Separated Parents

Off-Topic Chat
1

Hi all, I was hoping for some opinions from people who's parents split up when they were young.

My partner and I have a two year old, who's really the only thing keeping us together. I won't go into the reasons why things are going wrong (as several people on here can testify, once I get started it'll go on longer than Spartacus.) My major concern is that if we split up the little fella is going to end up hating one of us. It sounds stupid, but almost everyone I know with separated parents has a difficult relationship with at least one of them.

Can any of you wonderful people offer a tale of why your parents splitting up was brilliant for you & enabled you to have a healthy relationship with both?

2

Afraid not scared I cant do what you ask but I can say my parents stuck together, I think today they would have divorced. He was a violent useless lazy ass hole, those are my words not my mothers. I had the firm opinion that the evil bastard was better off dead and when he did pop his clogs I danced on his non existant grave. Parents staying together isnt always good either

3

Awww hun. My parents split up (I was a teenager at the time) and they said they only stayed together until we (me, my brother and sister) were old enough to understand the situation, and so that we wouldnt be affected.

For me, I could tell my parents werent getting along. There was never any arguments, it was all quite amicable, but There was NOTHING there...no passion, no communiation, no happiness. They were both very clearly depressed, and although they both tried to hide it and carry on like a 'typical married couple', I wasnt a stupid child, and I tried to help them through it. Anyway, my mum finally told me her and my dad were splitting up, and that although she loved him, she was no longer In lover him. She was worried about how we'd all react, but in honesty it was a relief.

When they were together, I was blamed a lot for their breakup, and ended up having a lot of their shit taken out on me (never physical but Im sure you can imagine), and my relationship with them was very strained.

They are now with new partners, and are both far more happier apart then together. They are friends with each other, and its much nicer seeing my parents not going through depression, and smiling again. ( My dad even got married this year, and I was soooo made up for him!)

Im a lot closer to them both, especially my dad, as at the time I didnt realise how bad his depression was, until I hit rock bottom.

As for your son...you obviously know what Im going through right now, so I can honestly say, kids arent stupid. They will pick up on how you are feeling, and although at that age they cant voice their feelings, Im sure he will make gestures and react to your emotional state. If youre unhappy, do something about it now...before he gets old enough to understand more.

He wont hate either of you, as long as you are both there for him, and both spend quality time with him. I would say try and stay friends and do stuff with him with your wife, but I KNOW how hard that is!!!!

I honestly do think that its better for a child to have two parents seperate who are happy, then two parents together who arent.

Always here for you if you need to vent....you know I love it!!!

4

It was a fundamental promise with my wife that we would never ever split as long as our daughter was a child, we have had our problems but never so great that we would part. Tomorrow I will book a flight for her so we can be together as a family for a week. She comes from London, my wife comes from North england but for a short while we will be a family. Not bad after 22 years a daughter WANTS to be with her Mum and Dad

5

My parents are still together but I have a 5 year old and I am no longer with his mother and we split up when the fella had literally just turned 2 so I can very much relate to your situation. The MOST important thing you MUST ensure is you and his mother remain amiacble (not necessarily 'friends' but keep everything entirely civil when it comes to him) and absolutely communicate about everything to do with your child and make sure you both know exactly whats going on in each others households - for example, his mother and I have differences in certain rules such as what treats he's allowed but the core values are discussed and agreed upon and we try and maintain balance whereever possible. Another trap to not fall into is do something just to spite your (ex) partner - it is about the child and despite your feelings you must maintain the idea that he still has both a mummy and a daddy that love him equally..

which brings me to the most important part - communication with your child is absolutely key - at 2 he may not understand but it is important he is reassured growing up and is made aware of the situation (not the reasons, just the situation) because as he gets older he will have questions and you must be prepared so you can answer them in a way that is easy to understand and will give him the feeling that he still has both parents even if they are not together.

When he is there or there are decisions to be made about him, put all feelings you may have for each other aside as it is about HIM and nothing else. Good luck mate, let me know if you want to chat any time

6

Hey afraidnotscared,

My parents divorced when I was 6 years old and it was a big relief. My parents argued openly, but I children see the missing affection and the problems, as Jencat and gunther told.

If you decide to divorce, I think it is fair to behave in a respectful manner towards your wife. I would have wished my parents had done so, as my self-esteem was diminished when my parents hated and looked down on each other. Please don't ask your child who he loves more or with who he wants to stay. Children easily make themselves responsible for problems, so I'd wish my parents to tell me that it is their decision and I have nothing to do with it. Breakups are hard and parents need to grief. So do kids. Children are sad and should be allowed to be sad. We never talked about things and I was just supposed to accept my "new mother". My parents were the victims of the divorce, but it had never occured to them that it was hard for us chilren, too. It would have helped me to be allowed to be sad and to get some support. Often we were and still are switching the parent and child roles, so my parents expected care from me. No matter how broken your hearts are, telling your little ones how much you love them makes a world's difference.

7

Hiya, my parents separated when I was about to start secondary school so approx the age of 13. I have held a lot of resentment towards my dad over it as he was the one who left us. He still kept in contact daily though- giving money, buying gifts and dropping up to school etc. But the main thing that bothered me was his use of emotional blackmail on us, especially my brothers (as he favoured me). He held a lot of control even after leaving us and badmouthed my mother who was the innocent party in it. Although, her fault is probably that she was more passive than anything.

The best advice I can give is not to stay together if things are strained - the child will pick up on the resentment between both of you. Also, if you do split up, please do remain amicable (as been mentioned). Kids pick up on so much and it can remain. Make sure to let the child know that they are very much wanted and that you'd want them to be in both of your lives as fully as possible. You could even get together on key events to show support.

Even now I find it difficult to be close to my dad as I know he failed us in the past.. I still love him, but don't think I can ever quite like him because of his nature.

Also my OH has a daughter who he sees at weekends and he's the most amazing dad I know. And she can see it.. She calls him her hero and everything. Although he doesn't speak to her mom (he gets his mom to do that) he never badmouths her in front of his daughter etc.

Hope that helps. Although, it seems you're a really nice guy and a passionate father so I don't think you'd need much advice; more of an affirmation.

8

My fella's parents split before he was born but he has mostly had good contact with his dad whilst living with his mum. His dad supported him financially throughout his childhood and his mother always put that money aside to spend on WandA. He saw his dad about once a week (and still does) and now they have a great relationship together. The only blip was when his father's now wife had a few issues with WandA's dad seeing him but that didn't last long and now everyone gets on fine.

I think part of the reason it worked was because both parents prioritised the kiddie and they both kept their own personal feelings out of the equation - WandA's mum never really talks about his dad and has certainly never bad mouthed him in front of WandA and WandA's dad is the same. They split amicably which I'm sure helps!

Adx

9

My mum and dated dated since 14 and were married for 13 years, the only reason they split was they lost my little sister full term and living away from family and dad back to work, Dad strayed and that was the beginning of the end. Everyone always says 'Do you hate your Dad for what he did' as Mum nearly had a breakdown but that was more to do with the fact of losing a baby and having 3 young children. (they split after another sister was born) and I have never hated him. They should have had counselling and time to grieve together and dad was too stupid/proud to sort things. Anyway, being a kid in a single family was fine- no arguments - we never saw any anger and hatred and mum always said and still does you can be a great dad even if his husband duties werent quite up to scratch! Dad would come over in the week and bath us, put us to bed and read us bedtime stories- he knew he was missing out if he didnt and he was and still is a fantastic father. We stayed at his every other weekend, all weekend and at christmas things were always organised fairly. Mum even used to have in over for Sunday roast (with my half bro) and I dont know how she did it! The only reason she couldnt take him back she said (was a time they tried to sort things) was because he had fathered a child with someone else and Mum just couldnt handle that fact. My Dad lived overseas in Germany and Qatar a lot but I always knew WHO my Dad was and WHERE he was which is more than some kids these days. I always knew if I needed him he would be on the next plane home and once when an ex stole my savings from me, Dad was over like a shot ready to break his legs! hahah

Now in 2012, they are with new partners but I know (and both have told me) that they still love each other. yeah in the fact that he is the father of mums children but also just like they used to. Dad and I have spent many a drunken chats crying about it. When it is family occasions, they sit and chat alone and with their partners and I am happy they get on. Hey, dad made his bed and has to lie in it so I would never hate him- that is punishment enough I think.

At the end of the day, if you and your OH can be civil and try to make things are easy as possible re your child it shouldnt get messy. Dont use him as a weapon- I have seen too many people do that and your child will hate you for that or your OH for talking bad of his Dad. But be a great dad and respect his mum and you'll be fine. Personally I would never stay together with someone for the sake of a child, the child picks up on resentment and anger and it is destroying. We were saved from all that, even if Mum wanted Dad to stay- she put us first and always has. That surely is what being a parent is all about. I dont have kids but I know I had the best childhood and now have beautiful half siblings and I wouldnt change a single thing. :)

My cousins are from a broken home too and apparently people say kids from broken homes are dsyfunctional but that isnt too. With great role models, everyone always says how 'normal' and a credit we are to our parents we all are. Surely thats down to having great parents, together or not! Sorry for the ramble.

10

Hi fella

Speaking as a parent who's kids were 2 (son) and 7 (daughter) when I split from their mother. . .

My story is too long to tell, major major turmoil over the years but what I can say is keep in contact with your child 'no matter what' and financially support them! Be civil at all times even when others don't. Loads of men don't and come across as assholes. Kids remember everything as they grow older and can see who is the antagonist in that type of relationship if it exists.

My kids who are 14 and 20 now and refuse point blank to acknowledge their mother and live with me. That's all her own doing.

Just be there at all times emotionally and financially (or as much as possible).

You can do no more than that fella.

11

My parents separated when I was 10 and my brother was 8. My dad moved out but stayed nearby and we saw him at least once a week and maybe more. We also played and watched football with him so saw plenty of him dispite living with my mom.

We now see both regularly despite living away and have a really good relationship with both.

Both made an effort to cooperate in bringing us up and to make sure that the other was involved in important decisions. They communicated well (probably better than when they were married) and made sure they put us first. The way it worked for us it was better they did it that way but it was not as easy for them.

12

My parents broke up when I was 18mths old I never remember I always knew I had a Mum I lived with and a Dad who I saw at holidays we lived at one end of the country he was at the other . For me this was the norm I knew no different I also had a fab step dad who I loved dearly and was my dad as well, he was the one that was there at bdays xmas parents everning and a dad who was my dad no matter what he just lived far away . I benefit from having 2 dads and I understand why they split up and I totally get why & I am glad . Dont hate anyone not angry at either mother or father to me it was the norm.

13

Hi ANS,

Sorry to hear the problems you are going through, I do hope you manage to sort out your issues though.

My parents split up when i was 8 years old. I have 3 other siblings including a half brother (my mothers son).

My dad got custody of us after what I believe was an awful battle for custody, lots of lies etc. My mother decide to take my brother to live in Devon, with her new toyboy fella, yeah, not just a few miles away.

I could never understand why our mum left us and never will. I sometimes have a strained relationship with her but my father passed away 6 years ago and I adored him.

If we had stayed with my mother I would hate to think how we would have turned out. I dont think we would have had any discipline and at the time we hatted our mothers partner.

My dad however was a good honest man. Wanted the best for us and although we had little money, i mean really really poor, he made sure food was on that table every day and we played games and had lots of fun. Something our mother never did.

My mother let us down but not being close to us, by giving up on us to find love with her fella, by not keeping up contact with us as a mother should, by not showing how much she really cared.

I resent my mother for that and will never had a proper mother /daughter relationship with her. Shes 68 now and I have limited contact with her even though she lives just a few miles away. However I do love her and have helped her out financially with a few things. When all is said and done, shes my mum and gave birth to me.

If you do indeed break up I am sure you will ensure your son becomes priority in your life and that you will include him in any big choices you make in life.

All the best.

14

The main thing from a child's point of view is that he feels secure and knows you both love them

Never argue about his welfare, but discuss it calmly away from him and present an united front when it matters

15

Thank you all so much for your messages of support & some fantastic advice, you're a spectacularly lovely bunch.

I think things have reached the stage when it's when not if we split up. I was thinking of hanging on until after Christmas, but now realise that the atmosphere at home could well be damaging my son, so it could be better to make a break sooner rather than later.

Wish me luck...

16

Good Luck x

17

Good luck. I think you're making the right decision, unfortunate though it is. Your son is young enough that he shouldn't end up with bad memories regarding the split so perhaps it's a good thing you realised sooner rather than later.

18

Sorry to hear you are having troubles, ultimatly any descision has to be yours and we can all offer our own experiencs I can come at this from 2 angles.....

1) as a child growing up living at home was hell I soooo wish my parents had split up for various reasons I don't speak to my mother and have no intention to. It has however made me look at the way I am with my kids and I am very different to her but always said I didn't want a relationship like the one her and my dad had watching the fighting and never doing things as a family was awful.

2) I have split from my kids dad because our relationship turned into the nasty fighting relationship I didnt want he was verbaly aggressive to me and the eldest so I ended it and my kids are far better for it I have had to protect them for the last couple of yrs but they are none the wiser and are very happy and settled.

But I strongly agree where you can stay amicable with your ex for the child sake having a court battle is a nightmare... if you want to know anymore then please get intouch or even if you just need to rant xx

Good luck

19

Mine was a major Fuck up

Papa' in Italy

Mamma wanted to stay in England =

Hate my father for messing up a lot of my childhood and being a selfish fucking Pig