Self-worth

Off-Topic Chat
1

Does anyone else do this? I feel like I sabotage good things/opportunities in my life. I can't figure out why. I cancelled three very exciting job interviews (including the one I previously mentioned https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/off-topic/1571172-sex-blogger-and-job-applications-advice/) to accept an offer to do data entry for less money than I'm on now. Seriously, who turns down an opportunity to interview for a job that pays £10k more than they currently earn?

I constantly feel not good enough, then I do things that reinforce the feeling. I am on medication and I have had counselling.

Does anyone else fall into these types of behaviour? Or has anyone overcome feeling like this?

2

What are you scared of?

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Yes I used to sabotage my efforts to improve myself and yes I used to feel worthless. I've been for hypnotherapy, EMDR (eye movement desensitisation and reprogramming), counselling, CBT. I they all helped in their own ways but i also think what helped was pushing myself and just feeling the discomfort of 'not feeling good enough' and telling myself I am good enough until I believed it. I do have blips now and thenjoy though but on the whole I'm better than I was. I also think it's a lifelong learning process.

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Read a book called “The Happiness advantage” by Shawn Achor. It is not your standard self help, it explains a lot about why we feel these things by referencing peer reviewed scientific research but in a very accessible format. It is one of those books that can be life changing without even doing anything because it changes the way you perceive your own thoughts.

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I understand completely, I go a bit off the rails whenever I'm happy, like I get angry over nothing and start pushing people away for no real reason. I work to improve my social life then spend a week-a month inside and cancel all my plans. It's something I'm working on though, I think recognising the self destructive behaviour is good, and my only advice is make pros and cons lists about decisions so you have physical proof when something is a good call

6

Used to be like this all the time when I had PTSD but I have been massively lucky, really bloody minded, well loved and needed (husband , dad, son, brother, uncle) and had the right help at the right times.

From my experience, when you get anxious or depressed (you rarely have 1 without at least a bit or the other) you start to self prophesise. E.g Im going to go for that job but I'll never get it. If you sabotage or 'fail' (hate that word now, failing is just a learning opportunity if you did your best) at the interview you have fulfilled your initial belief that you will fail and start to build a picture that is framed totally on negative but proven and theoretical prophesies and alk poditives are discounted.

Other problem is that you start seeing in black and whites e.g. you either failed to eat the cake or you didnt finish the cake or you should (hate this word too as it implies you have power to go into the past and fix past experiences, it's a really destructive word) have eaten the cake.It can't just be I tried to eat the cake but stopped as I have enjoyed it because that isnt definitive and does not support and grow my negative feelings. Black and white is all or nothing, there isnt middle ground and it doesnt represent life very well and its a big deal gor people with depression and anxiety. Another exampke is that people live you or people hate you, they arent allowed to alter how they redpind tou you because that pyts you way outside your safe zone.

Then there is catastrophising e.g you get 45% for a graded essay, pass mark is 40%. You begin to worry that you were close to failing, can't acknowlege the pass, if you fail you will loose your place on the course, then you wont get a job. You will become homeless. You wilk alwsys be alone. Your family will disown you because you failed etc...etc...in reality you passed, most students would get drunk celebrating, and then learn how to do better next time. If (heaven forbid) you did fail, uou would pick yourself ap get a job or qualufication doung something else.

The final problem with anxiety is perfectionism, now you'd think perfectionism is a brilliant trait but for the sake of anxiety it's really not and it's not the same as being thorough or professional. People with anxiety show perfectionist traits because they are scared of failing. Perfectionists are not thorough they are way way beyond that they burn themselves out because they find it difficult to compromise because of the previously listed traits.

This is a whistle stop tour of my experiences of mental health and isnt definitive. I got through it, you can too but you will really have to fight for it at a time when fighting just to keep going is hard enough.

Its really tough but you need you be kind to yourself, reassure yourself, take on only as much as you can handle and balance your life. Plus if you eeren't worth it I wouldnt have wtitten this post.

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Sorry about the typos I need to sleep, keep yourselves safe X

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Hi,

You might find some of these resources helpful (I'm not sure whether its OK to post links to these)

Kristen neff website and book on self compassion

Christopher Germer, as above - both have sections for free downloadable tracks

Paul Gilbert - compassionate mind book

Brene Brown - Daring Greatly and the Gifts of Imperfection books (she has two others but these Ade good starting points, she also has two very good TED talks on vulnerability (in my opinion!)

Hope that helps

9

Kind of. I set myself up for failure. I set the 'bar' too high and never accept my limitations...of which I have many.

For example, I take on too much work, I know I can only work for around 2 hours maximum per day, but will accept orders that I know are going to take many more hours, so I have to push myself to get even half the work done...then be ill and stuck in bed for days because I've overdone it - and not achieved getting the orders done anyway so have to either let people down (which I hate doing) or send orders out very late.. which is very bad for business.

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Have you got CFS or a dianosis related fatigue ladyspider? Sounds like booming and busting to me hon.

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I have stupidly low self esteem. If I think someone is flirting with me, or even if they openly tell me they like me, I starting wondering what must be wrong with them, for being deranged enough to like me. My brain just tries to spoil things before they even start...

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Mr Pheebs wrote:

Have you got CFS or a dianosis related fatigue ladyspider? Sounds like booming and busting to me hon.

Yes, sadly I do, Mr. Pheebs. I suffered a brain injury 10 years ago - the fatigue is one of the worst things it's left me with. xx

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LadySpider wrote:

Mr Pheebs wrote:

Have you got CFS or a dianosis related fatigue ladyspider? Sounds like booming and busting to me hon.

Yes, sadly I do, Mr. Pheebs. I suffered a brain injury 10 years ago - the fatigue is one of the worst things it's left me with. xx

I’m sending you a virtual hug, that really sucks hon X

14

I guess I understand you... When I accepted the job offer for my current job, I was like why am I doing this to myself? I am not going to make it. Everyone will see I will fail... I should not do it... I was even considering rejecting the offer, but then I decided to talk to friends and write my thoughts down and accepted the job!

Yet, I made it, I went from analyst job title to senior specialist in 2 years. But I have a good understanding where you are coming from.

I am struggling with imposter syndrom and I am borderline OCD, so I was seeing a psychologist several times in the past and this is what really helped me, even when joining my current job:

1. Write what makes you feel like this and try to identify why you go into this pattern of behaviour.

2. Once you do that, try to think of ways to break it. For me listing what I am good at and writing my frustration on paper or in Word on my laptop helps.

3. If you get the chance, try to ask for support. Someone to talk to, before you do something which you feel like you would regret later on.

4. take time, do not do rush decisions...

Just to say, I do not think getting worse paid job is bad, if you do it because you want to and have a reason why. But not because you feel you will fail in everything else.

As example, I have friend who went from very well paid job, which he hated, to far less paid job, but one which he loves. He did it knowing he will take the money hit, but he really was struggling and the better paid job was actually causing him health issues. And when the leukemia hit, he knew he needed a change and did not mind the less money, since it gave him great chance to try living in another country and less stress and no night shifts.

So sometimes what others may think makes no sense may make perfect sense to you, as long as you know why you did it and what you wanted to achieve by it.

I would say, try for another job and dont cancel the job interviews just because you think you cannot do it! Try to keep telling yourself you can do it and you will be able to, unless there is a good limiting reason - like a health issue.

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All the time buddy. I just still haven't found my coping mechanisms yet to stop me from holding back.