Any advice to improve my sex life?

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Hi there!

This might be a bit long...

I am a 27 years old woman, French native, in a relationship since 2010. I am comfortable with my body, I find it easy to talk about sex, I don't have any specific taboos, and do love the thing.

My boyfriend however... Well, that's another story. If I was to describe him in a few words I would say he's like a sheepish girl in bed.

He has a very low sex drive, and by very low I mean that if I don't initiate we could probably go a whole month without sex. When we do have sex, it has to be in the total dark and in bed, under the duvet because he doesn't like his body. He isn't comfortable using toys with me, he isn't comfortable talking about sex with me, and everytime I try and initiate a conversation to see what is blocking him, he takes it very badly.

At the beginning of our relationship I felt very rejected as I would try and start some foreplay and he would say "I'm not in the mood" and stop it there. I don't feel so rejected anymore because I simply don't initiate as often anymore but I feel like my own sex drive, which used to be very high, is going down and I hate it.

I have tried everything to arouse him and make him more adventurous: role plays, naughty nurse outfits, sexting (to which he remained very cold and ended up texting me something alongside the lines of "what's wrong with you?"), surprise HJ/BJ (never works if we're not already hiding under the blanket), playing with myself next to him (to which I get "you're like a horny rabbit", and then get ignored).

He doesn't do oral on me. I think after three years I managed to get two 69s and that's about it. Says he doesn't like it.

He hates it if I try to guide him and tell him what to do to make me come.

I love him to bits, and outside of the sex issues he is a great boyfriend but he hates his body and he hates being told what to do and he gets super tired and stressed at work so I think it all comes from this, but I still can't accept tiredness or stress as an excuse not to have sex...

Any last resort ideas of what I could do in a super discreet and non-intrusive and non "order giving" way to improve our sex life?

Otherwise I'm stuck with playing with myself with LH's toys and being content with what I have (alright sex once a week if I'm lucky!)

Cheers!!!!!

2

Hate to say this but he sounds like he doesn't want to change, he would probably come on here asking why his girlfriend has such a high sex drive. What I'm saying is you're just different, neither of you is wrong or right. Hopefully someone will come along and give some better advice but personally I can't see him being likely to change unless he decides to on his own I'm afraid

3

Wow, this is a tough one. Is there really no way you can get him to talk to you?

This might be a harsh question, but are you really happy in this relationship? It sounds like you are giving up a lot. Maybe it would help if you sat him down and gently told him that this isn't good enough for you and you'd appreciate it if he talk about it. And maybe if he can't talk to you, you could suggest a therapist? It sounds like he has some deep-seated issues and if you can't get through, maybe somebody else can.

I'm trying to think of other things you could try but it sounds like you've covered most bases. Do you think he has some sort of fetish that he is ashamed of? Have you asked him what turns him on?

4

I agree with the others. For a relationship to work you at least need to be slightly sexually compatible. What I can see is you aren't sexually compatible at all.

If you were happy with things the way they are then that wouldn't be a problem.

But you clearly aren't as you have come here to ask for advice.

You need to have a clear conversation with him about the fact you are a woman that has needs and they aren't being fulfilled at all.

5

If he feels his okay then there is nothing you can do, if he understands his drive is low then it could be a number of things my main advise would be his hormones are down but this can be age dependant which you havent stated how old he is, I would get DR to do a full pannel if his young he should need it more than a few week/month -

A lot of other things can come into play like stress, depression or does he masturbate too much?

Shortly after having children can lower his drive too (nothing to do with how partner looks) ive experenced this myself and could go every few weeks, now ive sorted myself out I cant go more than 4-5 days without some attention :)

6

Well I'm happy with everything regarding our relationship apart from the sex... But I really do not want to break up with him at all, like I said I love him.

We have had the "I have needs" conversation billions of times before but he always takes it very badly, and ends up saying things like "a lot of couples have less sex than us" or "if I am such a crap boyfriend why are you still with me?" even when I don't actually say something along those lines.

We had session with a relationship counsellor last year, separately and together, which resulted on him breaking down and saying that he sees himself as a lesser man. This is because prior to meeting me he was more muscly and bulky and happy in his own skin but shortly before we met he started a new job in a different domain than what he was used to and he lost lots of weight due to stress and tiredness. Losing muscle and weight and being unable to gain it back has made him incredibly self-conscious and I think most times he just doesn't believe how I could still want to have sex with him.

I know it sounds like I'm just trying to find excuses for him but that's the truth. So I'm just trying to find ways to reconcile him with himself naturally and improve his sex drive at the same time...h

I do have needs, I'm not denying this, but I have been in relationships before where the sex was mindblowing but the rest of the relationship was totally unfulfiling and I really felt miserable. I just can't imagine leaving him for that one reason :S

7

Fitnessfreak wrote:

If he feels his okay then there is nothing you can do, if he understands his drive is low then it could be a number of things my main advise would be his hormones are down but this can be age dependant which you havent stated how old he is, I would get DR to do a full pannel if his young he should need it more than a few week/month -

A lot of other things can come into play like stress, depression or does he masturbate too much?

Shortly after having children can lower his drive too (nothing to do with how partner looks) ive experenced this myself and could go every few weeks, now ive sorted myself out I cant go more than 4-5 days without some attention :)

He is 27 too. We don't have children and he doesn't have any on his own either. He doesn't masturbate too much... i We live together and I would notice, if anything I notice the lack of masturbation...

He does suffer from stress and he puts a lot of pressure on himself regarding his job, his family, etc, which is why I have always been patient with him

8

I really hate to say this, but I had this problem with my ex. It was one of the reasons we ended up breaking up. :c

It sounds like he ( like my ex ) is settled in his ways and despite your efforts has not given his own to try to expand his mind a bit.

A personal belief that sex and communication are really important factors in a good relationship. What it sounds like is he is to unselfconscious to try new things, and shuts down when you try to bring it up. He could also be VERY old fashioned, and not interested in the flashy stuff.

A few options are to sit down and have a very serious talk with him, tell him that it is really important to you that he listens to what you have to say and you need to hear his opinion. Try couples counseling! For his body issue, remind him that you've seen him before, You love him, and that clearly his body is far from an issue for you.

This also could be an issue with him. His hormone levels could be low. Or maybe he masturbates on his own and is no longer in the mood.

Something you should think about is are you actually happy in the relationship. It sounds like you have given up and changed yourself for him. And it sounds like this is an important topic to you that he seems to be resistant to talking about.

9

I think its easier for us to comment as outsiders.

But basically, something needs to change and he needs to realise it.

We had similar issues but the opposite way round.

It was me with the body issues, and my husband that wasnt getting what he needed.

I lost some weight, and now I am much more confident in the bedroom. Now instead of once a month we have sex more than once a week. Not quite everyday.

10

pinkanimal wrote:

I think its easier for us to comment as outsiders.

But basically, something needs to change and he needs to realise it.

We had similar issues but the opposite way round.

It was me with the body issues, and my husband that wasnt getting what he needed.

I lost some weight, and now I am much more confident in the bedroom. Now instead of once a month we have sex more than once a week. Not quite everyday.

Confidence is another big thing too, I would still get his testosterone levels checked but a hard subject to bring up. If his hormone levels are off wack its like a switch he wont want it.

11

Is he a member of a gym, or could he join a gym? Working out again will give him more confidence when his body starts to change, it's also a good form of stress relief and releases endorphins that make you feel happier. It's amazing what excersize can do for your mental well being. I would highly recommend talking to him and suggesting it and see how he feels about it.

12

I think he needs counselling for himself, not relationship coucelling, he sounds like he may have depression, which does knock your hormones off but also makes you less interested in things you used to enjoy. If not he has serious issues with his confidence, your sex life may have to take a back seat for a while longer but he needs to see to himself, most men who build muscle have low self esteem anyway so focus on their body to feel like more like a man, now he's lost that and is in a job he doesn't seem to enjoy or doesn't feel like he is good at will bring him down even more.

13

Until he wants to do something about it things wont change. You sound like you've tried everything but maybe he's okay with his sex life the way it is and then you may have to decide whether you can live with this long-term. Sounds very much like a confidence issue . Maybe you could suggest going to the gym together saying that you want to tone up rather than suggesting its for him ( he might feel like it means you're not happy with the way he looks ) If he can manage to get his body back to where he feels happy with it his sexual confidence may improve . Also exercise is great for improving libido. Ultimately it is down to him but it will only happen if he wants it to. Its not unknown for youngish men to have testosterone problems so maybe a checkup wouldn't be a bad idea.

14

Thanks everyone for the advice, we already go to the gym together three times a week and he tries to go an extra time without me too but it's not doing anything to his muscle gain, same for protein shakes...

I do think he has mild depression but he's not willing to do counselling on his own... I'll try and mention the hormones level as it is something we have already talked about, I just didn't know you could get tested for this...

15

Pussyrock wrote:

Thanks everyone for the advice, we already go to the gym together three times a week and he tries to go an extra time without me too but it's not doing anything to his muscle gain, same for protein shakes...

I do think he has mild depression but he's not willing to do counselling on his own... I'll try and mention the hormones level as it is something we have already talked about, I just didn't know you could get tested for this...

Just be supportive as its hard to discuss if he fells his okay and then if everyhing is fine it could be just mismatched sex drives which you will have to decide whats more important but you have to be happy!

16

I'm sorry but I feel like low libido, tiredness and weight loss, with an inability to gain any muscle mass despite that his body was naturally muscular and efforts at the gym.... I actually think this is pretty serious as as difficult a conversation it is, I think he should visit his GP for some tests even if it is to just rule his health out of the question!

17

Jazzam wrote:

I'm sorry but I feel like low libido, tiredness and weight loss, with an inability to gain any muscle mass despite that his body was naturally muscular and efforts at the gym.... I actually think this is pretty serious as as difficult a conversation it is, I think he should visit his GP for some tests even if it is to just rule his health out of the question!

I agree ive been there the difference is night and day, I was pretty overweight now very lean , moativated, horney all the time and more confident hormones are extreamly powerful.

18

He should go to the gp but be abit gentle about the subject, telling a man he might not be producing enough testosterone is tough. Hope all goes well though

19

Pussyrock wrote:

we already go to the gym together three times a week and he tries to go an extra time without me too but it's not doing anything to his muscle gain, same for protein shakes...

He needs to vary his gym routines to get the most out of the gym and exercising. Speak to one of the trainers in the gym or look online - theres loads of articles on this.

Back to the point in hand - and you may not like to read this - but I strongly believe that sexual compatibility should be fairl high up on the list of things for relationships. It is one of the few things that two people share initimately which makes a relationship what it is over an above 'just good/close friends'. Obviously not every sexual box will always be ticked, but it seems you have none ticked at all.

What's worse is his reaction when you try and discuss it - as you said earilier he simply says 'why are you still with me then?'

A response like this seems like he has no intention of addressing your needs/concerns and even anxieties which in this case are sexual. Where will this dismissal of your needs stop in the future and will they stretch beyond sexual needs. A lot of people dismiss sexual needs due to the very archaic connotation of sex being dirty etc. The truth is we are humans, not animals, and find sex extremely pleasurable as opposed to a necessary action to reproduce.

Not really a lot of help but some food for thought.

20

How about letting him read this, maybe put it on the laptop ect and leave the room, go have a bath let him read it on his own. Maybe he will understand where your coming from without having the awkward face to face convos. Maybe then he might be able to tell you what he thinks the next step to your sex life is.. Apart from that I'm afraid I have no idea what else to say. :( sounds horrible and can't even imagine how you are feeling. Let us know how it goes x