Can I really change?

Off-Topic Chat
1

So I mentioned this in the good morning thread but don't want keep bringing it down with my problems, I just need to get something off my chest.

Im having trust issues in my relationship, not because my man is untrustworthy or gives solid reason for distrust, but because I'm convinced I'm worth nothing, he can do a million times better and at times I genuinely believe he hates me. I know it's not true but I can't stop it, because I genuinely believe it and you can't just change your thoughts. I've been going through a bad few days and really putting some thought into me and I've come to a pretty scary conclusion.

ive been self harming since I was 12 obviously not cutting or burning to start but inflicting pain to cope with stress. Moved onto major stuff around 14. Stopped when I was 18 and met OH, he really did help me so much and for ages I was almost normal, but you know how relationships settle down, he used to text me constantly, and be so excited to see me naked, now he isn't as much, and I think that's what set me off thinking he was sick of me, and why wouldn't he be I'm annoying.

but I've started looking further back, trying to figure out where all this came from, reading about self worth it turns out I have 0 and I've concluded its because of a few things, I've never fit it- my sisters are twins and very alike whereas I'm totally different, and I never spent more than two years at primary school as a break down 1.5-0.5-2-0.5-1-1.5 so I was always the new kid and never made any friends, now I'm so antisocial and still don't have any. My dad never wanted me, he always used to insult me to my mum while I was stood right there, I was a tramp because I didn't have nice clothes, he didn't know what to do with me because I'm a girl, I'm hard work, I'm a brat, I was never good enough yet my younger brother was everything.

I've gone all the way back, and I think I've been depressed since I was 6. 6! When my nana died and I moved from my first school, I don't remember ever feeling happy or comfortable in myself from 6 until I met OH.

my question is, if I've always been this way, it's the only way I know, how the hell am I meant to find myself when the last time I was myself I was 6?!

Sorry for the looooong rant, I just needed to say it all

2

Good for you getting that off your chest, I'm sorry if my response seems cold/clinical but ironically, despite having a similar history of self harm and mental health issues beginning in childhood, I can't deal with talking about things very well.

When you say 'you can't just change your thoughts', well, that's quite likely exactly what any therapist would try to help you with. You can change how you react to your thoughts, which over time both lessens the hold those thoughts have on you and lessens the frequency with which they pop up.

I remember some years ago while at my lowest, I asked my therapist was there any way I could change. She launched into a tirade about how it wasn't likely that I would stop having the invasive thoughts anytime soon, and that since I was so young when it all began and it was left unchecked for so many years there's a good chance my depression and my way of thinking were interchangeable (as you say, it's the only way I knew how to be). I was heartbroken by this as I took it as a 'no, you're never going to get better'.

But what she meant was that I may struggle with it for the rest of my life, but I could learn the tools to help me cope with it which in this context involves challenging negative/invasive thoughts. That means taking things I genuinely believe to be true even though objectively I know are false, whether that's that I'm worthless or that my house is going to burn down, and challenging them until I just can't believe it anymore. Obviously some things are deeply ingrained and it's not like the first time you challenge a thought it goes away, but over time it helps and in the instant it helps you move away from the thought calmly and get on with your day.

Have you ever tried this with a therapist? (I don't want to ramble on at you about how it works in case you already know all about it!). If that's not something you want to do or it hasn't worked for you before, you can get self help books that you can work through at home. It can be stupidly hard since you have to do all the work and your mind is fighting you at every step to give up or to believe the irrational crap it's throwing at you, I know I had to stop and start a few times with a few different people before I could get anywhere with it. But it's worth it in the long run and it WILL work. It might not have worked before, it might not work now, but it will work if you just keep challenging those thoughts.

Also just wanted to say that I thought your reaction to that text was entirely understandable, especially considering your OH seemed to turn it round and start a discussion basically blaming you for your reaction when in fact I daresay any one of us would have that jolt of sickening dread. Don't let people pin everything on you, yes you're the one reacting to things but that doesn't mean everytime you react in that way it isn't justified. It's easy for others to hide behind 'oh you've just got issues' and never take responsibility for their own actions being what is causing us pain. In that case, I definitely think your OH owed you not nessecarily a better explaination, but a more thorough discussion that didn't just revolve around you and why it was your issues that were the problem. Er, no, it was his behaviour that was suspicious. Giving out his number, sending a text then deleting it, then blaming you like it's not his fault this situation is happening (when it is his fault) is what the problem is :/

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now, I wish I could say something actually useful that would help. I hope you find something that helps you through this <3

3

Lovebirds_x, as always, has left little else to be said. So much so that I feel rather silly replying with a few lines after her, but I wanted to show my support for a wonderful, generous woman. I know this won't count for much, but you're far from worthless to everyone on this forum and everyone worth a damn elsewhere.

You are Incredible. Evenrything I've seen of you here tells me that much.

4

Maybe something like this would help, using the text message as an example.

when you are having doubts, write down the facts you know. In this case it would be the text message. Then write down every possible scenario you could think of. You could have a list ranging from 1. He has cheated on you, to 10. He did text his mate but they replied on a different phone.

have an objective look at your list and try to think what someone else might think. Also try and rationalise the most possible outcome based on what you know about your oh and the situation. Would his mates really cover for him if he met a woman whilst out with them? Is he the type of guy that would go off with another woman knowing his mates would know what he was up to?

Over time you might find that thinking of all the possibilities helps you to think calmly about the situation rather than immediately thinking the worst and then confronting your oh who may be oblivious to what hes done wrong if he hasnt done anything.

It can happen to anyone though, even if they are content in their relationship. I had a bit of a blip when my husband, who had a payg phone that he rarely used, got a contract phone and suddenly was texting non stop! I would get annoyed at the constant text tone going off and he was always arsey when i asked who it was. I knew it wasnt another woman, but his reluctance to say who it was made me a bit paranoid that maybe it was! Eventually he told me who it was and the whole thing went away. Now i feel silly for thinking that way, but it really does get under your skin and its hard to shake until you know the truth.

With regards to the naked thing, i think thats probably true of the majority of couples. Relationships settle and the initial excotement does go. It comes back again but its never the same as early on. Personally i prefer that as its easier to feel comfortable with your body in a relationship without panicking the other person will be turned off.

5

Get two boxes. Collect all your good memories I.e photographs, cards, write down any nice personal and positive memories you have and put them in one box and always keep it somewhere accessible to remind you of good times and positive things about yourself. Then write down all your bad memories and put them in another box along with any physical items that give you bad memories/negative feelings. Lock the 2nd box and either burn it or bury it!!! I know this only seems symbolic but surrounding yourself with positive memories and good thoughts and getting rid of those bad memories/negative thoughts may help. Try to learn to love yourself then you will find it easier to accept the love of others. Good luck with your future and keep your chin up things WILL get better x

6

Hun... I feel your pain.I had 20 years in a relationship that I didn't see was abusive...until I had police involved to stop him from beating me black and blue! .
When I left for a refuge, my self esteem was at its lowest... And I found it hard to feel any glimmer of enthusiasm for life.
I went on a domestic abuse course called the freedom programme to help me come to terms with all those negative thoughts and backward reasonings to .e that I deserved it..or I caused all my exes aggressive behaviour.
It helped..but I also got help via the just talk NHS line ..to do some of the online courses for self help.I also contacted the local college to do a " positiveness and assertiveness course for women" . this was fab as I had to attend a group to talk through things and learn how to express myself again .
I am still quite a shy person, and I cover it up by being a bit extrovert now ( scouting has helped me to do that!) But ultimately, you need to find yourself in an environment, where you can actually see and hear you are not alone.
Reinforcing it with group/ courses over time do help...
Look after yourselve and learn to love you first...so you can appreciate it more when other s see the same in you.
You are a wonderful woman, and mental health is a hidden hurt...and takes far longer to solve.
The main thing is get some local support to help you though this time, to stop it spiraling out of control... You have all our support and love.
Xxxx

7

I mentioned counseling on another thread hon, I would encourage you to invest in your own well being and mental health. It is so important.

8

Reading your post I almost could have written it myself! I started cutting myself when I was 10 and carried on for years until I met my OH, then finally felt like I had the strength to change. I never really understood how I got so depressed at the age of 10, or why my self worth was so low, until I found my childhood diary the other day and realised that from the age of 5/6 onwards people treated me differently, I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere, and I felt let down by my loved ones. Those sorts of feelings can get so ingrained in to you, so that even as an adult you struggle to see things differently. I still think everyone hates me, even my own family and friends and members on here! But I recognise now that it's a problem I have with myself, not necessarily the other way round.

I have been to therapy on/off, but my most recent therapist really helped me. Instead of just talking about stuff, she would always explain to me how my thought process worked, and ways in which I could change it. She helped to build my self esteem a lot, and recommended a book to me called 'Loveability' by Robert Holden to help with this. It's really cheesy and I didn't get on with all of it, but some parts did make a difference.

I would strongly suggest seeking cognitive behavioural therapy (IAPT) if you aren't already, I'm sorry if that sounds condescending or whatever but it really can help to change your thought processes and how you deal with things. My best friend has struggled with crippling anxiety all of her life, to the point where she would hardly leave the house, but IAPT has turned things around for her completely.

And regarding the text message thing with your partner, I don't think you were in the wrong there at all. If that were me, I would also be concerned and upset, especially given the attempt to cover it up. The fact that he's trying to turn it around on you just says to me that he wants to avoid the conversation and make you feel bad, so you don't bring it up again. But you have nothing to be ashamed of, you haven't done anything wrong.

I don't think its neccessarily a case of 'finding yourself', but more so being able to accept yourself for who you are, and feel comfortable in your own skin. It's about recognising the strengths within you, not just the weaknesses, and valuing yourself as highly as you value others around you.

I hope you find what you need soon xxx

9

Yes you can change!

All our thoughts and belief systems become ingrained in us from an early age, so the longer we've had that belief/thought, the harder it may be to turn it around and challenge it. However, it will be so worth it, and with practice learning new ways of thinking will free you up so much mentally, you'll feel like a weight has been lifted.

As a child, my family emigrated to Australia 4 times between ages of me being 6 and half up to 17. The longest we were there was 4 years, when I was between 7-11, and were some of happiest years of my childhood. But the last 2 times, we were only there 3 months at a time. My dad seemed to manage it that we'd have a winter in Australia, and then move back to UK in autumn to a bleak depressing winter here. On too of that, we'd have no furniture for months as ours was being shipped to and fro (like us), and when we'd come back here, we'd stay with my grandparents for as long as we could stand until we found a house of our own. My grandfather was a very intolerant selfish man, who would watch TV all day, expect dinner on the table at 5 o'clock, and smoked like a chimney. He used to say I looked like a professor bloke off TV (don't know who he was actually referring to, think he was just senile, as well as being a mean old git). As a young teenage girl, with glasses and not the most fashionable clothes, it made me feel pretty shit. Also, my dad was /still is a pretty critical person, despite all the crap he put us though with the whole emigrating multiple times. He'd make me feel lazy if I was reading and not actively 'doing' something, and was pretty controlling in other respects. I just felt so happy when I went off to Uni, as I finally felt like I had some freedom and could live my life how I wanted to.

I have had a couple of mental health issues, with depression and anxiety. Two major 'breakdowns' in 2008 and 2013. After the time in 2008, I had CBT and it did really help. Also take antidepressants, which I have decided to stay on long term, as I never want to feel as bad as I felt in either 2008 or 2013. Suffice to say, my OH is really supportive, but he struggles to know how to help me when I've been really down, and rather ironically I ended up going to stay with my parents for a couple of months each time I went through a bad patch.

Now I'm a mum myself, I will do whatever I can to keep myself healthy, as I never want to not be there for my little one. She is too precious to do that to. Sorry I rambled on about my own crap, rather than give any real advice, but I identify with your self-worth issues.

now I just think life is too short to worry what other people think. I try to live how I want to, not how I feel other people expect me to. You only get one go at it after all.

10

Boo and Luv - wow, I got a lot from what you wrote as well. Boo I am going to get that book, cause we can always work on being our best self and loving outselves more.

11

(You've got some amazing advice here, and most of what I would have said has already been covered so this may be a pointless post. )

Change is not impossible for anyone, but you will probably always be suseptable on some level to these anxieties/depressive thoughts. I can empthatise with you on every level here, this could be my story almost to the letter, I too have beautiful older twin sisters who are perfect in everyway and the complete opposite of me, and a younger brother who has been worshipped by everyone for being the only boy.

I have had feelings of the 'world is pointless', 'I am worthless' and many suicidal thoughts for as long as I can rememeber. Nearly every female in my family has suffered from depression or other mental ilness. I went off the deep end at 16 after being assulted, emotionally blackmailed and becoming the object of obsession by my closest freind who turned out to be a Schitzophrenic.

I blamed myself for everything that happened, spiralled into depression and would also hurt myself because I beleived I desserved to be hurt. This developed into me using cutting as coping mechanism for my anxiety aswell as my depression. I had three breakdowns in the space of 6 months.

When I eventually went to the doctors (dragged by my sister, and I owe her my life for it). I was prescribed CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) because I refused point blank to go on meds. I think therefore that CBT could be your route considering how alike our expeirences seem to be.

I never went to my appointment because at the time I was incapable of accepting help. But I got out and cycled or walked everyday, I would go for hours, I would cry, scream and eventually calm myself down. I would compartmentalise all the things I didnt want to feel anymore. I would list them in my head before I went to bed, telling myself over and over that this was my depression talking NOT ME. I would consider all the good in life and everything I had to live for. And then one day, when these feelings started cropping up I just shut it off. And again the next day. It was hard. But I got there. Now whilst I still sometimes find those feelings stirring in me, I know I dont have to think that way.

So Officially yes you can change, I've done it, it was hard, but I got there.

Unfortunatley although it apears I have essentially carried out cognitive behavioural therapy on myself, I have been left emotional distant and cannot sit down and have a deep meaningful conversation with a person. I just shut down. Sometimes when I talk to people I do feel im just going through the motions of what I know people are supposed to say. I've never ever shared all of this with anyone before. I definatley reccomend going to see a spechalist because I've not done an amazing job at dealing with my depression and anxiety myself but my mind is still unrecognisable from what it was four years ago and I'm a much happier person for it all. I'm only 21 now and sometimes I feel like this all happened a lifetime ago.

I hope you find the help you need, and whilst I cant say much for your insecurities surrounding your OH I think (and maybe this sounds corny) you need to learn to love yourself because its hard to beleive someone else loves you when you can't see yourself as someone worth loving. Essentially you are reflecting your own thoughts and feelings of yourself onto him and beleiving that he must also feel this way about you, which I would suggest is not true at all, if he is with you its because he wants to be, stop doubting it.

Sending big hugs please dont ever feel like you can't change, you desserve to feel happy and secure and with some time spent on yourself it really can happen! :)

12

Echo32B - WOW, thank you for sharing. Hugs!

13

Thanks Vanessa, felt like I held my breath the whole time I was writing that. I cant just ignore a thread like this where someone needs help, because I know what would have happened to me if I hadn't woken up and realised that I desserved to be on this planet.

Sorry for 'oversharing' *hugs back tightly*

14

i do not trust man neither i do hope you can change i still trying to find one trust

15

No, I don't think it was an overshare when you are helping people by telling your story

16

Thanks for all your kind words guys, and for showing me I'm not the only one. I think I'm going to see a psychiatrist, I tried when I was around 17 but I don't think I was ready then,cal so tried cbt but I struggle because I agree with myself, it was all about looking at a situation and why I feel a certain way and questioning whether I should feel that way, but my answer was always "yes" and I kind of egged myself on instead of challenging myself.

I think I need to question OH about the text again, I just can't get past it until he gives me a proper answer. I think him and his mates started chatting to a group of girls and he's been focusing on one of them and asked for her number or she's asked for his, I think he texted her saying something along the lines of "thanks for keeping me company I had a great night xx" and she's replied with "your welcome, I had an amazing evening too xx" I'm just worried it's going to go further, I don't think he'd sleep with someone o no one night stand but I'm worried they're going to keep chatting and get close. His phone doesn't seem to be unattended whereas usually he doesn't even know where it is. I'm not even scared of him leaving me for someone, I'm scared off him having an affair, I could never leave him and it'd just destroy me.

ive seen pictures on his phone before of his married friend dancing with other women and with a lipstick mark on his cheek, and a picture of a pretty girl at a table in a pizza shop. I know he's attracted to skinny women, and I was pretty slim when he met me, now I'm 20kilo heavier, during sex there's a lot of talk about other women or skinny porn on, I just feel like he's not attracted to me anymore. I think if I lost weight all our problems would go away :/

17

Hi Y&F,

Think you need to get the truth out of your man about who he's been texting and why. You deserve that much, otherwise you'll make yourself miserable speculating what it might be. If he can't be honest with you, then you'd be better off without him, though I know you say you don't want to leave him.

As for losing weight, you need to do it because you want to do it for yourself, not just because you think he'll be happier with a slimmer you. At the end of the day, if he really cares about you, he won't cheat if you mean to him what he means to you. And if he does cheat, you deserve much better. Sorry if that is a bit blunt and doesn't give you the help you need, but maybe your self esteem needs some addressing. If you've lost confidence, you need to regain it. Good luck xx

18

I second everything Luv Bunny said, it sounds like he's not giving you a straight answer and using your mental health issues as an excuse to avoid the subject. You deserve a proper explanation.

As for the weight, I can see why you're concerned. I was a size 10-12 when I got together with my OH, 5 years on and I'm now a 16-18, largely due to the disability I acquired during that time. I don't feel sexy or attractive anymore, and I wonder how on earth he can think I'm attractive when I don't look like the same woman he originally fell for. With him though it's gone the other way! He much prefers me with more curves, and has hinted that if I'd like to loose weight he'd support me but I shouldn't feel pressure to be as thin as I was because he loves my body how it is. I feel like that's the same sort of support your partner should be giving you, after all it's the person inside that counts and not the exterior. I don't think it seems fair to be talking about other women and skinnier women during sex, seems disrespectful to me :/

Have you spoken to him about your feelings regarding the weight issue?

19

I don't want to bring it up again but I can't get over it without knowing, I dreamt of him cheating last night. I'm almost certain he'd never sleep with anyone but we have tight morals and rules on cheating, deleting texts so I won't see them is betrayal, he knows that, flirting with someone is betrayal. I don't understand why he'd do something like this but I don't even know that he has, it's so confusing!

20

Y&F, talk to him, and spare yourself the agony of going over it in your mind. Insist (nicely of course) that he is completely honest with you. If you can't trust him, then how will you move forward in your relationship??

Again good luck xx