there is enough scientific evidence proving that if you do not use it you will lose it. Lack of sex, intimacy, touch etc can lead to serious physical and mental health conditons.
This is where you need to educate yourself and your Wife with what happens when men and women stop having sex. There is many educational websites that cover this. Here is one just for an example.
http://www.yourtango.com/2016289183/10-things-happen-your-body-when-you-stop-having-sex
This does not mean you need to put pressure on her, just explain openly and honestly with scientific proof in hand that lack of sex and intamacy can, will and is causing harm to your relationship and both your bodies.
My gut is telling me if you learn from the resources I provided and practice what you learn this issue will sort its self out. In the meantime just because your wife is not interested in sex does not mean you have to go around unsatisfied and you should not have to hide in your bathroom to jerk off all alone for a release.
Let your Wife know because you have children once you both go to bed when you have an uncontrollable urge for sex that you will be satisfying yourself and she can join in if she feels like it. Let her know you will be remembering in your mind the last great sex session you two had and also assure her that She is the only woman in the entire World that you want to be with even in your imagination.
I think she would be just fine with masturbation sessions behind locked doors when she is there, unless your at it all night keeping her up. If she goes to bed early to read a book would be the perfect time to do this, because I am willing to bet the book she may be reading is romantic in nature.
As long as she knows your are masturbating because of lustful feelings for her and not some pornstar that she cannot compete with, I bet she will get turned on. If she still does not get aroused at least you got some relief and can try and live a somewhat normal life, where not every single thought is of sex.
One particluar toy I highley suggest getting is a prostate massager, Love Honey has many to choose from. the other is some sort of Fleshlight masturbation sleeve, Love honey also has those covered for you. Once you have a good prostate orgasm you will be free for some time of sexual urges which will help you focus better at providing the love and support your Wife needs at the time she needs it the most.
BTW do not be a **removed** buy your Wife some toys and plenty of lube as well for her solo sessions. Take the time to wrap them like they are presents and even give her a I was thinking of you card. And explain in the card that these toys are to make her life a little better for when she has the need yet not the desire for intercourse or sex with you. Let her know in the card that you are willing to use these toys on her without getting anything back in return if she wants that.
I am providing a link to a Youtuber that has made some life changes like I am suggesting to you and he and his wife is happier than ever. This guy took his extra energy and started creating youtube videos of him doing capentry work which was his passion and now makes great money at it and is living a life many of us only dream about. If you enjoy finacial freedom and the security that comes with surplus expendable income, the security you feel will be felt by everyone in your family which can seriously effect how secure everyone especially the Mother of your children feels as well.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC06fO6LNH_AUgjbmqaZRV5Q
Another helpful tip is to learn something about your Wife each day, ecourage her to share what really makes her tick, Find out what she likes and does not like in your current relationship. Do what you can to fix what you can, but understand many things are beyond your or anyones control.
Most Women want their feelings validated and for their mate to show compassion yet not try solve their problem.
If she confides in you about an issue she is having the worst thing you could do is offer up a good suggestion that could solve the problem easliy, because that would invailidate her feelings making her feel worse. so unless she ask for help solving the problem do not solve it just show understanding and compassion and listen carefully to each and every word.
If you give the suggestions I mentioned and the relationship and intimate incounters do not improve you may have to seek professional help if she is willing. If she is not willing to better the relationship she does not deserve you.
So pull up your boots tighten your belt and prepare for a long potentialy fun ride that should make you learn more about yourself and the ones you care about.
I have found when ever the universe seems to be plotting against what I think I want, it is because it is trying to provide me with something so much better than I could have tried to obtain on my own.