when is was 16-18 i dated allot of underage girls (by uk standards. age of consent in that prefecture was 14), at the time it was considered pretty normal where i was (japan). it was cool, they were cool but there did come a time when i just didnt have anything in common anymore.
so i found in my 20s i wanted partners in my own age range i could relate too. i wouldnt rule out dating someone a lil younger or older than me but i do like the fact me and my OH can reminisce about cartoons from our generation
and i have to admit to seeing young women with older men and think how gross it is lol /shrug
Well. I have 12 years old partner and the first thing my friends told me after admiting it was something: you would never fit with a guy of the same age, as you have always been too mature for them. I think I was always more serious than others, after what I was through earlier in my life. And I do find most men of my age still very immature (most, not all!). I am actually finding out that older men can be more mature, so I feel more secure, as I have pretty bad experience of guys round my age (and slightly older). Also the additional experience is a huge bonus for me, as I feel I can better rely on him in many ways. And he seems to be more reliable and knows better what he wants in life than guys of my age.
mrbumps wrote:
and i have to admit to seeing young women with older men and think how gross it is lol /shrug
Gross? and what you consider gross? 5 years? 10 years? To be honest I look 17-18, 20 at best or so I am constantly told, while I am almost 25, and my OH looks his age, so we do look more apart than we are. Looks are deceiving. Also if they are happy, they are happy and thats the most important thing in life.
and i have to admit to seeing young women with older men and think how gross it is lol /shrug
Often it's important to give your opinion in a more diplomatic/less offensive way. Telling people who may be in a relationship with an older man that you think it's gross is bound to upset them. You can word it more tactfully than that and stress that it's your opinion
Myself and my OH don't have an age gap - well 1 year so not worth mentioning lol
Other people having an age gap doesn't bother me - I'll admit I do sometimes look at couples that clearly have a large age gap (I'm thinking 20 yr old with perhaps a 45 yr old for example) and I wonder how the dynamics work but it doesn't bother me, I just wonder how they got together and what makes them "work".
The only "age gap" relationships that "bother" me (and I use that world loosely) is the gold digger types. Young 20yr old with a 65yr old thats loaded. Don't get me wrong they both must get something out of the relationship (sex/money/companionship/stability) but I do wonder if the 'poorer' person is just gold-digging. But to be honest, these relationships are Hollywood style relationships (think Hugh Hefner) so I don't let it bother me that much!!
didnt mean to offend. forgive me. i have aspergers and sometimes i say things in a very blunt way. for me the world is black and white, so when i make a decision there are no emotions or taking into account anyone else i just go with the most logical choice. i could of put it in a more diplomatic way.
i just cant see how that would work. if it works for you fantastic but i just cant get my head around it in the same way i cant get my head around multidimensional quantum mechanics no matter how much I pretend to my OH that its so simple lol
didnt mean to offend. forgive me. i have aspergers and sometimes i say things in a very blunt way. for me the world is black and white, so when i make a decision there are no emotions or taking into account anyone else i just go with the most logical choice. i could of put it in a more diplomatic way.
i just cant see how that would work. if it works for you fantastic but i just cant get my head around it in the same way i cant get my head around multidimensional quantum mechanics no matter how much I pretend to my OH that its so simple lol
That's fine :) it's just something to be aware of - especially on a sex related forum which can require extra sensitivity as it's something people can feel especially shy about revealing.
For the most part you won't get "told off" for saying something that might upset someone but you will get the odd reminder to try to word things carefully - as long as it's clear from your response that you *are* trying to word things diplomatically then as long as you don't take offence to people mentioning it (as long as they do do it politely) then I don't see why anyone would take offence if it's just an honest opinion worded a little bluntly.
As a rule of thumb - I've found the sharpest replies to strong opinions are usually when the strong opinions contain words like "gross" or "eww" or "disgusting". Things conveying a similar feeling but stressing "my opinion...(is that X is not something I find appealing e.g.)" then people are generally ok with that way of expressing the same opinion.
I have to admit while I was not offended to take it personally, I think a person acting and saying words like gross, disgusting can loose a bit of respect for me and I tend to take them far less seriously in the end, as while I dont have to agree with them (thats fine), I prefer them not to use strong words, as that can be offending lot. So using diplomatic language is far better.
Also trust me, world is not black and white. There are sometimes times when you have to choose lesser evil. And I never thought I would go for older man until... it happened to me. I never judged it, as I know it can work for someone, but always thought it not to be for me. Well. never say never they say and they are right!
Also trust me, world is not black and white. There are sometimes times when you have to choose lesser evil.
not black and white to you. an opinion is not fact.
Well, yes, but I just got home from my sisters baptism and the priest spent an hour talking about how everything is good or evil, black or white, and basically cursed me to hell as I am non believer (I went as a courtesy to my sister). I think the black and white vision of the world actually causes a lot of damage in the society and also hate to certain extend. I have been judged very harsly by many just because they find something disgusting, unwoman like etc. without knowing me or the context. I just came to concusion in my life there are many ways of looking at the same thing and what may work for someone, may not work for someone else, as we both view the world differently. Same here. its fine to say something like: I find it strange when there is large age gap between partners and I believe such relationships have less chances of working and I dont think I would want to try such relationship rather than throwing into several members face you find their relationships basically gross.
Ok i'm going to defend the newbie, Mr B has already stated he has Aspergers, from experience I can say that to him the world is black or white. For many people on the Autistic Spectrum it is hard to deal with social niceties and subtle signs the rest if us take for granted.
Also trust me, world is not black and white. There are sometimes times when you have to choose lesser evil.
not black and white to you. an opinion is not fact.
Well, yes, but I just got home from my sisters baptism and the priest spent an hour talking about how everything is good or evil, black or white, and basically cursed me to hell as I am non believer (I went as a courtesy to my sister). I think the black and white vision of the world actually causes a lot of damage in the society and also hate to certain extend. I have been judged very harsly by many just because they find something disgusting, unwoman like etc. without knowing me or the context. I just came to concusion in my life there are many ways of looking at the same thing and what may work for someone, may not work for someone else, as we both view the world differently. Same here. its fine to say something like: I find it strange when there is large age gap between partners and I believe such relationships have less chances of working and I dont think I would want to try such relationship rather than throwing into several members face you find their relationships basically gross.
i feel sorry for you. i cant stand that kinda of indoctrination.
but you really need to relax and learn to not care about what some faceless person says on the internet.
there are so many other things to occupy your thoughts with. ya know, the beauty of seeing everything in simple, uncomplicated terms is how happy it can make you. you dont have to get upset or angry at silly little things that really dont matter in the big scheme of things. there are so many wonderful things in the world, people, places, books, music, movies you know. why waste your time on things that simply dont matter. just be happy and really, really appreciate the things in your life that make you happy.
I know how sensitive some people are and often people here come for help (I did several times when I was weak and vulnerable emotion wise), when they are in real need and very sensitive, so thats I think why I would prefer not to have a strong words and judegement here, as yes, we are faceless, but we are humans, we do make mistakes and then come here for advice. And harsh judgement may not be the best thing at that moment when we are unsure and very vulnerable. For many here it is hard to open to people round us, as we fear judgement and here is a place when you can voice your concerns without being really judged (ok, you may not be congratulate on what you did, still you should get advice how to solve it). I think that is why I was not happy about the words used.
Mr B shouldn't feel sorry for saying his opinion, I could understand if it was said in a very negative way, but it wasn't how I read it. The problem is the tone and context is lost, as is always the problem with the written word.
Anyway as for me, there's 8 years difference, most the time don't really notice it, only when talking about old kids programs. To begin with there were problems with others not happy about it, but they saw how it made us feel when we were together and grew happy about it.
Ok, I think I should explain more. I reacted more strongly after reading his comment on another threat. If I read that comment after making a mistake and admiting it I would likely get pretty bad and I may start to punish myself harshly. Its my problem, something resulting from my damaged psyche from childhood when I was punished for everything badly, including the fact I am just a woman. I have it more under control now, but still... There are other people round the forum, who are very sensitive and with damaged psyche and such comments can turn very bad for the. Thats why I think you need to be very careful round here with words you use.And try to avoid strong words
Oh and my parents still dont know about the relationship. I am still scared to admit it to them. The age of the partner is the main reason. Only my friends knows right now and not even all of them. As I do fear judgement.
