Welcome to my world! As per my previous posts, I have resolved it by forcing myself to be open and shameless about all my fantasies in front of my wife, but part of it is having the conversation with her about always being the one who has to lead.
I now know she is never going to change and become the one to take control (apart from some small wins, see my post about men wearing knickers), but she does acknowledge I find it stressful, and she sympathises, which is half the battle.
I think it also encourages her to be a bit more kinky, in a runabout way - because when she understands the frustrations that hold our relationship back, it makes her more inclined to push some barriers, in order to compensate. So although she isn’t naturally kinky, she can be, sometimes. Best of all: when a person who isn’t normally kinky gets kinky, its more erotic that if it comes naturally to them. So you have a lot to gain.
As far as I can tell (and sincerely hope) your fantasies and sexuality are nothing illegal, immoral or dishonest, just not what some people would think of as ‘normal’. But that’s their problem, not yours.
You just have to avoid the mistake of clouding your own judgements with losers who really have no qualifications or right to decide what is acceptable, but love deciding for us. One of the benefits of being on a forum like this is you gain a lot from the company of people who are the opposite to people like that.
Keep trying. Just being on here and chatting with us is progress - and it is so worth it in the end.
Thank you @2xtourists. You’re completely right… my own viewpoints about what is normal is skewed and is something I’ve had to work on.
My fantasies are all legal, moral etc. they include, strap on’ s (receiving), BDSM (being the sub to a dom), cross dressing, bisexual/homosexual experiences… to name but a few… it took a lot to write that all down on a message, don’t think I’ve ever done that before but felt good writing these down.
Having read a lot of posts on the above it seems I’m not alone on the subject matters which is great but also seem so far from my life and current situation they do provide some level of additional frustration. However hearing from you that you’ve been through the same certainly helps so appreciate you sharing this with me.
It’s definitely a journey! How was your holiday? I hope you guys had a good time.
Can I ask about the therapist you have been seeing for 12 months - have they not been working with you on how to communicate with your partner?
If not, I find that puzzling - it sounds like you need to find someone to work with both of you to discuss the sex business.
In my own journey, we have come a long way. I’m still the one that drives our sex relationship, but I think that’s okay - we are still a team, and it’s really common.
Importantly, we have taken little steps frequently that have made a massive difference before you know it. The first thing we did together was just experiment with touch and textures and sensual play; blindfolds, laying on the bed, taking it in turns to just try using different things to give a light touch up and down each others back.
That ended up in some great sex. Now my wife is totally happy to be utterly open with me, take charge of her own pleasure with me and wear some dynamite kinky gear and work through a box of sex toys!
It took time to get there but the journey was wonderful (and still is). It’s probably different from what I originally hoped for, but it’s amazing and I feel blessed and deeply in love.
Ups and downs throughout, but it’s strengthened our bond. Sounds like you guys love each other, and that’s the key thing.
Hope it keeps heading in the right direction (sometimes it zig zags, but as long as it ultimately is going on the right path)
I discussed communication with the therapist a few times however I didn’t engage too much as I was just so nervous to even approach the subject with my other half.
As I mentioned above I have initiated the start of more conversations however it has led to her becoming rather insecure and feelings of I will leave her. I have reassured her that is not going to happen and gone out of my way to make her feel loved and wanted etc. I think I/we need to keep talking about things which will certainly help matters.
However, she has a stressful job, we have a 2 year old and we are looking to move house (we’ve been looking for about 3 years). I’ve been putting off this conversation for about 4 years because of a mixture of all the above. I finally plucked the courage to open some dialogue and knew the above reasons would come back around and take priority… we had a chat over the weekend and she said she is juggling so many things at the moment and is clearly finding our recent conversation stressful. It felt like another stress added to the list for her. We always are busy (I mean everyone is) and I’m just going to have to be really patient.
It feels good to have started the conversation however it made me realise how different we are and how we are at the opposite ends of the spectrum. Sex for her she said is the branch of a stable relationship and is just something that happens after once all the foundations parts like intimacy/closeness etc are all secure. Sex for me is much more of a foundation and is something which is far more important. Sex I believe then leads to greater intimacy/closeness etc. I also see it as a lot of fun and something to be enjoyed however she doesn’t see it that way.
The past 4 years I’ve known we are different and have put off having this conversation. I knew she wanted to try for a baby and we are both mid 30’s and I thought I can’t break up with her because the time to find someone else and try for a baby might be too late (she has some issues with getting pregnant but won’t go into detail).
I rightly or wrongly decided to have the baby which was for her. I of course love our baby more than anything (I certainly don’t regret having our baby, please don’t think that, just telling the truth about my feelings prior to the little one’s arrival) but I do find it difficult that the foundations of a relationship for me are not what they are for my other half.
My head then spins with all sorts of thoughts of, have I done the right thing? If only I had a Time Machine to go back and meet someone with the same foundations, I need to work at this with everything I have for the sake of the child etc etc.
All of the above doesn’t sound very productive at all which I appreciate but just expressing how I feel.
It feels we are a long way off from what “I” want and I’m not sure we will ever get to what I want. I do however need to give it more time and I’ve literally only told her about some of my thoughts/feelings and appreciate she isn’t a mind reader.
