have a real dilema, and dont know what to do at all and it keeps going around in my head i dont know where to turn.
i am very sexually active and very open to there point of with a few exceptions there is nothing i wont try at least once, and i have some things i want to do which have become sexual fantasies and have told my wife who isnt as adventerous as me at all about them and she has said she wouldnt feel comfortable at all with doing them and really doesnt want to.
my problem isnt just that she is refusing but every single one of my sexual fantasies but each one she has asked of me even if i havent really liked or enjoyed it i have done it as many times as she has wanted because i know that it give her a thrill and its making her happy and sexually very satisfied and when she has asked me if i liked it have been honest with her and said i didnt but if she did ill do it again for her anytime because its knowing im making her happy.
I kind of feel like im being greedy by being annoyed about her not wanting to do mine but at the same time feel like she isnt even happy to meet me half way.
if anyone can help me here please any suggestions/advice is greatly welcomed
I would suggest buying a game like monogamy. It's a fun way to introduce very vanilla versions of some nice fantasies. She might discover upon trying some of them that actually she enjoys them.
I wouldn't suggest pushing her into anything she doesn't enjoy - but just because she might balk at (for example) the idea of top to toe PVC complete with gimp mask doesn't mean that she would refuse to be tied up with pretty ribbons.
You could introduce her to the softer side of sensation play by using feathers, then soft soothing floggers then introduce other things.
Maybe there are milder versions of thngs that you like that aren't so intimidating to her.
Taking it very slow and gentle is always the key, there have been some very good threads on this subject on the IAR forum (rubberist.net) with a lot of feedback from people (couples included) introducing their OH to rubber / kink (sometimes after years of vanilla marriage).
Obviously you won't always get it all your own way, but "SURPRISE GIMP MASK!" (for example) is going to put her off before you've begun. Being honest (with her and yourself) is key, but that doesn't mean you have to bombard her with the full horror of your fantasies the first time she asks.
I'm finding show-and-tell sessions of bits of my collection work quite well as there's no pressure - she can rummage about, ignore things she doesn't like the look of, and investigate ones she does.
The problem will lie with if she expects you to fulfill her fantasies? If she has no expectations but you choose to do them anyway then you have no right to be angry with her for refusing yours. She doesn't "owe" you anything.
However - part of being in a loving relationship is wanting to put the effort into making each other happy and this means keeping a happy sex life too. You cannot force your wife to do as you want and you shouldn't pressure her either but you can gently encourage her to *try* things.
We go by a "I'll try anything once* rule. If there is something WandA really wants (and I'm not totally adverse too - if it goes against my beliefs then I still hold the right to say no) then I will try it once - if I don't like it then we never have to do it again, at least I have tried! The same is true in reverse.
Maybe if you bring your fantasies gradually into your play - we talk about fantasies in bed, add them into dirty talk and turn each other on - knowing there is no obligation means we can enjoy the fantasy together as *just* a fatasy but allows you to get more used to the idea and gradually your partner may feel with time it's not as bad as she thought.
Also - by explaining what it is about the fantasy you like might help her become more used to the idea. For example - I when my partner grabs me by the throat but it sounds scary like that, when I explain that I like when my partner is in charge and control and I am his play thing, its less about the action and more about the feelings. If your partner doesn't like the action but can understand your feelings she may attempt to give you those feelings in another way until she is ready to try what you want - using my above example - if my partner were uncomfortable with grabbing my throat, he could use the fact that I like being controlled and use words to control me until he felt able to control me physically.
Does that make sense?
I've always found that talking is the best option but don't make your partner feel like you expect anything, just let her know you would appreciate her trying some of your tamer fantasies and you will make her feel as comfortable as you can if she will be willing to give them a go - she may like the ideas but just be too scared about how to put them into practise.
Hi i'd be interested to see some of the advice on here, i'm feeling the same at the moment, my husband knows i will do anything he wants me to but he is a bit selfish and set in his ways we have the manogomy game and loved it but we haven't had time to play it since we first got it, i'm always wanting to try new things but he's not. The thing is in every other way he is the kinest most considerate man ever! I feel for you Adam! x
I think this raises a very interesting point. We all tend to take the stance that no one should do things they don't want to.
However, I think in a monogamous relationship we need to be very mindful about our refusals as we are inflicting our will on the other - we are effectively saying "I won't do that and, because we are in a life-long exclusive relationship, you will also never get to do it". Perhaps we really aught to think of it in exactly those terms before refusing. Just assuming the naysayer automatically has the moral ascendancy in such a relationship seems to me totally wrong and potentially very destructive.
As I have said before, in a loving relationship the boundary between what pleases your partner and what you want to do gets very blurred. I find it difficult to say if I find something inherently pleasurable because, if it gives my wife pleasure then I really want to do it anyway. Having said that we both had rather strict upbringings and there is no doubt that this was an inhibiting factor in our sex lives for many years. I suppose there is the "what would mother think if she know" thing going on in the back of the mind and that is a problem (especially if you know the answer would be "horrified"). Perhaps this is a factor in your situation.
I think you need to prioritise the fantasies and pick perhaps the one you would like to indulge most and be open and discuss that with your wife. Try to have your reasons clear in your own mind so that you can explain clearly why you want to do it and see if there is some mid-ground, some stepping stones, towards what you want.
I was very lucky, and not a little surprised that my wife agreed to peg me - my one weakness :-). However, from several threads on the web I have seen that lots of women have, at least initially, been horrified by their husband's pegging requests. It seems to help when they find out that the idea isn't that unusual or extreme and that it isn't confined to a tiny number of total weirdos. So having a few web links sorted out could be good so she can read about it if she wants to.
thank you for the advice, i actually did buy that game and it did spice things up abit
maybe devote an entire afternoon to it - enjoy a game then discuss which bits you & she enjoyed the most, which bits you & she would like to explore further, things that either of you hoped would turn up on a card but didn't. Develop things that way.
I was initially wary of the whole "bondage kit" (ball-gag, whip, flogger, etc) that attracted hubby's attention in a high-street store, but having been introduced to the experience gently through light spanking & light bondage I've found that I love it. I've gone full circle from sceptic to enthusiast where BDSM is concerned.
You don't say what you're trying to persuade your wife to enjoy with you but the same principles apply. If it's your dream to have anal sex with her, a little rimming next time you're down in that area might open her eyes to the pleasant sensations to be had in that area.
Obviously you shouldn't force her into anything but a bit of gentle coaxing might mean you both discover things you love to do together.
When considering new things I tend to work through the following:
- Is it in any way physically dangerous / hazardous to health (eg breathplay could be, but 99% of stuff is not)
- Is it physically possible? (a new toy may seem big, but it must work for someone or they would never sell any)
- Is it enjoyable (google it, are there hundreds of sites dedicated to it, stuffed with people who enjoy it, or are you really a lone freak?)
- How will it work? (some fantasies don't translate so easily, or sexily, to reality, so think through how a real scene with your OH might actually play out to avoid akward or embarrassing experiences)
Often people will either go "eugh, no!" to a new thing as a knee-jerk reaction, but if you think it through often the only thing stopping you is your own preconception or social prejudices about it. For example, how many straight guys are missing out on bum fun because it's "only for gays"?
I tried writing my wife a script last week - and it took into account both what I wanted and some of what she wanted. It also gave her the freedom to have a bit of a say in what we did, as the fantasy for me (and what I wrote) was for her to tie me up, enabling her to take control.
It really seemed to work (and Ive written the script pretty much word for word on my blog, if you're interested). It may not be any good to anyone else but it really worked for me.
When considering new things I tend to work through the following:
- Is it in any way physically dangerous / hazardous to health (eg breathplay could be, but 99% of stuff is not)
- Is it physically possible? (a new toy may seem big, but it must work for someone or they would never sell any)
- Is it enjoyable (google it, are there hundreds of sites dedicated to it, stuffed with people who enjoy it, or are you really a lone freak?)
- How will it work? (some fantasies don't translate so easily, or sexily, to reality, so think through how a real scene with your OH might actually play out to avoid akward or embarrassing experiences)
Often people will either go "eugh, no!" to a new thing as a knee-jerk reaction, but if you think it through often the only thing stopping you is your own preconception or social prejudices about it. For example, how many straight guys are missing out on bum fun because it's "only for gays"?
- Is it enjoyable (google it, are there hundreds of sites dedicated to it, stuffed with people who enjoy it, or are you really a lone freak?)
I love that! x
It is quite true though - for everything from food to sex. If a million people out there are enjoying it, it's more than likely there's something enjoyable about it if you relax & give it a go. If you've got past point #1 (it's not physically hazardous) then the worst that can happen is you don't like it and therefore don't do it again.
This logic should not, of course, be scrutinised too closely or applied to things like religion External Media
what is it your wanting her to try..?? sorry if you said I re read too but cannot see what your wanting... :)
Gyrator53 wrote:
AdamKR - Thinking of the talk option I realise you haven't actually said what these fantasies are yet.
So come on, spill :-)
hi everyone, thank you so much for your advice
i have tried talking to her about it and things did start leading in the right direction, i did have this big fantasy where its a roleplay and she is a call girl, not that i want to be with a call girl just the idea of really naught dirty sex where i take the lead with what happens and what we do etc, she told me she would love to do that because she loves roleplay but has never happend and my other real big one is to have people not involved liked 3somes or anything but watching us getting down and dirty because i am very much an exhibitionist , and well it has lead to the point were well embarrassing to say we dont even have foreplay anymore let alone sex and now wont even sleep naked in bed with me even if she tells me she is really hot she would rather take the duvet off herself. i mean dont get me wrong i totally understand she is looking after our kids all day while im at work so will be tired, but its when im told something will happen tonight and it never does.
again i feel like im being really selfish and i do apologise to you all. and for re-assurance to you all i would NEVER force her into anything or make her do something she really doesnt want to do. its not my way and i wouldnt enjoy it if i see she isnt enjoying it either.
again thank you all for your advice and it really means alot to me that you all are wanting to help :)
by the sounds of it, its more the fact that she's not enthusiastic to get down too it quite as often as you'd like that's the issue rather than what you're doing with her? If she's exhausted (believe me, I know pure exhaustion!) then she won't feel prepared for the more adventurous sex through the week when she has no help with the kids. You might have regular sex but when a person is shattered they want gentle, lazy sex. Then come the weekend, when she has your help and can catch up on "her" time - she won't want to then put lots of effort into something that she may feel is mainly for you, she'll want to do something you both know you enjoy.
It's easy to get into a cycle of lazy sex through the week and catching up on stuff you already love at the weekend to then not have the chance to add in anything new.
I think talking is the best option - asking her what exactly she needs to help her feel more prepared to go through with the things she says she will. Ask her if taking the kids off her hands until they go to bed, giving her the chance to relax, have a bath and feel more energised would help?
Letting her know that you are asking for more effort on both parts (you and her) in a gentle way will allow you to put it into practise.
Then, on a completely unrelated day, you can gently take the lead....take care of the kids when you get home from work and send her straight up for a bath, try and time it so she'll be in the bath while the kids are asleep for a little while and then you'll have a little time to set up a sexy room. When she gets out of the bath, lay her down and give her a relaxing massage, oral, something she enjoys for a while then gently nudge in the direction of something you want to try...if you want to try roleplay, get an outfit together and tell her to go change and tell her once she comes back you will be "in character" but tell her a word to say if at all she wants to stop. Then take it from there.
As for the people watching fantasy, best to keep it as a fantasy until she feels ready, involving other people is a huge step and she has to feel completely comfortable - gentle nudging probably isn't a good idea there.
Probably useless advice here but I hope you can take something useful from it :)
i have tried talking to her about it and things did start leading in the right direction, i did have this big fantasy where its a roleplay and she is a call girl, not that i want to be with a call girl just the idea of really naught dirty sex where i take the lead with what happens and what we do etc, she told me she would love to do that because she loves roleplay but has never happend and my other real big one is to have people not involved liked 3somes or anything but watching us getting down and dirty because i am very much an exhibitionist , and well it has lead to the point were well embarrassing to say we dont even have foreplay anymore let alone sex and now wont even sleep naked in bed with me even if she tells me she is really hot she would rather take the duvet off herself. i mean dont get me wrong i totally understand she is looking after our kids all day while im at work so will be tired, but its when im told something will happen tonight and it never does.
What's her self esteem like? Alarm bells rang just there when you said about her not wanting to even sleep naked and she looks after the kids all day - could be that she's having body image issues? If she doesn't feel sexy anymore I can understand her wanting to keep covered up, even though in your mind she's the sexiest woman alive!!
I've no doubt you make her feel sexy and loved - you sound like a sensitive man. It's only a thought and I could be wrong, but it does sound like the problem is not so much her not wanting to try new things, but more about her having low confidence in her body. I've gone through periods of hating my body and sex was the last thing I wanted!
Are your children fairly young? She may still be coming to terms with how her body's changed after pregnancy, particularly if she's had more than one baby, she's going to feel very conscious of any stretch marks, weight gain, different body shape etc......even if she doesn't look any different to you she will feel it. Hormones change after pregnancy and childbirth and she may not feel the same 'down there' as she did before.
All these things are just suggestions and I could be barking up th wrong tree completley, but it does sound like there's a much deeper root to this issue than an unwillingness to try new things.
Try talking to her about how she feels about herself (gently and carefully!!) and just see what she says.
I hope the two of you can work it out soon and get back to enjoying a fullfilling sex life :-)
