Why do I feel so bad about myself after sex?

Sex Tips & Talk
1

I guess it's my confidence sort of thing. I always feel like I have a lot of responsibility and yet I've had sex with a woman who I've known for a couple of months. It's just that I crave a more slow-building romantic relationship and yet we've gone ahead and had sex without even going out on a date or whatever normal way it is for teenage adults (going by the fact we're 18 and 19, therefore technically still a 'teen') to start their relationship.

The first time, basically what happened was that I caressed her breasts (though I'm not a stereotypical male that goes for the breasts straight away), then she gave me a hand and blowjob. Then when I got back to my flat, I felt so vile about myself and cried a lot at that point because I don't know how I feel about her. I like her, but I wouldn't consider that I love her since I barely even know her.

And last night, I felt certain I wouldn't do it again, but I guess that doesn't happen in real life. She was the one that was urging me to go on and she guided my hand onto her vagina and I ended up fingering her. I'm not exactly sure how many times she reached orgasm as I expected her to squirt, which never happened. Right now I feel tired and I still feel terrible that I couldn't control myself. I think it's because I'm simply living in the moment. I was happy when I was with her and I just couldn't tear myself from her, but I did in the end because of the lectures today.

I'm just not sure what to do at this point because it's going to be happening again and again, and I don't want to feel bad about doing it. Maybe it's because I simply have automatic negative thoughts about things and take the whole slow-building relationships as gospel. I don't know.

Look at me trying to answer my own problems...

2

I'm guessing it's intimacy you're seeking, and you've built up an idealised view of the romantic relationship you desire, and all of a sudden these things are happening out of nowhere and it's leaving you feeling empty and confused.

I suppose my advice would be to avoid situations in future where you can have sex with her; invite her to meet in public places, do date type activities together, get to know her and see if there's actually something you like about her beyond the physical, which makes you want to pursue a relationship with her.

Right now you're mostly in that casual sex / fuck buddy territory, which clearly isn't what you're after, so you need to put the brakes on that and reestablish it as something else, or just abandon it all together if she wasn't looking for anything more to begin with.

It's quite likely a matter of age and experience - or lack thereof - you need to become attuned to your feelings, and experiences like this will help with that in the long run, so try not to get too upset and just learn from it all.

3

Hey, Ginge.

Sorry you're feeling so down.

First, let me say - Don't Panic! You're a human being, with hormones, and so is she.

You're both having sex that you enjoy, and that's great. You want other things as well, and that's not happening, which is not so great, but at least that can be worked on.

Have you tried talking to her about what you want from a relationship? Perhaps she will welcome the additional layers of intimacy and relationship that come with that, perhaps that's not what she's looking for either.

Either way, and not wishing to sound patronising at all, you're both still very young. You'll both have lots of time to experiment with relationships and figure out what feels right. And what's right with one person at one time may be very wrong with another, or when you have grown a bit.

For what it's worth, I'd say - Just enjoy this for what it is. I know you'd like to take things further beyond the physical stuff, but that's not necessarily the same as taking things too fast.

A wise lady once said to me; "There's Love, and Sex, and Friendship. Too many people confuse the three."

You don't have to be in love with someone to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with them. You don't even have to like them that much, but obviously it's better when two or three of those things come together.

I think you need to talk to her about what form your relationship is going to take, but only because you need to both be aware of what the other is thinking. You could tell her you feel guilty after sex, but try to work out what it is you feel guilty about. It's probably useless to just say "sex with you makes me feel bad" - worse than useless, in fact!

As long as you're not pressuring her, or vice versa, it sounds like you're just having sex. Which is OK, really it is. Just make sure it's safe, of course.

If you really feel that you need a slow-building relationship, perhaps that's something that will develop naturally later. But it's good that you're at least questioning your own assumptions about what makes a relationship, and what form it has to take.

Best of luck working it out, and don't fret about it so much that you miss all the great sex you're having!

MrMr

4

I cabn't really add much to the great advice above but perhaps she's feeling a little like you are too. Both of you are young and (by the sound of what you've written) inexperienced and maybe she feels or thinks this is what's expected, that sex is the first step in a realationship rather than one (for some) that is something that you build up to.

You need to talk and establish what you both want out of the relationship, that way if she just wants sex then at leats you know where you stand. You can decide if it's okay or if you want to find someone who will fullfill your emotional needs as well. Perhaps in the future, as MM says, there's the chance of a deeper relationship.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel close to someone so please don't feel down about it. I wouldn't be able to have sex with someone unless I cared about them, as I'm sure many other' son here would agree, but you need to do what's right for you. Talk to her and see where it goes. You never know, talking could actually bring about the intimacy you crave.

5

Hello,

I can understand the feeling you are going through. I hope the talks you have to do will go well. I think MM did give a very good advice.

And yes, there is hoping it will go deeper. If you both are interested. Sometimes the feelings can change, even for friends or just casual lovers. Me and my partner started out as friends with benefits and now we are together and been through rough times so we know we do care very deeply for each other. But it did take time and especially beginnings were bit hard.

Best of luck.

6

Thanks for all the advice. I have been thinking so much about what I could do and all I've come up with is to tell her that I feel guilty with what's happened between us.

To tell the truth, I didn't feel so bad the second time round, but I did still feel terrible after it. I just realised that I felt that I couldn't stop it from happening and so went with the flow. Neither of us is pressuring the other to go ahead, but I suppode that she was urging me to go on by moving my hand towards her vagina and moving on top of me.

The thing is: I don't even know what she thinks about me compared to other people, and I have no clue whatsoever what our relationship would be termed as.

And Monster, you're not patronising at all. That's pretty much why I wouldn't form a relationship with friends or suchlike and just rush everything. In a way, I'm just waiting for the right one - who I feel is the right one. I don't know about this woman, though. And assuming that I live until I'm 70, it's a damned long time having 50 years together which could end up putting a strain on the relationship as what happens and I don't really want to happen.

Incendiaire, that's a good idea. Basically, we only really know each other through the lectures we have. I just didn't expect a relationship of some - any - sort to just appear like that. So I have absolutely no clue at all how to go about the boyfriend-girlfriend reationship if that's what it could be called.

Anywho, I'll think about it some more. I have a few days where I'm getting away from the whole university thing. A good time as well, I think.

7

I suggest that over the few days distanced you think about what you *want* from this relationship or liason, what you *expect* from this, and whether you want to pursue it and see what you can make together or whether you would rather put it on hold/ end it and make yourself available to other potential partners who may have more similar ideas and expectations. Either way you both need to have a serious talk together- if you expect intimacy, you need to be able to talk about what you're doing. Tell her what you are feeling, ask her how she sees the 'relationship', and please, *please* ask whether she is 'experienced' as you mention thinking about being compared. She sounds either super-sexually confident, or new to sexual activity and unsure as to what to do. When you discuss relationship and sex, do so outside the bedroom so that neither of you feel threatened or at your most insecure/ vulnerable.

I met my (now) husband the month I turned 18, and we did it in the friendship and intimacy progressing to a physical relationship, and I can't tell you when the love kicked in, it just did. People make mistakes, and yes, you can also make sexual mistakes even if it's safe. Some people want more from sex, others are content with the basic physical relief version, if you decide that for now this is not the right thing for you that is not a failure for you or the woman involved. She will not pine for long if you are straight with her now. She deserves honesty as you do so that if you do not both seek the same thing she can be available and free to pursue someone who does. Hope you figure things out soon xx

8

Thank you Rowan. I'll have a very serious think about it as it's what's really needed at this point. She does seem sexually confident which kinda makes me think that she might've done it with other people, but I really don't know about that and I don't quite know how I'd react if she is that sort of person considering that I feel inferior and unwanted a lot of the time. The thing is that she seems to want to spend time with me rather than other people. She has, after all, invited me to her room a few times - two of which ended up with us having a form of sex together.

Oh, well... I'll think about it...

9

I'm very curious to know what the reason is for you being so upset about what occurred between the two of you. I don't intend that to be a patronizing sentence, I am genuinely curious and not quite sure how to word it!

Do you strongly believe that sex/physical intimacy should occur only between two people who love each other? Is that something YOU believe - something you have thought about, contemplated and come to a decision about - or is it something that you were told you had to believe and simply something you accepted? Either is totally okay, but it's important there is a distinction made there. Too many times I have met people who have been conflicted because what they felt was different to what they were told they were allowed or supposed to feel.

Personally (and I'm saying this as a completely monogamous person who has only ever been with her partner of 6+ years), I believe it's okay to be sexually intimate with someone you don't love. Or even someone you've just met. As long as you are both attracted, and both safe, and both emotionally okay with it. To me there is something very romantic about giving in to sexual desire, such occasions often become some of the best memories of one's life (although those harmless situations too often become the subject of much overanalyzing, guilt and confusion when someone hasn't worked out their feelings on the issue). It can be rare to meet someone who inspires such passion and chemistry. I think that sex and love CAN be exclusive, and I think that it's okay for them to be exclusive. I think that a lot of heartache comes from unneccesary guilt - if you wanted that closeness, and they wanted it, and you became intimate - what exactly is wrong with that? Why is a night of indulged desires (or a day, or a few days, or months or a lifetime) a bad thing? Are you hurting anyone? No? Then what makes it bad? It feels good right? When something feels good, and it doesn't hurt anyone... I simply cannot comprehend why it's a bad thing. The only issues I see arising are when one person has zero intention to enter into a relationship with that person and intentionally conceals that from said person - that is called an abuse of trust, and it's not okay. But if two people are honest about their feelings - even if those feelings are confusion - I don't see what the problem is.

Anyway, that is just MY perspective. I think sex with the person you love is the greatest, but I think it's also a different animal. Sex with someone you lust after is a wonderful experience too. Again, in my perspective. Perhaps you have thought about the issue and indeed think that only sex between two people who love each other is acceptable. I think that's a more than valid perspective also. However I'm not the one to coach you about feelings if that's the case, I'll have to leave that to my more competent LH buddies ;)

I just wanted to make sure you're not feeling guilty over a perspective that was drilled into you by someone else rather than a decision about the subject you made yourself. Because sometimes we have opinions about things without realizing they're not our opinions but ones we grew up being told we had to have.

I've never forgotten that slavery was thought acceptable once upon a time. That children grew up thinking people with dark skin were less than human because that's what they were told to believe. With that thought in mind, I challenge everything I was ever told or taught. Sometimes I agree with what I was raised to believe, but sometimes I am surprised.

Anyway, here is me, doublechecking :) I hope you find peace of mind soon!

10

Don't worry about it, Sia.

It's my own personal view that I should only have sex with someone I love rather than anyone I hardly know. I know people have differing views on sex and that's absolutely fine, but this is what I want. I tend to think that sex is rather overrated, but that's me thinking about when teenagers seemingly strive for having sex. I know that's me just being overly negative about things.

Much of the problem is that I don't feel much towards the woman. I care about her, but I don't love her. I don't want to hurt her in any way, and I guess that's what I fear. I don't know how she feels about me, so I just don't know what I'm supposed to do other than get her to tell me herself. If she views our relatioship as us being 'fuck buddies', then I just don't think I could actually continue that relationship as I strive for my view of romance. I guess it's because it's seen as normal that a couple should have a slow-building relationship and don't rush for having sex.

11

I'm afraid I don't know what the answer is, but I just wanted to say that you're not alone...

My Husband left a few months ago. We'd been together the best part of a decade and he was my only partner. Despite our inbalance of sex drive (mine high, his fairly low) which became more apparent towards the end, I was always faithful and sex and intimacy was really something that I could only see happening out of love.

My view on sex was that I waited for 'The One' and though as a teen I enjoyed lots of sexual things, I only ever did this with serious boyfriends and never took it 'all the way' because I was waiting for the man I was going to marry.

Having been somewhat sexually frustrated prior to his shock depature, once my emotions had settled down slightly, I was craving sex quite badly.

I also felt like my determination to stick to my values of waiting for 'The One' wasn't all I had hoped it would be, and was curious to see what else was out there, which is quite a flipant thing to say, but I'm just being honest, having been with the same man for so long.

I don't know if it was wrong or right, but a good friend was happy to help me out in that department - at the time I thought it was great because I specifically didn't/don't want a relationship, but I did want sex with someone who I trust and enjoy the company of.

We've never been on a date either, but hang out regularly at my house. Sex was amazing, better than anything I've ever experienced before. But 'playing it cool' now is a little wierd, because I feel like I should be holding his hand when we're out or something, like, I find it wierd just reverting back to being friends after.

Because the idea of sex outside of love is so alien to me, I feel exactly the same way as you describe, just feel crap, like I've let myself down for sleeping with someone I don't love. Then there's another side to me that says 'bloody hell, I'll have some more of that please' and so I go for it, only to find I feel wierd afterwards again.

I think I shouldn't feel bad for thoroughly enjoying myself, but yet I do...

I suppose I've not been much help, but as I said, you're not alone! For what it's worth, your honesty and emotion is refreshing, and I hope you're feeling happier again soon.

12

You've actually been a great help, Carousel. My best friend mentioned that I shouldn't worry about it and that it is at the very least an experience of sex. Perhaps I should just stop worrying, which is what I thought on the second time round as I just knew I couldn't pull myself out. I do, however, seem to feel that I want it to go a little further but that was because I was simply living in the moment and feeling comfort. Afterwards, however....

I'm sorry about your husband leaving you. I wouldn't know exactly how you'll be feeling, but I know it would've been a terrible and difficult moment.

For now, I think simply asking her how she feels about me would be a good start for me so that I at least know her on that level.

13

Ginger Ninja Minge wrote:

Don't worry about it, Sia.

It's my own personal view that I should only have sex with someone I love rather than anyone I hardly know. I know people have differing views on sex and that's absolutely fine, but this is what I want. I tend to think that sex is rather overrated, but that's me thinking about when teenagers seemingly strive for having sex. I know that's me just being overly negative about things.

Much of the problem is that I don't feel much towards the woman. I care about her, but I don't love her. I don't want to hurt her in any way, and I guess that's what I fear. I don't know how she feels about me, so I just don't know what I'm supposed to do other than get her to tell me herself. If she views our relatioship as us being 'fuck buddies', then I just don't think I could actually continue that relationship as I strive for my view of romance. I guess it's because it's seen as normal that a couple should have a slow-building relationship and don't rush for having sex.

You are a great old fashion guy in your beliefs!

Don't let peer pressure and society mould you in whatever way happens to be acceptable today! Although people like you are thought of archaic by some, let me tell you that not only you are not alone, but more and more youngsters realise that 'sex is overrated' and that it is 'normal for a couple to have a slow-building relationship and don't rush for having sex'.

Ultimately, it is imprortant how you feel and if having sex with her causes guilty feelings, I wouldn't advise you to advance against your own morals.

As far as your relationships goes, obviously it is a matter for your to decide, but as other suggeted, open communication with your girl should help. Why does she feel that sex is ok? She might fight some inferiority compelex trying to improve her self-esteem or even to have something to boast about to her girlfriends. Or she may be genuinly in love with your, feeling in a way she'd never felt before and sex is her way to say 'I 'm yours , that's why I have given you all', in which case she should have no problems in slowing down a bit so you can catch up with her.

14

Jo wrote:

Ginger Ninja Minge wrote:

It's my own personal view that I should only have sex with someone I love rather than anyone I hardly know.


You are a great old fashion guy in your beliefs!

Don't let peer pressure and society mould you in whatever way happens to be acceptable today! Although people like you are thought of archaic by some, let me tell you that not only you are not alone

Ginger, hope I've got this right, but basically, you've had some physical experience together, but you haven't gone all the way yet?

Have to say that I was really similar when I was younger, and have to agree with Jo, you're not alone.

When I was about 19 I had what I suppose was kind of a fuck buddy, a friend from college who I met a couple of times for some fun, but we never went the whole way either. I've never wanted to do things with someone I don't know, and although she was someone I'd been friends with for a while, while I wouldn't say I regretted anything, it didn't seem what I thought it could be.

After that, I admit I went through a lot of lonliness and I did find things tough. It wasn't until I was 25 when I lost my virginity, but am glad that I took my time and waited for someone I love. We had been good friends for about two years, and we had been going for about three months when it happened, and I can honestly say I'm glad we waited. I say we waited, part of the reason I'm glad to have done it with someone I love, and who loves me, was that she was completely understanding, didn't pressure me, but helped introduce me to things slowly and made sure I was always comfortable.

We've been together about 18 months now, and despite being long distance, are still happy together, and I believe that part of that is because we didn't rush into anything.

So basically, you're not the only one, and as long as you can learn from experiences, there aren't really any mistakes. Whether it's with her, or someone else, hope it all turns out right in the end.

15

Thanks. I came straight with her and said that I feel guilty for having sex with her (yes Shaft, I haven't technically lost my virginity yet, but it is arguable that I have). She confided in me that she was doing what she felt she should be doing, which is to just go and have sex with me. She has, after all, been brought up friends who are chavs and that's basically what they do: the males have sex with as many girls as possible and then spend more time with a certain girl they like most.

In her own words, she said, 'I do like you quite a bit'. She also said she wanted it to be casual because in her experience, men don't usually stick to the first one they do it with.

I do feel a lot better at the moment because she's really understanding and to be honest, I do like her more because of her not trying to pressure me into doing anything I don't want to.

16

Ginger Ninja Minge wrote:

I do feel a lot better at the moment because she's really understanding and to be honest, I do like her more because of her not trying to pressure me into doing anything I don't want to.

Glad to hear it :D

17

t's my own personal view that I should only have sex with someone I love rather than anyone I hardly know. I know people have differing views on sex and that's absolutely fine, but this is what I want. I tend to think that sex is rather overrated, but that's me thinking about when teenagers seemingly strive for having sex. I know that's me just being overly negative about things.

This is different for everybody. Sexual attraction happens at various levels, in the brain, the pheromes we give off and personal libido to name but a view.

If you find your personal beliefs are getting in the way, you can either abide by them or start questioning them. In this case I don't think there is really an ethical problem. She is willing and you desire. So why not? You are causing no harm to anybody if you have sex. In fact you are fulfilling your biological imperatives.

It's different if you take somebody by force or somebody who cannot properly take part in consensual sex.

Sex is not something that is right or wrong in itself. Nearly all of us are born with the ability to have sex. Also it's not unusual to feel sadness after sex. But feeling self disgust is counterproductive and indicative of your conflicted feelings e.g. desire <> moral beliefs

You are a sensitive person, and perhaps you are thinking too much, rather than letting your instincts guide you.

May I add that many people fall in love after having sex rather than before!

18

Pleased to hear you were able to talk to her and hopefully this has eased your worries somewhat.

Whilst I agree that you shouldn't feel pressured into doing anything, I would also add after my recent experience that waiting for 'the one' MAY not be all it's cracked up to be for some people.

Before meeting my (ex)Husband, I was so determind to wait for sex that I now feel I MAY have missed some wonderful experiences. I don't exactly regret waiting, but I don't think for me it was worth getting hung up over...

I agree with Atlanta, prehaps you (and me, seperately of course!) are thinking about it too much...!