My wife asked me to post a question on her behalf, so I'm being a bit of a "middle man" here, bear with me :)
After having our two lovely kiddies, she's become really "loose", so loose that, well, vaginal sex just doesn't do anything for her, and it's so much work for me that it's gone from a blessing to a chore.
She's tried some Ben Wa balls, fairly large (not sure of the mass) but can't really "feel" them. She's also looking for a feeling of continuous "gentle stimulation", for when "I get home from work", it's a lovely and sweet thing, but she's starting to get a bit down about it.
First of all, kegel exercisers take some time to work. You have to be religious about wearing them and it helps if you squeeze around them then release and repeat to really work out your pelvic floor. It can take a few weeks to start seeing results.
Secondly, if she’s wearing larger balls at the moment and not feeling anything, she needs something smaller but heavier. Tightening this area is more about weight than size and circumference. As you’re not sure what her current set are, look into that and then size up in weight as appropriate. If she’s at 60g now for example, try 90g or a set close to 100g.
If she’s still having no luck with kegel balls, sizing up for a third time might help or switching to a different type of exerciser, one that comes with a monitoring system to track progress. I’ll link an example below.
Thirdly, moving around whilst wearing kegel exercisers (assuming they have free roaming weights inside them as not all of them do) can begin to increase arousal but it is usually very subtle. May I suggest trying a balm or gel instead?
The second option will also create a temporary tighter feeling!
One last thought and I apologise cause this was a long post already, but if she’s open to anal, a small butt plug inserted during sex can make the vagina feel tighter for both of you. It might be worth a try whilst she’s working on making her pelvic floor stronger again :)
My wife had a few similar issues after she had our twins, though the main one was pissing herself every time she laughed/ran/moved. 🙂 She used a mixture of the kegel/Ben Wa balls and the regular pelvic floor exercises to strengthen up again and it solved a lot of it. She never felt any sort of arousal from them though, nor the love-egg type vibrators, so I think she's just one of those people that isn't stimulated by that particular style.
If your wife is a fan of a bit of clitoral stimulation you can get those knicker vibrators that can be worn pottering about the house? We have the Desire version, though there are plenty of others. It's remote controlled too so you can mix it up a bit without having to fiddle around once your trousers are on. As a stand alone vibrator it's not Mrs Chimp's preferred style, but as a warm up it can be quite good.
First of all, kegel exercisers take some time to work. You have to be religious about wearing them and it helps if you squeeze around them then release and repeat to really work out your pelvic floor. It can take a few weeks to start seeing results.
It's tough. Giving birth is a really physical thing to do, and it puts the body through a lot. I don't know how old your kids are now, but I remember that my wife felt very self-conscious about it for well over a year. She fretted about it too, which I think exaggerated the issue. I remember it having a real negative impact on her enjoyment of certain things (both sexual and just general exertion), and honestly, it was hard to tell how much of it was physical and how much was psychological.
Mrs Chimp used the kegel balls a bit when she got the chance, but she mainly did the pelvic floor exercises as she could do a burst of them wherever she was (at her desk, on the sofa, in the car, etc). It was far more about exercise than arousal though.
Sex-wise we did find it useful to concentrate on other areas that she was less hung up on, which gave her a chance to enjoy herself without the added worry of feeling self-conscious (which is always a major orgasm distraction). I think that helped break the negative cycle, and gave the exercises time to work.
I hope your wife finds some of this encouraging. She's certainly not alone in feeling this way, and sometimes that can be comforting all by itself. Good luck, and happy squeezing. 🙂
You've got great advise here on kegels. I'd like to add that lack of sensibility may also be caused by nerve damage or scars due to medical interventions during delivery. She should consider asking about this to her ob-gyn and maybe ask to be refered to a physiotherapist specialized in pelvic floor pathology.
I also would tell you that orgasms are a great way to improve pc muscle stregth and vaginal sensibility, and there are a lot of ways for her to get to orgasm without vaginal penetration. (masturbation throught clitoral stimulation, oral sex, hands, clitoral toys...).
Also that stress caused by being the mother of two, possibly the load of work/stress at home or out added to the rest, or the possibility of being interrupted while having sex, may pose a threat to her enjoying sex at this moment (I don't know how old your kids are, but I know how it feels to be mother or two). Ask her if she is tired or stressed or worried and how you can help.
Also: try to relieve her from the feeling of being "faulty". Focus on the things that still feel great for both, and don't "insist" too much on her improving "tightness for sex" but to improve pelvic floor strength and sensibility for her health, present and future.
I found that doing pilates and yoga really helped to improve the old pelvic floor - that's not why I started doing them but it was an unexpected benefit.
Lovehoney sells the Tenscare iTouch. Expensive, but worth it.
The electrical impulses will tone her up much quicker and more effectively than anything non-electrical. They're also really relaxing (as long as you don't ramp it up to the max to start with!).
I was recommended it by my neurology nurse as I have a bit of a problem with my nerves. It hasn't actually helped my nerve problem but it has made my muscles much more responsive.
The only thing I actually hated about it was the really awful leads that go from the probe to the unit. I kept having the LEADS message on screen every time I moved so I had to keep buying replacements. In the end even the new leads wouldn't connect correctly.
If you're luckier than I was and you get a unit that doesn't keep nagging for new leads, it really is a fantastic product. Though if I buy another one day, I'll probably try taping the leads up like I do with my iPhone leads in an effort to prevent a problem from happening in the first place.
Alternatively, the Mystim Truman is on sale and is the same price. This also has a Kegel exercise programme - I bought it as it's lead free! The vibes are pretty strong on it, too.
I have had 2 giant babies so I feel her pain. What I done was classic pull, clench and hold technique and my pelvic floor is impeccable. I went from sneezing and wetting myself to being able to hold in small heavy free roaming Ben wa balls. My advice would be for her to do the traditional exercises often. I done mine at traffic lights when they were red until they went green, anytime I was in a queue and during adverts on TV. It doesn't sound like much but these small bursts really worked.