Vanilla sex relationship in need of some spice.

Hello all,

Im currently in a relationship, have been for over 2 years, and 99% of the time the sex is vanilla, incredibly vanilla.

In my past relationship I was sexually submissive and loved every second although at some points it got very intense. I've suggested to my OH that I would like to introduce dom/sub aspects into our sex life but it gets no further than suggestions.

We havent had sex or anything close for over 8 weeks now. I am incredibly horny and in dire need of a good seeing to. I have a variety of toys which i have tried to introduce also including a remote control love egg.

Please please please help my vanilla sex love life. How can I encourage him to try? Or to take an interest in the toys i've bought for us both and the variety of sexy lingerie.

Miss M

Well when I was trying to intorduce my partner into BDSM I started very slow. First a little spanking then just worked my way up. Finding out what he was comfrotble with and what he was not.

After trying some of the light stuff I brought BDSM porn into the mix. The more he watched the more he wanted to try. All I can say is start slow. BDSM can be a little scary and intimdating to those who have not had much experience or have not experinced it at all.


Hello Miss McK,

When me and my hubby first started to introduce stuff many moons ago lol we found it easier to write stuff down for each other ( what we wanted to try do to each other etc ) although this worked for us it may not work for others but you could maybe give it a try.

Hope i was of some help,


Thanks LilHorror and Audrrianna87! I really dont want to rush into anything as I everyone has a choice whether they choose to partake or not.

Both your suggestions were great. He has a foot fetish and i give him anything he wants in regards to his cravings. I'm hoping he might fulfil mine as i'm so giving! x

You say you haven't had sex for 8 weeks. Can I ask why? For me that would be my main. Concern prior to worrying about spicing things up. 8 weeks is a long time fir any couple. I understand that life can sometimes get in the way but it's important you make time for that connection x

I'm a full time uni student and the OH a full time chef. I also have a part time job for money as student finance is not enough!

General life stresses are getting in the way i think. He's cheated before but i dont want to think down the route of he's cheating again. x

Your young, engaged and basically still in the honeymoon period of the relationship. Two years may seem long but compared to a life long marriage it's technically still early days. This is the phase where you should both be jumping each other and at it like rabbits because trust me once you marry and have kids there is even less time for sex.
The best way for someone to learn what you like in bed is to do it more often. If you suddenly tell him you want BDSM after two months of no nookie it might intimidate him. My advise would be to slowly start getting back to a more active sex life and then slowly start asking him to give you a spank during sex or a bit of hair pulling etc. When it's over tell him his much you enjoyed him being in control and praise him. That way he's more likely to try it again. Then you could suggest he toes you up another night. Just take it slowly

I completely agree with you blonde vixen13. I do believe a little bit is because I was fed up of not getting what i wanted and so the spark just isnt there. I don't have the urge to get at each other, how could i if i get nothing from it. I try and talk but its in one ear and out the other. I think like you said we need to take it slowly but i really cant be doing with another two years of vanilla.

I still live at my parents but i see him at least 3 times a week and that includes the evenings so already our opportunities are limited.

I have approached him about it and all he says is that he wants it as much as i do but says nothing more.

The dom/sub thing was more in many months when things are back on track and sex is back on track. Its something that i mentioned around a year ago in depth but nothing came of it. I wouldnt go rushing in to anything.

Thanks for your help B_M x


In the early days every time we saw each other. He cheated with pressure from his mates. He has a foot fetish but i have a condition which makes hammer toes. Therefore he blamed that my feet werent attractive enough. Although he says they are now? Maybe he is just saying that just to make me feel better?

Its been addressed, or so we both think, but my condition is irreversible so it may always be something that is an issue. Anything he wants in regards to my feet he gets.

He never said anything, the occasional nod and yes but nothing materialised. I mentioned it after sex as not to spoil the mood.


Of he's not properly responding he may not be interested but doesn't want to say so just avoids it. You can try and start very slow with spanking and stuff, gentle restraints but if he just doesn't want to there's nothing you can do, best of luck though

Do you get any kind of a reaction from your OH if you dress up nicely for him (both in terms of going out - hair done, make up etc and in terms of dressing up in lingerie or corset/full works etc) ?

I'm kind of worried that he isn't all over you if i'm honest. As BV said at that age you should be jumping each other at any and every opportunity be it for a quickie or a decent session!

First things first the lack of sex is worrying, I know you say you're both extremely busy but two months would be killing me. Even one night a week you could try.

As for him not really giving you your fantasies. I was with an ex long term and whilst he didn't know most of my fantasies and love of kink he knew I loved handcuffs and to be cuffed or tied up. Unfortunately I got the point when he would ignore most of my requests to use them, if I got them out and told him to he would either ignore the fact or put them on then take them back off again.....

although he expected me to fulfil his wants. I got the point either he was selfish and did not want to fulfil my wants or he didn't like things like using cuffs.

If you're giving him what he wants with his foot fetish it would be nice for him to do small things for you. Have you considered taking charge a bit in the bedroom? You never know perhaps he isn't the dominant sort. All you can do is take it slow (but more than months at a time) communicate, dress up sexy introduce some things gradually. Perhaps introduce a sex board game or dice etc.

Unfortunately if he isn't into anything more than vanilla, you can't force him too.

You really just need to sit down and talk about it, not just sit there and tell him everything you want and ask why he won't do it, but talk about why you both think you're not having sex and what does he enjoy and dislike and what do you enjoy and dislike, and how you should both make more of an effort. You can't subliminally encourage him to like something he doesn't

Sometimes we don't have sex for a week or so. Sometimes life gets in the way and there's nothing wrong with that.

Key word here is communication I'm afraid. I know some men don't communicate well. Lol

Thank you all so much!

Im pleased to say after a long sit down and a few purchases from LH for the lingerie drawer things are looking a little bit more on track. I've talked about what we both enjoy and why we both think its not happening.

Lets hope it stays like this now!! x

Miss McK wrote:

Thank you all so much!

Im pleased to say after a long sit down and a few purchases from LH for the lingerie drawer things are looking a little bit more on track. I've talked about what we both enjoy and why we both think its not happening.

Lets hope it stays like this now!! x

thats brilliant. talking is always the key. In our relationship I tend to do more of the talking pmsl

Just remmber some of us men dont understand when a lady hints at something !

A hint is like a forgien langauge

If you want some thing, to try something, to explore sub /dom for gods sake dont hint !

Tell him ! but you can do this subtly

It maybe that realy he wants to be the sub ! but it to shy scared and nervous to tell you or he is nervous and doesnt know how to be dominant

As almost everyone has said comunication is they key !

(Just saw your last post ! looks like things may be on the up good luck !)

how great :)

Its hard to introduce something to a replationship that may be alien to the other person

but as many have said its communication too

a lot of people hear or see the words BDSM and get very worried but it has so many aspects that there is usually something for most

Hope all stays on track for you , im sure it will :)