Please no judgemental comments! So I’ve been with my bf for many years and we get along great. However I had a traumatic sexual experience in my teenage years. I’m starting to realise and accept that this experience impacts me to this day and with my intemacy with my bf. I don’t want to go into details but I least feel used and dirty, no matter how much my bf tries. Sexual encounters have become very little and short. Some of this is down to my constant rejection of my bf , even though I actually want intemacy with him! I know it makes no sense. The fact with have so little intemacy means that when we do my bf cums very quickly, this gets me so angry. Yet I would never initiate intemacy or welcome his advances. It’s years of me building this unhealthy sexual behaviour and I want to change my outlook and behaviour. Years of withholding myself means, that despite being in a relationship, I have very little sexual experience or knowledge. I don’t even know how to engage in foreplay with my bf, I don’t know what I want etc. My question is, how do I change? How do I learn?
Sorry about all the mistakes in the aboveboard message autocorrect and I don’t know how to edit a post 😱 hopefully you will undertake what I’m trying to ask.
First of all no one here is going to be judgemental of you, secondly no need to apologise whatsoever :)
I would suggest talking to a Councillar who specifies in sexual relations. That said maybe some one here has had similar issues and can give you some form of advice.
@bluebox firstly well done for not only realizing that there is an issue but also asking for the forums help. I love a list and if you were to make one now those are two big items ticked off. Be proud of yourself. I agree with DwP that a good counselor would be my first thought. However I think my next point on the list would be to express to your bf that you want to change - that you aren't sure yet how you achieve this but maybe mark out and share with him what you want as an end goal. This will give him the opportunity to support you, understand what you are thinking and hopefully reassure you that you can together change things. Remember the difficulties are shared with him and you don't know his thoughts. If talking is hard a letter, email or text maybe. Good luck x
Hi Blue, First of all well done for opening up. Asking for help is a massive step so be proud. I don’t know if it will help and it’s nothing like what you’ve been through. But I’ve had a very slightly similar problem in that I can’t initiate any touching. I came out of a relationship with an emotionally abusive partner a while ago and since then I realised that a couple of behaviours forced on me during that time have stayed. I used to be very touchy feely person even day to day and now can’t touch or kiss another person unless they touch me first. It’s frustrating to know that my ex telling me off has affected me in the long term and I was deeply ashamed and put pressure on myself to change which In turn made me more nervous and didn’t help. My advice to you is to not rush yourself, speak to your partner about it openly. I’ve recently taken on a massively supportive lover and almost wept when I kissed him on my initiation. The communication that we’d had before helped me get over the fear of rejection. And mutual mastication is always fun so maybe that will help in the meantime? Xo
absolutely hats off to you for asking my OH when through a trauma when she was young a year before we got together and all I can say is to sit your boyfriend down and talk about this tell him all your worries its one of the scariest things you can do but honestly your life will change for the better it took me and the oh to find a comfy middle ground till we could then evolve our relationship and now we are 8 years together turning 9
Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. Some of the replies hit me really hard so it’s taken me a bit of time to reply. In the past My oh has suggested i speak to a therapist but I’ve always taken this as an insult. Once when I approached my doctor for support she told me it hadn’t been that bad and others have much worse experiences so I should just put it behind me. Since then I’ve just tried to bury it. Hearing it from others has made me feel I should consider it as part of my healing process.thank you for being so kind and supportive
If your own doctor tries to downplay your own feelings about something, I'd find another doctor, no way should they be saying that because (in their opinion) your experience was not as bad as others, your experience was your experience, not theirs to judge.
I'd also say you probably have to learn to love yourself first, not necessarily masturbation, but taking time for yourself, being able to relax and be mindful about what is going on. A bath, laying down and clearing your mind, meditation or yoga if thats your thing and then building up your connection to your own body in a positive way.
I would think only then could you look to enhance the physical side with your boyfriend. To that end, I think it will take quite a frank discussion, let him know what steps you are taking to heal yourself and that for now, you need space. "letting him" have an affair is probably a step too far, but I would certainly encourage him to fend for himself, perhaps together buy some male oriented toys for him to use and encourage him to do so. Just keep communication open and work together towards shared intimacy. That may mean actual sex or sexual contact between you is off the cards for the foreseeable future, but that by doing this now, you'll get to a much better place and be stronger for it.
Good luck with how you proceed
Hi there,
It feels like you and me share something common here.
I also didnt knew what I wanted in bed exactly.
However, you explore as you keep on trying. Lets be honest with our partners; and share to them how you felt there. What could be done to make it better. Know from your partner as well, what he wants. Together we can explore our fantasies....
Well done for speaking out and admitting to yourself that you want to change - must be hard. I agree with others, that you'd do well to seek advice from a councillor/therapist. While GPs may well be excellent at what they do, rarely are they experts in everything. Also sounds like chatting to your bf would be good, you need to reduce the pressure on you - perhaps suggest a foreplay session where you're in control and there's no expectation that it'll turn into sex. Perhaps have a safe word agreed so you can stop if you're not comfortable, might help you relax more.
Didn't want to read and go! I've not been in same situation as u however I had on going trauma in my teens that kept coming bk to haunt me with family members constant digs which made me mad! Lucky I have an amazing husband and few years ago after another dig which left me crying alone and having many many panic attacks I just decided that's it !! This past trauma and present digs will no longer control my future! I had good cry and scream and then said to my husband from this day I'm in control, any negativity in my life has gone and I don't put up with it! I'm so shocked the strength I got and continue to have to take back control! I know this is something completely different to you! But I want to say u are stronger than u realise and taking control is easier than u believe! It took me over 30 years but I've never looked bk! Keep smiling it's powerful !
Hi bluebox,
A close friend went through a terrible time for over 20 years after being sexually assaulted in his late teens by an older guy. He's ok now, but lived with really difficult emotions for far too long. I hope his story can help you in some way to find your own answers & some peace.
I should at this point give a trigger warning: this is a description of the traumatic headspace after a sexual assault. Please be warned!
The first difficulty for him was that he blamed himself for what had happened. It took him a long time come to terms with the idea that he had not invited, or given meaningful consent to the sexual acts performed. He had been manupulated into the situation against his wishes. He interpreted his inaction with 'inviting' the assault. At the time he completely froze and let the assault carry on, in order to 'get it over and done with'. He says he gave no signs to show his attacker that he had any enthusiasm for what happened. To complicate things, as is common with so many victims, he's understood through a few sessions of private trauma counselling that his body produced an involuntary rush of oxytocin (the love hormone) and massive amounts of adrenaline during his ordeal. The result was physical shock, and confused emotions afterwards.
After this trauma, he had extremely difficult feelings of guilt and shame associated with sexual pleasure. He felt 'dirty' whenever he had sex. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable. Between consenting adults, sex should be about about mutual pleasure. So reclaiming his sexual desire & his emotions from this dark place of shame & guilt was understandably a huge turning point in his life.
Recognising that he'd been assaulted, that it wasn't his fault, and despite what he'd felt during and afterwards, he wasn't some sort of deviant, was all it took for him. He managed to eventually compartmentalise the whole thing as something outside normal consensual sex, and separate it from his own perfectly healthy loving emotions and desires.
I hope, whatever journey you take you can reclaim your own sexual pleasures and make a clean break from your traumatic past. 💕