cancer and sex sorry if i make anyone cry not intended

Sex Tips & Talk
1

hi, ladies and gents never really posted on a forum before but here goes I'm 26 and OH is 32.

I have been with my partner for over 8yrs now we have 3 beautiful children they are my world roughly four years ago my husband's father fell ill to cancer and sadly passed away.

3 years ago at this point, we went through a rough patch we became distant hardly spending time together, his drive completely vanished he then went on to have tests which indicated he has low T. Then started treatment but then our worlds came crashing down his health started to get worse.not even a year since his father passed away he became bed-bound rather rapidly with me caring for him and a 5yr with special needs and our at the time 12m old and 6m old baby which was a lot of strain on things.

He almost fully lost his vision and was getting terrible headaches we both constantly be up all night. Long most nights nursing him the headaches where that bad id go to the GPs with him just to make sure they were taking him seriously. We then had an ambulance out several times, as his vision headaches got worse. Then things got a lot worse for me to phone them again, to the point he was forgetting who he was and how old he was. This time they finally did a scan world crashes again with the heartbreaking news; he has a brain tumour. This was December 2016. They then went on to remove it, recovery started,  he luckily regained his vision and memory but not fully things slowly started to get better with his recovery.

But then I found being intimate again really hard to do being scared id hurt him or he wasn't well enough, even though he wanted it. Then came another scan to be done the beginning of July 2017, before this, we both finally arranged to get married at the end of July that year, but then he got results back with more bad news the tumour had returned. So they had to op again but was only able to remove 80%, so treatment will have to hopefully get rid of the rest. The op would have been the day of our wedding but they moved it forward a few days so we could get married, which luckily we did although it being our happiest day of our lives, it was also my saddest. At the back of my mind, all I could think of was how long id have left with him should have been crying with happiness instead I was dreading our future and our little one's future. So much happening in such a short space of time so from July 2017 to now he's been on the mend I'm always insisting he doesn't do too much and overdo it so I take the brunt of things but he's getting there bit by bit.

The hard thing I'm struggling with is sex between us through everything he's had to deal with it left him infertile and now finds it hard to gain an erection. We no longer have sex that often which isn't surprising with everything going on, but I've found when we do it really takes it out of him. Seems as if it does him more harm than good.

I don't really know what to do I love having sex and being intimate with him but should I stop with the impact it has on him? On the other hand, I crave the closeness and the intermate moments we share. Then in the back of my mind stop because of the effects it has on him. I could in essence be denying him of pleasure.

If this happens again and things turn to the worse I couldn't forgive myself.

We are now waiting for results, hopefully, this time will be all clear.

Sorry to go on so much but needed somewhere I could talk about this it's not really the easiest thing to talk with to family even more so being the quiet one.

2

if anyone who has had cancer or if with someone with cancer any advise would be appreciated thanks everyone

3

Wow thats alot to deal with! Im so sorry you've been through all that, you definately sound like you needed to get that all off your chest! Fingers crossed for the all clear!


Does he know how you feel about all the sex stuff?

Does he still struggle with positions where you would take the lead? Like 69 or you on top. Or even spooning ?

If thats still too much what about a vibe with a remote so he can control it and get you off but not actually have to exhert himself. And still have naked kisses and cuddles for that skin on skin intimacy

4

Thank you.

I guess in some odd ways it's opened up new ways for me, I wasn't really one for using toys before this and having a high sex drive I had to find other ways to deal with things my drive. Seems to be up and down like a yo-yo.

We have tried using toys together which really is nice to have when he doesn't have the energy for full sex or is too tired. He struggles with positions I'm always on top, but feel like that itself takes it out of him. But no he doesn't know fully I'm scared id make him feel even less of a man than he already does which I don't intend on doing. He says sorry so much when it isn't his fault when we try which I reassure him, but sex wise in general, we all fully open to each other and always both up to experimenting if and when possible.

5

Hey me me me me

I'm so very sorry you have both had to go through this horrendous experience, my love - my heart goes out to you.

You need plenty of support during this time - do you have a social worker and OT? How about specialist clinics such as seeing a neurophysiologist or neurologist - a rehabilitation clinic if your area has one is also invaluable to your husband's recovery.

His tumor and treatments have no doubt caused a brain injury - have you been advised about this?

One of the biggest problems people with brain injury suffer is fatigue - a fatigue so very very deep and not just 'very tired! The brain becomes so fatigued that it no longer sends proper messages to the body. Sex is so very tiring after brain injury - I suffered a TBI during sex (an aneurysm ruptured causing a huge bleed from the big artery in my brain, I stopped breathing - Mr Spider kept me alive till paramedics arrived, 12 hour surgery - induced coma for 3 weeks - long story cut short) 10 years ago. Sex was out of the question for a long while, it was just too tiring on my body and mind. We masturbated together, then for each other... progress was very slow. Obviously, confidence had to be recovered - for both of us.

Your husband must be feeling like absolute crap, his illness and recovery is not the only fight he has - he probably has issues with how he feels as a man too. Before he was the man...the provider, the hunter (grrrr) but now he has to watch you do almost everything. That is bound to have repercussions. And often, these repercussions are what can cause erection problems - as can any meds or treatments he is getting.

Sorry forum members who have read my past posts about Headway, and are sick of hearing about them - but for any brain injury or conditions, they are an invaluable group. They have support groups all over the world - you can google them to find details for your area, or phone their head office in Nottingham. (or I could get the details for you if you tell me the area you live in).

I helped set up and now run as a volunteer, a headway neuro cafe. Clients are always very shy about talking sex...but once they hear my 'story' (which I make everyone laugh with... my social inhibitions are now non-existent because of the areas of my brain which are damaged) they usually open up by asking 'do you still do it?' or 'How do you manage' (I'm in a wheelchair so it makes people curious) then they will open up about their own sexual problems - so I've become the groups unofficial sexual agony Auntie lol. Don't get me wrong, I'm no specialist - far from it. But usually, just talking about issues we usually come up with answers. Ways to deal with the fatigue, (a huge drink before sex to hydrate the brain and another huge drink after helps too) ways to help with positions for those with poor mobility - liberator wedges look hellish good, but also hellish expensive. I've cut up old feather pillows and made big fat cushions to help support me. I have an over the bed monkey bar (social services will supply those) to help me sit up and turn over in bed - not very sexy, but hey ho - anything that helps!

The thing is, don't put pressure on him(I'm sure you know that already) make sure with his Dr's that sex is okay, then let his body do the talking. Maybe watch some porn together to get him in the mood? or a nice massage can relax his mind and body...let it get sexier - do it naked and let the oil get on you too - if he is laying on his back, straddle him, massage his chest - the oil that 'accidentally' gets on you will look inviting enough for him to maybe start massaging you to! Then hopefully an erection will happen! Take it gently and slowly - no pressure on either of you. Use vibrators on his penis - on low power first (Mr Spider finds them too intense on high power but your man might not!) a wand vibrator feels lovely on the body as well as the genitals - most vibes do actually. Pretend you're using it for massage purposes at first, that sex isn't a priority or even isn't on the cards... these ways you're sort of 'sneaking' up on him - turning him on. I found the idea of sex exhausting, but if it just happend - Mr Spider would wait till I was either almost or even fully asleep, then use his fingers on me...that is delicious... I do that to him too nowadays! My sex drive has gone through the roof recently - I've discovered that that is part of my brain injury too - the bit of my brain that is injured controls sexual urges, hence my lack of interest (plus menopause - so it was all against me!) my brain is slowly building new neuro-pathways, new areas are taking over tasks once done by the knackered bits. So finally, I am getting sexual urges again - constantly! This could also be your husband's problem. You need to talk to a neurologist about that through.

Ok, so this is getting a bit long (and probably boring) I'm here if you need to talk, my love, or to try and answer any specific questions. brain injury is a lonely place to be - for both him and you. Don't be alone. Seek help - you say you're quiet and can't talk to family - so please, seek out Headway - they are there for not just clients, but family and friends too.

6

Hi, I’m really sorry to hear, I hope you’re ok.

7

Thank you ladyspider.

We don't have a social worker or anything. He has a neurologist and goes to the western park every 6 weeks, but for me, I'm unable to join him with having three little ones my hands are tied.  I don't really get any family support as both my parents are ill and siblings do their own thing. With us all having family's of our own so being a full-time mummy and carer to my eldest and two youngest almost 3 and 2 now I really struggle with time. If I'm not juggling 3 kids I'm keeping up with housework constantly.

I also struggle with depression which I struggled with since being a child and find it hard to get out the house at times, but this has improved.

I found with everything that went on had a big impact on my confidence things we used two do drastically change sexually such as me dressing up for him. I used to love doing this I never done it for any other guy, but he's my soulmate so I felt 100% comfortable around him to do this. But then this stopped due to everything that's happened.

He has chemo every 6 weeks which means I can't have sex with him until about two weeks later to ensure it's out of his system. I can't be spontaneous with him anymore as it led to a lot of disappointment, so I avoid this now but I miss it.

He does suffer with fatigue this seems to be getting a lot worse in the last few months he's extremely tired all the time and he can't understand what is making him so tired. Maybe it's due to it being winter hopefully and nothing worse.

Thank you for the info. I will look it up. I'm glad to hear there is a light at the end of the tunnel and im not alone with such things. It's been a help just to get this off my chest not really something you bring up so easily. Thank you for sharing your story glad to hear your on the mend

8

My heart goes out to you and I will keep you in prayers.

9

Thanks Knight1119

doing the best i can really it really makes you appreciate every moment you have and not take things for granted not that i do but those little things like cuddling up on the sofa or in bed mean alot you don't really hear of such things happening so young we all expect to live out until where old and grey hopefully we will

10

Crap time for you both, hope it gets better soon for you. Heart goes out to you

11

Thank you again for the info i've spoken to him today and told him about all this and have passed on the place you metioned we will sit down on go through it soon he's gone to bed early today being tired so didn't get to go in to full depth about it

12

You’re very welcome me me me.
I really hope that things get easier for you.

13

Hey, I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this stuff, and for so long too. You are so strong for being able to manage with kids, and housework all the while battling depression.

My OH used to be on medication for depression, and it affected his sex drive a lot, so while I can't even begin to understand what you're going through, I kind of get this part. I would just masturbate when I got chance and make the most of cuddles or hand holding or deep conversations. My confidence was low though, and I was scared to even try to have sex or bring it up. Things got better when I let it all go and we talked about it. We talked a lot, and he ended up switching meds because of it. I mean, no kids or pets, first home, we were both 20/21 and it felt like sex problems shouldn't even be a thing, so we were both worried about opening up.

Talk to him, I get that you don't want to make him feel bad, but sometimes feeling bad for a few days can help in the long run and you'll both be happy about it. Obviously I'm not saying be mean or throw more than he can handle at him, but talk to him. More than once, repeat the same things if it helps, and reassure him a lot.

Failing that I'm here, as well as lots of other wonderful people on the forums, so if you need support or to rant or to get advice this is a place you can come.

Just remember his issues are health related, not related to his feelings for you, or how hot he finds you!

I hope you're doing okay <3

14

Hi Me x 4, added you as a friend please accept if you’re comfortable too.

Im a health care professional and I work with people with life threatening and life limiting illnesses. I’m guessing your husband has been diagnosed with Glioblastoma?

Please don’t let my words frighten you but I think you need to ask your husband to be referred to your local hospice. Your husband, you, your kids and the rest of the family need support right now and although hospices have a stigma that people go there to die attached to them, this is a tiny tip of a huge iceberg, most of the work they do is about supporting people and their families at home.

Your husband can receive very specialist advice about cancer and cancer medication related advice and specialist medication ad ice, also counselling and other psycho social services. You can ask for advise on intimacy and sex, there will be a professional there for this.

When a younger couple is threatened, I often see the unaffected person experience a massive increase in sexual appetite with confusion and guilt for feeling this way, believe me this is totally normal. I believe it’s a species survival instinct (baby booms during and after wars are common).

Try to remember, he’s not finding sex difficult because he no longer loves you or because you are no longer attractive to him, cancer related fatigue is totally overwhelming, as is trying to get to grips with like as and mourning of a life without these problems.

I wish there was an option for private messaging as I could help you more but yes, be honest with the Dr you are asking for a referral from and get referred to a hospice.

Also there is really great advice on sex and intimacy and loads of other stuff on the Macmillan U.K. website. My heart and thoughts go out to you all X

15

im so overwelmed with how nice you all are thank you all so much it really means alot i've shared this thread with my hubby i've been in tears but happy ones at that thank you all

16

Mr Pheebs wrote:

Hi Me x 4, added you as a friend please accept if you’re comfortable too.

Im a health care professional and I work with people with life threatening and life limiting illnesses. I’m guessing your husband has been diagnosed with Glioblastoma?

Please don’t let my words frighten you but I think you need to ask your husband to be referred to your local hospice. Your husband, you, your kids and the rest of the family need support right now and although hospices have a stigma that people go there to die attached to them, this is a tiny tip of a huge iceberg, most of the work they do is about supporting people and their families at home.

Your husband can receive very specialist advice about cancer and cancer medication related advice and specialist medication ad ice, also counselling and other psycho social services. You can ask for advise on intimacy and sex, there will be a professional there for this.

When a younger couple is threatened, I often see the unaffected person experience a massive increase in sexual appetite with confusion and guilt for feeling this way, believe me this is totally normal. I believe it’s a species survival instinct (baby booms during and after wars are common).

Try to remember, he’s not finding sex difficult because he no longer loves you or because you are no longer attractive to him, cancer related fatigue is totally overwhelming, as is trying to get to grips with like as and mourning of a life without these problems.

I wish there was an option for private messaging as I could help you more but yes, be honest with the Dr you are asking for a referral from and get referred to a hospice.

Also there is really great advice on sex and intimacy and loads of other stuff on the Macmillan U.K. website. My heart and thoughts go out to you all X

Thanks Mr Pheebs my hubby isn't in a critcal state at the moment hopefuly he won't be he has

Anaplastic Gemistocytic Astrocytoma grade III

symptoms semantic memory not being able to describe and give meaning to our world. For example, naming a city or describing what a cat is. episodic memory not remembering specific events and experiences you have lived through such as what happened at a relative's birthday. retrograde amnesia Loss of memories formed before you had a brain tumour or treatment. anterograde amnesia Difficulty remembering memories formed after you had a brain tumour or treatment. Dysphasia you forget the beginning of what has been said having difficulty understanding if there is background noise or several people speaking at once being able to describe an object, but not name it cognitive impairment Thinking speed may be slower, making it more difficult to keep up with conversations Reaction times may be slower Vision and perception Difficulties recognising objects, people, words or sounds, such as recognising a pen on a cluttered desk
17

LittleMugs wrote:

Hey, I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this stuff, and for so long too. You are so strong for being able to manage with kids, and housework all the while battling depression.

My OH used to be on medication for depression, and it affected his sex drive a lot, so while I can't even begin to understand what you're going through, I kind of get this part. I would just masturbate when I got chance and make the most of cuddles or hand holding or deep conversations. My confidence was low though, and I was scared to even try to have sex or bring it up. Things got better when I let it all go and we talked about it. We talked a lot, and he ended up switching meds because of it. I mean, no kids or pets, first home, we were both 20/21 and it felt like sex problems shouldn't even be a thing, so we were both worried about opening up.

Talk to him, I get that you don't want to make him feel bad, but sometimes feeling bad for a few days can help in the long run and you'll both be happy about it. Obviously I'm not saying be mean or throw more than he can handle at him, but talk to him. More than once, repeat the same things if it helps, and reassure him a lot.

Failing that I'm here, as well as lots of other wonderful people on the forums, so if you need support or to rant or to get advice this is a place you can come.

Just remember his issues are health related, not related to his feelings for you, or how hot he finds you!

I hope you're doing okay <3

Thank you LittleMugs you remind me of how we was at the beggining of all this madness just add a coulple of kids and cats and we was in the same kind of place at first we thought it was his deppression he tried switching his meds we even thought at one point he was diabetic but we wasn't expecting this i totally undestand where your coming from everything you've just written i've lived through before knowing what we know now i spent many months blaming myself i wasn't good enough or attractive enough and had a major impact on me i blamed my self alot when it wasn't me at all

18

Hello and wow, Sending hugs your way! It is not an easy situation, although I can understand what an illness can do to you and your sex drive. I recently had severe eye infection, I could not see on the eye and still cannot see. Tbh, me and my friends with benefit sex went down to zero... Mainly because I have no mood for it. But compared to that, this is nothing and I am slowly recovering.

Although I have to say the friend also lost lot of his sex moods, because being scared for me does not make it any easier for him either.

I cannot much advice on the sex life, but I really hope that his health will improve and that he can win over this cancer, which came back![](upload://f8zGclFeQx35HwZLqJ7J1rFzQ0n.gif)

I think LadySpider gave a good advice, since she went through a brain surgery and can have good idea what that can do. I really hope that things will pick up for you eventually and the cancer goes away!

19

I'm glad the support is helping :)

Just keep remembering it's not you, it's not your fault and he loves you!

I'm here for you if you need anything, I check the forums very regularly (because I love it here), so I'm likely to see your posts. X

20

Thanks Laveila totally undestand that my sex drive has been mad costantly going up and down don't know if im coming or going at times hope you have a speedy recovery i know he can beat this it's just hard seeing him get better then worse then a bit better again hard to know where he stands but hope it's just the weather and colds doing it so roll on summer

Thanks LittleMugs it's a big help i don't really have any friends myself so don't really have anyone other than my hubby to talk to so being round our little ones 24/7 i needed somewhere i could talk to adults alike and being here joining lovehoney has been a great help for me in helping my sex drive im sex mad lol reviewing toys and trying out new things has realy opened up a few doors for me and has been a great way of keeping my mind of most things