hi im new to this so please be gentle. Ive been married for 8 years and really love my wife but we have not had sex for 7 years, since our daughter was born . I have spoken to her numerous times about this and she keeps saying she loves me --which i truley believe but she still refuses sex. I have resorted to pleasuring myself with dildoes and buttplugs but ended up throwing them all out because i felt ashamed of using them especially with a young child in the house. I have recently discovered that i have high blood pressure and have been put on medication to combat this but a side effect appears that when masturbating ( quickly in bath ) i struggle to orgasm . When house empty and watching porn orgasm is easier. This i can just about manage to cope with but the problem now is i have fallen for a woman at work. I think she feels the same I will never leave my wife and daughter in a million years as my dad walked out on me when i was 5 and it desroyed me also i was adopted so my family is very important to me as i never felt as if i truley belonged , but i dont want to never make love again. Someone i worked with a few years ago wanted me and i wanted her but we held back and she left the company. The longer i go without sex the more difficult it is to resist . I know if anything happened i would be mortified as i dont believe in cheating but part of me just wants to go for it. Im very sorry if this is rambling rubbish but i have no one to talk to .
Having an affair will only make things worse so don't go there why don't you try date nights or even just go away for the weekend just the two of you yes sex does matter in a relationship but it's not important it's the being together and the companionship Try lots of kisses and cuddles make her feel wanted and loved As for masturbation don't feel ashamed if it gives you the sexual relief you need carry on doing it concentrate on your wife not other women am sure things will work out for you
woodstock2 wrote:
hi im new to this so please be gentle. Ive been married for 8 years and really love my wife but we have not had sex for 7 years, since our daughter was born . I have spoken to her numerous times about this and she keeps saying she loves me --which i truley believe but she still refuses sex. I have resorted to pleasuring myself with dildoes and buttplugs but ended up throwing them all out because i felt ashamed of using them especially with a young child in the house. I have recently discovered that i have high blood pressure and have been put on medication to combat this but a side effect appears that when masturbating ( quickly in bath ) i struggle to orgasm . When house empty and watching porn orgasm is easier. This i can just about manage to cope with but the problem now is i have fallen for a woman at work. I think she feels the same I will never leave my wife and daughter in a million years as my dad walked out on me when i was 5 and it desroyed me also i was adopted so my family is very important to me as i never felt as if i truley belonged , but i dont want to never make love again. Someone i worked with a few years ago wanted me and i wanted her but we held back and she left the company. The longer i go without sex the more difficult it is to resist . I know if anything happened i would be mortified as i dont believe in cheating but part of me just wants to go for it. Im very sorry if this is rambling rubbish but i have no one to talk to .
Hey Woodstock,
Any particular reason your wife does not want sex ? Has something had such an impact on her that she needs counselling for example? did she have a bad labour? How was she before your child's birth?
For both your sakes you need to talk this over not as a matter of anger or blame, you come across as desperate and on the edge of cheating, do you need counselling? Together ?
For most people I think Sex is an extension of your emotional state it allows you to express your feelings, attraction and desires in a very intimate way, to go for 7 years without being able to act out your sexual emotions to your partner without having a firn understanding as to why is a very worrying state for you both.
cheating is cheating and does not deserve to be dressed as anything else, it's not your answer, it might seem like an answer but that's only because you have no real answer from your partner, you won't get one if she does not know why she feels the way she does.
you need to talk and take action as soon as possible I would strongly suggest you both need professional guidance, I truly hope you get a way forward together
Hi woodstock2.
That sounds tough!
Whatever the reasons for your situation, I‘d recommend giving her positive opportunities to help you both understand what‘s happened in your relationship, and her relationship with sex.
I can‘t help also wondering if your wife was perhaps traumatised by childbirth? I‘ve come to learn that post traumatic stress disorder is one possible outcome after a difficult childbirth, and sexual advances can be a trigger.
Even without trauma, a woman’s feelings about her body can be drastically altered in many ways after giving birth. The expectations of parenthood and married life can also put pressure and even a negative spin on sexual desire.
Counselling, or relationship counselling and your full emotional Investment & support would be my recommendations, particularly if either or both of you have complicated & unresolved emotions to work through.
It seems cruel & unfair that you don‘t have answers, but it could be she needs help understanding or expressing her feelings on this. Working through difficulties together can build really strong bonds.
I wish you & your family all the best.
I’m in a sexless marriage. We use to have great sex, but hubby got ill and hasn’t been able to have sex since. He has a terminal heart failure. I still have a very high sex drive and masterbate most days. Usually away from hubby as I don’t want him to seek inadequate. He plays with me occasionally but it’s very upsetting and frustrating for him.
I agree that your wife might have suffered trauma at child birth. It’s not always as happy and harmonious as we would like to think. So yes counselling may help.
If you want to go outside the marriage for sex I would suggest you think about this carefully. You can never go back. So if you leave the marriage for sex I believe you have left your wife and child. Encourage openness and offer support. This may be very hard for her too.
Thank you everyone for all your kind words . Unfortunately my wife finds it difficult to talk to anyone about these sort of things. We will stay together . I feel better for getting it all off my chest and it's lovely to know that there are such lovely people like yourselves I can talk to x
It does feel at times that we only had sex to produce our daughter . Whenever we had oral she let her legs as closed as possible so I wonder if she really enjoyed it . Maybe it's me . As much as I love her I can't face the fact I will never touch anyone intimately ever again
Mate , this is where I was some years back . My wife refused sex ,and would not discuss it . Eventually , we started to have seperate interests , and seperate lives . We were not even "flatmates" . I would walk into a room , and she would walk out . I got sick of hearing "try to talk to her" , like I hadn't been trying to do that . I became very resentful of her , and women in general ( not good ) I began to have affairs ( and so did she ironically) , and egan to enjoy the buzz of the " pick up" . Eventualy , I did meet a fantastic woman , and got with wife found out . My only regret was not breaking with my wife 1st ( and hurting the children , of course)
I'm sorry to say , that ending the marriage might be the only option , if you want itimacy . It's hard , messy , and sould destroying . I now am married to a wonderful woman ( no idea what I did to deserve her ) , and the pain was worth it . Sorry I have nothing positive to add , but I'm sure you'd rather have honesty I wish you all the luck in the world
I agree with Don't it's not all about Getting. It is a worrying state to have been without sex for many years, and worrying that you don't feel your wife has given you the explanation you deserve.
Emotions around sex and desire are complex things. People can commonly develop all sorts of negative relationships with sex through; shame (eg. feeling that certain acts are 'sinful' or 'dirty'), lack of body confidence, trauma such (sexual assault, birth trauma, etc), struggles with gender identity, or any number of other emotional concerns & fears. Having a child adds the emotional weight of expactations about what it is to be a good parent, the day-to day work of caring for a child, and often sleep deprivation. It's really common for a marriage to be sexless for a time after kids arrive, though I would say 7 years is going a little bit far!
If there are emotional blocks to your wife enjoying intimate contact (or is it penetration specifically?) I'd say this should be addressed for her sake and yours, so it doesn't go on like an elephant in the room. Not saying she needs 'fixing', people are all different, but some way for you to understand what's going on, and feel her love and support on this would be the least I'd expect in your shoes.
From my own experience of marriage, I'd say my wife is more likely of the two of us to want my attention emotionally to feel physical desire. Us fellas often approach it the opposite way: we hope for physical attention to help us feel emotional closeness. Not assuming this is your situation, but if it is, I'd recommend putting aside your physical desires for her for a bit, to help understand her feelings better: avoid making sex your priority for now. There's plenty of great solo toys on LH, and I don't think you should feel at all ashamed about what turns you on as long as you're not hurting anyone. It's fun and healthy too ;D
Approaching the emotional side: If you haven't already, maybe you could reach out to your wife and try to really really listen to how she feels about the state of your relationship, about being a mum, and how things have changed. If you can do this without making out this situation is her fault, without interrupting her before she's finished talking, without being at all defensive, and in a totally selfless and open way, then there's a decent chance your wife will feel like opening up about her more closely guarded feelings about her body and about sex with you. Talking openly is a lot about trusting that you will be heard without being judged in a negative way.
If she can't open up & talk with you after your best efforts, I'd recommend the relationship counselling route. A third person may be able to see better where you're both coming from, and offer guidance.
Relationships take work sometimes, but I promise the effort is worth it if you love each other. It sounds like you still love her & want it to work. If she's given up on your marriage, that's different. An unhappy marriage is not always better than separation for couples and their children. It sounds from your description that she's having some difficulty with something, and needs support.
Hope it works out for the best for you both.
From my own personal experience Maybe she is the one cheating
Ah man, sounds like a whole load going on there!!
First thing I'd say is way your comments read, the sex stuff is very much tip of the iceberg as it were, and obv there's gonna be a lot of stuff running through your head about everything. I think as much as anything you just need to feel wanted and loved perhaps.
7 years is a long time, and no doubt that has led to a lot of negativity and beating yourself up. If you felt ashamed over the butt plugs etc., please don't go near the affair route of any kind!
There's some great suggestions above as ways to try and progress, but I think one thing you need to also do is make sure you look after yourself. Not in a physical sense of cracking one out, but getting things right in your own head. For example
Whenever we had oral she let her legs as closed as possible so I wonder if she really enjoyed it . Maybe it's me .
One of the earlier comments mentioned about making decisions - I think that is absolutely right. You need to take some action, in a positive way. Taking the sex side out of it, is your wife open to talking about other things between you? If nothing else, would she be open to hearing how the situation is making you feel? If she is, perhaps that is an option, but focus on how it is making you feel rather than the physical aspect of wanting sex.
If you think this would be awkward, consider writing her a letter to explain how things are for you in a gentle way, and that you're concerned about how she is feeling, ask if there is anything you could do to help her feel better. Suggest some time the two of you somewhere, I think someone mentioned a spa day - make sure it is not sex focused though. I personally find writing an amazing exercise, as I can rip it up and start again until I feel I have expressed myself how I want.
It's hard to suggest ways forward without knowing how every day life is for the two of you, but this is clearly causing you a lot of distress as it is clear you love her and your daughter - but it is not going to be a nice environment for your daughter if her Daddy is lost in his head and feeling unloved and unwanted.
If she is not willing to open up in any way at all about anything that is going on, then obviously that needs a lot of thought. The head is a powerful thing, and can be our own worst enemy. Based on what you have wrote, if anything did happen outside of your marriage, the guilt and shame would consume you entirely. Please look after yourself mate, give yourself some love and kudos for reaching out to get some advice to do the right thing!
Really hope time things improve with time.
I wonder if she feels guilty about this and that's making it worse? Whatever the reason, though, she's putting you in a very unfair situation. If there was a physical problem and you were both trying to work around it, it would be one thing, but to not bother or even discuss it is very unfair.
I had some female friends that refused sex with their husbands - almost always seems to come on after childbirth - but they were so radical with their belief that the husband just asking or "getting handsy" or trying to cuddle is almost force/attempted rape that I stopped seeing them.
Sex between partners is natural and expected. At the very least I'd expect a frank conversation about the reasons why our sex life was no longer (unless there's an obvious physical reason). Communication is the most important thing between a couple and your wife is clearly avoiding it. Can you ask her to attend counselling sessions alone and then with you when she's comfortable with the counsellor? I suffered sexual trauma and now see a psycho-sexual counsellor attached to a GUM unit in my local hospital. They would be my choice as I've had several other counsellors and the specialists are head and shoulders above a normal one. Go alone if she refuses. It will help to talk.
Your wife must be aware that you're unhappy with the situation. Did she have a traumatic birth or hard time with depression after it? I hate to say it but if she didn't I'd say she's just fallen out of love with you and is no longer sexually attracted to you. It's not impossible to re-kindle those feelings but if she has friends that share the same kinds of feelings towards sex with their partners the only hope there is for her to stop seeing them.
She could be having an affair - does she have the opportunity?
These are answers you need for your own sanity. Hard decisions need to be made. If she won't talk try a letter to her. It will need to be very carefully written to avoid seeming threatening to her, though.
In my experience most men have a higher sex drive than women (hormone fluctuations, pegnancy, doing the lion's share of childcare and housework causing tiredness etc.) but this is no reason to stop having sex with your partner for years. It's not fair.
I hope you manage to get to the bottom of this. It must be very difficult for you. Good luck.
Thank you for all your kind comments . I really don't think she is cheating as she really doesn't have time . I try talking to her but she won't talk about it she just says she loves me . Maybe it's just me being silly . Trouble is I'm getting to the point that every woman I get on well with I really want to make love with them . There is no way I will ever leave my family but sometimes I desperately desire to touch a woman
Thank you for all your kind comments . I really don't think she is cheating as she really doesn't have time . I try talking to her but she won't talk about it she just says she loves me . Maybe it's just me being silly . Trouble is I'm getting to the point that every woman I get on well with I really want to make love with them . There is no way I will ever leave my family but sometimes I desperately desire to touch a woman
Ah my heart breaks for you just reading this. I cant even imagine how you must be feeling. I have a meltdown when I dont get it for a week so i dont know you just be feeling. I have no real advice apart from talk to her. Be honest and tell her that you just cant wait any longer. Tell her you feel guilty about using toys. She needs to be told the truth to fully understand even if it's going to upset her. Is there not some sort of counciling you could maybe try to get her to open up about why she doesnt want sex anymore. It's a natural thing and she cant moan at you for pleasuring yourself if shes not helping.
I'd suggest a date to somewhere you used to go before having family that's comfortable and familiar with some privacy, maybe an afternoon walk/weekend or night away and have one last attempt to talk directly. If still no joy may I suggest looking to offer your wife some support/book some impartial marriage guidance counselling - a third party may help get to the root of the problem.
If your wife says no to all this then you've got a few why's to explore - hopefully together.
Good luck mate
There could be many reasons for your wife not wanting sex.
It seems that she's communicated her wants and needs, not to have sex or talk about it.
7 years is a very long time celibate.
You are now at the point of leave, cheat or find another way.
I recommend putting the ball in your wife's court, but not as an ultimatum, so that you can find the best way forward.
My needs are to have physical and sexual contact with a woman.
You aren't prepared to meet those needs yourself.
I don't want to break up with you.
My options are:
1. Pay for sex.
2. Have random hookups through Tinder...
3. Start swinging.
4. Find a fuckbuddy.
5. Have an open marriage.
6. Become polyamorous.
Please choose which of the above you find acceptable.
Get her to choose which is acceptable to her, because being in a sexless relationship isn't what you agreed to when you married her.
This could benefit her as she's then relieved of the pressure and guilt of not meeting your needs.
This is her problem as well as yours.
It's in both your interests to resolve it satisfactorily for both parties.
Good luck!
Thank you everyone , you have all been very kind . Leaving is not an option. My dad left when I was young and I would never inflict that pain on anyone. FWB not really an option as I'm no oil painting . Not prepared to pay for it as I need a connection to the other person . Thank you all for listening to me xx
Brave to ask for help :) I had a pretty similar circumstance. Some people have a lot of issues around sex. Childbirth + raising a child can create sex issues even where there weren't issues before, so it's issues on top of issues. Hard work is the answer and persistence, while giving space, is key. Don't expect fast results. Focus on emotional connection and make time to be in the bed together. Expect tears before orgasms. Tears might mean the end of that session but are a step forward in the greater journey. Your body is wired to expect a quick fix, resist that temptation and put the time in to help your wife with issues that are much worse for her than they are for you. Good luck :)
Wow posting that brought back a lot of memories. It's a really hard subject to talk about. It's a tough situation because she probably feels like she is failing by not being able to reciprocate and that ties back in to whatever is stopping her feeling sexy. She may even not be allowing herself to get into it because she thinks she will fail or that she won't be able to go as far as you. The only way forward is to keep communicating and going at her pace. Once you start working through her emotions with her you will eventually start to see results. Talking with a third party to the same end also could be good but it sounds like that's ruled out. Make the time, keep up the hard work.