Trouble moving on

Off-Topic Chat
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I have come to realise that I am struggling to move forwards and adapt even after 4 years of life with kids. I don't think I was quite so bad with just the one but once number two came life felt like a uphill struggle ( through glue ).

What i mean by this is I sometimes don't look forwards to returning home after work as I know there will be lots of showing off and screaming/shouting etc. I know that my kids are pretty well behaved really and they are just being kids but I struggle with the noise ( it hurts my ears sometimes ). THe more of an issue I make of it the worse it gets or it just converts into whines and tears etc. Also, I am always remembering when we were younger and so much more free. If we go to places I keep thinking to myself ' this would be so nice just the two of us'. we have our first overseas holiday coming up and we've really treated ourselves to a lovely hotel but I know we won't be able to take advantage of loads of its luxuries as it'll just be impossible or rubbish trying with the little ones. The thought of the long flight terrifies me.

I'll balance this by saying I do love my kids. I don't regret things in life and certainly not them ( despite all the above ).

Has anyone else felt something like this? How did you come to terms with it?

I know that I should be very grateful for two lovely healthy kids and enjoy my time as the grow up so fast etc etc etc but its a big difference knowing what you ( or society thinks ) should feel and what you actually feel.

Apologies if poor grammar etc as I'm shattered after a night shift. Must sleep...

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Hi BigPoppa,

I'm not as far down the road as you, but I think I understand where you are. Life with kids can be such hard work. My little guy is only 15 months, and he's amazing, but I'm feeling very much the same as you.

Sex has gone out of the window, sleep is at a premium, and time to yourself just doesn't happen any more. Even when you have a day off work, you don't get a lie in, and the days all seem to blur together. Sound familiar?

I can't comment with the screaming and shouting thing, as I haven't got to that bit yet, but my thought is that how we are feeling is completely natural, and only to be expected. Life has changed in a huge way, and its very difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm told the first 18 years are the hardest...

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I'm at an earlier stage in my relationship but we one day hope to have kids, but also hope to have an 'us' night at least once a month. A little bit of time to reconnect without stress because we've farmed them off and to enjoy doing something together such as the theatre or a meal. Perhaps just plan things and stick to them?

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toycar69 wrote:

I'm told the first 18 years are the hardest...External Media

You optimistic young soul.

Given current house prices I think 25.External Media

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have you spoken to your docs about how you feel, just to rule out any chances of you having post natal depression, untreated it can and sometime does last a long time.

If its not that, I would suggest trying to get someone to babysit once or twice a month and having some time alone, it makes a massive difference to us, just a night out a month without the kids, and we try to spend that night not talking about the children either.

It is really hard when they are small, I know we have a 8month old and a 10yr old but honestly ot does get easier and you will get your life back

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LOL @ WandA!

I'm guessing that by then I'd pay for him to move out!

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toycar69 wrote:

LOL @ WandA!

I'm guessing that by then I'd pay for him to move out! External Media

or maybe you move out and leave him there ha ha

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boobaloo wrote:

have you spoken to your docs about how you feel, just to rule out any chances of you having post natal depression, untreated it can and sometime does last a long time.

If its not that, I would suggest trying to get someone to babysit once or twice a month and having some time alone, it makes a massive difference to us, just a night out a month without the kids, and we try to spend that night not talking about the children either.

It is really hard when they are small, I know we have a 8month old and a 10yr old but honestly ot does get easier and you will get your life back

just noticed your a man, still go to your gp, honestly men can be as affected as women with children been born, my oh was with both of ours

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I totally get where you're coming from, kids are hard work. What we find works is once every couple of months, order something totally sexy from lovehoney, book a hotel room, take a couple of bottles of fizz and forget about the world for 24 hours. It works wonders, trust me!

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Yes, I've read in a number of places that its good to get some "grown up together time". That can be really tricky to do sometimes though, as family to look after the little ones is not always available for this kind of thing.

We had my mother in law booked in to look after the munchkin (not the LH forum member here ) while we went up to a works Christmas party back in December. That all got cancelled in the end due to the snow. I think the last time the 2 of us went out together was Wifey's birthday in November.

We find it hard to ask her to do more, as she already takes him 1 day a week while we are at work, and she's on her own since father in law died 3 years back. My parents are no help for now either.

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boobaloo wrote:

have you spoken to your docs about how you feel, just to rule out any chances of you having post natal depression, untreated it can and sometime does last a long time.

If its not that, I would suggest trying to get someone to babysit once or twice a month and having some time alone, it makes a massive difference to us, just a night out a month without the kids, and we try to spend that night not talking about the children either.

2 really good points here!

I'd add - for the holiday does the place you're going have a kids centre?

When I was little we'd go to a "kids club" at which ever resort we were in for say 2, maybe 3 days a week (maybe less when we were really little) and a couple of evenings too (like discos and things). We'd have a blast doing whatever the organisers put on and my parents would have some time to do what they wanted to do! Plus we'd be worn out and subdued afterwards too!

Also I'd definitely make sure you're getting plenty of time just you and the OH at home too - as WandA said, when we have kids we'll be having one evening a week "off" - luckily for us, WandA's mum is fab and I've absolutely no doubt she'd happily have them one evening a week or WandA's dad. They'll also be shipped off to my parents for a week or two in the summer holidays.

I did the same when I was a kid - childminder every evening and went off to my grandmother's for a week or two in the holidays. Summer hols (ok I know your little 'un is a bit young yet but when they are in school) we spent most of the time at the childminders then a week or two at a youth centre when she was away.

It did me the world of good though, made me confident, happy and I rarely get homesick because I learnt that a phone is all you need even if your miles away :)

It's all about finding a balance :)

Adxx

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I see a lot of this although I have no kids myself. The first thing I will say is Don't Feel Guilty about your feelings. They are entirely natural and normal.

I know it is not always easy to find time to be a couple once you have children. There are time constraints as well as financial and on top of all that you bet one of them will get ill on the night you are planning to spend together.

Do you have family you can fall back on? Or friends with children the same age as yours? Is there anyone that could take them or babysit them ?

Parenting is not an easy job. My own brother is a single father and I have seen him in tears at times. Just remember that they won't be small forever and the noise and constrictions do lesten with time.

My thoughts are with you.

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boobaloo wrote:

have you spoken to your docs about how you feel, just to rule out any chances of you having post natal depression, untreated it can and sometime does last a long time.

If its not that, I would suggest trying to get someone to babysit once or twice a month and having some time alone, it makes a massive difference to us, just a night out a month without the kids, and we try to spend that night not talking about the children either.

It is really hard when they are small, I know we have a 8month old and a 10yr old but honestly ot does get easier and you will get your life back

I'm quite happy that I'm not depressed. I've had two lots of counselling both in the last 5 years that have helped me sort out the source of a giggling low mood and this I'm glad to say is much better. Thanks to the recent councelling I've changed my life and work considerably and for the better so I'm confident its not that. You're totally on the ball to bring it up though.

I can't even say its for lack of private time compared to some friends we have with kids we've got it good. We have one regular night out a month together and intermittant family babysitting. I think we could use the later a lot more but the missus loves the kids being around and so doesn't go for this too often ( and you don't want to sicken them either! )

I guess its just been nice to hear others are feeling the same and that makes be feel a lot less bad about my feelings. The one thing I got out of counselling is that my feelings are mine and I'm 100% entitled to feel however I want.

I don't have a very sympathetic group of friends and family. My wife is the only sensitive person I know. Everyone else just cracks moments like ' oh you've got it easy, their lovely kids' or even ' it's just tough. life with kids is tough but you had them so you'll just have to get on with it'

Cheers everyone. Its great having the support/advice of you all External Media

Does anyone have any suggestions how I can live more in the 'now' and stop pinning for the past?

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Hi. I'm in a similar situation - one kid, but he's got enough energy for two! I also work nights (til midnight) and share childcare with Mrs M when she works in the mornings. It's very, very difficult, and I don't fingd it comes naturally to me, although it is getting easier, and I think the "terrible twos" are nearly over.

It doesn't help that I am depressed and not particularly enjoying life. I regret a lot of missed opportunities in the past, and can't really visualise a future that's any different from my life right now. Any dreams or hopes or ambitions I may have (very few), I can see no way to realise them. We get the occasional night off courtesy of family babysitters, but we're still not getting much time alone with each other. What we do get at the weekends is becoming awkward, because we're feeling pressure to have sex as often as we can, which makes it feel more like a duty than a pleasure, but still is less than we'd both like.

It's hard, and I'm riddled with self-doubt and low self-esteem, which makes me question the stability of everything in my life, including my marriage. Having children as well just adds to the pressure, and the lack of sleep does nothing for my mood or ability to think straight.

BUT, I've found support and friends and a place where I can be myself. Here. It's really a great forum, with some fantastic people, and it's doing me more good than I can begin to describe. Also making me horny as hell, but that's not what you'd call a real problem, now, is it?

People say "it won't be forever", but it can be very hard to see that from where you're standing. The best advice I can give to you or to myself - "When you're going through hell, keep going!" There's good stuff on the other side, BP, you've just gotta get past the troll on the bridge...

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Hiya

I think what might help you is to make plans, but not for something big thats months and months away, for small things, going out for meals with or without the kids, going to the footie with your mates (or whatever sport you enjoy), date nights at home with the oh, anything which you can look forward to.

I really do know how hard it is when kids are that age and everyone says it won't be forever, your kids are great, etc etc etc but you probably know your kids are great and that it won't be forever what you need is some help with getting through the here and now.

as MrMr says keep going, keep trying, talk to your oh, it sounds like you can talk to her and take comfort in her, don't give up, in years to come you really will look back and think "why did I feel like that", my oh went through it with our first, brought him to tears at times but he is still here 10 years later, our eldest is lovely and really it does get so much easier.

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I have been a single parent to a severly disabled child since her daddy kicked us out 5 years ago when she was not quite 1 year old.

So although my situation is slightly different I can totally agree that you do need some ME / US time, and if thats not working then maybe some talking therpay....

I have a slightly differnet problem in that my daughter spends 3 hours every fortnight in respite (usually early evening) and Im lost without her..... never quite knowing what to do by myself. Usually find myself sitting at my parents invading their evening. (they must really look forward to respite time eh? lol)

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Whilst I feel sorry that others are feeling the same it is helping normalise my feelings and I hope sharing will help others.

I guess we should take heart that there are many many happy mums and dads around the world and I guess from this a lot of them must have felt like this at some point.

As a complete aside this is my first post in a public place! Feels a bit naughty so I'm loving it!

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BigPoppa wrote:

Whilst I feel sorry that others are feeling the same it is helping normalise my feelings and I hope sharing will help others.

I guess we should take heart that there are many many happy mums and dads around the world and I guess from this a lot of them must have felt like this at some point.

As a complete aside this is my first post in a public place! Feels a bit naughty so I'm loving it!

Glad that your "loving it" and that we have made you feel welcome.

As they say a problem shared is a problem halved (or something)

I think having children is a massive change for anyone to make and it isn't surprising that some people take longer to adjust than others. It gets tonns easier as they get bigger, my 10 yr old would rather be anywhere but here with us, she is currently out with her friends at the park, and I cant tell you how fast the last 10 years have gone. Our baby on the other hand is crawling around his dads feet and driving him mad.

As AD said see if the hotel have a kids club, but don't be to surprised if they don't want to go, my daughter hasn't been to one yet (and believe me we have tried), but we have always met families around the pool and she has always had friends so she has been occupied, I am sure yours will be to.

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boobaloo wrote:

As AD said see if the hotel have a kids club, but don't be to surprised if they don't want to go, my daughter hasn't been to one yet (and believe me we have tried), but we have always met families around the pool and she has always had friends so she has been occupied, I am sure yours will be to.

I never wanted to go as a kid! But once I was there I loved it! I'd cry on the first day and not want to leave on the last External Media I'm glad for it now, had some great experiences!

Adx

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Alicia D'amore wrote:

boobaloo wrote:

As AD said see if the hotel have a kids club, but don't be to surprised if they don't want to go, my daughter hasn't been to one yet (and believe me we have tried), but we have always met families around the pool and she has always had friends so she has been occupied, I am sure yours will be to.

I never wanted to go as a kid! But once I was there I loved it! I'd cry on the first day and not want to leave on the last External Media I'm glad for it now, had some great experiences!

Adx

We tell her that she will love it, that she will make new friends etc etc but there is just no way she will go, tbh we didn't see much of her this year, she made friends and we were all inclusive so she took herself off for lunch when she was hungry, just came back for sun cream thats all