Singledom

Off-Topic Chat
1

Hi all,

So, after three years, my OH and I broke up yesterday. He was pretty much my first everything, and now I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself.

We broke up because I'm going abroad for a year this summer, and I really wasn't looking forward to the prospect of going THAT long-distance; we've been living 300 miles apart most of the time for nearly two years now and I just couldn't deal with it any more.

So I know it's my fault and I've brought this on myself, because I chose this, but I just feel completely empty. I still love him, he still loves me, and now half of me is screaming at me to just ask him to take me back and MAKE it work while I'm in the Middle East, but the other half's saying that wouldn't be fair on him and I should at least make a go of being single.

I have no idea what I'm tryin to say here, just some advice on what to do, how long I'm going to feel crap, and how the hell I stop crying at EVERYTHING would be useful.

2

Cheer up...Ive been working abroad for years including the middle east...it can still work out

3

why not just keep in touch with no commitment?

4

Hi,

Sorry to hear that. Sadly, It's always so much easier to give advice isn't it? But unless the person your advising(!) can relate to what you're trying to say it probably won't help...

Everything is raw for you ATM so I think you need to figure out exactly what you want otherwise no amount of advice will help. This may take time (sorry for the obvious cliche). Only once you've figured out what you want can you then do anything about it. So, if you do want to make your relationship work long distance you can. That said and sorry for being blunt, I think there does come a time where one of you would need to move to make things easier.

All the best

5

Long distance, long term relationships do work.

My dad was in the Royal Navy for some twenty years, posted to the other side of the world for a year at a time.

He still had time to have three children and celebrate his fiftieth wedding anniversary.

My sister is married to a merchant seaman, he is away for eight week postings. She reckons their relationship is better for it- peace and quiet for eight weeks and then great sex as soon as he is through the door!

It depends on whether the two of you want to continue with your relationship.

6

My Father in Law was in submarines during the war, Ma in Law didnt know if he was alive or dead until he walked through the door, that is tough

7

Me and my girlfriend are currently experiencing the downfalls of long diestance at the moment and are finding it hard, and that's still being in the same country.

Is an open relationship something you've considered? That way you won't have to go without companionship while you're apart, but still have the love you share in the relationship?

8

I'm sorry for what's happened Hun. Give it time x

9

Awww hun

10

Singledom has its benefits as well as its downsides. Ok you don't have someone in your bed every night but that means you can sleep diagonally and not worry about hurting their feelings when you want to whip out your bunny. I like being being single. It would take someone really special to make me give up all my freedom's.

However I do remember my last break up. I felt rubbish, unloved, unwanted, unneeded. But then it ended badly. Infidelity is a bitch. It took me a while to realise that I wasn't at fault. It wasn't the fact I work antisocial hours and can be hard to pin down, though it didn't help. We stayed together too long. Neither of us wanted to admit it.

In the case of you and your ex only you can decide what is right for you.

11

Hi Cheer_up. I'm sorry you feel so down at the moment.

I understand how difficult a situation it is....I did long distance for 3 years and after that time, the thought of potentially doing long distance for another 3 (if I went to a different uni to the one I did go to) I was sure I couldn't cope.

But that was 3 additional years and not 1. To me, one year would be doable (such that I'm considering moving away to another country for maybe one or two years knowing that WandA wouldn't want to leave Liverpool.). Really, the last 6 years of our relationship have flown by so quickly that I realise in fact - a year is absolutely nothing.

Of course it would be difficult, with all that distance, and the beginning of a new situation takes time to get used to. It very well may take 8 months to adjust to the situation.

But if you're going to have internet access then you can use skype to keep in touch (with videos), and yes you'll miss him physically, but maybe you can cope with that if you're getting what you need emotionally.

But if contact and communication is going to be limited - that's when it gets more difficult to deal with. If *this* is the case, I can completely see why ending it makes sense. Him being "left behind" so to speak will become more of an issue if you're not talking frequently and you may be more susceptible to insecurities about his behaviour in a situation with little communication.

It's such a difficult situation but maybe it's worth sitting down, planning all the scenarios, thinking of all of the pros and cons, the things that will make it harder/easier and how you will both respond to the situation. Then you can be sure whatever you decide (and really, you know best) you've considered all the possibilities.

Ultimately, no decision will ever be 100% perfect but you have to trust yourself to deal with whatever happens :)

And don't feel guilty for doing what's right for you (you say "I know I brought this on myself" and that doesn't matter, it's a difficult situation, don't feel guilty for making decisions that are right for you. Every decision (like moving away) comes with consequences, you can never pick the one that has no negative sides to it because I don't think that exists) you are justified in feeling devastated about the end of a relationship even if you triggered it!

Hugs sweetness,

Adxx

12

we managed for 2 yrs with just a letter once per week lol with the internet it is a breeze, it just depends on whether you want to make it work

13

Hi hun, I know how you are feeling. I am in a long distance relationship, with my oh in the armed forces. He away lots. He added it up and in total he has been away for about 600 days since we have got together, thats when hes deployed away, not including the days I didnt see him from one week to the next as he was based 200 miles away at the time. We have been together 5 years, are engaged have a 3 bed house and are planning to have a baby soon and we love each other very much still if not more so. It is true when they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and if you love each other enough, are strong enough to cope without each other for a while, and trust each other in the process then why can't it work?! It's not worth giving up for the sake of being thousands of miles away from each other if you love one another so much. It will be hard adjusting to be single, but something tells me that you don't want to? Because you still want to be with him, and you still can. It can and will work if you are both commited to the relationship and one another.

x

14

ronnie-baby wrote:

Hi hun, I know how you are feeling. I am in a long distance relationship, with my oh in the armed forces. He away lots. He added it up and in total he has been away for about 600 days since we have got together, thats when hes deployed away, not including the days I didnt see him from one week to the next as he was based 200 miles away at the time. We have been together 5 years, are engaged have a 3 bed house and are planning to have a baby soon and we love each other very much still if not more so. It is true when they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and if you love each other enough, are strong enough to cope without each other for a while, and trust each other in the process then why can't it work?! It's not worth giving up for the sake of being thousands of miles away from each other if you love one another so much. It will be hard adjusting to be single, but something tells me that you don't want to? Because you still want to be with him, and you still can. It can and will work if you are both commited to the relationship and one another.

x

round of applause for that post ronnie baby

15

cheer_up wrote:

Hi all,

So, after three years, my OH and I broke up yesterday. He was pretty much my first everything, and now I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself.

...

I have no idea what I'm tryin to say here, just some advice on what to do, how long I'm going to feel crap, and how the hell I stop crying at EVERYTHING would be useful.

I'm not up to writing well, but it feels to me like there might not be much space in the thread for your feelings, cheer_up, what with all of these long distance success stories and such.

Hugs for you. None of us can say how long the pain will last, just that it will ease eventually. Loads of sympathy.

Did you break up purely because you don't feel up to more long distance or are there other aspects at play? Like questioning whether this relationship is strong enough or maybe a desire for fewer ties during your time away? If there's a positive aspect and you can find it, that might help.

What's best for you?

16

in the words of the song "dont give up on us baby"

17

thanks gunther.

x