Me and my oh both 20, been together 5 years. Struggle when having sex, tried lube and always use lots of foreplay! Is there anything else we can try, she gets down a lot about this, i always say its okay but stops as it hirts. didnt know if there anything we can do.
How does she describe the pain? Like a stinging sensation or a sharp ache? Is it near the entrance or at a certain point when inserted?
Means it doesnt happen too often unfortunately
Hi, thanks for responding, believe the whole time amd ache i think. Tried different positions, best is when were both sat up facing eachother but
Believe its just as i enter like the head. But then not we dont go any deeper as it hurts her
Ok, that helps a bit.
First thing I should mention is that when sex is painful for someone once, that person can then tense up subconsciously on future attempts in anticipation of pain. The mind remembers pain and associates it with things, so if she’s associated sex and pain, that needs to be undone before things can improve.
Second thing, what lubricant are you using? It may contain ingredients that don’t agree with her such as glycerin which can cause more problems or it may not be thick enough. If she’s on birth control such as the pill or under stress then this can cause vaginal dryness so you may need a thicker formula and lots of it.
Thirdly, has she been to the doctor/nurse for a checkup? Painful sex is worth going to the doctor about. It might sound embarrassing but it could rule out any physical issues that may be contributing to the pain she’s feeling. I’ve encountered painful sex quite a lot and my doctor ran some tests and checked me over to make sure there wasn’t a medical reason behind the pain. It was uncomfortable, but they’ve heard it all before and weren’t judgemental.
Conditions like endometriosis and vaginismus can be causes of painful sex so it’s definitely worth ruling those conditions in or out before exploring other possibilities.
Thanks will have to get this looked into. Tryed durex lube amd another off anotber websitr that was flavoured. Thanks fkr advice. How woyld you go a obout getting out of the mindset of pain
Yeah, Durex is not very female friendly. Contains glycerin. I wouldn’t recommend those. They are quite sticky and thin so don’t provide much comfort. I would get a different brand. Lovehoney’s own brand lubes are good, as are Yes and Sliquid.
To get out of the mindset, take the pressure away from penetration for a while and go back to basics. Put the focus on relaxation, think nice massages, lots of play with hands, possibly a small clitoral vibrator if she likes external stimulation? I often think sex feels better for me once I’ve had a clitoral orgasm as I’m more relaxed and aroused. It might also be an idea for her to experiment on her own, there’s less pressure to perform during solo play and she can go at her own pace, move the angle slightly if things get uncomfortable etc :)
When you say she’s petite, how big is she and how big are you? Do you have a very large penis? And you have been together 5 years, have you been having intercourse all that time or only recently?
NatandTom gives some great advice. One of the things you can work on to break the pain association is to use toys, start small with toys that don’t hurt her, go slow, take weeks at each step, moving to slightly larger toys over time until she can handle something a similar size to you without pain. There are dilator sets on here for that purpose but you could also use dildos, just be careful and make sure the size increases are small enough each time that you won’t hurt her. If you do, it sort of undoes your hard work, be patient, you're young, a couple months of careful play can lead to a long and fruitful sex life.
Also foreplay is important, arousal relaxes the muscles around the vagina allowing a woman to accommodate a penis without pain, but be careful thinking that all it takes is foreplay, there is also an issue of anticipatory anxiety, she may come to associate the foreplay with leading up to intercourse which hurts, this means that she may not actually be getting aroused and thus her muscles don’t relax.
If there is no medical cause, sex therapy can give you options for the psychological stuff. There is also a program called Sensate focus that works great for dealing with performance pressure related issues like this!
Good luck!
She is very petite, i am o the laeger side. Thanks for the advice, hopefully when shes more comfortable everything will happen more often. Would a low sex drive have anything to do with it? I have a really high one but hers is rare...
Lewisfjarrett wrote:
Me and my oh both 20, been together 5 years. Struggle when having sex, tried lube and always use lots of foreplay! Is there anything else we can try, she gets down a lot about this, i always say its okay but stops as it hirts. didnt know if there anything we can do.
I had the same problem when me and my ex-boyfriend tried sex for the first time (I was a virgin at the time). It hurt alot and would not even go in as I was too tight and tense, even bleed when he tried to push a bit. We tried lube, using a vibrator before...everything. It was getting me so down that I would cry after we tried. In the end I went to see my doctor and after taking a look recommended me to a gynecologist who works out my hyman was too thick, and she was able to sort it.
It might be worth going to the doctors and asking to see a gynecologist to check that you are ok physical (might be nothing), but at least it you know there is no issue there, then it might be too much tensing as you know it is going to hurt every time. To relax you could ask you GP to prescribe some diazepam as it is a relaxant.
My current Oh (who is actually alot girthy and bigger in general than my ex) was very patience and helped me through the hurting part. As before I could not get more than a finger in without it hurting and now I can take his 5.2 inch girth :). I did take alot of trys but we managed, and when we did it was amazing and I completely relaxed and enjoyed it :). It still hurts when we start every time so far, but it is geting better, and he just slided in and out at the edge of my pain threshhold so I enjoy it and then pushes a bit more and more until I can feel ready to go for it, to which he slowly psuhes himself all th way in. With a lot of KY Jelly (it is amazing if you haven't tried it yet and very helpful).
Other than that reassure her that you love her and you are happy not having sex for the moment becasue you want to make sure you both enjoy it. The reassurance it very helpful and something I wish my ex-Oh had done at the time.
I hope this helps, and really hope every turns out amazing, even if it takes time to :) xx
Thanks again for commenting i know she isnt into self play so might have to skip that. Will still ask. Thanks for all the advice, hopwfully this improves at it gets her down