How do you cope?

Off-Topic Chat
1

I apologise in advance, because I know this is a sex forum and not a mental health forum. Moderators, feel free to remove. I'm choosing to post here because you're such a wonderful community, and I've seen many of you give others some great advice when it comes to personal topics.

I don't know where to begin really. I guess I'm just a little bit worried that I'm slipping into a dark place again, and in the past I've always used self harm as a way to cope with things but I'm obviously trying my best never to do that again. I have seen a doctor and been to therapy, but I've exhausted what's available on the NHS.

I've had a tough time lately, as some of you will know. For years now I've suffered with a neurological disorder that causes chronic pain and blindness (among other things), and recently I've undergone major surgery to try and save some of my eyesight. I've had to give up so much because of my condition already, like driving, studying for my degree, working (most of the time), activities I used to love like swimming etc. I was hoping I'd get my life back after surgery, but I feel in more pain than ever now, and unfortunately just been told to 'deal with it' by medical professionals.

This is putting a strain on all of my relationships, as I think others expected me to be my old self again once I'd recovered, and now that I'm worse it's kind of like some of them want nothing to do with me. I don't have many friends now, and my family members seem sick to death of hearing me talk about my illness. For me personally, I feel like I'm trapped inside a useless body, and I'm screaming to get out but feel like that will never happen. It's driving me insane feeling like this every day, and especially at my age! I feel like a failure.

To bring this back on topic, it's making my sex life difficult at times. I have this insane need to please, which my partner is trying to talk out of me as it often means I'll have sex even when I'm in pain, and when he finds out I've done that he feels really bad. This doesn't happen 100% of the time, there are still times we're able to have amazing sex, but when we can't I feel like I'm useless and terrible, an absolute failure as I said before. :( he puts no pressure on me at all, it all comes from myself.

I've been able to deal with this alone so far (and with the help of my partner), but lately we've lost our house and I've lost a close family member, and now it kinda feels like it's all tumbling down. This is where I've used self harm in the past, to try and regain control when I feel I'm losing it, but I can't do that now.

So really, I'm just wondering how you lovely people cope when times get hard? Is there anything you do in particular which you find helps?

Really sorry for the long miserable post, but I think just posting this has been helpful!

2

My heart goes out to regarding your sight loss I've had bad eyes all my life so at least I'm used to it, but your starting from scratch, I'm disgusted at who said in medical terms just deal with it, that is out of order hugs. First any hobbies you do that make you feel better, please don't put pressure on yourself your partner loves you for you, not pain ridden sex, Sorry not doing a very good job at this. At this stage don't think too far ahead just one day at a time pamper yourself when you can, even if it's just a bath bomb. Talk to us here remember you are woth not worthless.Hugs

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I'm sorry I don't have any advice to give hun, I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear of your situation, it sounds extremely difficult. Hugs!

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Hi boogaloo, i dont feel i can really advise too much but i will try. Have you considered cbt?

im in a similar position to you in regards to the mental health problems with low mood etc and i had always been against therapy. Things got so bad that i had a breakdown at work and they made me ring a gp who has referred me for a course of cbt,

tbh im not sure what to expect but i feel better knowing im doing something proactive about it and its helped my relationship a lot. I went through a phase where i was texting my hubby in tears saying all sorts of bad stuff and i feel horrible for doing it. He was so supportive but admitted that he was relieved when i saw the gp because he didnt know how to help me and that made him feel bad.

I appreciate the sex thing too. I went through a time where we didnt have sex in ages and i really let myself go. Once i had seen the gp and knew someone was monitoring me (had mental health team ring me to make sure i wasnt going to hurt myself) i felt a lot better. I had a relaxing bath and shaved and felt a lot better physically. Today i even went and had a haircut for the first time in god knows how long!

I didnt feel like having sex but i felt guilty that my hubby was missing out so i really understand what you are going through in that respect.

One thing im going to do is follow some advice about having a creative outlet. Its supposed to be beneficial and help you express yourself and relax at the same time. Im thinking of doing a blog (completely non profit) or some sort of creative writing as a bit of escapism. I did try glass engraving but my artistic skills left a lot to be desired!

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There's nothing worse than pain and depression, I feel for you and what your going through.

I hope that you and your partner can find some sort of relief.

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Aw Hun *big hugs*

I'm sure this won't be removed, we are definitely a little community here and sometimes the help we need from our friend here isn't always as easy as which toy do I buy next. I think we all like to help when we can, so you've done the right thing by sharing.

When your pain is bad is all sex painful, or are there things that don't cause as much trouble? Could you and your partner work togehter so that you can be honest that you are struggling but that you't like to do the things that aren't so painful? I'm sure your partner would be okay with just doing nothing, but I'm just thinking if you'd still like to do something.

I know it might sound a bit out there, but have you ever done any meditation? maybe if you could just take some time when those self harm urges came to relax and refocus it could maybe get you through some of the tough times?

I'm with kittencub on the pampering too :) even if it is only something small.

You are definitely not useless and terrible though. If your posts on here are anything to go by you are kind, sweet and funny and I'm sure those are only a few of the wonderful things your partner sees in you.

I think you will probably get lots more very helpful replies and remember we are all her for you, so never keep it bottled up, always shout when you need to x

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I know how it feels to be trapped, i had to drop out of highschool at 15 due to extreme OCD, not been able to go to college, uni, work, or even visit my mum when she was dying. Honestly the only thing that has got me through those days where you enfd up curled in the bottom of the bath crying holding a razor, is the pure love i have for my partner. I could never do anything to hurt him, and it makes me determined to experience something other than pain and misery, even if it's just one cuddle.

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I'm so sorry you're suffering and feeling like this :( I'm afraid I cant offer much advice but just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and your partner (who souinds amazing by the way) - hope you can get some help and start the road to recovery soon, hugs xx

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Have you had a look at any of the chronic pain support groups? I don;t know which one she found best, but my cousin suffered with undisgnosed chronic pain for years and I know she did acess some kind of support network. x

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Let me tell you secret ....i dont cope.... I suffer woth severe depression and not allowed medication higher then 5gs as suffer woth sensitivity become a drooling mess floating on the ceiling. Going tbrough bad patch i cant leave house anxious, i cry alot..... Being honest im pro active i still try even its hard just to open curtains or stand back door i still do it.your post is not miserable more a cry foe help sweety. A few suggestions : when you feel need to please ,please your self(masterbate, pamper and or read) this can help with guilt your partner feels when your in pain. When your in the sexual mood try distractipn method go for walk in park, yoga ,read , play wii (no joke this is great even sitting down)......like the others said creative writting or sexual diary (wrote your feeling then acting on them)......oh and take one day at time.set one mini goal aday and try achieve it and if ypur dont theres always tomoz.....p.s theres always someone to talk to even if its on here

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Hi Boogaloo. It's not nice being in dark places but strangely after having two major health scares in the last couple of years it has made me more determined and positive. Your partner obviously cares deeply for you and it is from that you should use as a positive to soldier on. It is saddening to hear that your immediate family do not give you the support you deserve and I think it is disgusting that the medical profession is not more supportive. It is their job to ensure that your welfare is maintained . Speak again to your GP and press to be seen by a pain management team. I sincerely hope you come out on top of this. Hang on in there. Hugs and best wishes. X

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I want to thank everyone who has replied so far, it means a lot that you took the time to read my post and respond. I wasn't expecting so many of you to reply because it was such a long winded sad fest haha!

I actually find it easier to put into words how I feel on here, as in person I have trouble keeping up with conversations and physically speaking due to my condition. I get all my words mixed up and slur my speech, I end up feeling more frustrated so it doesn't help!

I have been to IAPT, which is the NHS CBT programme. They dropped me after a couple of weeks though for unknown reasons, and I never managed to get another appointment. I did go through years of therapy as a child though, to help me cope with self harm, and recently started seeing a counsellor at university (before I had to leave). JM88 your advice about a creative outlet is useful, that's something I'll have to look into again. Before my operation I did a lot of knitting, which I love, but I haven't done any since.

I know that I shouldn't force myself to have sex, but even though it's painful sometimes I just miss the intimacy if we don't do it. Like I said, he's very patient and is happy to just snuggle, but I can't shake the feeling that he deserves better than me. If things are really bad then we just do oral or massages, and that helps a lot.

I haven't tried meditation, I think I'd be terrible at it as I never switch off! But again it's something to look in to :) I'm not in a chronic pain group, but I am in an online support group specifically for my condition and the people on there are lovely, but we mostly just talk about our treatments and appointments.

Thank you again for all of your kind words, you're such lovely people xxx

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When you say about meditation and not being able to switch off, is that when you try to sleep too? It was one of the things i told my gp and he said the therapy would hopefully help me to switch off and he would consider meds if i couldnt. I always find that i go to bed and it takes literally hours to fall asleep because my mind is constantly thinking about something. Every morning i wake up exhausted and i feel more tired than when i went to bed! And that makes my mood even worse.

I will let you know if any of the techniques im taught work :)

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Im Sure people wouldnt mind you posting on here .also check out journals online.similiar this but you can post as much as you want and people from same site can comment too.u touched on intamacy. Its not just bout sex. When you doing it try naked snuggles NO sex just nakrd body touching as great to get intimatsy from that . Trust your man if he felt that you dodnt deserve him he would be oit the door. Know this you deserve this and deserve tp be happy, enjoy ,enjoy him amd you

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I'm so sorry to hear how difficult things are for you at the moment *big hugs*. Whenever I feel down, I rely on Mr Scorpius and my wonderful forum friends to get me through it. You sound as though you have a very loving and caring partner, and that is so important. Please don't ever feel terrible or useless, you come across as such a lovely sweet person. I also really want to please Mr Scorpius, so I know exactly how you feel, but Mr Scorpius has told me to always tell him if I am sore or in pain at all. I went through a big health scare last year and had major surgery. I am recovering ok, but I still have bad days when I feel down. Please try to get some form of pain management, it's awful how the Drs are not supporting you through this. Perhaps your partner can push for this for you. Just remember we are all here for you whenever you need us xx

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On the midication front, i know OCD is a bit differnt but i have both that and depression, clompiramine is the only medication ever worked for me, i wish i'd found it 10 years ago. I got kicked out of CBT because the mental health service is so packed there's a 20 sessions max limit, and then you need re rferring. They told me its up to a 2 year wait, got phone and letter confirmation i was on the waiting list, phoned up 12 months later to see where i was on the list, they'd never referred me.

17

I don't really have anything to add to all the advice offered already. Try to be open with your partner- he sounds amazing- and if sex is painful just cuddling helps maintain the intimacy.

As others have said, we are here to support you. Please use the forum instead of resorting back to self harm. There is usually someone around who can chat or play games to distract you. Hugs from me.

18

I learned a lot looking after my old partner before she passed away, she suffered from chronic pain and depression. The number one thing I'd say is communicate with your partner, just take your time and let them know what's going on. My partner had memory problems from the depression and got really upset sometimes when she couldn't remember what she had just been telling me about, honestly it never bothered me though, a good partner doesn't care if they have to go over it ten or even a hundred times.

As far as coping with it all goes... I don't know what to say to other people, my entire life has consisted of climbing out of the darkness, only to fall blindly in to another pit of despair, but after a while it just becomes normal. But I can say this, you end up with a lot of good stories to tell about your past.

As for the future though, well medically they're always coming up with new ways to treat things. Family wise and getting along with people, try not to take it out on others, I know it's hard, but more than anything else having a good support network can mean the difference between self harming and being happy. Just try to focus on the little things, like having an internet connection, having that first cup of tea in the morning and what not :)

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JM88, yeah it's the same when it comes to sleeping. If I'm lucky I get around 4 hours a night, but usually less. My partner is quite concerned about me not sleeping but I'm kind of used to it now.

In terms of pain management, it's quite difficult because I'm not supposed to take any opiates. However, opiates (like tramadol) seem to be the only thing that help with my pelvic pain (caused by my shunt) sometimes, so I do take them occasionally if I really can't bare it. I've also tried several epilepsy drugs which are supposed to help my headaches, but they haven't worked very well and just left me with a lot of side effects.

Thank you everyone for the advice :) it's really helpful to be able to talk to you all, and nice to know I'm not alone xxx

20

And Raven, so sorry to hear about your partner passing away :(

I can be 100% open with my partner and he doesn't judge me at all, but it frightens me sometimes because I can see how scared he is for me. I've only cut myself once in the 5 years we've been together, and after seeing how much it devastated him it was enough to stop me doing it again even when I really really want to. Before he came along I would do it almost every day, and honestly my body is wrecked now.

But I do still worry about hurting him, like if I were to tell him how hard I'm finding things and to tell him I still have the urge to self harm, he'd totally freak out and worry about me 24/7. He already has so much on his plate with looking after me, physically and financially, that I feel I'd really put too much of a strain on him if I share too much of my emotional problems.

I know that sounds stupid because he would probably rather I was open with him, it's just hard :/