My bf of nearly 5 and a half years has given me oral sex about 4 times and not once in the last 3 years. I have tried talking to him about it but he always refused until last night when he told me that my vagina was smelly the times that he did it. I feel really hurt by this. I have always washed thoroughly before sex and had exes who loved to perform oral on me and never complained that I was smelly. I don't really know how to forget about that comment and move on from it. I feel so hurt for the fact that he would be happy to have sex with me for 5 and a half years yet has thought this. I know its my own fault for asking why he wont do it but I'm just not sure how to get my head moved on from this, its really made me feel pretty crap.
I'm not surprised you feel crap, that was such an idioticly thoughtless thing to say to you!
Frankly, if you were smelly you would know. You spend more time around your vagina than he does, and as you've said exes have never had a problem. It seems like he's just thrown out the first thing he can think of to get out of having the conversation with you (or indeed performing the act).
You need to let him know how crap this has made you feel. Yes, sometimes people don't like the natural smell/taste of their partner. That's ok. But that is HIM, not you. It is HIM who has that adversion, not you who has a problem. He could have told you in a nicer way that he doesn't enjoy giving oral without making you feel bad about yourself.
If you can get him to sit down and have a proper conversation about this, you could suggest practical solutions such as flavoured lube to make it more enjoyable for him. Because saying that you are smelly and not wanting to talk anymore about it is certainly NOT an acceptable solution in a relationship. It's obviously something you desire, and he should be willing to work on it.
Incidentally, I doubt he has been thinking that the entire time he is having sex with you. Otherwise, you would surely have noticed him avoiding sex the same way he avoids giving you oral. It sounds like he has just immaturely expressed an aversion to oral, so I would try not to think anymore deeply about it than that.
I hope you get a more productive conversation out of him than leaving it at this hurtful comment. And a damn big apology!
Try, even though you won't want to, talking about it a bit more.
if you wash before anyway, it can't be that you're sweaty or actually smelly. Surely he must just not like the smell of vaginas!
or he's just saying it because he doesn't want to do it.
lucky for me, Mr Ted loves it, and he's pretty good too.
if I'm not sure, I just ask him what it's like down there, he has a quick wiff, and he either "dives in" or I nip to the bathroom then sit on his face!
don't feel down about it!
What an awful thing for him to say to you :(
It sounds to me like he has never liked oral with you or anyone else and instead of admitting it he has been nasty and turned it around to you.
He is the one with the problem not you. He needs to give you a very big apology for that nasty remark.
MissU. I am so sorry this has happened to you. It's not you it's him. You are not smelly at all and I you were I suspect 19 out of 20 men would find it natural and very arousing. He is just on of those very rare guys that isn't turned on by Pussy.
I don't have an answer for where to go with this. All I can give you is there is nothing wrong with you. You are going to have to talk to him in much more detail. Is he OCD about personal hygeine? To try and console you in another way their are women who don't give head too.
Personally I'd get my own back and stop givin him head, and if he asks why, you say "have you smelt yourself recently, it's not appealing".... It might be immature but he's an absolute arse for saying that to you, if you're keeping yourself clean and fresh then theres nothin to worry about and he's the problem not you Xx
ohh that is definitely not a nice thing to say. I am sure you are not smelly at all, seems like he is just trying to get out of it. If he is that phobic or imagining it smells down there, then why not suggest some flavoured lube. Maybe he isn't keen on the taste? (no different from us sometimes not being too keen on the taste of spunk) Flavoured lube is always a good place to start! You could suggest it and even have a look for it together and agree on a flavour?
I can't believe he said that to you, if he doesn't like it he could have at least told it straight but to say you smell... really.
Most guys I know wouldn't turn down oral sex, the vast majority like it and some love it. Personally I love oral sex with MrsB, making her come with my mouth is one of my favorite things.
I much like GG don't think you smell, especially if you wash before he comes near you. I suspect it's that he just doesn't like it or he thinks it's a dirty thing to do.
I don't have any advice, although you could always stop giving him oral until he returns the favour, with an apology first.
K&C is exactly right.
You're not the problem, like everyone else has said. Maybe he just doesn't find the idea of oral appealing. Talk to him about it, explain how he's hurt you by saying that and try to see if he'll say what the real reason is. If he's just not keen on it and wont do it, then atleast you'll know why he's not doing it.
Thankyou so much for the reply lovebirds. I tried talking again this morning and his comment was 'if you are squeaky clean for me coming in from work I would happily go to town.' I just told him I didn't want him too. I don't think he realises that receiving oral will be so difficult for me to enjoy now if he ever does it. There's no way I could have got in to it today after what he said. The worst thing is he doesn't even realise how much this has upset me even though I have told him. I will try talking again with him tomorrow even just to get him to understand how horrible that comment has made me feel. Your reply has made me feel better, thank you.
Thankyou every one for th replies, they have made me feel much better about myself. Just to add I have tried the not giving him oral and I think we went 2 years with no one getting any oral sex. The more I think about it he is just awkward about the whole thing. It's taken me a long time to get him comfortable with me giving him a bj and yes GG he can be quite OCD about personal hygiene. Thanks everyone I realise now it's his issue not mine.
In the past I was reluctant to give oral because I dislike the smell of saliva. So for me even a clean penis begins to smell horrid straight away. Perhaps this is his problem and he doesn't know it or wont admit to it.
How is he with licking anything else? I can't even bear to lick the back of my hand and smell it.
For a long time It was hubby giving me oral and me never doing it.
Now I do and he doesn't! He did the other day tho.
But not very often.
Men can be Surprisingly insensitive and not even realise it most of the time.
That is an awful thing to say! What an immature little boy!
me and OH fight over who gets to give oral first, we love pleasing the other.
havent we all gone down and thought " wow that's not a nice smell" you either suck it up of if it's really bad " baby maybe just a quick wash?" Everyone works up a sweat down there. You probably don't smell at all, no more than any other woman, or maybe you do, maybe you have a stronger smell than other women, but there are men that would love that, we all smell and taste different, he needs to grow up and appreciate your body for what it is.
alrgough I would just like to add, without making you paranoid, that if you do wash regularly with regular soap you can cause increased growth of bacteria which makes you smelly, BUT it's a smell like no other and you'd be able to smell it yourself with your clothes and other people would be commenting on smell. Doesn't sound like you have that at all, you just have an immature boyfriend who is really insensitive, no amount of antibiotics can fix that
That's very rude of him.
If he just doesn't like giving oral has he tryid using a flavoured lube?
I'm so sorry your boyfriend spoke to you like that! Unbelievably rude and insulting, even allowing for the tendency of men to put their foot in it up to the knee.
I've never spoken to a man who doesn't love giving oral, and often find the opposite with women (apart from on this forum!). Maybe your boyfriend just doesn't like it and said the first thing that came into his head to explain it?
I would guess it was the first excuse that poped into his head, we had the same problem but the other way round, and i know its not nice to be in your position.
So the next time she was happy to try i made sure everything was squeeky clen and fresh, but i got the same reaction, turns out she dosnt like the idea of giving oral and absolutly hates the taste of pre cum, nothing to do with hygine, but she was embarrassed and just blurted it out ain the heat of the moment.
MissUnknown wrote:
Thankyou every one for th replies, they have made me feel much better about myself. Just to add I have tried the not giving him oral and I think we went 2 years with no one getting any oral sex. The more I think about it he is just awkward about the whole thing. It's taken me a long time to get him comfortable with me giving him a bj and yes GG he can be quite OCD about personal hygiene. Thanks everyone I realise now it's his issue not mine.
I have thought about this some more, BBG and I are hugely into this for our OH's. I would have to say I actually would be disappointed if my OH didn't smell. You can keep all your expensive perfumes the scent of a woman is just the most amazing and erotic thing ever. I have always posted on threads about women's confidence that you should see this as a big plus.
Your partner has big issues here, I hope we have given you the confidence to take him on about this. Firstly even if he doesn't want to do this for you he should of never said what he said out of respect and love for you. No caring man would ever want to deliberately undermine his woman's sexual confidence, this will only end up with sex being worse for him.
Finally I think there are upbringing issues here. I can say this because my own wife and I had to work and still are dealing with her upbringing. Strangely the other way around from yourself , she had been told not to play with herself because it was dirty. So she thought nobody would want to go near it. When I first tried to go down on her she'd push me away. After a few years I got fed up with it . So we had it out , I had to tell her I wasn't doing it for her I was doing it because I enjoyed it. This actually changed her whole sexual outlook. she now asks for it and orgasm quickest from it.
If you care for this man you need to be confident and understand you are normal and he isn't and he needs help.
We all would never condone anyone being made to do something they don't want to. This usually applies to women. It comes down to you are you happy living without oral because with most other aspects of your life you are happy or do you need him to change. I have to say before I got married I did end a relationship because a girlfriend told me I'd have be happy not getting BJ's because she was never going to do it..
As well as this I can give you an even worse example than yours. My sister in law left here first husband who had mega upbringing issues ( his perants lived in filthy conditions). He would never be in front of her naked and would only have intercourse with here by putting his Willy through his PJ bottoms. When they had finished he would have to run to the bathroom to wash himself. She tried to get him help but he refused.
I hope you don't think I'm being rude here, but that's really not my intentions.
A lot of people are saying he's mean and it's disgusting he's said that, but there is also a chance that he doesn't like the smell! He might not be saying it to be rude, you might have a problem that you're unaware of. Like someone else said, being overly clean can cause problems. A vagina is a self-cleaning organ, just like our eye balls and although it's hygienic to clean, over cleaning will have a negative impact.
Maybe he's just telling you the reason why. He probably wants to give you oral but doesn't like it because of the smell and wants to be 100% honest. Now this could just be that he doesn't like the smell of vaginas in general, and not just yours, or it might be a personal problem he has with the smell of yours.
I think it's maybe jumping the gun by saying he's a nasty person when really, no one on this forum who has commented has been able to smell your vagina! I know that sounds a bit too much, but it's true. I think you both need to talk about this more together and get to the bottom of the problem. He might just have an overly sensitive nose or something else but you need to get to the bottom of it.
Have you tried using washes and wipes that are specifically for cleaning your vagina? If you're cleaning with normal soaps this might be making you smell without you knowing. The ph levels of a vagina are very specific and being too much on the acidic or alkaline side things can change drastically.
He might just be trying to be kind and letting you know about the problem without being nasty but obviously there's no nice way to say it. Again, this might not be you, it might just be his nose or generally not liking the smell of any vaginas! After all it has taken you 5.5 years to find out the reason.
I hope you can get to the bottom of things and find a solution :)
See, I am sat in the middle here, because one side of my brain is saying "omg, how hurtful" (If my guy said this to me, I would feel the same way and not ever want him to go near me again....even sex, i'd be like...erm, can he smell me from this angle?) Yeah it is extremely awkward because we are all highly sensitive of hearing our partner and lover tell us we repulse them in some way.
Yet the other side of my brain is saying "Hey, we all have preferences and we are all advocates for consent and respecting our partners choices and if he doesn't like it, then that doesn't make him a shit person. It just means he has a preference or in this case ad adversion to a certain act."
We are all entitled to our preferences and to not do what we do not want to do and despite the fact that he reeeeeeally should have worded this better, at least he was trying to be honest with you as to his reasons.
Like MrsMc says, it could be that he has always had this aversion. It could be that he once had a bad experience, or that he has always hated that particular smell, or that he is squeamish about body fluid smells, or your particular smell (We all have a unique smell)...oh the list goes on.
I am guessing right now you will find it pointless to even discover why he feels that way, because it is hurtful and upsetting and like you said, it will be on your mind even if he tried it now. I think this will take a lot of talking through, on both sides, or perhaps an acceptance that he does not like the smell (or maybe it is the act altogether) and continue without it.
That is why I am in two minds....because despite me believing he is right to have a choice and was just being honest (which I think is a good thing) I think if this were me, my confidence would plummet and I would not want to have sex anymore, knowing he felt that way about my vagina.
Wow, really difficult one. I guess we can all learn from this....that certain things need to be handled with more tact, because it can hurt!