Maybe just tell him you need an orgasm and are going to masturbate, he can watch or join in if he’s in the mood.
JoCat, yes it is.
We are all different and have been shaped by our past experiences so we all deal with things differently, whether rightly or wrongly.
I think there is some truth in this.
If we saw each other for four days we would have sex every day and now it’s maybe once a week I feel a bit cheated. Because I never know when to initiate sex as I don’t know every time he has sorted himself out and can’t bare the rejection then it’s never on my terms. I just feel lucky to get his attention and I go along with it because I don’t know the next time he will show me this attention.
I very rarely orgasm when we have sex but that’s not a problem for me, the pleasure and intimacy that sex gives me is what I’m after.
I find myself trying not to leave him alone during the day so that he can’t mastubate then maybe we will get to the evening and he’ll want to have sex instead but he’ll ask me to make him a cup of tea or something and I’ll dutifully do so and that’s when he bangs one out.
I realise this makes me sound a bit crazy and I’m aware I do have issues including massive ones around rejection and communication.
You say he’s grieving over something. Maybe a quick release with no emotional ties helps lift his mood with the endorphin release? You come across as quite insecure and jealous regarding the Facebook comments, and maybe he deleted the people he commented about to prove to you that it’s just you he wants? As others have said, you need to talk it through, but rest assured that just cos he masturbates, which he can probably do in a couple of minutes, doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to have sex with you. I hope this makes sense and tha you can sort it out.
1 Like
I don’t say this to be harsh, but this is massively unhealthy. And honestly, I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone who won’t give me a minutes peace.
What does he want? You keep talking about your wants and expectations etc but it doesn’t sound like you’ve ever spoken to him about his wants/needs.
You also need to work on you. You sound like you have a lot of insecurities and the only person who can make those better is you. I’m not saying he is faultless in this, and maybe he isn’t the right person for you, or at least the right person, right now. But you need to put the work in to yourself too.
1 Like
We sometimes don’t communicate properly over day to day issues but one of us will persist in digging until the other spills the beans.
We are lucky that when it comes to sex we can just blurt out whatever we are feeling, want, need etc…
It does seem that communicating is key to resolving your problem.
Maybe tell him you want to watch him having a wank coz it turns you on… Maybe sort yourself out at the same time.
Thank you for this.
I don’t think it’s harsh at all. I haven’t posted on here to get offended if someone says something I don’t agree with or that touches a nerve. I genuinely want all opinions and advice.
This is a really good idea, thank you.
Then any extra spontaneity would be a bonus.
2 Likes
As hard as it might be I think you need a conversation with him, express how you feel and how frustrated it makes you feel. I would try to keep off the bottle, alcohol will not solve anything. You really need to talk. Best of luck.
This similar spiral happened to us a few years back.
I was sort of where you are, we did have sex but not as often as I thought we “should” be. I knew he was sorting himself out more often than we were intimate together and it made me feel like he didn’t need me. That did not do my myriad of mental spirals any good. (Even though it was not true and he told me this)
I understand your feelings and you are not alone. Personally, looking back I recognise I was being very toxic in my thinking, and we could deep dive in to what that means but to keep this concise, here’s some things that have helped me so far.
-
talk to him. You mentioned in a reply that you don’t orgasm from sex. I couldn’t for a while either due to medication but neither of us knew this. It turned out he was feeling bad that I couldn’t and that festered in to feelings of inadequacy that he didn’t know how to deal with or talk about so instead our frequency dropped to prevent that whole spiral from repeating itself. Once we had a conversation and realised where the problem was and agreed to work on things differently to what we were used to, things improved. I didn’t realise how affected he was by me, because I, like you, still very much enjoyed it and made that clear. You just don’t know what’s become a misunderstanding or if there is something that could be fixed through a gentle and honest conversation. I am off medication now and no longer have this issue but I thought I would mention it because even if you are okay with not orgasming, he might not be.
-
masturbation is not a replacement. If masturbation alone was satisfactory enough, people would not seek out partners. But it can be a habit and a stress reliever and everyone deserves time to themselves.
-
create a safe space for sharing. As our journey has progressed and I have had to undo my toxic behaviours and reform new beliefs and structures, I found that becoming more open with him has helped him feel more relaxed about it, and therefore less secretive….therefore, I feel less “left out”
So I would ask what kind of porn he likes, we shopped for toys together and I started giving him a “hand”,(with permission! And prior conversation!) told him when I had taken care of myself, and normalised the whole thing. Now we will do it together, to each other, and alone.
All this of course is just based on what I’ve understood. I need to keep this short but personally open and honest conversations have been what has helped us. You’ll need to find out if he’s okay and if there’s anything on his side that can be discussed.
But don’t do what I did and let it fester to the point of madness. Don’t accidentally create someone in yourself that he wouldn’t want to have sex with - it becomes a vicious cycle and talking out your feelings if not with him, then with a trusted friend or even counsellor will help you process these thoughts and feelings and hopefully turn them in to more helpful ones.
4 Likes
Thank you so much for sharing this with me MrsSaffa. I wish I could message you because you sound like you had a similar headspace and thoughts as I do.
I know I need help and have been on the waiting list for interpersonal therapy for months now.
I feel like my thoughts are very toxic but when you only have yourself and your own head to play things over in it exacerbates and spirals and gets worse like there’s no way out and I’m the problem.
I know I have issues with other things such as self worth etc but things can’t get better unless steps are taken and feelng wanted, desired and attractive sexually would make me feel closer to my man and able to disclose and trust so I can grow and get better…
Again, thank you so much I really think this is the most useful reply I’ve had yet.
I’m not sure I would be able to partake in mutual mastubation. I can really struggle with being so open and vulnerable as this would need me to be.
Truth is Men Masterbate…Men love to masterbate, have sex with with him 3 times a day and he will still find time to masterbate. it’s a curse us men are born with we can’t control it …lol
1 Like
I wish this was true.
One cum and he’s done
.
I find myself trying not to leave him alone during the day so that he can’t mastubate then maybe we will get to the evening and he’ll want to have sex instead.
Oh my.
Give the poor lad a break.
Relationships are all about moulding ourselves around each other in an environment where we feel free to be who we really are.
If any of my partners tried to stop me enjoying me time they’d have been off the cliff by the end of the day.
2 Likes
I get what you’re saying, I think, but what about our time?
How can we have any intimate time if he bangs one out every day?
Why aren’t I good enough for his release?
And why do I have to stifle my sexuality so he can do what he wants?
I think you have a lot to work on, I’d contact your GP to see if there’s any sessions they can help you with, I had sexual therapy for my past sexual trauma, and it did me wonders.
I think you need to deal with your demons, and what the root cause is. Relationships are a 2 way thing, you both have to work at it and communicate.
He’s not in the wrong for wanting to sort his sexual needs out, it maybe he’s feeling suffocated and pressured himself. I know if I feel like I have to perform then I recoil and disconnect.
Masterbation is a short term energy release behaviour (sterb for short) and energy release behaviours are a form of coping with grief, stress,anxiety etc.
There are over 40 different types of grief and different ways of dealing with it.
Now I’m not excusing some of his behaviour but it may help to find out what his particular grief is and work from there.
Sometimes it’s hard to see or except that we are in a situation that needed more thought , long distance relationships rarely show every trait of s person ,it’s easy to be nice at the weekend
This should be the honeymoon stage , the fact that it’s tough now is something you needs addressing
Talk to him without raising your voice ,tell him how you feel ,communication is the foundation of a good relationship
@redrose135
I feel for you, it is a torturous headspace to be in.
If he’s grieving I probably wouldn’t bring things up right now, wait until there is a better time.
In the meantime really start seeing where your sense of worth comes from, if you are like me, highly dependant on outside sources, then it’s time to start searching within, and building back your sense of worth from a place that is not easily destroyed by the actions of others.
How on earth do we do this? Start with the thoughts. Figure out which thoughts send you in to a spiral, and stop them short when they form. Replace with with something positive or thankfulness. If like me, you struggle to find anything positive with yourself, start with your health. Make it super simple at first and the rest will start to follow. “I am thankful I have the ability to see the blue sky today”.
Expect to do this multiple times a minute at first.
We crave that feeling from others but even your soul mate can disappoint you, because they are people, people are imperfect. They have their own inner demons to contend with. Deriving your self worth from them is an immense amount of pressure on them.
I think once he’s in a better place a conversation still needs to be had to find out if there is anything on his side that explains his behaviour, but before then I recommend getting your own head in to a better place, and trust me, it can be done.
Don’t get me wrong, your partner should be doing partner-like things such as saying nice things to you and treating you well etc etc so if that’s lacking then you need to talk about it but there are seasons where that might drop off due to stress, work issues, financial worries, kids, grief, moving to a new city, you name it. What you want is to not crash and burn when they are going through those phases when they haven’t got as much to give out.
Communication is so repeated on this forum but there is a reason for it, it is so important, and be prepared that maybe they’ve been feeling a certain way about you and where you’ve been lacking. Remember to try and not respond in anger or judgement because this does absolutely nothing to help either of you.
I am no counsellor - everything I say is just based off my experience, so take from it what you want. But I really hope you find some peace and eventually resolution.
1 Like