Desperate Need For Some Advice

Off-Topic Chat
1

Hello

I'd like to start by saying that I'm in a happy relationship and I really do love the girl I'm currently seeing and we're planning on having a baby. But...

2 years ago, I was chatting a lot with a different girl and it had been for months. I thought she was amazing and that she was 'the one'. I had fallen head over heals for her and I would of done anything to be with her. She's intelligent, funny and smoking hot, but she lived a good 100 miles away. The distance wasn't a problem for me because I was more than happy to jump on the train and go see her, which I then did.

That's were things started going downhill. The date we had set up didn't go too well. It was freezing cold so we couldn't go out for long. We sat in a nice little café for a while, killing a bit of time with some conversation, then we moved on to have a meal.

Now, normally I struggle to socialise with people. People have always said that I'm shy, but it's not that. I just don't like talking to people face to face and it takes several meetings for me to really come out my shell. So as you can imagine, I'm sitting opposite this girl who I've pretty much falling in love with, trying my hardest not to blow my chance, so to say that I was nervous is the understatement of the millennium.

Going forward several hours and after saying goodbye, I know that my nervousness had put her off and I'm absolutely devastated. The following months were really hard for me. I would go to work, finish the day then go home and sit there not doing anything, contemplating ending it all. I think it was only the pain that I would have caused my family that stopped me from doing anything. I've always thought suicide was a bit selfish.

But as time went on, things stopped looking so bad. Life went back to normal. Fast forward a few more months and I meet my current girlfriend. I've moved in with her, built a bond with her daughter and things are looking good. But it started going weird this morning.

On the way to work, for some reason I started thinking about all my ex girlfriends (there really aren't that many) but this one girl has just stuck and I've been feeling a storm of emotions.

Now as I've stated earlier, I'm happy in the relationship I'm in at the moment. But I haven't been able to get this girl out my head all day and it's destroying me inside. What the Hell am I supposed to do?

I can't just forget about her and I'm not sure if looking her up on Facebook will be the best idea in the world. Taking to my girlfriend isn't an option, she's always been a bit paranoid because of the large age difference between us and she's been a bit on edge recently.

I really need some help on this. Any and all suggestions welcomed greatly.

2

By the way, sorry for it being a bit of an essay

3

Honestly I don't know what you can do I'm sorry I can't be more help but what I can tell you is I'm feeling the same about a guy right now. I spent the other day thinking about the guys who have treated me bad but not him he treated me like a princess but my friends got between and scared him so now he's just my friend.

I know I can't have him the way I did BUT having him as my friend is better than not having him at all but saying that I'm single so if by some miracle something DID happen I wouldn't be hurting anyone.

I think it's natural to have moments when someone you felt strongly for is no longer part f your life, moments where you think about all those that went wrong one way or another but try to remember it sounds like your current girlfriend and her daughter both love you for who you are.

Sorry I couldn't be more help. X

4

its perfectly normal to be hung up on exes that we went through an emotional rollercoaster with. a horrible man once did an "experiment" with puppies, he had three lots, one lot he treat really well, one lot he treat really horribly, and the third he randomly treated them well and nastily. you'd expect the puppies that were treated the best to be most attached to him, but it was actually the puppies that never knew wether he'd be nice or nasty that were most attached to him. its like when you see couples that clearly shouldnt be together like where the woman is sometimes really abusive, but other times she's really loving. we get addicted to emotional yoyos. i know its not exactly the same, but in a short period of time you felt a lot of differnt really strong emotions and your brain attaches to it (i think its a case of your brain trying to earn from it, like how we remember everything scary that ever happened to us-because our brain wants to learn from it)

i think if you are confident you'll both be adults about it, and not get caught up in teh emotion, you could do with talking with this girl and discussing that day. just to clear your mind.

may i ask what the age differences are with you guys? Im 20 and my OH is 43, i was pretty mentally fucked when he met me, I'd just been messed around by a guy and similarly couldnt get myself free of my ex. he was really supportive, put his boundaries in place but kinda just waited it out. i still think of my ex, more in that i wish i could see him one last time so he could see Im a million times better. whereas as the younger party i kind of see myself as inferior, i see that other women dont respect me and i worry that i cant give him everything he deserves. at the end of the day its just a fear of getting hurt, you've got to encourage her to trust you, take the leap and throw everything into the relationship. i kind of like to think, if im going to get hurt id rather get hurt ASAP to save time, it'll hurt less at the start if someone breaks your trust than if you take 10 years to let them in then they break your trust

5

I know this might sound harsh but you have to get over her! By all sound of it you didn't even have much of a relationship, certainly doesn't sound like anything to be risking your new relationship over. What about thinking about all the wonderful assets your current girlfriend has instead.

6

Kirsty, that might be more help than you realise. It's comforting knowing that I'm not the only one in this kind of situation, however it saddens me also. It's tough.

I am lucky to have my girlfriend and her daughter and I wouldn't leave them if this other girl asked me to go back to her. She's hurt me in ways that I cannot describe, despite the fact I've still got some really strong feelings for her.

7

Couple looking to spice things up wrote:

I know this might sound harsh but you have to get over her! By all sound of it you didn't even have much of a relationship, certainly doesn't sound like anything to be risking your new relationship over. What about thinking about all the wonderful assets your current girlfriend has instead.

Trust me, I want to get over her, but that's the problem. I can't. It's easy to tell someone that, but the reality is it feels impossible, hence why I'm here asking for advice. I love my girlfriend to bits and would never do anything to hurt her. I want the best for us both, but I think she will take this all the wrong way and think I'll leave here. Young and fun, she's 20 years older than me
8

Ok, first off... I am not put off by your "essay" this is what brings out the community aspect here. I have not read the other responses as I am short on time right now so I am just jumping in and offereing my 2 cents worth. Because this form of communication is lacking in tone or non-verbals I will state up front I am in no way judging you or being negative here only offering my perspective.

This "ex" from 100 miles away sounds like it was a relationship that may have started virtually prior to this one in person meeting? If that is the case, I want you to take a step back here and know that is it so so soooo easy to attach a high level of emotion in these situations because we are able to build up the other person with what our ideal or what we want them to be. When in fact, they have flaws just like all of us do.

This seemed to have happened at a very vulnerable time in your life and I am guessing you are a bit young. I am not sure how long ago this happened, but it is not unusual to feel so hurt and put off. THANK GOD you were able to focus and move forward.

I think there is a part of you that feels vulnerable because with this "ex" you felt such a hightened level of emtoional connection to what you thought she was or could be. I think many of us have had something like this happen to us and I know most forum members have been hurt. It is the moving foward part you need to focus on.

DO NOT look this person up on facebook. Work instead on focusing on where you are today. If the memory and pain seeps in do ANYTHING to refocus yourself like go on a walk, read a book, hell shop for sex toys. As time goes on I do think it may hurt less and disapate.

My other 2 cents here is to take things slow with your current girlfriend, do not rush into having a child until you know you are 100% committed.

All my best wishes here.

9

I completely understand it's easier said than done to get over someone you had/have feeling for. To be honest if you still have these strong feelings for your ex it probably wasn't the best move, entering into a new relationship. If you want to have a future with your new girlfriend I'd invest all your time and effort into that relationship, especially if your planning on having a baby!
How about planning a few date nights?

10

I would leave it a week or two. If these thoughts really persist, have a word with your girlfriend. Say this is unresolved conflict. You love your girlfriend but you're struggling to 100% move on and you feel it is unfair to pretend. Ask permission to contact this other girl, in fact say that your current girlfriend can monitor and watch you do it. A discussion about that day with her might be all you need to move on. Reassure your girlfriend that you love her and the only reason you are telling her this is because you love her and want to commit to her 100% and feel it is unfair to hide anything. Only let discussions drag out a day or two. Otherwise it seems like you just want to keep talking to the other girl. Perhaps it is more to do with your own insecurities than with the girl herself? Maybe also bring up how you felt in that time of your life and how you find it hard socially to your current girlfriend. Are you sure there is no wider problem with your relationship, or with yourself, at large?

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Red lightning that's ok I know how you feel this guy was incredible and I can't just move on from him he was the most amazing man to ever be a part of my life.

You should stick with this girlfriend you have though especially as the ex hurt you so.

12

Thank you, great advice. As a matter of fact, I did get a new book a yesterday and will be reading more of it.

I feel I need to put this out there. I was completely over this girl when I met my girlfriend. I'd even been seeing someone else as a 'no strings' kind of relationship. I think that helped a lot. But that didn't last long. She was getting too attached to me despite me telling her from the offset numerous times that I cannot get into a relationship. She understands and moved on very quickly. We talk every now and then.

I am completely devoted to my girlfriend. It was her idea to go for a baby and now is the best opportunity for us both. We've had a year to prepare ourselves and we're both in good jobs and have settled down nicely together. I'm actually really looking forward to it.

But it's only been today when I thought about her. Yes I met her online and we exchanged numbers. We were texting each other for half a year. We built a close bond. We were friends of Facebook and shared pictures, nothing rude, mostly artwork.

I think talking to her and getting some closure on all this might help, but I really don't know. I'm worried it will upset her contacting her again.

13

Popk1n, I don't have any self insecurities that I'm aware of, although you have given me some good advice. What you've said makes a lot of sense.

14

Give it time. Leave it a couple of weeks. Then ask yourself these questions again. Also try to think about the root cause of why you thought about her. Is it actually do with her, or is it something rooted in you? As I say, leave it a week or two. Sometimes you can't help things popping into your head.

15

What is it you need closure on? That you were blown off rudly, that she did not return your feelings? Frankly a couple years later you are not probably going to get much. I have been lucky I guess that there was someone in my past that hurt me deeply and years later I did get closure. I had since moved on and had a child and such. But I would have been fine without it as well but I will say it was nice to get it. You cant force that on someone else, to me it is organic. Think on what you really feel is unresolved here prior to reaching out.

16

I may well be wrong, but do you think the ex might be a distraction from thinking about having a baby? Even though it sounds like it is what you want, it is still a life changing event and it is scary. I know that if I was planning on doing anything that would massively change my life, I'd reflect on my past and, even if I was happy, I'd be tempted to run or to at least look elsewhere. Getting married and having kids are two of the most typical times this happens.

I wouldn't contact the ex if I was you. I don't expect you'd get any sort of closure and it could open a can of worms. I'd suggest you talk to your girlfriend about it, but then talking is pretty much always my answer. Before you talk, you could try writing down or really thinking about how you feel. What would you want to say to the ex? What would you want her to say to you? What would the fantasy outcome be if you contacted the ex? You'll probably get more useful information from doing that than you would from actually speaking to her. I don't want to sound all hippy dippy but only you can give yourself closure.

17

I want things to have been ended properly. We were both upset and I feel like it's all my fault. I'm probably just being stupid about it all, and yeah maybe contacting her won't be a good idea. I might make it worse for her? She dragged it out for ages before letting me down. It took her months to tell me that she didn't want to see me again. I would have been much happier if she'd have just told me straight away instead of giving me false hopes.

18

Time is a great healer.

First of all don't do anything that will jeopardise your existing relationship. It is going to be difficult but you need to forget this other girl and move on . Most of us sometimes think of our exces at some time or other , that is normal .I still have to this day some small feelings towards my previous fiance as no doubt we did have some good times together but my current partner and my Mrs have built up over the years an unbreakable bond .I am confident the same will happen with you over time. You have to accept that your current relationship is far better than anything that could have been achieved with this other girl . Trying to make contact with this other girl is just going to make things far worse and you may end up digging youreslf a hole that you can't get out of.

So in a nutshell although its hard you will need to move on with your current girl who obviously thinks the world of you.

19

Thanks everyone for all this advice. I think I'll just leave it until next week. I'll try talking to my girlfriend if the other girl is still in my mind. See what happens then move on from there.

You all have made me feel much better about all this. I really appreciate it. Thanks again

20

After a lot of thinking, I decided to send her a message. I'll spare the details, but the result was good. She's happy and I'm feeling a lot better, a huge weight has been lifted. We're talking again which is good, I'll finally be able to walk away from this knowing it's finished properly.

Thank you all for the advice you have given me, it has helped me tremendously and you brought me to my senses. I feel I can now give my girlfriend absolute 100%. Thank you all so much.