age gaps....xx

Sex Tips & Talk
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RotorTorque wrote:

I think age gaps matter more when it's the woman that is older than the man.

I got together when I was 22 with a woman 15 years older than me. The age gap didn't bother me at the time. We were together for eight years, even lived together for one. [...] When the age gap is the other way around it takes a lot of the pressure off. [...]

The older woman seems so appealing when you're in your twenties. I'm sure some people make it work long term in lasting relationships, but it didn't work for me in the end.

Age gaps when the woman is older matter more to whom? When the man is older and the woman younger, that takes a lot of what pressure off? Pressure from whom? Pressure off what? Sorry, I'm really confused by what you said there, can you clarify?

My kvetch was in a long distance relationship with a woman a generation older than him for 2 and a half years. I myself am 10 years older than he is, we've been together for 2 and 3/4 years, mostly living together. Out of all my relationships regardless of ages, I would say this one feels the strongest and most likely to last the distance. Although kvetch is much more sensitive than I am to other people's approval or disapproval, I can't say I've noticed any pressure from anybody regarding our ages. The fact that kvetch and I look the same age as each other probably contributes to that. I acknowledge that the fertility thing can be an issue when the woman is older - however I believe that is an issue between the people concerned and nobody else.

Right now at 42 I'm in all likelihood far less fertile than I was when I was in my 30s, and kvetch and I have discussed the children question regularly. So far we're both ok with proceeding without any for the time being, with the option to revisit the topic in future.

Some people are infertile for reasons other than age. So I don't think that infertility is a valid excuse if it is the only reason for curtailing love and affection between people with a larger than usual age gap between them. I mean, if you love the person, I hope you love that person no matter how many eggs or sperm they have. Children can be adopted if there are fertility issues, no matter what the age range.

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I'm well aware that this is quite a sensitive subject, so please be assured that my opinions are purely my own feelings on the matter, and I'm not judging anyone at all! If it works for you, great! :-)


Lubyanka wrote:

Age gaps when the woman is older matter more to whom? When the man is older and the woman younger, that takes a lot of what pressure off? Pressure from whom? Pressure off what? Sorry, I'm really confused by what you said there, can you clarify?

Pressure to decide *right now* whether or not to have a child.

If I'm 30 and my partner is 25 say, then we've still got a few years to decide whether to start a family or not.

If I'm 30 and my partner is 45, well it's now or never.

Sure, it might be medically possible now for a women to have a child in her 50s, but is it morally right? That's a whole other topic and would need a new thread on it's own. My own opinion is I wouldn't want my child to have a 60 year old mother when they are just 10. Not saying whether it's right or wrong, just my own opinion.


Lubyanka wrote:


My kvetch was in a long distance relationship with a woman a generation older than him for 2 and a half years. I myself am 10 years older than he is, we've been together for 2 and 3/4 years, mostly living together. Out of all my relationships regardless of ages, I would say this one feels the strongest and most likely to last the distance. Although kvetch is much more sensitive than I am to other people's approval or disapproval, I can't say I've noticed any pressure from anybody regarding our ages. The fact that kvetch and I look the same age as each other probably contributes to that. I acknowledge that the fertility thing can be an issue when the woman is older - however I believe that is an issue between the people concerned and nobody else.

I quite agree - it's a matter purely between the couple involved. It is irrelevant what anyone else thinks.

For myself, I just couldn't stop looking into the future. That she would be 65 when I was just 50. That when I would be 65 and looking to travel the world and enjoy my retirement, she would be 80. Best case she would be frail and not able to do the things I would want to do, worst case she would be dead and I'd be facing the rest of my life on my own. Of course women tend to life longer than men, but how much quality of life do you have at that age?

This applies regardless of sex of course, exactly the same could be said for a man 15 years older than a woman.


Lubyanka wrote:


Some people are infertile for reasons other than age. So I don't think that infertility is a valid excuse if it is the only reason for curtailing love and affection between people with a larger than usual age gap between them. I mean, if you love the person, I hope you love that person no matter how many eggs or sperm they have. Children can be adopted if there are fertility issues, no matter what the age range.

Again I agree - fertility shouldn't be the only reason for ending a relationship. As I said, there were several factors in me deciding I no longer wanted the relationship - age was just one of them.

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I'll also just add that I have a couple of friends who are both in relationships with women more than 10 years older than them. They are all blissfully happy, and good on them. I'm happy for them.

It just doesn't work for me.

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bbn wrote:

Lubyanka wrote:

Out of all my relationships regardless of ages, I would say this one feels the strongest and most likely to last the distance.

Think Lubyanka makes some keypoints. However was not sure what you meant by Last the Distance. Is this the same as a Partner for Life?

That's a good question, I acknowledge that I used vague phrasing there. Every single one of my close sexual relationships has ended at or before a time frame (or "distance") of three and a half years. Some have ended sooner. I suppose I have come to regard that 3.5 year time frame (distance) as a critical length beyond which I have never yet travelled, so I think that if kvetch and I can go beyond that distance, we have a good chance of going on for a good long while, or at least until we find another critical length milestone thingy.

That 3.5 years will be up in February 2010, so we'll see at that time what's what. :)

I apologise for my sloppy phrasing. I hope that cleared up your query? :)

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RotorTorque wrote:

I'm well aware that this is quite a sensitive subject, so please be assured that my opinions are purely my own feelings on the matter, and I'm not judging anyone at all! If it works for you, great! :-)


Lubyanka wrote:

Age gaps when the woman is older matter more to whom? When the man is older and the woman younger, that takes a lot of what pressure off? Pressure from whom? Pressure off what? Sorry, I'm really confused by what you said there, can you clarify?

Pressure to decide *right now* whether or not to have a child.

If I'm 30 and my partner is 25 say, then we've still got a few years to decide whether to start a family or not.

If I'm 30 and my partner is 45, well it's now or never.

Sure, it might be medically possible now for a women to have a child in her 50s, but is it morally right? That's a whole other topic and would need a new thread on it's own. My own opinion is I wouldn't want my child to have a 60 year old mother when they are just 10. Not saying whether it's right or wrong, just my own opinion.

I appreciate that these are your own opinions, and I appreciate that you clarified this, and I also thank you for clarifying your pressure concerns. I get that the pressure is something you feel regardless of any other factors. Having said that, a person can be infertile at any age as I said above. I'm wondering if you think this has any connection to that looking into the future thing which you mentioned? For example, how do you think you would feel if you turned out to be infertile? Would the age of your female partner matter as much to you in that situation?

RotorTorque wrote:


Lubyanka wrote:

I can't say I've noticed any pressure from anybody regarding our ages. The fact that kvetch and I look the same age as each other probably contributes to that. I acknowledge that the fertility thing can be an issue when the woman is older - however I believe that is an issue between the people concerned and nobody else.

I quite agree - it's a matter purely between the couple involved. It is irrelevant what anyone else thinks.

For myself, I just couldn't stop looking into the future. That she would be 65 when I was just 50. That when I would be 65 and looking to travel the world and enjoy my retirement, she would be 80. Best case she would be frail and not able to do the things I would want to do, worst case she would be dead and I'd be facing the rest of my life on my own. Of course women tend to life longer than men, but how much quality of life do you have at that age?

This applies regardless of sex of course, exactly the same could be said for a man 15 years older than a woman.

One thing which strikes me from what you said, is that a person of any age can have an accident or contract an illness which can lead to infirmity or disability at any age. Do you think your views on this would change if you became disabled or ill or had an accident? Or if you had a partner your age to whom any of that happened? Would the age of your partner matter as much to you in those circumstances?

RotorTorque wrote:


Lubyanka wrote:

Some people are infertile for reasons other than age. So I don't think that infertility is a valid excuse if it is the only reason for curtailing love and affection between people with a larger than usual age gap between them. I mean, if you love the person, I hope you love that person no matter how many eggs or sperm they have. Children can be adopted if there are fertility issues, no matter what the age range.

Again I agree - fertility shouldn't be the only reason for ending a relationship. As I said, there were several factors in me deciding I no longer wanted the relationship - age was just one of them.

RotorTorque wrote:

I'll also just add that I have a couple of friends who are both in relationships with women more than 10 years older than them. They are all blissfully happy, and good on them. I'm happy for them.

It just doesn't work for me.

I'm reminded here of something I've come across in many polyamory resources. Sometimes people say that polyamory can't work for them because they had a polyamorous relationship which ended. And lots of relationships end, all the time, for all sorts of reasons. And the question which often comes up after that is, if you had a monogamous relationship which ended, would that mean that monogamy can never work for you? And following on from that, If you have a relationship with an older person which ends, does that mean that relationships with all older people can't work for you?

I appreciate that you have acknowledged that the issues you experienced in your relationship with an older woman were solely your personal issues, and I think it's great that you can be aware of that. :)

I'm just wondering if avoiding relationships with older people is the best way for you to address your issues, or if you would rather address your issues in a way which allows you to have more possibilities of relationships open to you? I mean, clearly you benefitted from your relationship with the older woman. You were together a long time, so there must have been good things about that relationship which benefitted both of you. I think it's a real shame that the age issues which you mentioned, which actually can apply to people of any age, and which could also possibly apply to you, were the basis for your decision to end that relationship with a person who was important to you.

I mean, if you split up with her because of personal things about her in particular, that's one thing. But the age thing and the issues which you associate with age, I think that's indicative of something else which you might benefit from investigating further.

And if I feel personal about this topic based on being the older woman myself, well, then I acknowledge that as my own issue. :)

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Lubyanka wrote:

I appreciate that these are your own opinions, and I appreciate that you clarified this, and I also thank you for clarifying your pressure concerns. I get that the pressure is something you feel regardless of any other factors. Having said that, a person can be infertile at any age as I said above. I'm wondering if you think this has any connection to that looking into the future thing which you mentioned? For example, how do you think you would feel if you turned out to be infertile? Would the age of your female partner matter as much to you in that situation?

One thing which strikes me from what you said, is that a person of any age can have an accident or contract an illness which can lead to infirmity or disability at any age. Do you think your views on this would change if you became disabled or ill or had an accident? Or if you had a partner your age to whom any of that happened? Would the age of your partner matter as much to you in those circumstances?

I did consider that you or someone else might bring up these points.

If I discovered I were infertile, then the age of my partner would matter less, but it still wouldn't change my feelings on what is going to happen when I'm older. That when I'm 50 my partner would be a pensioner. That when I retire she would be 80 and more than likely less physically capable than myself. Assuming I was still physically fit.

Regarding having an accident or contracting an illness, yes that could indeed happen and change my life completely. But I have no control over that at all. There are certain things I do have control over like the age of my partner. Where I do have some control, I would like to exercise that control to stack the odds in my favour. A partner being a similar age to myself would be one less thing to possibly cause problems later in life.

Lubyanka wrote:

if you had a monogamous relationship which ended, would that mean that monogamy can never work for you? And following on from that, If you have a relationship with an older person which ends, does that mean that relationships with all older people can't work for you?

I don't really see that your comparison follows.

Monogamy is a about relationships in general, being older or younger is a trait specific to a person. It's like asking if I have trouble with the engine in one particular car, then does that mean owning any car at all is a bad idea?

If I started dating another older woman, I don't see how that would change my feelings regarding older women. So yes, it does mean that relationships with all older people can't work for me.

If I said I wasn't interested in smokers, and wouldn't enter a relationship with a woman unless she stopped smoking, then I don't think anyone would even raise an eyebrow.

Lubyanka wrote:

I think it's a real shame that the age issues which you mentioned, which actually can apply to people of any age, and which could also possibly apply to you, were the basis for your decision to end that relationship with a person who was important to you.

I mean, if you split up with her because of personal things about her in particular, that's one thing. But the age thing and the issues which you associate with age, I think that's indicative of something else which you might benefit from investigating further.


Well that's the point - the age issue wasn't the *basis* of my decision it was merely part of it. Yes, there were other personal issues about her in particular. I just haven't discussed them because that's not the topic of this thread.

I'd just like to say thanks for your thought provoking posts. Discussing this has helped me get some things sorted in my head that have been bothereing me for awhile.

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See - I wouldn't object to having a girlfriend 10 years younger than me. But that's because I'm clearly hypocritical ;-)

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LoveHoney - Ian wrote:

Just to add my thoughts on this, firstly my parents were both past 45 when I was born, and I for one do not believe that having the extra life experience before starting a family had any negative effect on my upbringing, in fact I would recomend couples to wait longer before having kids due to my experiences when young. Of course this is just an opinion based on my personal circumstances, everyone should do what they feel is right for themselves.

As a side note, my godmother is 94, and probably more healthy and active than me. She's outlived her husband, several children and even a few grandchildren, and she lives a very active and social life - so I'm not sure why you belive the quality of life of a 60 year old must be terrible. I certianly hope that I'm still enjoying my life when I turn 60, and if my partner is older or younger than me then I hope that I am still making them as happy then as when we met External Media

I really can't argue or disagree with any of that :-)

The only comment I will make is a healthy and active 94 year old, whilst obviously not unheard of, is also not that common. Sure - I could have a partner much older than me, and they could easily end up more healthy and active, and even outlive me. But the chances are not good. It's all about stacking the odds in my favour and trying to reduce the number of things that could cause problems later in life.

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....and then came along the runaway bus...and all the careful stacking counted for diddly squat!!!! Shouldn't try to live life in a formulaic manner, that way lies disappointment l feel.

11 year gap in our case, health is the determining factor, partly determined by your genetic makeup, alwys worth checkig out the family tree of prospective partners if you are that fussed, ha ha.

TB

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....and then came along the runaway bus...and all the careful stacking counted for diddly squat!!!! Shouldn't try to live life in a formulaic manner, that way lies disappointment l feel.

11 year gap in our case, health is the determining factor, partly determined by your genetic makeup, alwys worth checkig out the family tree of prospective partners if you are that fussed, ha ha.

TB

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Gosh! we all have age gaps here don't we in my case I am +7 over my partner.

Got to say I'm glad to have had a family late. As TB knows from earlier posts I was a bit of a silly girl when I was younger and in no way fit to be a mother in my opinion until about 8 years back very recently. In the same regard Sirius was in no way fit to be a Dad probably until about 8 years back. We met at the right time when in my view we had reached similar point / maturity / wishes etc in our lifes and were ready to settle down. I was badly let down by a man 7 years my senior when I was around 21 and managed to my deep shame to do the same to a young man of around the same age when I was 28.... so despite two past experiences of age gaps not working it didn't put me off.

As my current circumstances show I am now far my healthy than my partner although he should recover that isn't guaranteed but nor is anything in life.

An age gap means what you want it to mean. If you want it to control your partnership ,it will. If you feel the need to plan ahead because of it then do. If you can't live with partners different from you by more than a couple of years ,then don't.

Just my views.

Won't be around to post for quite a few days ,have to play nurse for a couple of weeks but will be reading comments. Frenchie

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Theres not a big age gap between myself and hubby, he 18 months older than me

I dont think age gaps matter as long as your happy

xxx

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emmilou wrote:

Me and my man met when i was 17 and he was 29. we're now 32 and 44, and been married for 10 years

Good on you Emmilou! I'm 40 and my OH is 47, I've never been happier! I was 32 and she 39 when we met.

SG69 x

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Age is just a number my ex girlfriend was 39 and I was 20 as long as you both happy and its want you want fcuk everyone else. Happyness and love is not a crime. XxX

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LadyJade wrote:

Age is just a number

In my experience, the only people who say "age is just a number" are young people under the age of 25 ish.

In my experience, age is as much a significant feature of a person as gender or nationality. :)

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I understand that also if two people are happy and in love that should be good enough. But It might might be because im under 25. Me and my ex gf got on really well because I like 80s music like she did and different things like that. one of my friends is 24 and her fella is 56 and she is more happy now then iv ever since her.

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I guess age is just a number in relation to love and happiness, just as nationality or gender don't matter too much either.

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I have a nine year age gap, I am 35 she is 26... she make me feel old sometimes, but she also makes me feel young. really dont think it matters. in fact I think men should be at least 5 years older...

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WandA wrote:

I guess age is just a number in relation to love and happiness, just as nationality or gender don't matter too much either.

Well, I consider gender and nationality to be important features in a person. I must be aware that I cannot expect a Polish person to behave like or know the same things as an Irish person, and I must be aware that a woman has different needs than a man does. I am a woman and expect that to be respected, just as I respect the masculinity of any of my male partners.

I think these features are important to a person's identity, and writing them off as unimportant is an approach which works poorly for me and my partners. I mean, I can hardly treat a woman as if she were a man, that never works for me, and certainly has never worked for any of my women partners.

My experience is that romantic happiness between individuals is down to the specific individuals much more than features such as age or nationality. But I disagree that gender is unimportant if only because a heterosexual man is hardly going to disregard his partner's gender, is he? :p

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Salvadore wrote:

I have a nine year age gap, I am 35 she is 26... she make me feel old sometimes, but she also makes me feel young. really dont think it matters. in fact I think men should be at least 5 years older...

Well, if you think that all of your female partners should always be at least 5 years younger than you, then that's fair enough.

I can't say I agree, being 10 years older than my happily pussy whipped male partner. :)

(he smiled and said yes when I asked him if I could refer to him this way :D )