I think "cheating" means different things to different people. I suppose anything which unconsensually transgresses an existing agreement is cheating.
So cheating to you can be a kiss, Allevi, and cheating to me is lying about going bowling instead of the supermarket. Both transgress agreements.
Im talking about cheating in a general sense. The universal non-discussed rules that exist between two people. Of course if you sit down and talk about whats allowed and whats not then your playing by different rules. I dont think your analogy really works lubyanka as its something you wouldnt end a relationship over. Its a blunt knife. A simple "dont lie to me again" would be enough. If its continous then its over. Whereas a kiss, in my book is an utter betrayal, something that would wound me. Something unforgivable
you'd dump someone if they continued to go bowling when the told you they were in the supermarket? What if they are really bad at bowling and want to practice in secret?
Allevi wrote:
Im talking about cheating in a general sense. The universal non-discussed rules that exist between two people. Of course if you sit down and talk about whats allowed and whats not then your playing by different rules.
Well, for me, I don't have any rules I consider "non-discussed", because I personally have a thing about not being able to read minds and not expecting others to be able to read mine, so I like to say everything out loud so we all know what's going on.
I don't consider those rules "different", except in the sense that all individuals differ.
Allevi wrote:
I dont think your analogy really works lubyanka as its something you wouldnt end a relationship over. Its a blunt knife. A simple "dont lie to me again" would be enough. If its continous then its over. Whereas a kiss, in my book is an utter betrayal, something that would wound me. Something unforgivable
Slave Malcom wrote:
you'd dump someone if they continued to go bowling when the told you they were in the supermarket? What if they are really bad at bowling and want to practice in secret? External Media
Yes, if a partner persistently lied to me, especially after I explicitly specified lying as a deal breaker for me, yes, I'd dump them. I really don't care what the lie is. If they wanted to practice bowling in secret, then they can tell me that they're doing something in secret and can I leave it alone until they tell me. There's no need to lie about that.
In my world, a kiss is fine, I don't feel betrayed or hurt or even affected in any way, except to hope that my partner enjoyed it. :) Whereas a lie is an utter betrayal to me and completely unacceptable. I cannot tolerate having my trust abused by lies. So my analogy works for me.
Lubyanka wrote:
animal wrote:
itz like a 1000 word essay so bloody depressing
Hello animal,
If you find long posts depressing, then you might want to consider choosing to always skip my posts, because they are often long. You might want to consider trimming your quotes too, so that you yourself don't make such long posts for others.
lmoa, hello 2 u Lubyanka, ur so right, i'm sorry if i upset u it unintentional.lolExternal Media
Not at all, I wasn't upset in the slightest, just wondered why you bothered reading it, heheh.
Thank you animal. :)
*hugs Lubyanka* :)
Oh, and another thing about the lying - If a person lies to me about something, then I just can't rely on them to be truthful because I can't possibly know what's true and what isn't.
I've found that lies are never lonely - they live in large communities and congregate together in groups. One lie is never the end of it, in my experience. Besides, I don't think it's necessary to tell lies in order to keep certain things private or secret.
Awww, hello Morbidia. :)
Hey Lubyanka, how you doing? :)
Sorry, been busy with multitasking the new blog and making dinner. :)
Lubyanka wrote:
Not at all, I wasn't upset in the slightest, just wondered why you bothered reading it, heheh.
Thank you animal. :)
i'm glad.
ur welcome:)
Hey all:)Luby thanks for your advice hun-I just never sure what is a lie or when he telling truth anymore.Need to work on my issues then ours I think.I have ridiculously low self esteem-partly from my past-usual lying ,cheating, violent exes, and partly cos I have bi-polar which makes me think very negatively most of the time.Sound a great catch eh??!!I have3children from 2other men so guess I kind of feel grateful that anyone would have me, especially someone who seemed so lovely initially.Got married quick cos he in the forces and just after I said 'I do' I started to find out his lies.Now question everything which is tedious for us both.Would love to have open relationship cos I know I could have sex with someone and never want them more than my hubby but it'd hurt me so badly to see my hubby with someone else-I find it painful just to see him looking lustfully at another woman or flirting with my mates!Anyone else get hurt by that?Or I just a fruitcake??!!
so, what i wanna know..has anyone here cheated? in any sense that they believe qualifies?
Hi Sunny dawn
I think I am the opposite...can't trust anyone so don't go out with anyone for fear of them eventually fucking me over.
And if someone is interested then i wonder what's wrong with them? why would they like me???
Am trying to get over this...
Think we could do with a counsellor on here!! Though Lubyanka does an admirable job!
red_queen wrote:
And if someone is interested then i wonder what's wrong with them? why would they like me???
Am trying to get over this...
Heh, yes, this is another flavour of that old Groucho Marx line about how he would never belong to any club that would have him as a member.
Yes, you're vile, nobody likes you, and you're only good for serving pickled herring so shoosh and go get some more and serve it. And get some pickled red cabbage whilst you're at it. And top up my drink. And how about a few carrots. And an egg roll. And hand me that typewriter, will you?
.
red_queen wrote:
Think we could do with a counsellor on here!! Though Lubyanka does an admirable job!
Aww, thank you! :) I take back everything I said about the herring. :)
(I did really want the egg roll though)
lacookie wrote:
so, what i wanna know..has anyone here cheated? in any sense that they believe qualifies?
I've cheated, sort of. I used to have a thing about married men, because I really didn't want to feel tied down or restricted in a relationship. I felt that married men were perfect because they were never in a position to enforce my exclusivity with them. So the situation with that was me being single and them being married.
I did (and do) feel that even though I was single, I was enabling others to cheat, so I did participate in cheating. I've since clarified my boundaries and ethics in that area, so I can do relationships with more integrity now. The last time I cheated like that was well over 7 years ago.
One other thing - I told my partner kvetch before we met in person that my hair came down to my bum. Then shortly before we met for the first time, I got a trim which was much more than I'd asked for, and my hair only reached around my waist. It took over a year for that to grow back, and kvetch has teased me occasionally about my massive betrayal by deceiving him about the length of my hair. However, my hair has since grown back and it is now down to my bum again.
I should probably point out that kvetch doesn't really regard this as cheating. :p
I cheated after my ex put me down, spoke to me like shit, had suspicions he was cheating on me and he was abusive physically, emotionally, verbally and mentally.I should have had the guts to leave him without cheatung but I didn't.The guy I cheated with was my best friends husband who I now see was just using me-I guess I thought I loved him and forgot how much I loved my friend.I hate myself still for the pain I caused my friend and her family.I was a messed up bitch and I know now that you can never trust anyone, not even yourself.I am alot less judgemental than I used to be.I hated cheats as I had been hurt sooooo many times by exes yet I became them.I can honestly put my hand on heart and say I think I will never cheat on my husband and I mean that but things change dont they.I know now the hurt isn't worth it and the buzz dies fast but who knows what the future holds.The marriage course we did through church(I not religious)was fab for new couples and married -Ihighly recommend it-The Marriage course-by Sybil and someone -Rob Parsons books fab too if you can ignore the relgious rants every so often!
I class cheating, as many others have said, as anything from a kiss onwards.
I always wondered what I would do if I found myself in that situation, as being at uni, my BF goes out weekly with the lads in his team and gets pretty drunk. I know the girls in the team are very easy and wondered what I would do if I found out he'd kissed one of them drunkenly.
A few weeks ago I dreampt of this situation, I saw him kissing another girl in my dream and was heartbroken and angry. I know it was a dream but even thinking about it now stirs up emotions that I know I wouldn't be able to forget if the situation had been real. I woke him up, gave him a slap poor fellow, and then kissed it better after telling him my dream. He didn't mind being woken up after that.
I would be insufferably angry if I found out he'd slept with someone else, and I would be seeking ways to hurt him as much as I could. There would be no way I'd stay, even after 2 and a half years together.
There are too many good men out there looking for a woman, without staying with the horrid ones because you feel you have to/ because they manipulate you to stay.
These are my own personal views, I do not judge others for their opinions, in fact it's been very interesting reading other responses here. Each to their own and in the majority, people seem very happy. But interesting topic raised.
The pain I felt when I was cheated on over and over is something I still can't forget.It is easier to forgive but to be able to erase that hurt, I have found , is impossible.It has come with me into every new relationship and has destroyed them.I can feel the pain so raw, it is grief and although grief does get less painful it is always there and sights, smells, phrases all trigger that hurt gain.If anyone has any ideas on how to overcome jealousy I would be more than grateful!!Thanks
