Hi All,
I have a situation with my wife were she won't wear lingerie for me. It's odd to explain but I'll try to be brief.
1) She knows I have a think a thing for stockings and suspenders or holdups, and lingerie in general.
2) She does wear them sometimes...in the last 6 months shes worn lingerie 5 times, of which 4 she wore stockings and suspenders.
3) She wears hold ups all the time to work, but takes them off as soon as she gets home.
4) She has a few sexy push up bra and pant sets, she often wears these to work, but takes them off before we get into bed, even though she knows I would like her to keep them on.
The odd thing is, she will take sexy underwear off before getting into bed and then try it on with me, so I feel like she knows what I like sexually she just doesn't want to please me.
Is it possible she feels a bit insecure like I make her feel like I don't find her attractive without lingerie?!?
She claims she likes wearing it and it makes her feel sexy, and we even took a few photos which she says look great. I feel very confussed by the whole thing.
Anyone experience anything similar?
Thanks in advance,
Jonny
have you talked to her about it? you should proberly sit down and have a honest talk together, there is proberly a very simple reason why she acts that way ya know.
She doesn't really like talking about sex in any way. so yes I have and she will just give yes/no answers but on the main just sit silently, it does make resolving issues difficult, but she's always been that way. To be honest she won't talk about any relationship issues, I think she would rather ignore them and hope they go away.
It's got to be difficult when she can't or won't talk to you about this, it is something that you could do with finding out. If there's an explanation as to why she wont wear it to tempt you then it's something you can work on or say okay I understand and let it go.
Is it perhaps a comfort thing? I know that sexy underwear can look great but wearing it can be uncomfortable and restrictive. Maybe she doesn't like the feel of it when you're being intimate. Either way it's something that would help if you could get her to talk. I don't know what you could do to make her talk apart from trying to put her at ease and saying "I'm not being pushy but can you tell me why you don't like wearing sexy stuff for me?" Or words to that effect. Perhaps she doesn't realise how important it is for you.... have you told her?
Maybe you could offer to wear something for her in return. Ask if there's any type of underwear or clothing you could wear that would turn her on. Uniforms, nice undies or silky boxers spring to mind. Maybe you wearing them might encourage her. That's assuming you haven't already tried this.
If she's up for it, how about going out undie shopping together. Each of you choose an outfit for one another and model it when you get home. Don't get anything too way out in case it's a confidence problem she has. What about long, lacey, floaty night gowns with matching robe, still sexy but covers any bits she feels unhappy about. Make a night of it, good food, wine, music, candles (soft lighting compliments anyone) etc. Play a game, something like Monogamy.
All the best.
Perhaps she sees them as work clothes and just doesn't feel sexy in them.
Are there any other types of lingerie she might ware? Babydolls, chemises, corsets, cami sets etc. Something both of you would find sexy.
sharry, some great ideas there.
I love my OH picking out my lingerie, he picks things I would never choose so it´s interesting to see how our tastes can differ.
yes my oh allways asks me when she gets home what do i think she gives me, a fashion show which is allways abig turn on ,and i allways return the favour too when i get soem nice undies,it works both ways i feel
Thanks guys, it is difficult, I don't think its a comfort thing, I bought her some thigh high boots, she loved the look of them, but complain instantly that they wasn't too comfortable, we swapped them for some she liked, but again she has wore these twice in 4 months.
Some things I have tried, I offer to wear anything she likes and have even tried suggesting things to see if she likes it, she bought me underwear she liked (boxers) as she didn't like my old underwear, so I only wear the ones she likes now. Again, she doesn't really like to talk about this.
We have Monogamy, played it once, she seemed to like it, and she won! Then said she was tired and wanted to go sleep, so I'm not sure she was that into it. I've bought a wide range of different types of lingerie:
1) A couple of bra and pants and stockings set, worn a few times for me, but not once outside the bedroom.
2) Corset, as she said she always wanted one, bought over a month ago never worn.
3) A few role play outfits worn a couple of times.
4) Chemises which she does wear as night wear sometimes, but not if she wants sex, she will take it straight off most of the time.
5) Some sexy push up bra sets, she wears these all the time, but again takes them off before sex.
I just find it a bit weird...I'm currently trying to find the right opportunity to shop for something together, can be difficult though as we have a 1 1/2 year old, so I don't really think we can just wander into most lingerie stores that easily!
My wife can be a bit strange though, what seems to put most people in the mood sends her to sleep, she hates foreplay (some wine will make her want a nap) and would rather just skip it altogether, often commenting I enjoy the build up and all but I just want to get straight to the good stuff, why waste time!
Jonny, are you me? Seriously seeing some reflections here.
Jonny, was she always so reticent about wearing lingerie, or has it worsened , I see you say you have a small child, I know when I had my two I felt very down and unattractive. You seem like a very loving patient man, she is lucky.
Ha, maybe I have a split personality...or should I say we? Glad it's not just my wife!!
The worst thing she ever says to me is things like women just aint like that, for example on the suggestion of many websites (and the lovehoney forums) I spent the day woo-ing her and trying to turn her on...by 10:30am she was horny as hell and said she wanted me now, I said no you'll have to wait until tonight... to which she said, 'women aint like that, it's now or not at all I won't be horny later' well I gave in....but maybe I shouldn't have, but she would have probably just went into a mood if I hadn't.
Miss Behaviour, well thats a little compex, she never used to ever!! But we used to be a lot more spontanious, so we would often strip off each others clothes which I found a real turn on, the other thing was she used to give me oral all the time which is another big turn on for me (well and every guy I guess!) this just all stopped once she was pregnant which I totally get, then after she gave birth things were back to normal for around 2-3 months, then she lost interest in sex, we had sex 3 times in 6 months. Earlier this year I sat her down and said I want our sex life to improve I would like to have sex at least 3 times a week and on one of those occasions I would like you too wear something sexy, at the time she was really up for it, but it only really last a couple of months, she asked me to do some things for her, change my hairstyle to the one I had when we was married etc. I tried to make one of those times a week something special for her too, I'd run a bath, put rose petals on the bed, give her a nice massage, tie her up and force her to enjoy some foreplay, but she lost interest. Sometimes I think my wife just wants to sit back and enjoy life, and figures she puts effort into her work life why should she put effort into her relationship...but now I'm ranting, what I really need is a horny drug!! Oh by the way, we do still have sex 2-3 times a week, but it's pretty basic stuff these days (apart from maybe once every couple of months when we seem to have pretty increadible sex)
whether she wants to or not you need two needs to sit down and talk, cos this sounds like a relationship killer to me /shrug.
Do you think she could be suffering from post natal depression? It can take a while to build, believe me, I know what I am talking about. Loss of libido/self confidence are classic signs
And yes, what mrbumps said, you really do need to talk
Miss Behaviour wrote:
Do you think she could be suffering from post natal depression? It can take a while to build, believe me, I know what I am talking about. Loss of libido/self confidence are classic signs
And yes, what mrbumps said, you really do need to talk
eck! i said something right! thats rare i can tell ya
i wish you luck buddy, it sounds like your both having problems for different reasons the way youe explained things
a talk is good idea perhaps she 's a bit coy or post natal you need to chat it over guys good luck
I know...we've been together 10 years and sitting down and talking just ain't her thing, but I will continue to try, she knows it is a problem. Confidence is not an issue, we went to a wedding recently and she was flirting around a lot which doesn't bother me too much, but does say to me she knows she's got it. Libido, was definetly due to being on the pill I think, she stopped taking it in January, and her sex drive has returned. Depression, well I do get her to talk about somethings, she is very happy, but she knows I'm not.
The rule with my OH is simple if there is a problem she refusses to discuss it, but if there is no problem, or it's just an annoyance (like leaving the toilet seat up) she's happy too discuss it. Friday night I introduced a sex toy to her for the first time (she had always said she didn't see the point), I put on a couples porno (our first one together) and then used the toy on her, she loved it, I may try building our relationship in other areas and hoping if I can put some spark back into our sex life she will be more open to discus things, maybe I should try and introduce porno sex toy friday!
Miss Behaviour may be right, sounds like she's unhappy about something.
All you can do is keep trying to connect with her.
Weird question... is she any better/different when you're away on holiday? Somewhere she doesn't have the 'reminder' of her everyday life?
All the best to you both.
As a rule my wife does not have sex on holiday...never given me a reason. although we was just away for a couple of weeks and did it 3 times, again though even though she was wearing some sexy underwear and a sexy dress she took those all off before wanting to get down to it.
I think there may be something post natal going on, another problem is, does she work, take care of the child and do you divide house work between you 2 or is she doing all that? Because if I was working, taking care of the kid and also going round the regular daily house choirs I think I would soon loose interest in sex, as bed would be far more appealing than my partner. And no wooing would bring the sex appettite back. I am not saying that is what is going on in your house, but thats what I saw in few families round me.