Not been as active as I’d like on here, well in terms of contributing anyway.
Mentioned a few times me and Mrs Kink are in a bit of a dry spell (18+ months now). Well, the spell isn’t showing any signs of being over, and I’ll be honest, that light I try and keep on at the end of the tunnel is getting very dim. It’s a real sh!tty situation.
The hardest part is not missing out on kink, I mean that is important for me, but not essential, but lack of intimacy. Kissing, skin on skin contact, feeling wanted, desired or even attractive all seems to be by the by. Of course, being in recovery allows to look at my stuff around this, what it all means, my part etc., which I have spent quite a bit of time around (I posted before around the Monster in my head - I understand him better now).
We have been together for 4 years now, and still very much love Mrs K, and expressing that for me has always been a more physical thing. The ‘spell’ feels like it has become a fricking divide, and our relationship more akin to siblings than romantic. We have talked a lot around things, and I understand how difficult things are for her, and listen to how she feels numb inside (dead is the word she’ll use). I can relate to her in that sense, but not in a sexual manner - and I think that is very much a male female thing. She also feels very tired a lot of the time, and has little enthusiasm for life.
The big issue here is ultimately what is causing the problem. She is still hoping (I think) that it is a physical thing, a hormone related or early menopause signs. Had some blood taken to check for other stuff and came back negative.
Personally I think it is head stuff. This started after she lost her Dad, and here in lays the real difficulty. She has a big thing (fear) around death, and I think is keeping all this stuff in side, not wanting to deal with or accept her Dad has passed.
Part of the problem with this approach is when bottling feelings/refusing to feel, it becomes an all or nothing scenario. You cannot pick and choose what to feel and what not to feel. And in my mind, this is likely to be the cause of her feeling ‘dead’ inside.
Here in lays the problem. I am absolutely helpless. Until she is ready herself to deal with/grieve/process what is going on, I feel I have no choice but to watch her torture herself. On top of the fears around accepting her Dads death, she then of course knows how difficult I have found things without intimacy, and puts that pressure on herself too.
We were talking last night and she suggested if an Open Relationship would help, so I could get my needs me. I have to say hearing that made me feel really bad, angry to begin with, but actually very sad. I said no, it’s not how I’m wired. My needs are being intimate and to feel wanted by Mrs K - and unless she has a clone wandering around, nothing else will provide me with that. Even with her consent, I would feel guilty and unfaithful. And I know for sure it would crucify her too.
For that same reason, solo play doesn’t solve my needs either - it makes it harder as I think more about the kink we’ve had before. The fact she even suggested it however, tells me how much I mean to her.
As part of the same conversations, the message I got is she may never be ready to move on from her Dad passing (whatever that might look like). Of course, that is entirely her choice, all I can do is remind her I am there for her if she chose to.
It feels like the very dim candle at the end of the tunnel has been blown out, and I don’t have any matches left to light it again.
I think I’ve typed this just to get it out of my head a little. Not looking for advice or suggestions etc., it is very much what it is, and ultimately know what my options are. Appreciate it’s not a Happy Thursday read, but thanks for giving me a place to share.
