Advice should I stay or should I go

Hi every one hope you are enjoying you evening.
Just need some advice as i feel like my relationship with my wife is slowly starting to fade away . It started before the covid lock down we had been together 10 years 5 of them as mister and mrs .i alway been honest about i was into the anal the dressing up and at the start of the relationship she was fine . But with the latex the pvc and the womans under wear 10 years in she started asking questions was i gay .i just used to laugh as i had always been into it and just thought it was fun it felt nice on . So 12 months before she asked me again but with been on the antidepressants for 20 years with things i have had to deal witlh after seving your country for 11 years and 3 of them years a specialist solider. Suffering with ptsd and combat stress i wouldnt ask for help as i knew what i joined and to me it was part of your job you just get on with it you carnt ask for help when your a hardened infantry soldier. But with my wife asking about all of this with the dressing up my head was going 100 mph was i straight ,gay ,bi sexual was i even in the right body it was so much harder then flash back i used to get of being shot at near misses with bombs going off i was a mess and telling my wife i think i was in the wrong body
and seeing what it done to her absolutely destroying her i just couldnt live with my self .moving out the family home into my little flat covid had kicked in and we where in lock down broken hearted with what i had done to the woman i wanted to grow old with the woman i loved.then if things couldnt get any worse the doctors mucked up my prescription i was on the highest dose of fluroxiten and having to go cold turkey as i couldnt get my meds. My head was a mess no one to talk to just sat in my flat on my own and then the news i didnt want to here my wife saying would i say i had a affair so we didnt have to wait 18 months for the devours so because i wanted to move on and let my wife be happy i agreed and in 4 weeks it was done . Now i was well and turly on my own just lying in bed sobbing my heart out didnt want to be here failed attempts on my life just burst into tears when i woke up in the morning.
2 years went by and i got my old army head on talking to myself to give my head a wobble and sort yourself out training again keeping myself focused i was so focused and started to feel good about myself still loved my wife and my family my full daugter our son we had together and my wifes 4 step children who i had brought up like my own for 10 years even when we wernt together i even made sure the kids had what they needed as there dad hadnt bothered with them .but after 2 years plus she told me she still loved me so we decided to give it another go ,xmas as a family it was brilliant . Then the moving back in together. Then 3 month of living together she said maybe i should move back into the flat as we are moving to fast .so here i am 3 months back in the flat, we see each other the odd weekend where i love just to spend a few hours with my 7 yr old non verbal autistic son who is my world .but no sex together for over 2 months and just basic texts i just dont know what i want anymore i under stand she could be still hurting. But we where laughing going out for walks in the lakes and amazing sex and now i feel like its done i was in a good place before we got back together i was in the gym getting some attention off some amazing woman i was happy having my son every weekend .but im starting to feel it has gone between us i will always love this amazing woman but just dont want to go back into the depression all again ive been off the meds now for 2 years and feel great about it .but is this relationship over and just be friends or do i ceep on fighting and hope in time it will be all good again or have we been to long apart and its done would love your feed back :heart::heart:

2 Likes

@philxhx bless you, brave post.
I think you know the answer. Please prioritise your mental health x

5 Likes

Hmmmm hard to say, sometimes enough is enough and it’s better all round to be separated… Follow your head / gut and heart…

2 Likes

Thank you for your kind words im in a good place and think i have my mental state under control as im in a good job with a great bunch and back in the gym which is great for anyone with issues .my sons birthday is in 2 weeks and i think after that i need to make a desition .i was with a girl down in stock port for 4 months she was bonkers but a nice bonkers :rofl::rofl: i loved the 2 and a half hours drive to spend time with her we had such a nice time together never laughed so much for a lo g time but when your wife says she wants to give it another go what do you do .i feel bad as im a kind hearted guy and felt terrible ending it with her because i quite like stockport and could of seen myself settling down there but what was in the back of my mind was my autistic son i couldnt be that far away from im :blush::blush:

Thanks for that buddy and i think your right i have looked at the pros and cons and i think the cons out score the pros

1 Like

I understand a little of what you are going through about your decision… “Should I vs Shouldn’t I?” @philxhx it’s a very tough decision…add in children and add on disability too it’s even tougher… and the worries of the child not fully understanding what is going on and how the child will deal with any changes of whatever is to come must be a massive worry for you.

It’s really your decision…I can see from your post how much you are in turmoil…and it’s obviously not easy.

Write things down if it helps and then I think you need to have a good chat with your amazing woman about how you feel about everything… get it all out there the both of you about the past the now and what you both want for the future.

You have been through such alot… I can’t even begin to imagine…and you deserve happiness…understanding…love and for someone to be there for you too.

Good Luck and if you need to rant or get it out…there’s lots of support on the forum.

Please look after yourself.

Hugs to you…you’ve got alot of thinking to do.

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

2 Likes

@philxhx hey mate, I’ve the biggest respect for anyone who serves for our country so thank you :muscle: no one should ever feel like this about themselves! I’ve kinda been somewhere where you are and struggled for years with all kinds of feelings and emotions and after about 6 years of feeling like shite about myself I’ve only just managed to do what I should have done years ago and call it a day between us! It was so hard and still is every day but I know myself deep down that it was the right thing to do in the end for me, her and the kids! Even though it really doesn’t seem like it now I know things are going to get better! People move on, it’s just so hard to see it at first! Think about yourself mate and put yourself first, I didn’t for years and it was nearly the end of me!

I hope everything works out for you mate, we’re all here to chat anytime too :+1:

4 Likes

Thanks for post weve gone throug the chat thing @CurvyJilly she says she wants to be with me but it just feels like we are friends . All my kids are gown up my eldest 28 and my full daugter 20 and down at leeds uni doing nursing. Even the wifes kids are all grown up. But my special boy i see more of him when we where single .miss having the weekend and going on a father son adventures he loves the camper i bought it for him so we could go off every weekend but i just wish i knew whats going on in this relationship. I must admit i love reading posts what you great bunch of people have put on andit makes me smile reading about the great time the couples have to say in there posts which makes me feel what we used to have and what we have now ,it just feels there nothing there and where i was broken hearted lastime ,this time i dont feel down in the dumps or depressed ect :heart:

2 Likes

Leaving a long term relationship takes a lot of courage. I was married for 20 years before I found the courage to say I needed more. Marrying my ex husband was the right thing to do at that time for many reasons, but I knew then it wasn’t the love of my life. I could have stayed, my life wasn’t awful, but I knew I needed more. Six years ago, I got breast cancer, and life events such as that, can give us a wake up call and make us reevaluate our lives. I knew that for my own future happiness and self worth I had to leave and try and find ways to live a fulfilling life, it’s the only one we have.

Fast forward and I met the love of my life and we’re getting married this year!

What I’m trying to say is that your own happiness has to be one of your priorities. Life has given you many hardships, some of which will be with you forever, you can’t change what’s happened, but you can change the next chapters. Good luck, you’ll have the support of many around here whatever you decide xx

4 Likes

Thank you @SteelA1 to me it was just a job but i appreciate your kiind words .i hope you are also just about there. its is a tuff decision to make and after the few coments from all you lovely people i think i know now what i need to do . I think get the boy birthday out the way and then need to move on .
Well thank you once again mean alot to me buddy for taking time out for your commet :heart:

1 Like

Awwww thank you for your comment @Rhilee these comment are helping me so much .alot of people say about the armmed forces are heros but to me a hero is someone like your self that is fighting cancer.my friends wife is fighting cancer at the moment he is falling apart but his wife just takes it in her stride you are all true warriors who have had or still fighting the big C.
These kind words have made my mind up and i know what to do as you say life is to short to be unhappy.
Well great news about getting married i hope you and you OH have the most beautiful day :heart::heart:

Heroes come in many guises, we all are in our own way. Please don’t downplay what you’ve done and been through xxx

2 Likes

I think you know the answer deep down.

My wise nan :older_woman: always said to me never go back, don’t look back and it never works second time round. I’ve tried it once and within weeks I knew my Nan was right…… it’s just not the same and what we remember.

You are clearly a strong person who has recognised all the things in yourself and built yourself back up again, enjoying your new life , gym and new attention from people.

Both my wife and I are both in the services but homeland and not military, so certainly have never experienced or seen the things you would face / see in war zones / conflict but do see some very distressing things / scenes / sadness/ trauma daily which can desensitise our minds , harden off or bring real negative view on the :earth_americas:…… but realise we have only focused on the worst in things as that’s the job we signed up to do and actually the world our life’s are all very beautiful things and lots more good / happiness in the world then bad… including the LH forum :star_struck:, but we … sky news!! Love the bad!

So personally I would say , get back to that gym, new routine and enjoy yourself / time with children. Clearly the relationship with your old partner is having negative impact again , worry or not understanding where you stand …. So stand on your own , strong :muscle: and enjoy the great life you rebuilt , new attention, new experiences and where ever your life takes you :star_struck:

3 Likes

So much good advice and support for you on here. I think it is a very difficult decision but it must be you that makes that decision and then look to the future. I wish you good luck.

1 Like

To me it seems that you have a good parental relationship with her, which is fabulous for your son, but the intimate aspect is over, and you should remain friends.
Hopefully with your own flat and the chance to see your lad as often as possible, it will give you the chance to find someone who shares your love of PVC etc, and doesn’t think you’re gay because of those likes.
Above all, look after your mental wellbeing, as you deserve to be happy, and if you’re mentally happy, it help you look after your son, who it’s obvious you adore.
We all have to make very difficult decisions in our lives, i know i have, so make sure the decision you make is in your best interests.
Good luck, and you know there’s always someone around here to offer support and advice :slightly_smiling_face:

2 Likes

By the sound of you there @Daisy1982 i think your wise nan has rubbed off on you nans are greart mines been passed for a long time now and loved every weekend down there as a kid loved her to bits but she is the woman that made me the way i am .
Im a cheeky northen monkey with a big heart and like to think im a gentleman thanks to my hady hints about how to treat a woman . She alway used to say manners cost nothing always open a door for a woman ,if walking down the street alway make sure you walk on the outside and much more and its always stuck with me . But i have to say thankyou for taking the tume your post is lovely​:heart: just like everyone else thats posted on here with advice i think i now know where i need to be and your right it never worked the first time and its surely not going to work now so i think get the boys birthday out the way next week and then its onwards and up ward.
The sad thing is i dont think its going to bother me like the last time as im in a good place now so thank you :heart::heart:

3 Likes

I want to commend you. You’re brave and hope you get the support and help you need! :heart:

Health is the most important thing in life and is what people take advantage of. If you have perfect health, you don’t need to think of it and that also makes it harder for people to then put themselves into others situations.


Summary of what I think:

It’s a hard decision but YOUR health (easier said than done). If you take care of your health it can help not only yourself but others around you. You can help others by taking care of yourself.


KINKS Don’t Determine your Sexuality:

Your honestly with your partner about your kink is super important!
I’m glad you were open. It’s sad that your partner made you question yourself on top of other stress.

I know guys who like butt stuff, but are 100% straight. For example, I like butt stuff, doesn’t mean that I want someone to shove their penis into my butt.

I want you to know that JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A KINK DOESN’T CHANGE YOUR SEXUALITY (Sorry about the caps. I want to bold this but don’t know how to).

I am pansexual* and have had that same thing of not knowing what I am. I liked a lot of guys clothes, but I love being female.

I’ve hung out with people in LGBTQA+ and people are very accepting of not only each other but kinks. There aren’t any question of hey you like this so you must like this or be this. But when I hang out with some friends who didn’t know about kinks, it is easier for them to label things as ‘gay’.

*Pansexual = Not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.


View of Your Partner Questioning Sexuality:

I understand that your partner could just be expressing her concern but that she kept saying it after you told her no, seems insensitive.

Over my lifetime, I’ve dated three guys, two who turned out to be gay and one was bi-curious*.
So it’s understandable if she wants what’s best for her partner. I know that when your partner wants to be with someone of the same sex, you want their happiness.

Wanting to support each other is different though if you kept pushing something. It can get into your head and add stress. Sometimes people just like certain things. You can’t control your sexuality. You can’t control your kink.

*Bi-Curious = (of a heterosexual person) interested in having a sexual experience with a person of the same sex.


If You want Closure on Questioning your Sexuality with Your Partner:

YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT. BEING HONEST. UPFRONT.

You should think of what’s best for yourself. If you want help or to figure out why she was pushing it, I think couples counseling could help with both sides of getting to understand each other’s views.

Since she kept asking if you were ‘gay’ she might have been secretly concerned or anxious. She could also just NOT be into that kink, and it was her way of indirectly telling you, maybe she had fear of you leaving or or she was embarrassed to tell you directly. Either way, both parties have to be comfortable to talk it out. She might not want to or be ready to, that fine. But expressing yourself is important.


If You Want to Continue a Relationship:

I think you should do couples therapy. You don’t even need to be a couple. You can do it because you both care for the kid.

I think it’s great you love this kid as your own and even if you’re not together, I hope you can still be there even if you aren’t romantic with the mother. Hopefully she sees that too.


Things that Can Work for Communication and Umderstanding:

Journals/Notes*
Both or one of you can keep track of how things made you feel. Or a summary of the day. Or even just an emotion.

The positives:
- Get things off your chest
- Keep track of your progress or emotions
- Gives you a break to clear your thoughts and come back with a clearer mindset
- Helps you see how things effect you
- Understand your overall mood
- Can bring up talking points

If you want you can go though the journal together (great if you both do it) and even saying stuff like “I was really stressed today but I was happy when I saw (kid’s name) and had dinner with you”.

*I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD. My therapist made me take notes and it is helpful in different ways. It mostly feels like a chore but I get excited and suprised when I don’t see anything negative in a while and it makes me happy and think life isn’t that bad.


Sorry about the long message. Thank you so much for sharing your story! I know it’s hard but you’ll have to keep being brave.

Best of Wishes! :revolving_hearts:

1 Like

I think deep down it is done ive tried so hard to make it work but to make it work you both have to put the effort in and in my eyes its only comeing from one person so i think its time to move on .thank you for your advie means alot to me :heart::heart:

2 Likes

Thanks dude, evening here is going swell if sewing a teddy bears head on counts lol :teddy_bear:

Sorry to hear you’ve been having marriage troubles and even more saddened to hear how military experience has effected you long term…
Alas yes it’s all part of the job but still it’s not expected to be kept under lock and key to yourself, regardless of the tough guy stigma the army puts out. Traumas and stress no matter what vocation your in deserves to be treated as no person, male or female, should be expected to suffer alone. Really glad to hear your on some meds to help ease this and hope you’ve had some sorts of therapy too so your no longer burying bottles in the mind!

Now with regards to your marriage I’d first say why need to label things, if you love your wife and she loves you unconditionally then why should wearing latex and womenswear be a big thing, it’s a unique part of you… sounds like at this time in your life you really could have done with a close friend or therapist to try help you work out your thoughts/feelings to better understand who you are before having spoken to your wife… still ideally it would have been nicer if she’d shown some sort of support in trying to understand what you was saying and all the confusion going on in your head, but again communication although it’s the best thing in a relationship, if not navigated delicately it can cause more harm than good 🫤 did she try to listen and understand when you opened up to her about how you was feeling?

Holy cows!! Now that is extreme and terrible on behalf of your medical practice to put you through this mix up of medication!!
Being on antidepressants myself, my doctors have always expressed how dangerous it can be to just come off them like cold turkey so my heart truly goes out to you on this and I can’t begin to image the state you must have been in with all the added components to deal with too. Damn man your a real survivor.

It’s also so warming to hear how even not being in the family home you still looked after all your kids like a great father should do no matter the circumstances. It’s wonderful to read you got back with your wife for Xmas and most importantly she still holds the same love you do for her.
It is Unfortunate she asked you to move out again but hopefully things take time and maybe she is still healing and trying to process stuff in her head as well as what your doing… at this point in time it could prove beneficial for you both to go to some couples counselling sessions so together you both get a safe neutral space to open up about where you both are inside and where you’d like to aim for…

Really hope this has been of some help to read and wish it all works out for the best of what you want. Sending a big warm hug :hugs:

2 Likes

@philxhx Always look after number one ! I feel for you re your past must be really tough at times … as already said your mental health must be your priority ! The only person who can answer your question is you … take your time you have no deadline for a decision just make sure its the right one for you ! :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

1 Like