I really want my OH to follow through with his 'threats' of things like trying me up and doing unspeakable things to me; I put restraints on the 4 corners of the bed, and I've used them on him, much to his pleasure, but I'm gagging to be tied up myself. This is in fact the least of the things I want in the bedroom...
He is a dominant man in and out of the bedroom, but lately he's suffering a bit from lower self esteem and/ or distraction. It hasn't stopped him wanting sex, but he doesn't want to be as kinky or adventurous as before. I know it's in there somewhere!
Do any of you ladies have any tips on how to make him loosen up, without me having to actually say it?! Alternatively guys, where do you stand on it?
Short of having that conversation with him, I don't have much advice, I'm afraid. From the perspective of the relationship, if it were me, I would focus on getting his full attention in the bedroom (particularly if his self-esteem is low) and encouraging communication so you can help each other get things back on track. To be honest, if I was in your position, I don't think I would be thinking about trying something new until you both felt on your A game. Having said that, everyone is very different, and you know your relationship better than anyone.
There are a few little hints that you can drop. If you don't want to have that conversation face to face, why not write him a detailed letter about what you'd like him to do to you, and slip it into his coat pocket for him to find at work? As you've tied him up, why not ask him to describe what it felt like, and then suggest you'd like to find out yourself?
Best of luck! (:
Hi av_sc - you really must talk to your OH. The only way that things will change is if you communicate together. It sounds as though he has something on his mind at the moment - it could be work - it could be personal - but you must talk to him to find out what is bothering him. It may be that he loves the idea of being submissive himself - you said that he was very pleased when you tied him up. I know you say that you would rather be tied up yourself - but perhaps you could take it in turns to be the dom/sub. He may need this release from control as much as you - especially if he is going through some issues at the moment.
You could also try playing a game together - this one has lots of good reviews and again you can take it in turns on playing the dom/sub. It would also give you some close time & fun time together.
Went through a little bit of this myself a few years back. Sounds like you really care as did my wife. What she did to pull me through was take the lead. What we got into was prostate massage she tied me a couple of times. Then I realised that she was leading the way and wanted me to tie her down. Keep talking be confident and it will be ok.
I would love to tie up my oh and dom her, havent got around to it yet, but my fantasy would be coming into the bedroom seeing her tied up and her asking me to do as I please with her.
Keep talking. Try to turn a date night into a role play. Do everything (where possible) to do all the things to him that you desire and then tell him........right my turn next :-). It is hard when ones a taker and the other gives lots
it could be as simple as he is really submissive at heart despite his dominant persona.
Hi av_sc - you really must talk to your OH. The only way that things will change is if you communicate together. It sounds as though he has something on his mind at the moment - it could be work - it could be personal - but you must talk to him to find out what is bothering him. It may be that he loves the idea of being submissive himself - you said that he was very pleased when you tied him up. I know you say that you would rather be tied up yourself - but perhaps you could take it in turns to be the dom/sub. He may need this release from control as much as you - especially if he is going through some issues at the moment.
You could also try playing a game together - this one has lots of good reviews and again you can take it in turns on playing the dom/sub. It would also give you some close time & fun time together.
I hope this helps - but please talk together - communications is essential :) xx
I second Scorpius here. The game she mentioned is really good, and (to me) fairly kinky, but you can tone it up or down depending on your preferences. The rolling of the die to determine dom/sub might suit you as well.
My thoughts however, is that as difficult as it can be to talk about stuff like this, once you get it out, your partner can actually know how you feel and respond to that, rather than guessing what you want.
Thanks everyone for your advice! That game does look fun, but I'd be unsure how to bring it about... I brought a door- jam sex swing as a pre- xmas present for us both but it remained in the box for over a month until i got p*ssed off and sent it back!
Without having a very honest talk, over the last year or so i've sent him loads of links for lovehoney products we should try, and asked for his input, and he seemed excited at the time with his own suggestions, but actually doing it, or using the things I buyis another matter!
It's very frustrating as when we first got together nearly 3 years ago, I was shy and pretty out of touch with my sexuality, but now I want to push boundaries, and I want to do it with him! Maybe it turns out he's just one of those all talk guys!
(I should add he's coming up to the final year of a PhD hence the stress and distraction)
:)
From the perspective of PhD stress, speaking from experience (I'm halfway through), can you take him away from his study environment for a bit? Pick a time when he has no deadlines imminent and have a weekend (or at least a night) away together? You might just need to catch him without any distractions, and you can spend some time totally focused on each other.
I agree with all of the other comments about starting to talk about things more openly. I was always the shy one when it came to sex and I found it hard to talk about what I liked or what my other half liked. Just try slowly by whispering in his ear that your fantasy is to be tied up and blindfolded. If you find that difficult to say I find it easier to say things in a text. Me and my hubby text each other a lot and I get turned on by talking dirty to him. Start slowly and build up to more. I love being tied up and I only found out I did by us talking about it and getting turned on.
Monogamy? the board game im meaning, its a great way of getting things like this without directly asking for them also a little tip if you want to be cheeky is rig the game by taking out the cards you dont want and hide them ;)