Self loathing - I am full of it


Firstly, I want to say this is probably the most positve forum i have had the honour of frequenting, almost to a tee everyone on here had a positve opinion, you guys are really great. But I am in such a negative place right now, please help me "turn my frowm upside down'. IWe've been married 21 years now and I really dont want to break it, but I am really fed up (with myself)/. Looking for any advice to re-ignite that flame, I love her so much, but it's not easy, I know she's never going to get from me what other younger guys gave her in the past, it makes me feel pretty pathetic, yet I am the provider. I reallly don't like things at the moment.


What aren't you happy with exactly?

Me, I think

Is it your sex life you'e unhappy with or home life or..?

Hi, I'm not exactly sure what you think is wrong.. Until we know a little more, we can't really help much. All I can say is that your wife is with YOU, not some random guy from the past. Why is this bothering you now? Are you generally depressed or is this a specific issue that worries you? If you can tell us more, and I know that's not easy to do, we can help you better, I hope.
Big hugs in the meantime.

I really don't know. Sorry this is the nicest non judgemental place I've ever been, I think there is no problem it's just me. Move along and ignore, I am fed hating myself.

My boyfriend and I both suffer from depression and have always found that when its hitting one or both of us particularly hard we can find it difficult to keep our relationship stable and happy. We moved in together a couple of months ago and I was so stressed I was crying every day and almost distancing myself from him. So, after noticing my change, he asked me to sit down and talk. After a long talk we decided we had to make an effort with each other. Little surprises, lots of physical affection (not just sexual but kisses and cuddles and just skin to skin be it hands or whatever). We've since realised that trying to make the other happier is in turn making us happier as a individuals and as a couple. Seeing your partner smile is an amazing thing, and you cant help but get a warm fuzzy feeling from it so maybe try and do some things for her and the niceness will be returned therefore making you feel good? Try not to focus on feeling bad too, you can be happy if you want to!

Anyway,sorry for rambling! Hope this helped!

It is really difficult to say something then we don't really know what exactly you are not happy with... You said it is yourself - but there are so many things need can dislike about oneself... You can think you are not sufficiently good-looking (I myself am very prone to this, not being happy with my figure), you may think you are not as good at your work as you used to be, you may feel that your life is frustratingly dull and that you haven't really experienced anything new in a long time, you may feel that you are no longer as passionate in the bedroom as you were twenty years ago, you may think that you made a mistake when you did not go to this or that college some twenty five years ago.... Whatever. And I suppose that each reason you may hev could require different type of advice...

Please don't shut yourself off, if you posted originally then you must have felt there was a need to post. We're always here to help. I'm having a rough time at the moment and talking about things on here always helps. Be kind to yourself!

I realise it's hard to be positive when you feel insecure and not good enough but try to remind yourself that your wife chose you so she must think you're pretty special.
Does she know how you're feeling? Maybe,if you can try to talk to her. Sometimes just saying what's troubling you can be a huge weight off your mind and hopefully she'll reassure you that she's happy with you and loves you. Please don't hate yourself x

Hi Andy,

I can really relate to your feelings and situation. I myself am in a relationship of twelve and a half years, and am soon to be married (in August). However, life right now isn't great, for the past few years it's been getting gradually worse in fact. Our sex life is near non-existent, neither of us have many friends or much of a social life, she is constantly tired, stressed and pressured from work and I am trapped in a dead-end minimum wage job that I hate.

Despite all that I love the missus very, very much and, like you, am not prepared to throw our relationship away. I tend to go through little cycles of self-doubt and self-hate mixed with anger, depression, frustration and general grumpiness. First I blame her for not wanting sex, then I get sad and feel sorry for myself, even entertain the idea of cheating. Then I feel extreme guilt, more depression, then I realise I am probably more to blame than her. I come to the revelation that I have been far from the best partner, and that I could and should be doing much more for the relationship.

She wears the trousers you see. She is the bread-winner, she makes all the decisions, she is the organised one who decides what we have for tea, makes sure we have enough toilet paper and that the bills get paid and the joint-account is topped up and the cats have food. I'm the one always forgetting that his car tax is due, where his wallet is, who's birthday cards need posting, etc. The chores that I am responsible for I let fall behind. We've both let ourselves go and have become complacent with each other. I take her for granted.

I've vowed to turn this around, though. We're on a pre-wedding diet and I joined the gym last week. Starting this week (we're both off work), I'm doing most of the housework, all the chores will get done, I'm going to start being more decisive and self-sufficient. I've told her she's to relax and not think about work. The goal is self improvement and to start picking up the slack, taking the strain off her. Hopefully, this will result in improvements in my mood and attitude, likewise helping her to relax more and in turn feel happier. This will make me happier. And hopefully this cycle will reinforce and perpetuate itself.

So, what was the point in that little life story? Well, I see my own troubles in your post, and I just wanted to explain that you're not the only one, and that this is how I plan to turn things around. As for you feeling you can't give her what she had from younger ex-partners, well... you're the one who has been married to her for the past two decades. So, either whatever it was she didn't really want or need, or whatever it is you do give her is better anyway.

You can always go for the gold-standard in advice given by this fantastic community: communication. Talk to her about your concerns and feelings. If talking is too hard try an email or a letter. If all else fails, you can always come onto places like this and vent, and you'll find others who will listen, and try to help. At the end of the day, when you feel like this, changes need to be made. And big or small, they usually need to start with yourself. At least, that's the conclusion I've come to.

Hope this helped in any way. Take care and good luck.