Sex on the priority list

Off-Topic Chat
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I didn’t know where to put this so apologies if it’s in the wrong place.

We just watched the latest episode of MAFS which admittedly is 90% trash but an interesting argument came about between a couple that got me wondering.
There’s so much to unpack, and not just with that particular argument but with all of them and this forum probably isn’t the place to unpack all the toxic rubbish that’s on there but my question is, how important is sex to you in your relationship or marriage?

Without getting in to too much psychology, for me it would be

  1. Emotional relationship
  2. Partnership/Friendship
  3. Spiritual relationship
  4. Sexual relationship

When I thought about it I was initially a little shocked at myself as I do value sex very highly but without the other things tended to I just can’t enjoy sex no matter if it is making love, or just f***ing for fun and the same is for my other half. (Which works well for us)

The episode sparked a conversation with my OH and I, as these often do, because a couple is basically not meeting each others needs in that one is portrayed as sex mad, the other is more private and sensitive.
For them it’s clear, she would leave if there was no sex, and he doesn’t want to have sex with someone who doesn’t care about all the other things that make up a relationship. (In a nutshell)

I also know that it’s a show made to get views so it’s likely a ton of stuff has either been left out or they’ve made it seem more dramatic than it is. But it was pretty convincing! It’s more the questions that it sparked that I’m interested in.

I can see both sides, and I know lots of power couples who prioritise sex over their emotional relationship and it works for them. They can fix anything with sex. That is a completely foreign concept to me and impossible for us.
Likewise I know plenty of marriages who love each other deeply and do not have sex at all.

In the episode one partner made a comment that if there was no sex she would be out, and that her last marriage only ended because it was sexless. It was a dealbreaker for her.
It made me wonder, while I understand a sexless marriage is tough, and for some is a dealbreaker and I respect that - I couldn’t relate. If anything happened to my OH which ended our sex life, but everything else was intact, I know without a shadow of a doubt I would be staying with him.

I’m always keen to be educated on other’s experiences and points of views so I thought I would ask here, on a sex positive forum, as I think I will get honest opinions here. How would you say your priorities lay and why?

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Ooh, what an interesting post. I’m not sure I can split the components to be able to put it in a list.

For me, it is all involved. Sex is so much about the emotional side for me that I have a hard time splitting the two. But then again, partnership is very important, as is so have a similar spiritual basis. I certainly think my relationships work because these days I have a balance of all those. I’m minded to think that is the order too (emotional/sexual/partnership/spiritual).

Truth be known, I have a very hard time not having sex. I really struggle. I wouldn’t get rid of him if we couldn’t have sex, but I think I’d have to get some somewhere. He’d understand that.

Not a helpful answer I think, but I’m still mulling it over. Great thoughts though xx

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Very interesting topic and I would also agree in that yes sex for a healthy relationship is up there on the list but I wouldn’t put it right at the top as there are other important things like emotional connection that tally up higher and in turn make sex all that more enjoyable to have

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Great topic. Emotional has to be at the top for me. Friendship and sexual interchange with each other. The odd time I’ve had sex without the emotional connection, it just left me feeling empty and a little ashamed of myself. Having sex/making love with someone you have that emotional connection with takes it to a different level for me.

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Agreed.

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Very good topic, and not a simple one to answer for me.
So if I was to list it, my list would actually be same as yours:

  1. Emotional relationship
  2. Partnership/Friendship
  3. Spiritual relationship
  4. Sexual relationship

However, I find that these are all inter-connected, and ultimately one impacts another. The exception is perhaps Spiritual relationship - my spiritual relationship is with my Higher Power, and my partner can never be my higher power, or it is codependent. However, if I do not have my own spiritual relationship then I wouldn’t be a very good partner, so that makes it an essential as part of the relationship for me.

My very recent relationship ended, and I think I now understand why. Whilst we were together, it felt like my intimacy/sexual needs were not being met. Which they were not. But the bigger problem which I did not recognize, but can now see, is that my Emotional needs were not being met.
I won’t go into detail as not fair on my ex-partner, who I still love and care for a lot.

I think the point for me is that I measure, and often confuse, my emotional needs with sexual needs. Intimacy is important to me, physical contact, feeling needed, wanted and desired. Feeling loved. Somewhere, my head takes a right turn instead of a left, and it becomes a sex thing. My gut, my heart, my body, now tell me the lack of intimacy made me feel less than, not wanted, rejected, not loved.
There are of course reasons why things got that way, and I fully understand how and why - and it was stuff my ex just simply isn’t ready to deal with. And that’s OK, very sad and upsetting for me, but it is OK.

It left us with a very open and honest Partnership/friendship, and I have my spiritual relationship. Without the Emotional and Sexual relationship side though, if we continued, we’d have lost our friendship too (and maybe with time we can stay as friends), and I would have also lost my spiritual relationship too.

Apols for the ramble, but nice to see things a little differently and reflect around it. I certainly need the first 3 in place. I would struggle massively in a sexless relationship (my experience tells me this), but I think if 1, 2, and 3 are present and a valid reason of the sex life not being available, I would adjust well enough.

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We’ve had this conversation ourselves and sex ranks very highly in our list just under emotional connection and friendship as a couple.
Without those bonds surely sex is just that - sex?

We’ve also had the conversation regarding ‘making love’ and what does that mean? We aren’t the slow and sensual type despite trying to do the whole candles and sensuality thing, it just doesn’t work for us.
We love each other deeply, without that our sex life would just be purely sex.

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Sex is less important when it is part of your life but becomes more of an issue if it is taken away. When you can remember the last time you had sex then even if it is not as often as you like then you still feel like you have a sex life, but when it gets to the stage when you can’t remember when you last had sex no matter how much you tryto put it from your mind it is always there.
Obviously it is different if it is a mutual decision not to have sex but when one is wanting sex and the other doesn’t then it puts a big strain on a relationship.
Don’t get me wrong it is not necessarily a relationship killer but it is very hard for the partner that feels there is something missing.

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Ooo interesting. I find physical contact, not necessarily sex is tied pretty highly to how secure I feel in our emotional relationship irrespective of words that are said. When we have had tough times sex drops away pretty fast, but when the passing hugs, touch and kisses go I feel a sense of panic- doubt that he loves me etc. He however doesn’t feel that way and feels the need to cocoon himself and remove outside stimulation when struggling. Saying that, I am not a particularly touchy huggy person with just anyone it is saved for my nearest and dearest.

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Reading that makes me realize how lucky I am (daily)

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@mrssaffa
Can you give me a little more detail as to the name of the series?

I’m thinking it’s a Uk vs USA thing.

However. In a nutshell. My summary response is this.

Both my GF and I are carnal creatures by nature. We discussed it long ago. Our biggest strength and sense of confidence are inside the bedroom.

I can be ready to strangle her (figuratively, not literally), and still show her my love (which is always there despite the momentary irritations), in the bedroom. I’m an innate pleaser in the bedroom as is she.

What we have found (together for once in my life), rather than me just “fixing” things by taking exes to the bedroom is this.

It’s unmistakable that when either of us, before we met each other or after, are in the bedroom. We are making love to the recipient. And it helps both of us realize we had a momentary disconnect/irritation/etc.

But that’s exactly what it was. Momentary.

The love is always there. And when we show that in the bedroom. The love returns in the other areas and the “momentary issues,” are much more easily resolved afterwards.

The reason I emphasized (together for once in my life), earlier. Is this has always been my method of conflict resolution. Because no matter who it was, one night stand or ex of however many years. It’s clear when I’m in the bedroom in that moment that I’m loving that person.

It’s gotten me into sticky situations before when the other took it to mean I loved them outside of that moment inside the bedroom.

Does that make sense, without having been able to see exactly what it is you are referring to?

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It’s called Married at First Sight, different countries have their own version of it but its not a country vs country thing.
People literally get married the first time they see each other, and then start a relationship and see if they can make it work.

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Ah. Thank you. I’ve heard of it and watched a few episodes before with my GF. I just didn’t recognize the acronym. And mistakenly drew the conclusion it was somehow sex/intimacy related.

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Well I suppose it is, its people discussing what they want in a relationship and for the couple that is referenced, they have very different views. Interesting discussion though and I’d be curious why the ‘experts’ thought they’d be a good match.

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@mrssaffa was this a US version or the newest Australian season?

My priorities would be slightly different and thats going to be based on my current and last relationship.

Friendship/emotional/sexual

One doesn’t exist without the other, and each enhances the others.

Sex is very important to me in a relationship, its not more important than the others but I won’t have a sexless relationship if it’s a case of won’t rather than can’t.

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@JoCat

I felt like a total fool when I checked my email and had a Reddit email referencing Married at First Sight| Season 16:E06; You dropped a bomb on me. (Apparently this one is in Jamaica).

I figured you might get a kick out of that. Because I laughed out loud literally as soon as I saw it. And I’ve never once had a Reddit alert for MAFS before or anything even closely related.

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I think it’s a sign to give it a watch, I’ve only ever seen the Australian version but I like it. What they go through has some interesting talking points.

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Yeah. I’m going to mention it to her tonight or just make sure she’s sitting down before I put it on randomly so she doesn’t faint.

We watch a lot of deep stuff that is thought provoking. But she’s been a fan of that show since the one with the white guy who falls for the black girl.

She follows them to this day.

I guess the similarities ring true for her. We met under similarly strange circumstances and it was simply obvious it was meant to be.

It was too unbelievably strange how we met for it not to be. Heh

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@JoCat yes the newest Australian one - if it’s good for one thing it’s that it sparks some very interesting topics that’s for sure.
I think what got my back up is that this character essentially made it look like she was only looking for someone to have sex with, and the partner was obviously looking for a partnership. We couldn’t fathom her point of view and although complex it seems like the majority view sex as something strongly intertwined with everything else. Which is so good to see. You are right tough, there’s a big difference between won’t and can’t. Which ties in to @Vimto ‘s excellent point, it’s easy for us to say when we are having sex!

@Anony that makes a lot of sense. My partner and I have never done what they call “make up sex” we just get so up in our heads about whatever it is that is stressing us. I’m fascinated at how people can channel those emotions in to sexual energy.
Without getting in to too much detail, my OH’s ex’s have made him in to a sexual object, for lack of a better way of putting it. He is still working out the damage that has been done now, how ever many years on.
So this was happening in this episode which sparked quite a reaction from him, especially as the partner was fully kicking back. As always though you bring up thought provoking points. Maybe if we didn’t drown in our stress we could learn to live in the moment and pull each other out of it.

@Mr_Kink1 a perfect example of how it’s all so intertwined and that if one thing isn’t being met then the rest gets affected too. I’m sorry to hear of your current situation. Everyone deserves to be fulfilled - however that looks like, and all the power to you for recognising this, it must be difficult!

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@KinkyMira great insight, I think there’s nothing wrong with it even being number one on the “list” as long as the partner doesn’t feel like that’s all they are good for, unless they want it that way too :joy: so I suppose as long as honest communication happens - but I agree, despite it being low on my list it is still a priority and I do get grumpy and feel disconnected without it. You are spot on, it’s all so intertwined.

@FortySomethingWife you make a very good point, what even is making love? I guess when I define it, making love would be slow and sensual and probably relatively vanilla but the lights are usually on and I’m not really a candle person :sweat_smile: but then when we are just f***ing for fun, however that looks…isn’t that also making love when it’s within a relationship, since we are giving pleasure to each other because we love them…. Thus…. Making love…. I’m sure @Anony can weigh in on this one :joy:

@steviefun thank you - I forgot about non sexual touch, that’s such a good point. If he stopped all that I’d be like what’s wrong, probably more than if he stopped saying “I love you” every 13 minutes.

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