Hope you can help, bit of a back story.
Husband and I have been married for 20 years. I was a virgin when we met so have taken the lead from him really. When we first got together I tried giving a BJ but he said it doesn’t do anything for him so that was that. He also doesn’t like to give oral so never pushed it as felt awkward. Our sex life has been good but always felt a bit rushed to get to the end result. Last 5 or 6 years we have had a lot of stress in our lives and we have become quite distant. Husband is on antidepressants so that comes with ed (can occasionally get hard but not for long) and I am menopausal.
He also works away for 5 days a week so a lot of things getting in the way.
Children are getting older and moving out and I feel like I am missing out.
Over the years I have tried to spice things up but it’s never really led to anything. When I speak to him about it he says he misses our sex life but doesn’t do anything to change anything.
I will get to the point..
I want to go back to basics and try to take the pressure of him to get and maintain an erection. I want the closeness back as I love a kiss and cuddle but that has stopped as well. I want us to try new things and not go back to the same routine
I am planning on speaking to him tonight as he is home later.
Help,what do I say ?
Can you suggest things we can try to get the intimacy back in our relationship.
Sorry for the long post.
Initially its sounds like the depression and the taking of the pills is the most recent cause of the problem. In general it sounds like theres been a lot going on for a long time. Maybe if you have no luck with tonights chat, you could at some point further down the line suggest seeing someone professional. I would not feel comfortable commenting on what you should say as it sounds more complex. Good luck with tonight. Does he know you are both going to chat.
Yes he does, we had a little chat on Monday night as I was quite upset and he said we will sort it out. He has said this before though. He has seen a councillor about his issues but we have never seen a councillor together. I don’t know if he would be up for that
Try going away for a couple of days,at a nice spa hotel,just relax,have a couple of drinks,and suggest giving each other a massage, and see where it leads,just enjoy no pressure.
It sounds like you need to take baby steps with this.
You say you don’t have much intimacy, so start there but in a way that takes sex off the cards. Have a romantic date day where you can spend the day wandering around, holding hands, chatting about little things. Go to an attraction like an exhibition, museum or the zoo, whatever you are in to. Or go for a nice walk, maybe with a picnic. That way, you can both relax and enjoy each others company without either of you worrying about what will or might happen next. Pressure is completely off, it’s just a day to enjoy each others company.
Or you could plan a regular dinner date night. Doesn’t have to be fancy or somewhere that needs a reservation weeks in advance. It might sound corny but you could literally just go and split an ice cream sundae somewhere.
As he works away, have a zoom date night. Agree a meal (or a theme for a meal) and both eat together on video call.
That will help rebuild the intimacy and affection between you which in time can then lead to being more relaxed in the bedroom.
Hi, I know exactly how you are feeling and the stresses of live get in the way. Its good that you have identified this and are looking at ways to get things back on track. Try to support hubby regarding ED. @Calie Has come up with great suggestions, going away is a great idea. Could toys help using them together? Good luck with your conversation. Discuss what you want/desires/how to help him.
The advice I would give-
Try to do non penetrative ideas but are still sexual…
Massage
Bath together
Shower together
Go swimming and use same changing room.
Fun games like strip poker.
Take him lingerie shopping.
With him working away, why not take yourself lingerie shopping and show him over webcam,
Send him pictures of yourself,
Could you get app based toys to work over long distance?
Thanks for all the replies, I spoke to my husband last night. He said that he is still dealing with the fall out of the last few years but wants to draw a line under everything and move on. He has taken on bored that he set the tone for our sex life and wants to change that. He also said that because of his antidepressants he doesn’t get urges to have sex like he used to. I’m wondering if it’s because he feels pressured and if we take the pressure of he will start to have feelings again or will he never get urges while he is on the tablets ?.
He was so lovely and understanding so we can start again.
Thanks again everyone who replied you have all given me ideas to get my relationship back on track.
Sounds like you guys had a great conversation!
Stuff like this is something you guys have to both work on and can take time.
I like that you realize part of the issue is there’s a lot of pressure.
For me and my wife I find we have a better time when we don’t come with any hard expectations other than just to have a good time and enjoy each other
This is a very common side effect of some antidepressants. It might help slightly if you take the pressure off him but it’s likely that he will still have a reduced interest in sex due to the meds. I found that I had zero interest in sex but, if I tried to masturbate anyway, i would eventually get into it but it was very difficult to do because the sex drive was non-existant. If it’s causing him distress, there are other antidepressants that he could try that don’t have this side effect, or have less of an effect. If it’s upsetting him then it’s possibly worth trying something different because sex can be very beneficial for mental health and your relationship.
So agree with this. My hubby has been having some difficulties since Feb, won’t see the doc, but that is another whole convo. When it happened to start with he would abandon all activity and roll over. Gradually I have pushed to keep going, keep the intimacy, kissing touching and forget the hard on and we have had some very fun and satisfying sexy time. He can often be hard enough to come through masturbation but not hard enough for intercouse. I feel like we have found new ways to play which has brought a new intimacy and I hope you can find the same.
Also we have been trying to do more fun thi gs outside the bedroom too to help us destress and relax
@Gem322, it’s sad when you realise that life has dragged you into a ‘same old same old’ scenario. Hope you’ve got enough ideas to be getting on with and hopefully you should both soon be back on track to a bit of togetherness.
Perhaps get a pen and pad and write down some little things to do together that are non sexual, perhaps making a meal together or trying out a new hobby.
Good luck
Firstly you are not alone there are a few very similar threads on here , don’t make it any easier though , as others have already stated ! The starting point is to get together and sit down and have a grown up conversation with each other explain how and why you feel the way you do and take it from there hun it’s all I have for you good luck hope you get to first base and beyond @Gem322
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but shower is a great idea. Thanks
we can start again.
