children overhearing you

Off-Topic Chat
1

Hi, I have lurked here for a few months, so I am sorry my first post is asking for help.

My 22 y/o daughter, who still lives with us, has written me an 8 page letter complaining that for her entire childhood she has had to endure overhearing my OH and I having sex. This follows an argument a dew days ago in which she overheard us, and started throwing things around the room, and then turned the vacuum on and left it running. ( We had obviously stopped by this point anyway :( )

Now, we are NOT a noisy couple! Until earlier this year, sex was very bland and traditional. and TBH, for the last few years, we probably only had sex once every couple of months. That has now massively improved, thanks to lovehoney, but we still aren't noisy! The bed creaks, but sadly we can't change that, and yes, there is a bit of groaning at climax, but no shrieking and wailing!

We used to live in old house, and daughters room was the furthest from ours, and didn't share any walls. 8 years ago - daughter 14 y/o - we moved into a newer house. Daughter chose the room above ours. She chose it because it was the biggest of the attic rooms, and she has too many clothes.

We also have twin boys, now 18. They haven't said anything / shown any sign of overhearing us.

I have asked to meet my daughter when she finishes work, to discuss things, and she has agreed.

What do I say???

Any help/tips gratefully received :)

2

She's 22?

You say "you don't like it, move out!"

3

My sons 13 and the other night he complained the door had been banging in the night due to the wind.ummmmm yeah actually no it was us in our bed?!!
Lol
Our bed is noisy. Can't help it really.

4

Just tell her that you know it's uncomfortable hearing your parents have sex, but everyone does it. Tell her that you always try and keep quiet but it's not as easy as it sounds. Tell her you're not going to stop having sex for her benefit. She's 22-years-old, by the time I was that age I had been living away from home for three years. Ask her what she expects you to do, and if she would be more comfortable coming up with a system so she can know to put some headphones in and listen to music.

I wouldn't back down on this one, it's uncomfortable to hear, but everyone has sex and you can't stop doing it now you're having a great sex life. When she's older and has children of her own she'll probably have to deal with exactly the same thing. If she's going to be immature about it and throw things around she needs a reality check, does she think she was made by using a turkey baster?!

5

Her behaviour seems very immature,i agree with the previous poster,if she doesn`t like it,move out.How does she think she arrived in this world,immaculate conception? Does she not have headphones?

6

I have to agree with sub. Selfish doesn't come into it! Earplugs are an option so is growing up. Playing music is also an option both for yourself and her. I wonder if she'll think a letter is in order from you when she starts having a regular sex life. Now is the time I think to say put up or move out. That may be harsh but I think her selfish behaviour warrants a tough stance. Good luck.

7

Oh I forgot to say maybe your mindset is in the title, she isn't a child she's an adult. When you look at it that way maybe your stance would change. 22 is not children overhearing its an adult over hearing.

8

This is beyond immature. She is an adult, you are adults. You are all entitled to have sex! How does she think she was made in the first place??

Even if I heard my parents being super loud (I am 23 and living with my parents temporarily) the last thing I would do is act like a bratty child and throw things around my room. Maybe she shouldn't just sit there and listen if she doesn't want to hear it?

Ask her this; would she rather overhear the sex of a loving, functional relationship or have you two neglect each other and fall apart?

Absolutely do not feel you have to let her away with this just because she has written some passive aggressive letter to you. Tell her you are hurt that she feels you should not have sex with your own partner just because she doesn't want to hear it.

Frankly she needs to grow up. If she doesn't want to hear you having sex (NOTHING to be ashamed of), she is old enough to move out.

9

thank you - you have reassured me!

My instinct was to say, 'Well I'm sorry it upset you, but get over it!'

But I was a little worried that was too harsh. Its not that she overheard a few days ago that is the problem - but that she says she has been overhearing for years, and I suppose it did worry me a little that hearing so young could have been more unpleasant for her.

We have always waited until at least midnight, and since lovehoney has spiced things up - noisy toys, though we do try to choose the quieter ones! - we play music.

I will buy her some earplugs!

10

Also she sounds like she is exaggerating big time just to get at you. She has heard you her entire childhood despite you only moving to that house when she was 14? That's not childhood, that's teenage years. And she is NOT a child now, however she may act.

11

Lovebirds_x wrote:

This is beyond immature. She is an adult, you are adults. You are all entitled to have sex! How does she think she was made in the first place??

Even if I heard my parents being super loud (I am 23 and living with my parents temporarily) the last thing I would do is act like a bratty child and throw things around my room. Maybe she shouldn't just sit there and listen if she doesn't want to hear it?

Ask her this; would she rather overhear the sex of a loving, functional relationship or have you two neglect each other and fall apart?

Absolutely do not feel you have to let her away with this just because she has written some passive aggressive letter to you. Tell her you are hurt that she feels you should not have sex with your own partner just because she doesn't want to hear it.

Frankly she needs to grow up. If she doesn't want to hear you having sex (NOTHING to be ashamed of), she is old enough to move out.

+1

12

I'll second that! Tell her that if it's that much of a problem for her then she should start looking for somewhere else to live .
I think she's being very immature about it all . We still have a 21 yr old living at home who's never mentioned that he hears us (maybe he just puts headphones on ).
Its amazing how many kids seem to think their parents stop having sex the minute they turn 40! You shouldn't be having to apologise for having a sex life.
Has your daughter got a partner ? If not it might be that she's a little bit envious that you're getting more action than she is .

13

I wouldn't worry about her saying she's heard you all her childhood life, otherwise she would have brought it up sooner. She's obviously just spitting her dummy out and trying to make you feel sorry for her. She really needs to grow up.

14

Very helpful, thank you all.

I particularly appreciate Lovebirds reply - wonderful to hear such a mature answer from someone close to my daughters age. I may print it out and make her read it!

15

Tell her to put up with it. Your house. Sounds to me like your aren't selfish about it and already take things into consideration.

16

I'm 4 years older than your daughter, and when I was around the age of 14-19 and I moved bedrooms I used to hear my parents now and then. I would usually put on some music, turn the TV up a little or go into a different room. Even from the age of 14 I never ever brought it up with them. Yeah, I thought it was gross, but I understood that I was made that way and people have sex and there was nothing I could do about it. If a 14-year-old can drowned out the sound and deal with things maturely then you think a 22 year old would be doing the same.

17

I think I'm gonna come in from the other side here guys. Being a girl who grew up listening to her mum having sex or using her toys. It's gross. I know I do it now but I would NEVER have sex with my parents in the house. A child shouldn't hear that. She is behaving immaturely but that's because it's a problem from her childhood so she'll always have a child's reaction to it.

Yes. Now she is old enough to move out and to understand but that doesn't change her being exposed to that through her childhood. You need to understand and address that first, you can't change it but you need to understand that as a child hearing your non human parents having sex is awful. As an adult she now needs to understand that it's part of a healthy relationship.

Just think though, how would you feel hearing your daughter having sex in the next room, you can use your own thoughts to discuss with her.

18

I'd also like to point out to everyone judging her for writing a letter. What is the main piece of advice we give to someone who has a really delicate situation on their hands that's really bothering them? You say "write them a letter" she wrote 8pages! That's a lot of stuff to get off your chest!

19

Of course she will exaggerate...(I have heard you my whole childhood), but how else will she lay on the guilt and make you feel like the bad guy, without dramatising the event.

I agree with what everyone else has said. At 22, she is a grown adult and if hearing you bothers her so much, she has options:

Move out
Put TV or music on
Go out for a walk/to visit friends for a while
Anything other than act like a brat (Slamming doors and throwing things...really?)

I heard my mum having sex a few times as a teen (14/15) it kinda made me feel uncomfortable at the time....but I was brought up in a house where my mum would MAKE us go out and play and not come back for two hours, because she wanted some "adult time". That annoyed me too! Esp when I wanted to be indoors reading. Now I am older and have kids of my own, I look back and think my mother was on to something! lol. She had 4 kids and no adult time, so she actively made time for her own needs as a woman, as a couple, as a partnership.

Children are with us most of the time, until they leave home and no couple should have to put their sex life on hold for 16-18 (or 22) years. Of course, most of us, like you, will be respectful and not be screaming the house down, or doing it with the doors wide open.

I honestly don't see your daughter's problem. No, it is not the nicest thing to hear your own parents having an orgasm, but seriously....you just go downstairs or put on some headphones and smile and think "My parents are happy and content with each other. I am glad I hear them loving each other than arguing in that room every night"

In other words: Most of us have potentially heard our parents. Most of us are a little squicked out by hearing it, simply because it is our mum and dad and that image is naturally a massive turn off lol. However, just because you are a mother (or father) does not mean YOUR life, or YOUR needs, should be put on hold for 18 years because a stroppy adult doesnt like it.

20

Hasn't your daughter just gone through a break-up with her boyfriend? Or isn't she one of those rather unfortunate creatures (like myself) who are simply unable to find themselves a partner on their own? I suppose any of these reasons (or something else that has been eating at her brain and heart lately) might trigger a fit of somewhat irrational behaviour, perhaps mixed up with a bit of envy (however silly this might be). Sometimes, loneliness or some kind of sorrow can turn on into a bit of an idiot - I would never turn against my parents because they apparently have sex life while I don't have one but I admit I am reluctant to, for example, meet with any of my cousins very much because it makes me profoundly sad that they both have children (and a partner) while I have never even had a real date... I think it may be a good idea to try to figure out you daughter's REAL motive for the annoyance, perhaps it is because she is a tad spoilt and doesn't really want to grow up, but perhaps it's because she has some problems she might feel like talking about but she doesn't know how to approach you - and turns her troubles into bursts of anger, instead...