Argument with partner

Off-Topic Chat
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Have had a 2-day standing argument with Mrs. Val and finally had a 2 hour long conversation over it. There are too many details to share but it involved alcohol, our children, and a bunch of other things that I felt attacked about. She has a salon in our home and it seems to bring in a bunch of people who think it is a place to get psychological help. I feel that these girls bring their $hit, dump it on my wife and then I get grilled to see if I am doing the same.
She begins to pick holes in our relationship and worse than me, wants to fix and have everything perfect. As soon as there is an issue it is nagging instead of talking… pot shots and little comments that sting.
Anyways, pretty big buzz kill and yesterday I was ready to pack my shit and leave. We had some time to discuss things last night but we are not anywhere near resolving this issue.

-4 out of 10

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Sorry to hear that @valbowski77, we’re here for you :slightly_frowning_face:

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What @Knight1119 said. We’re here if you need us @valbowski77

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Thanks all. We are working through it.

You would think after 23 years of marriage that I would care less what she thinks. However, I think I am becoming more sensitive. I actually think (and I am sure I will get heat for this) she is starting to be menopausal and has changed since Covid started.

I don’t think she is going crazy but she isn’t the same woman I married or the same one from 5 years ago. I am trying to be patient but it isn’t easy.

She accused me of drinking too much (not in quantity but only in frequency) while we were at the pub and she was having beer as well! I told her the hypocrisy was pretty strong to bring it up at that time and went on to discuss how my drinking is a problem. I did a lot of research on AUD (Alcohol Usage and Dependency) and firmly concluded that I don’t fit the “alcoholic” stigma and that I enjoy a beer or two (and so does she). I’m not hiding anything, beating anyone, get abusive or actually ever get drunk.

It came out of nowhere so I think she is starting to go a bit bonkers, especially when the accusations are based on our drinking together most of the time. Unless she is asking me to cut back because she wants to cut back… seemed like a pretty backwards way of asking for help.

Either way, it went on and on and on… “I can’t relate to the kids”, etc., etc… I told her I was ready to call it quits if she kept on nagging and saying hurtful things out of no where as I don’t want that life. We will see what today brings. I haven’t drank since that night when I had half a pint and left the rest due to packing up and leaving the pub fairly quickly.

I told her that I would happily go 2 weeks without anything if it would prove to her that I am not dependent. She mentioned that it wasn’t the issue and made me more confused. :man_facepalming:

Has anyone else noticed pre or actual menopausal actions from their OH that has made them shake their head? I’d love some support or criticism if I need to get my thinking straight.

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So Mrs. Val and I have had a rough 10 days or so after apparently being at full argument/not talking/awkward silence. I bought some pretty lingerie for her from a competitor out of Spain and had it brought to Canada, picked some manly stuff up for myself and planned a date night tonight to make up for lost time.
Not sure if you are like me but not a fan of the silent treatment and even though I feel justified in my opinion, it ultimately doesn’t matter, especially if you become lonely and alone.
I left the house this morning for work and she was still asleep. I hid all of the items in our closet and then texted her, sending her on a treasure hunt to find them. She was on her way to the gym but asked for a pic of her with the items on and that I can’t wait to be with her tonight.
Looking forward to some makeup sex - Probably 12 on a scale of 10.

Fingers crossed for tonight!

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@valbowski77 Hopefully things get better for you both.

COVID has been pretty life altering for many people. It’s put an incredible amount of stress on folks and I would not be surprised if there is lasting trauma of varying degrees amongst a large percentage of the population. I will say that for me personally, I have lately been finding myself to be a bit looser and freer and less conservative about financial things; instead of putting off a purchase that is not strictly necessary, I am more likely to allow it because if the last 2.5 years have taught me anything, it is that nothing is certain and that while things are good we should try to enjoy them while we have the ability to do so. I have told my wife this, as it’s a departure from my norm and I don’t want her to wonder why I’m acting differently than I normally do. And I would hope and expect that she feels safe enough to talk to me if she has similar thoughts and realizations or changes of opinion. Perhaps the last few years have caused your wife to reevaluate certain things and she is still wrestling with these new feelings or ideas?

Honesty and open communication are the only ways to get through this stuff. It can be hard to not get defensive, to be quiet and listen, but it is so important to make sure that you both feel heard and understood. It could be that she is not even sure what she is upset about and needs to tease it out. Therapy is wonderful and something that either or both of you may want to consider, as it can provide some valuable tools and skills in how to manage these emotions and situations.

All that being said, kindness and compassion go a long way. I see that you are attempting some kindness by providing her with some gifts and telling her that you love her and miss her, that you still desire her. I hope the message is well received and the start of healing.

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Thanks @ScorpioDaddy . My plan did work to get her excited and it did end up in some fantastic makeup sex on Friday night after a fantastic night out planned by her instead of me.

I think she comes from a long line of family that has to have things “her way”. That sounds mean, but we have had long discussions about not having to have it perfect or her exact way for everything. If there is something out of place, it has to go back. If someone is sad, they have to be happy, hungry - fed, etc.

I have asked her “to be still”… just relax and try not to fix everything. I think if there is a problem, yes, it needs repair. But if there isn’t one, don’t make it so that now it became a problem just simply to have a problem to fix. I’m not sure that makes sense, but that is how it feels and how I told her that I see things.

We make enough trouble for ourselves, so running around nagging or telling someone that what they are doing isn’t good enough, when it is simply an opinion, isn’t healthy.

She does spend alot of time at home with the kids, and is a good wife and better mother. I am afraid that she will start to push all of us away with her itineraries and ideals that may frankly be unachievable. I asked her to “be still”, to relax and ask herself 1) Is there a real problem? 2) Does it need to be addressed? 3) Does it come from a loving and healthy place or is it just a pot shot and something to argue about?

I made it clear that after almost 23 years I don’t think I had much left to prove. I am who I am and that is a good provider, a good dad, not an alcoholic, not dependent on drugs, porn, smokes, etc. for fun and release, a good brother, son-in-law and friend… all which I can constantly work on but I am not perfect and don’t expect her to be. I don’t comment excessively on her personal habits or things I would like to see changed and could seriously not give a shit if she drank a bottle of wine in one sitting - she would be destroyed the next day. We are adults and all responsible for our own actions - which we are now well aware of.

I do hope we can get back to normal or a better path of connection. I already have a mom, I don’t need another one. I want a friend, lover, partner, wife… we will be ok. Some of these just cut deeper and take longer to sort out than others.

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