Lubyanka wrote:
Sometimes I get this uncomfortable feeling that I'm getting more than I'm giving or taking more than I'm offering in my relationship. When I feel like that I bring it up straight away, and so far kvetch has disputed that perception every time.
I find it helps a lot to say these things out loud, partly because just hearing myself say them highlights the fact that they're inside my head and not necessarily an accurate reflection of reality, and partly because it's reassuring to hear kvetch say the thought never occurred to him and that he values me and thinks I give a whole lot.
Sometimes I'll ask what, and sometimes without me asking he'll go on to name specific things he feels I give which I don't notice much, and there are quite a number of items on that list. Presenting me with a specific itemised list helps me a lot, much more than a vague "Oh, you give plenty" could ever do.
I'm a big fan of specifics. :)
AdnaW wrote:
Lubyanka wrote:
Sometimes I get this uncomfortable feeling that I'm getting more than I'm giving or taking more than I'm offering in my relationship. When I feel like that I bring it up straight away, and so far kvetch has disputed that perception every time.
I find it helps a lot to say these things out loud, partly because just hearing myself say them highlights the fact that they're inside my head and not necessarily an accurate reflection of reality, and partly because it's reassuring to hear kvetch say the thought never occurred to him and that he values me and thinks I give a whole lot.
Sometimes I'll ask what, and sometimes without me asking he'll go on to name specific things he feels I give which I don't notice much, and there are quite a number of items on that list. Presenting me with a specific itemised list helps me a lot, much more than a vague "Oh, you give plenty" could ever do.
I'm a big fan of specifics. :)
Lubyanka, I'm glad that works for you! For me, I have to pick my timing, sometimes stating my (usually unfounded and unecessary) fears about not being "good enough" for the OH upsets him and makes him feel like he's not doing enough to make me feel appreciated. Sometimes it makes him worry that no matter how much effort he puts in I'll never feel appreciated so is it worth his effort?
I've encountered this problem many times before with many different partners. They way I've found to handle it is to tell them how important it is to me to be able to express my needs safely, which means I need to be heard without judgement and without it being taken personally. And then I take great care to express what I need in terms of me and myself and my feelings.
For example, "I need to feel X, I think if you did Y then I think that might help me to feel X", or "I'm feeling unpleasantly Z, and if you stopped doing Y and started doing N then I think that would help me".
If they respond as you describe I remind them how important it is for me to be able to safely express my needs, and how my needs are nothing to do with them and are all about me.
Some of my partners were unable to do this and the relationships ended. I decided that if I can't express my needs safely, then that partner is emotionally unsafe for me. For example, I asked one partner to stop opening doors for me because I felt uncomfortable about it, and he responded by asserting that I should just accept it because he thinks it's common courtesy. I then explained to him that I was asking him to respect my wish to open my own doors, no more, no less. However, he was unreceptive and got upset. This was an ongoing recurring issue between us, and that relationship ended, due to that and other things. I thought that was ridiculous, like I was transgressing his human right to open my doors? I think that kind of response is a symptom of other problems, so I like to address the little things because I find that tends to eliminate the bigger conflicts.
I must be able to express my needs safely, and I think we are all entitled to do so. I do appreciate that this is a learned skill so I'm willing to cope with mistakes during the learning process as long as I'm seeing noticeable improvements. So now I make that one of my basic relationship requirements.
