Schizophrenia

Off-Topic Chat
1

I suppose this is rather a long shot, but I've been trying hard to try and figure myself out. A few years ago, I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome by a psychiatrist. I knew I wasn't happy with the diagnosis. I felt I didn't fit in that category. Sure, I am a socially awkward person, but that doesn't mean I have Asperger's.

Thing is: in the second/third year of high school, I knew there was something wrong with me. Sure, my research skills then were bad, but I thought I might perhaps have split personality, as I saw a shift in personality. At one time, I'd be erratic and strange; then I'd be absolutely silent. However, I decided to reject that idea as I read up more about it and saw how unlike me it is.

The second assumption I had after that was that I have bipolar depression. It made sense: I have moments of highs, then I have moments of lows. However, this also led to me have some doubts as to whether or not I have bipolar depression. I accepted it, since it's what fit me best. What's more, bipolar depression is associated with delusions, which I cannot deny that I have. It's basically the obsession of helping everyone around the world and that I'm the only one that can do it. But I felt like it didn't fit me, exactly.

I've been noticing since I came to university that I keep on pressing my hand against my forehead even when there is no physical pain. It is more due to emotional pain. It always seems to happen when I remember moments that I regret, like feeling that I'd been carefully manipulated into have sex with a woman. I can't assume that other people do this and if this is normal. I know other people will experience this, I just mean people who aren't as screwed up as me. Well, I was sure I was going to say something which relates this to something, but I've just gone ahead and forgotten it.

I suppose that leads perfectly to the next part, which is that people at university find me strange - giving me the highly rewarding title of 'Crazy', saying that they wouldn't be surprised if they saw in the newspapers' headlines that I raped someone. However, I believe that some of it was not due to my behaviour. With my flatmates, well... they let friends in and drank and were generally pretty damn loud, so during those times, I was a shut in and didn't dare go out. They also left the kitchen in a state for rather long periods of time. It was due to me venting out my frustration via - yes, I know... it's a terrible place to go to - Facebook. So due to that, they gave me the rather permanent title of 'Crazy'.

There was, however, something that seemed to stick in my head. One person explained to another that I simply don't know what's going on most of the time. Now, reading up on schizophrenia, it talk about lack of responsiveness and disjointed speech, like - well - the paragraph above. Perhaps I'm thinking too much of it though, but it seems to fit best out of what I've assumed so far.

It all just seemed to stem from today, as I wanted to watch 'I, Robot' and I saw myself as that one singular robot, as I saw myself as WALL-E. There's a particular quote which I remember, which is, 'What am I?' It's the basic struggle to understand what it is, itself, as I do myself. Then I began making links between all the things which led me to finding out there is a strong possibility that I do, in fact, have schizophrenia. It was rather like I was in overdrive. I was noticing the fact I became obsessed about watching this particular film. I was noticing the fact that Sonny believed the one man in the image he drew was Del Spooner, where in fact it was Sonny itself - bringing out all the other robots from the darkness and into the light. I suppose it's sort of like the way I tend to no longer care about myself, but still am important. I don't mean to be egotistical and I don't wish to be egotistical, but I just can't shake off the feeling that I'm meant for something. I mean, I was thinking selfishly when I was younger, but gradually, I've been thinking more about others than I do about myself. I was also thinking about how my ideas for stories led me to want to watch 'I, Robot', as there are quotes from films that I used for a particular character. One of them being 'What am I?'

I know they're mere coincidences, but I can't help but think that there's something guiding me. I don't even believe in God or some other godly figure. However, that doesn't seem to be enough for me to think that something is actually there, guiding me.

It's rather amusing since I used to be able to think deeply about falling or people turning into monsters, and they would actually happen. I could turn myself into a monster just by imagining it. Another thing is the feeling I have: that I'm in complete control over myself. I have a feeling it's rather due to emotional apathy due to the fact that at times, I want to cry or scream, but rarely can.I tend to try to make rational decisions and don't let anger or frustration get in the way of how I decide things.

I feel like going on and on right now as if this is the most important thing I've ever written. It's amusing as well that I've decided in a short story, I become schizophrenic. I didn't think it'd turn out that I do have it; it was simply something which fit together with some other ideas that I have.

I know, I'm aware this forum isn't my blog or anything, but I felt I needed it to be out there. As with the quote from a great anime series named 'Noein', 'I feel I'm going crazy.' I have actually felt like that a lot. There's just other little details which fits me in with having schizophrenia, such as poor personal hygiene (which is getting better - after all, I know it's disgusting, but I didn't even brush my teeth for... well... years and now I have cavities, unsurprisingly. I simply had no motivation whatsoever to do anything), I have a lack of motivation to mix with people (well, in real life), as I have much more important things to do - such as work on my story that I hope will make a damn lot of money which I'll use to help others rather tham myself, and I have periods where I cannot speak at all and a few times, I've simply been unable to move at all (which was when I was rejected five times from universities).

I genuinely don't quite know why I typed all this out. As I said, I feel it's something incredibly important which I need to understand so that I become a better person and for me to make my dreams a reality. Towards finishing this message, I do feel incredibly stupid for doing it, but for now I'm letting my initial irrational ways take over. I want to be more proactive. I have the mindset to enable me to be more proactive, but my body simply doesn't respond and has a repulsion against doing anything.

I'm going to leave it there because I'm being ridiculous now. I've been up for an extra two and a half hours since the realisation knocked itself into my head. Considering it's incredibly late/early, I probably am being obsessed. I felt it was a big discovery of sorts. I don't know. I'll shut up now...

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I'll stand up here with you GMN, There are others out there... many of us. Never settle for an answer that doesn't feel right and always fight for an answer that comfortably fits. :) Never stop seeking help, there is always something out there that eases what's going on. Stay safe xxxx

3

Hey Ginger, one size doesn't fit all, and one illness doesn't always explain everything.

If you've been diagnosed with Asperger's take that as a starting point (BTW were you offered any treatment/help for this?). But if this doesn't explain all your symptoms don't assume it's wrong, there may be another problem.

To me, Asperger's together with depression would probably cover most of what you seem to be feeling. Both are usually easily manageable once you have recognised there is an issue, and got past the stigma of 'mental health' problems.

As far as being 'crazy' goes, people tend to label what they don't understand, especially at your age *tries not to sound patronsing*. Don't believe the hype and don't try to change yourself to fit in with the social 'norm', there isn't one, and I can honestly say there's nothing wrong with a little eccentricity!

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It doesn't sound like schizophrenia. My uncle and 2 others I know, suffer from schizophrenia and they are very reclined people indeed.

Aspergus can be combined with other things, OCD/ADHD/Dyslexia etc. Although, you may want to approach your GP and discuss possibilities of manic depression.

DO NOT LOOK on google, for symptons etc, google is the worst place for it, causes too much anxiety and problems, just by searching for a self diagnosis. There are ways that drs can 'test' for things, I really wouldn't rely on what you have found with researching yourself. Mental disorders come under many disguises but a majority of them have many of the same symptons.

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Aye, much as it does sound like there's somethign wrong, self diagnosis is nigh on impossible, because even if you aren't blind to which elements of your issues are the true signals, then you're relying on the words of random plebs as to what constitutes any given disease. My ex's entire family "apparently" have AS. One of the kids was diagnosed with it, and he clearly does struggle (although he's indulged in instead of challenged, so he's never going to get better, shame), but the rest were cleared by a doctor, but told by their mother that the doc was wrong, because their "symptoms" matched everything she'd read. The only thing wrong with them is that they've always had money, never been told no to, and so see nothing wrong with being selfish and wasting other people's time when it suits them.

Obviously you're slightly different as there is something wrong, but the point is that if a bunch of people who are perfectly healthy, but have just been raised...questionably, can find somethign like AS and have it fit perfectly going by literature and self-diagnosis, then it must be equally easy for you to see somethign that fits you when it's not the cause (or see something that is and write it off becuase it doesn;t fit!). Also remember that folk like my ex who think they have something do go around the internet saying "I have X and blah blah blah", meaning that any of those accounts you've read could be written by someone perfectly healthy, or with a completely different condition. Even the self-proclaimed doctor websites are frequently just copies of Wikipedia, or some randomer gathering different accounts also written by random nobodies, or at best extractiosn from medical texts which focus on the most common and generic presentation, which rarely fits anyone perfectly.

As others have said, talk to a GP, or several, if you're concerned that one has written you off, and discuss the symptoms you think aren't explained. It could be best to write down examples of these incidents, and how they affect you/make you feel, so that you can explain more clearly what you're feeling. For example, feeling emotional pain as physical is a major thing, it's not normal, and it's obviously going to be embarassing if not outright impedeing your daily life. Look for examples of what trigger it - location? people? thoughts? - and what makes it ease; is it more extremem in some situations or always the same; how it makes you feel afterwards (embarassed, confused, exausted). If you can see a pattern in it, note that dowen as well, but take along all the other info, too, as you may be wrong. Get a journal, and do the same for everything you find to be an issue. It'll mean that when you go to the doctor, you won't get flustered and forget have the stuff you meant to tell, and if he asks a question you might not have considered to be relevant, you'll probably be able to give an accurate example.

6

My daughter has bi-polar and some of the things you describe ginga is very similar to her. I dont know much about schizophrenia but i agree with the other comments, doesnt sound like it is.

She is 22 years old and for the best part of her life shes needed help to do most things that require socialising i.e. any appointments, shopping, etc.

She also has highs and lows. One minute shes the happiest person alive, but the next depressed and suicidal. She has also vented on `facebook' and i have been somewhat shocked at the language she uses to describe how someone has upset her. She has self harmed to, not sure if that is the release you were referring to in that you need to air how you feel, perhaps you do it via talking or opening up, for my daughter its self harming.

Fortunately she has a very good doctor who asked her a lot of questions, some personal, some more about how she copes with certain tasks etc, in the end he diagnosed her with bi-polar but also with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I hope you eventually manage to learn to cope with who you are and how you feel.

Dee x

7

Hello,

I am sorry for this. I know it had to be hard to keep fighting it. My advice would be either see your GP or my university has professionals who can help students or they can help arrange appointments with the right persons for them. How about searching at yout university to see what help is available there?

Secondly, dont google it. I have to completely agree with this. it could only mislead you and make you more worried. the best thing is to go to see a doctor and talk about the symptones and let them do the diagnosis, so you know what it can be. It can be several things, but not sure schizophrenia is one of them, although I guess could be milder form. Clinical depression, one really really severe can cause the symptons too! I had that about 2 years ago and it was the worst time of my life. Luckily mine was caused by other people behaviour, so I was able to sort it out, in the end. it could be bipolar, but technically even depression can bit cause this. In my experience.

I wish you all the best luck possible, dont be afraid to seek help. Trust me, if you dont, you will not solve anything and it is really exhausting. If you do, it is possible to improve this. or get rid of it, depending on what the issue is!

8

You sound very similar to my brother, who does have bipolar, including the 'only I can help the whole world' alternating with inabilty or lack of care re hygeine. If you are in uni there will be counsellors who can make refferals.Also talk to your GP. Never, ever google. There are so many different possibilities or combinations that can cause the same symptoms. I heard voices (auditory hallucinations) because of epilepsy. changed drug and they disappeared within a week. After 5years. Seek help. It could be anything from AS+depression to chemical imbalances so please don't panic. It certainly does not sound like schizophrenia (we lived next to someone who suffered and they investigated my brother ruling it out) . Try and rest, make appointments with the GP- if possible a double appointment to give you the time you need to discuss this, and most uni counselling services have an emergency drop in clinic. I know because I had a full on emotional meltdown in a tutorial the others left and tutor made me get help! There are people and services that will be able to offer support and this needn't jeopordise your qualification, it may also enable you to access better tailored support in the university or work setting. All the best x

9

As a mental health nurse in training I can honestly say these labels like scizophrenia, bi-polar disorder etc are thrown around a lot. A lot of symptoms override on a whole range of disorders and mental illnesses. It's best to tackle the symptoms that an individual has rather than categorise someone. I say this because you can have people that have a particular disorder but are completely different from eachother in terms of symptoms.

I'd suggest contacting your GP and having them refer you on to a mental health specialist if they think you need it. Also, as someone else advised any other source of counselling or help that your university/college may offer if you study. Try looking up charities around your area that offer mental health services like Birmingham Healthy Mind.

Take note of all your symptoms and if your doctor cannot diagnose and help you then ask for a referral. This is important especially if you feel like these issues are getting in the way of your life and/or are getting progressively worse.

Good luck and hope that helps.

10

Wow, thanks for all the responses. I didn't expect such detailed messages and so many of them.

My mind was just being completely hyperactive last night, and I can't deny that. There were all sorts flying into my mind then. It was even in my dreams, that I'd go onto my laptop and see various responses.

I know Google's a bad place, which is why I looked at Wikipedia for brief details and in the Biopsychology book I have. I am aware that schizphrenia causes hallucinations and a firm belief that they're being controlled. It was last night which rather alerted me to the fact that I believe things were put in place on purpose, as I did seem to believe that at the time. I'm not trying to make myself fit into categories. However, I seem to be looking too much into it.

I simply wasn't happy with the whole bipolar depression thing because I could be hyper with some people I know, then be extremely quiet with other people I know. There doesn't seem to ever be an in-between phase.

Meh, I'm thinking too much again. It's just that I felt that schizophrenia seemed to fit more of my symptoms than Asperger's or bipolar.

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Avrielle_Aniko wrote:

I must point out that just because you have "highs" and "lows" does not automatically mean that you have Bi polar. After all, everyone has highs and lows. Ecstatic highs and severe lows, depending on the frequency and speed of the mood changes, could be bi-polar, but that isn't concrete evidence of suffering bi-polar.

i was actually speaking about my daugther AA that she has bi polar and has extreme highs and extreme lows -wasnt suggesting that if you have `high and lows' that you are bi polar but i did state my daughter has been diagnosed with it! :-)

12

Hi Ginger first and foremost it has taken guts to write what you have here and I hope you chose the Lovehoney forum to do it as it is so friendly and approachable, the first step with anything like this is to tell someone and get it all off your chest.

None of us here are professionals, but we can all relate to you in someway and sometimes just that helps.

I am a nurse and you defnitely need to talk to your GP or nurse at your practice they will direct you to the right person to see you are correctly diagnosed to get the best help for you. I dont feel you have schizophrenia as Aspergers have so many variations to the illness, but you definitely need to see some more people to get some different diagnosis's.

In this field of healthcare there are so many people there to help from the consultant, GP and you will be assigned a healthcare nurse to help you through, makesure you get the help, keep phoning and you will find someone who can help.

Its all too easy to self diagnose and you have to talk to a professional about this whatever happens, Avriele is right to say we all have hi's and low's but with Aspergers they are little more extreme, so a healthcare professional will help distinguish between Aspergers, bi-polar and just normal life.

But dont worry as there is so much help and support around right down to getting this off your chest on here or on specialised websites for aspergers, maybe have a chat with others who have this too, that always helps.

Goodluck huny.

X

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Don't even think about wiki, when I started my psychology qualifications, my professor was adament that if she found out we had wiki'd anything, she'd have our heads on a pike lol

Wiki isn't written by experts, anyone can add to it, chances are it's bits n bobs taken from the net.

There are so many mental disorders that have ailments in that you describe, bi-polar (manic drepssion), dual personality, SAD, depression, PTSD, are just a few examples....................so you see, this isn't something you can self-diagnose.

I would suggest, as above, to write down things. Start by using a daily diary, not only will it 'off load' some of those feelings/emotions, it is also something that a doctor can keep track off. It's good to speak to others about your feelings too, a problem shared is a problem halved, so to speak.

x

14

Don't worry mate, I got something like what your saying too

I think I suffer from Asperger's syndrome along with other problems?

  • I am socially anxious
  • I get easily obsessed with anything! including some bad thing
  • I got dyslexia
  • I don't trust doctor etc that easy
  • I can get depressed where I might aswell be not here anymore!
  • I can be Very observant!

But I think seeing the doc will give a better insight whats going on in my head! I most likley got OCD to stop me worring about everything!

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I've tried with the writing what happened and how I felt, so that I can see how to change my ways to be better, but I just lacked motivation so much. The first was 24th March 2011, and the last is 16th June. Since then, I didn't do anything.

I have got a plan though, I suppose. Simply go to the uni gym, which I neglected for too long. Simply to combat my lack of motivation and feeling no reward whatsoever in doing anything. After all, it was in the Biopsychology book under symptoms of scizophrenia which mentioned that. Well, if there's anything guiding me, I suppose it's not to say I have schizophrenia, it's just making me combat my weaknesses easier.

16

you could try "schizoid" I think I got the same too

schizoid personallity disorder, share some similar characteristics such as detachment ect, as schizophrenia, but schiziods don't have the paraniod effects or hear voices, but most poeple suffering from schizophrenia don't hear voices or violent but they have their moments like everyone.

But My advice is to stop reading about it, as this is getting you depressed! trust me I've been there last year myself! the more you look at it the more ill & empty it make you feel!

I tend to think of cuddles most of time, try and find a new hobby!

17

Ah, ok, wrong end of the stick, then. Can only look it up on Wikipedia, so I'm not ruling anything until I actually read up on it on reliable sources. Also, reading about it doesn't make me depressed. I know what's wrong with me, so even if I read something which applies to me, I already know anyway. It does at least make me think about it rather than just rule off whatever seems to be wrong with me.

18

To me "Wikipedia" on some topic are not worth the web servers disk space its stored on to me, as any tom,dick & harry can make topic and edit them!

I personally know I have serious "mental problems" but I don't wish to shout that out all over the place well I just did here, just to say there are others with problems too! I sure you a great guy if I know you!

I tend to "deceive" and have a warm smile, regardless what happends even bullies too, But I be waiting for them in afew years to come!

However I could point you into a better source of information! charity MIND! their website has a good cache of information!

19

I... actually can't go against thinking that I have schizoid personality disorder. It's a very brief summary, but summarises me pretty darn perfect. For a start, I keep thinking that I just need to be alone because other people are pulling me back. I've also though stongly of myself as a loner.

So, thank you so much for that. I don't mind being a loner of sorts because I'm happy that way, but something I really want to do is to be able to make my dreams a reality. So, I apologise for somewhat treating this as a blog, but at the end it did actually help to do that.

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It won't cause you depression but it will raise your anxiety, which isn't good