Big problems

New to this whole opening up thing, to cut the story short my soon to be wife (hopefully) has suffered greatly over lockdown. It has really done a number on her head. She is now in a position where she is unsure if she wants to get married or even continue to be a couple. The odd thing is that she keeps acting as though she does. We have had sex on a number of occasions while we are “split up”. She has also assured me that I have not done anything to bring this on and that I am not at fault. She just doesn’t know what she wants anymore. To make things extra complicated, she has obviously been seeing her friends throughout this, that unfortunately includes her ex who is a friend of hers that has done nothing but show the desire to get in her pants any chance he can. I’m really at a loss and am struggling greatly as this has been occurring for over 2 or 3 months now. Any advice or help would be appreciated.

Thanks guys and gals.

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Not sounding too great mate, sounds like she is just taking the good bits from people. You need to sit down and have some honest hard conversations together about what is going on. Check there is nothing else going on in her life you don’t know about.


Oh bless you. What a horrid situation.
It strikes me that as @Toolman31 said a conversation is needed. I would say sooner rather than later to see whether she wants to work on things or not. She needs to be able to tell you as it sounds like she’s just keeping you hanging around for sex. U less you’re happy with that which it doesn’t sound like you are, its not fair.
Lockdown has been an awful time for a lot of us. She may consider some counselling to try and get her head straight. I take it that she hasn’t slept with her ex as you just say ‘trying’ so that’s something.
You could always distance yourself for a period of time, maybe a week or so before you have a conversation.

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Hi :heart: I usually live with some friends but I moved in with my OH through lockdown and my mental health suffered a ridiculous amount, I would’ve been horrible to live with a lot of the time :confused: She was so worried it was her making me feel that way and, like your partner, I had to keep reassuring her that it wasn’t her and I knew it was all in my head. I just needed a bit of my own space and time to clear my head, I think someone else mention a week or two apart but not a ‘break’ so maybe meet one night in the week to catch up :heart:

As for her ex/friend I think you need to talk to her about your worries. Make sure you’re telling her what’s scaring you about it NOT that you’re worried what she’s gonna do about it :heart:

Sorry to hear the @Headcrab28 it does seem to be as if she wants to do whatever she wants.
I had a problem with an Ex years ago where we were together and engaged looking at wedding venues, discussing kids names for when we were going to have children then one day out of the blue it was like it all changed she started giving me to cold shoulder and saying she didn’t want to do things. Then said she wanted a break but invited me to her birthday party where we hooked up then the cold shoulder. Eventually got back together went on holidays ended up a few times she said she was tired and wanted to stay in the room.
Eventually the same thing happened so I kinda got to the stage where I’d had enough we broke up and never looked back.
If the Ex is just trying to get in her pants I wouldn’t class that as a friend as surely it’s not going to help her in anyway.
The best you can do is talk to her and ask what she’s looking for the last thing you want is to be strung along for her to drop you when she wants.

Yikes! All I can think of suggesting is to try get things back to how they were with her and remind her of all the good stuff that makes you both a great couple.
Also open up to her about this too and talk. One of the best form of communication is talking

Thanks everyone for your ideas and contributions, I’m trying to distance myself but it’s very hard for me, I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic and find myself giving in constantly. I just want her to be happy and to make the right choice for her. Obviously I want that choice to be me. It’s all just a position I didn’t think I’d find myself in with her. We had a great life going, house stable jobs , getting married next year all sorted and planned. It’s just upsetting to know that my love is not enough.

Sounds like she has your head in a right spin, even if hers is too! I’d definitely agree with the others, try to take a bit of space but schedule a chat with her, where you can have a proper heart to heart. And as Go Girl said, you may need to he prepared to walk away

I don’t have anything to add to the great advice already given, but you sound like a lovely person and I think we can all tell just how much you care about her. I hope things soon become clearer for you x

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Thank you again all, the main problem with scheduling a chat is that we have spoken about things quite a few times and with us living together it makes things difficult. I mean there’s no cold shouldering in the house we talk, eat together play games together and things like that still. But obviously we are technically “not together” untill it’s all sorted. it’s a weird place to be.

Hey, I really feel for you on this.

Do you trust her? As obviously her ex can try as much as he likes to get in her pants however would she ever be tempted?

It sounds so awkward for you. But I would maybe say to her that until it is sorted you have to act like you are not together as it is just messing you about and that is not fair. She cant have a relationship with you whilst telling you that she isnt sure that is what she wants.

I have had very similar, so I do understand…brief explanation. Of my past.

Met guy… Moved in together…8 months later got engaged… 2 months later found out i was pregnant…2 months later he left. BUT was still around all the time, spending time with me. He even took me out on another date when I was pregnant etc etc. But then I found out he had in fact been cheating on me since we moved in together and also when he took me. Out on another 1st date he had actually got this other women pregnant and was still with her at the time!

I mean it goes on and on, but what I am trying to say is. I get sometimes it is hard to be around those we love and not see the situation for what it truely may be.

Obviously I am. Not implying ANYTHING like that is going on, but I would def. Not be acting couply if you are currently in a position where you are not together as that is really unfair on you in the long run.

Sending lots of support and love your way and I hope you both figure out what is best for you both. :blush:

I’d listen to her words, not her actions. As other people have suggested it’s a good time to talk. I think the sex and companionship can make a friendship feel like a relationship, so it’s important to establish boundaries.