Was reading another post potentially related to addiction and kind of inspired me to share a little bit more around my experience with what I’ll simply call my unwell mind.
I’ve often mentioned in comments before how I am in recovery from drug addiction, it’s been just over 3 years (or more accurately, 1150 days today) since I put a mind altering substance in me (drugs or alcohol), and I have not had the obsession or even a temptation to do so for a very long time.
I am generally in a good place. In a relationship that is honest and open (in terms of talking that is), and always learning more about myself. I actually recognize I am a decent guy, and generally have been (of course, I have had plenty of times of shame, embarrassment etc., but who hasn’t?).
Generally speaking, all is pretty good in Mr_Kinks world. However, my head, or the monster (addict, alcoholism, whatever people choose to call it), doesn’t like my knew calm peaceful life of purpose.
I’ll save you from all the addict background etc., and move straight onto main point.
Me and my girlfriend live apart, she has 3 school age children. I have 2 adulting kids, 1 that lives with me. I mention this only because she no longer has ‘child free’ nights.
From when the C word kicked in, we have gone from semi-regular kink and frequent quality vanilla sex, to frequent vanilla quality sex, to, infrequent vanilla sex. I’m not sure what it is right now. A dry spell, if you will. And that, as a whole, should be absolutely fine. I understand the circumstances around kink, it is difficult to be able to relax being blindfolded and tied up with kids sleeping in next room. No issues with that. And I have no issues with frequency, it’s always more about quality. Except now, it seems to be a nothing. The OH just doesn’t feel in the mood. And that is fine, or at least I try to be fine as much as I can be. We have talked about it several times, although I have to be careful as the last thing I want to do is make it a ‘thing’ by adding pressure or causing more problems. I just try to be supportive, available to talk, and to listen if there is anything I can do to help. Really it is just be standard relationship stuff, I’m sure everyone has these times.
All I can do is give my OH time to work through what’s going on for her. Which should be fine, until of course the monster gets involved.
I started writing this a few months back, in fact last year ('21). Was feeling pretty low, so thought I’d just put together a rant - and actually makes more sense to continue this as it is related.
So I didn’t really get into the Monster part. It makes me feel like a completely different person, it affects my moods, behavior, decisions. It consumes me.
If we’re in bed together and I know nothing will be happening, my head will think of nothing else. I am wide eyed and feel like a man possessed. I have to literally battle with myself to not start touching her sexually, or in any way where all I want is get her in the mood.
My behavior at the time goes against all of my morals and beliefs, and scares me in terms of how little in control I feel of myself. My hands go on auto-pilot, wanting to touch and caress, and the more I fight it the more consumed I feel. It gets to a point that I have to leave and go home, and even then stay awake most of the night fighting in my head.
I am happy to report that I have made a lot of progress in terms of dealing with this stuff, however it still affects me. Me and the OH have been in a funk for around a year now, and that’s OK. I love her dearly, I know she has been treated pretty badly in the past and has some head jazz going on. I try my hardest now to not rescue, and to just be there and support her when I can. I’ve suggested the docs a few times, but she thinks its psychological rather than physical/medical.
Recently she wrote me around how she feels on stuff, mainly based around our current funk as she knows its affecting us both. My first thoughts were to reply paragraph for paragraph, like I was marking a frigging essay, because of course, I am always right (my ego is a c*"#). Made everything all about me (surprise!), proper victim and hard done by me.
Lost my temper with myself, did some meditation and recovery work. Read it back again a few days later and decided to simply thank OH for her letter and her honesty.
I’m so glad I didn’t reply, and a week or so later we talked more around how things were affecting me, my needs of intimacy, and what sex and kink mean to me (my way of expressing love, and kink for me is being completely open and vulnerable with the person I love).
Hmmm - 3rd time I have come to post a new topic and this reappears, so I think I’ll get to hitting the create button this time!
The monster is still in my head, of course he is, but we have a far better understanding of each other now. Occasionally he surprises me, like the other night, and I have to ‘up and leave’ my OH’s and take him home. If I stay, I know it is a battle in my head, very little sleep, and I’m tetchy next day, so best thing for all is for me to manage it that way.
There’s no real change in what’s going on with the ‘funk’, still a dry spell thats affecting both me and Mrs_Kink. I have spent a lot of time looking on whats going on for me, being open and honest with the OH about my needs and such like. I have to be careful, as I know this isn’t a thing through choice for her, just a lot of tiredness and nothing is having much affect in turning her on (usual ‘fail safes’ of smell, erotic reading, touching just have little to no affect).
There are moments she is in the mood, and preference is quickies to avoid head taking over.
Some good news though, she has spoke to Docs, and has an appointment for blood taking and testing, and based on some family history it seems like there may be something there that causes impact (I won’t go into detail as not about me).
It may be directly or indirectly caused, but either way it offers hope for her, and making her feel less ‘broken’, and still mindful there could be (probably is) head stuff added in as part of the last year and her past. I have to be mindful I’m not the only one with an unwell mind, and life really is not all about me!
I wonder now the purpose of my post. I guess since I thought about this post initially, 202 days ago, I’ve learnt a fair bit about me, and that has really helped. At various points I’ve wanted to post about it for the following reasons, in no particular order:
- getting things out there and sharing what was going on for me.
- for others that may have their own monster, to share and relate (I’m glad to say I’m no longer scared of him taking over).
- offer a little hope for others that might be going through something similar in terms of ‘dry spells’.
- the importance of honest and open dialogue with partner (honesty can be really difficult when I think I might upset someone I love).
- what I want isn’t actually what I need. I want kink, lots of passionate love making. When I’ve looked at that what I need is what I see as intimacy, and being most vulnerable with someone that is very special to me.
- my needs for intimacy, feeling wanted and desired, are important. I need them in my relationship, and it is OK for me to say when my needs are found wanting.
- there are other ways to meet the a/m needs than sex and kink.
- needing and having are very different. People, places, things are out my control. But my behavior, boundaries, and what I say is in my control.
I’ve written, deleted and rewritten a load more of this as I’ve gone through, so I guess it’s left as more of a summary, and it may be somewhat disjointed.
Anyhow, maybe it might offer some hope to someone, maybe some might find interesting, or perhaps just a tumbleweed just passing through.
As a wise man once said, it is what it is 
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Thanks for reading, Mr Kink (& his little monster)
