Doubting yourself

Off-Topic Chat
1

I'm not really sure this is appropriate content for Love Honey... but here goes -

Do you ever have those days/times when you doubt yourself? When you go over and over things in your head and you wonder if youre really all that? I'm having one of those at the moment. Im so lucky to have met the woman of my dreams, im lucky enough to own my own home, to have a strong and loving family, to have caring and brilliant friends, to have achieved careerwise well above and beyond my wildest dreams so far (and im only 28,) im lucky to have been dealt overall a very tidy hand of cards by fate.

Yet i worry, stress and over analyse all the negative things i can think of, most of which i just make worse for myself by doing so - Am i being the best partner and lover i can be to my beautiful girl, whatever would happen if i lost my job and couldn't pay the bills, how can i divide my time to cover all the things i love and not neglect anyone or anything which i hold dear to me, how can i best act as a parent to the two children which my partner has? So many things to try and focus on, and yet so many things to get right becuase failing will mean losing any one of those precious things.

Maybe im just being a soppy twat, maybe its a good thing im concerned and strive towards getting it right and not takinga lazy attitude to trying to find fulfillment in all life offers me.

Its just today its getting me down today, and i wonder if im capable of the challenge, isn't that just normal to doubt and worry? If you met me you'd never know because i rarely share such worries with others, everyones got their problems and they dont need mine as well.

Dont worry im not going to throw myself under a tube train, (im far too busy for that haha,) Sometimes its just easier to talk to people you dont know.

I wish you all a wicked evening

Cheers

Cityslicker

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Hey CS,

Sorry to hear you're having (or rather giving yourself) such a hard time at the minute. I can very much relate to the kind of feelings and the thought patterns you appear to be having. I have struggled with similar issues for years and they would be getting worse all the time if hadn't gone to counselling to look at changing the negative thought patterns and my persuit of perfectionism (somewhat ironically combined with feelings of worthlessness). I had cognative behavioural therapy (CBT) which looks at where the thoughts come from in the first place - the past experiences and core beliefs that you have...then you move on to looking at how that affects you now and finally you look at what you can do to move forward. I can certainly testify to its effectiveness, I might not be 100% "normal" yet but I'm a damn site better than I used to be

If you don't fancy counselling then I also recommend taking a look at a book called "reinventing your life: how to break free from negative life patterns"

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Reinventing-Your-Life-Negative-Patterns/dp/0452272041

I know, I know...self help books are all bollocks...I thought so too but this was actually reccomended to me by my counsellor (some of the work we did in our sessions was based on things in this book). What you've said in your post reminds me of some of the case studies in the book so it might be worth a look (for less than a tenner it might be worth a shot).

I wish you an excellent evening also (from one harmless-mentalist to another )

xxKPxx

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Avrielle_Aniko wrote:

I don't doubt myself. I know I'm rubbish.. But thats depression for you..

Sorry to hear your having a crappy day. But at least its more positive, like you think you -can- do better, and you feel you want to make things as good as they possibly can get. My OH is kinda going through that at the moment, making sure everything is sorted to the last detail making the home a perfect place etc.. I see this as positive than negative, but as long as you look after yourself and not just thinking of other people all the time.

I would give you a spank everytime you put yourself down missy but as the aim is to put you off not encourage you I feel that would be ill-advised!

You're a hot, sexy, kinky-tink-belle (which is a word I have made up to mean extra pervy, extra minxy and extra beautiful)....and if you don't believe it, I'll just believe it twice as much to even things out External Media

xxKPxx

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I also have issues with self doubt and worthlessness - I haven't found away around it, I just keep busy and refuse to let myself wallow. I rationalise every single day for example when I think "what if my partner can do better" I rationalise with "well he meets new people every day, he could have left me for someone else years ago but didn't" then I refuse to think of the next negative point. I also do whatever I can to be a "good girlfriend" I don't see the harm in putting some effort into making a relationship wonderful and the act of doing it makes me feel better about myself. I love to give head, so I give blowjobs to my OH every day, he's happy and so am I, partly 'cause I love it and partly 'cause it makes me feel like I'm being a good girlfriend.

It's all about focusing on the positives! I'm a very positive person about most things so I just have to bring that in when I'm feeling worthless!

Ax

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CitySlicker wrote:

Am i being the best partner and lover i can be to my beautiful girl,

whatever would happen if i lost my job and couldn't pay the bills,

how can i divide my time to cover all the things i love and not neglect anyone or anything which i hold dear to me,

how can i best act as a parent to the two children which my partner has?

So many things to try and focus on, and yet so many things to get right becuase failing will mean losing any one of those precious things.

Maybe im just being a soppy twat, maybe its a good thing im concerned and strive towards getting it right and not takinga lazy attitude to trying to find fulfillment in all life offers me.

i wonder if im capable of the challenge,

everyones got their problems and they dont need mine as well.

I'm really sorry you're having such a difficult day. I find that turning the questions around can be really helpful. Your worries sound to me like they have assumptions built in which you might benefit from reconsidering. Some examples of turning questions around:

Why do you think you're not already doing the best you can now? How do you know? What specifically do you think you can do better? Is anything preventing you from doing so?

What counts as a "failure"? Failing at what? How is it a failure? Sometimes falling short of a goal is part of the journey to achieve that goal. Falling short can be temporary.

What could you realistically do to lose your job, partner, or anything else? Have you or would you realistically be likely to do any of those things? Are they really likely to result in your partner leaving you and being sacked from your job?

Since you cannot control other people, your partner's decisions to stay with you or leave is outside your jurisdiction. You can only do the best you can, and other people will do what they do.

If you couldn't pay the bills, then I imagine you'd find somewhere cheaper to live and spend less money to have smaller bills. Would that be so terrible?

How are you a soppy twat? What is that anyhow? You say that like it's a bad thing. Some people pay extra for that. :p

If you have these worries regularly, I'd recommend finding a counsellor who is trained in Neuro-Linguistic Programming. I think a lot of those worries can be sorted out. Living can be enjoyed best without them, don't you think?

I hope your day goes better.

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Well am pleased by post didn't get deleted!

KP - thanks i will check out your recommendation on the book,

AA - One of my "problems" (a blessing in actual fact) is that i do very much care and feel responsible for those close to me, even to my detriment

Nexas - following a 5 mile run, a good wank in the shower afterwards and a couple of glasses of wine i am indeed feeling much cheerier.

AdanW - Youre right im mostly a positive person too - will address what you said next

Lubyanka (You dont work for the KGB do you ;) ) - Ill get back on those points over night.

The thing is i generally do have a positive outlook on life, i guess the key is keeping doubts etc in check by the fact that i am happy in what i have, (this also however leads me to fears of losing what i hold dear to me, which is what i feel starts the cycle off)

Just sometimes circumstances conspire and i make a bigger deal in my head out of things that i dont need to put so much wasted negative thought and energy into, maybe its like my time of the month haha!

Having said the above i am much happier for sharing my thoughts with you all.

Bonsoir

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CitySlicker wrote:

Well am pleased by post didn't get deleted!

Nexas - following a 5 mile run, a good wank in the shower afterwards and a couple of glasses of wine i am indeed feeling much cheerier. [...] Lubyanka (You dont work for the KGB do you ;) ) - Ill get back on those points over night.

The thing is i generally do have a positive outlook on life, i guess the key is keeping doubts etc in check by the fact that i am happy in what i have, (this also however leads me to fears of losing what i hold dear to me, which is what i feel starts the cycle off) [...] Having said the above i am much happier for sharing my thoughts with you all.

I'm glad you're feeling better. :)

Even if I did work for the now-defunct KGB, the confidentiality thingy would prevent me from answering your question. :p

If you essentially fear losing what's dear to you, that's a good basic one to turn around to cover all your worries in that category. For example:

  • Why would you lose it?
  • If you wanted to lose it, what could you realistically do to make that happen?
  • How hard would that be?
  • How likely would you be to do that by accident?
  • Would feel more comfortable without it?
  • Would losing it get rid of the worry of losing it, or do you think you would just worry about something else?

I hope you have a tranquil evening, a restful sleep, and wake up refreshed and relaxed tomorrow. :)

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Lubyanka, you always give brilliant advice!

When I'm feeling like that I just tell myself that there are more pressing things in life to worry about. 'What if I end up ruining my life somehow?' 'World hunger.'

And that's the end of it. Sorry, that was pretty useless.

Maybe you could talk to your OH about it? You may already have, but like a deep conversation about all your worries, fears and doubts. Talking things out can sometimes be quite therapeutic.

I hope you feel better. :)

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Avrielle_Aniko wrote:

Well, I can understand your logic in the "What if I end up ruining my life somehow?' - 'World hunger.'

But I can't make that way of thinking work for me at all. I am in poverty, I struggle to make ends meet everyday. I struggle to have a decent meal everyday and my doctor is actually concerned that I can't get enough red meat and proper veg in my diet because of the budget I'm on..

There is always the thought of "there is always someone worse off than me" but its difficult to relate yourself to that as you are not in anyway connected to anything worse than yourself at the time..

Sorry.. Thought I'd put that in, It just annoys me a bit because that was my mothers outlook on everything.

In some ways it helps....in others it makes you feel worse "some people are worse of than me and here I am struggling with this" makes me feel a bit pathetic really! But it works for some people and it's worth trying!

I tend to find rationalising based on myself or my circumstances helps...."I'm worried that my OH doesn't love me"..."but he went clothes shopping with me the other day even though he hates shopping"...."I'm so upset that I'm a cripple at 19"...."but at least I'm capable of walking". Helps if it's based on something you can relate to.

I do find talking to the OH helps, but if you talk about it too often it makes things worse because it upsets your OH too!

Ax

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Personally, I dislike the strategy of coping with problems simply by having a size queen contest and whoever's problem is the biggest, wins (actually loses, but in your mind, wins). The reason I dislike that strategy is because I disagree that the size of other people's problems makes mine any less of a problem. Also, I regard problems as each having their own merit and are not any more or less problematic based on anybody else's problems.

This is the same issue I have with people who dismiss my problems by asserting that mine cannot possibly be actual problems because theirs are so much worse. To me, that's like saying my flu cannot possibly be miserable because somebody else has cancer. If that were true, then why do none of us have healthier or richer or easier lives based on those many other people whose lives are healthier, richer, or easier? I mean - "You can't possibly feel ill, because I feel fine" - is to me logically nonsensical, so how can "Your problems are nothing because mine are bigger" work for anybody?. Plus, I don't feel any better when my difficulties are worse than other people's, so how are my problems helping anybody?

Other people's illnesses or problems, however terrible, have no impact on mine, nor mine on theirs, and I consider that dismissing the validity of anybody's problems for whatever reason is disrespectful, even if you do it to yourself. So I validate your difficulties as being just as difficult for you no matter who else is hungrier or sicker or poorer.

There. :)

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Lunar Lunacy wrote:

Lubyanka, you always give brilliant advice!

Thank you very much, that was lovely to read, you've perked up my late night/early morning no end. :)

So even if everybody else feels like shit, I feel better, so you should all be fine now, right? :p

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Lunar Lunacy wrote:

Lubyanka, you always give brilliant advice!

When I'm feeling like that I just tell myself that there are more pressing things in life to worry about. 'What if I end up ruining my life somehow?' 'World hunger.'

And that's the end of it. Sorry, that was pretty useless.

Maybe you could talk to your OH about it? You may already have, but like a deep conversation about all your worries, fears and doubts. Talking things out can sometimes be quite therapeutic.

I hope you feel better. :)

For me the world-hunger approach doesn't really work at all because one of two things end up happening: either I feel guilty for being upset about my own problems or I just get upset about world-hunger as well. I know that I'm far too empathetic (or pathetic as some delightfrul "friends" once called it!) because I get upset by pretty much everything on the news but I don't really see how I could other people's suffering would ever make me feel better about my own!

The "worse things happen at sea" philosophy is an approach my grandparents have to things and is probably the reason why my dad ended up pretty much permanently depressed - noone ever taught him to value his problems so he never learned how to deal with them.

Something else to consider is the idea that problems aren't always based on the physical circumstances a person is in...if someone lost their family, their home and job you'd expect them to be depressed and everyone would easily acknowledge their problems. However, isn't it equally worrying if someone has nothing in particular wrong with their life and they're still struggling to cope? If you're unhappy without a "reason" then the cause is likely to be psychological and therefore just as serious.

Sorry for waffling on but mental health problems and the prejudices against them are something I have quite a lot of experience of so if it sounds like I'm on a bit of a crusade: I probably am!

xxKPxx

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I'm always terrified that my OH will leave me because I'm not good enough for him, or he doesn't find me attractive or I don't turn him on etc, etc. I end up having nightmares about it all!!

x

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aww hun *hugs* i know how you feel sometimes, but remember youre really REALLY hot, and smart hun *hugs*

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masterandslave wrote:

I'm always terrified that my OH will leave me because I'm not good enough for him, or he doesn't find me attractive or I don't turn him on etc, etc. I end up having nightmares about it all!! External Media

x

Oh noes! I can relate to these doubts...I love my partner so much and I think he's absolutely amazing. This is just fine on all the good days but on the days when I feel really awful ...I don't feel like I deserve to be with someone so wonderful and feeling selfish for "making" him stay with me. That's why I used to think I could never get married, I thought I'd then never know if my partner was with me because he wanted to be or because he was legally bound to be. Luckily I'm not quite so self-loathing these days (thanks to counselling!)

I'm afraid I can't offer you much advice on how to make it stop other than to persevere, don't let your demons win and if you're ever in any doubt talk to your partner...I find mine can brush away a lot of my fears with a nice chat and a cuddle!

If the advice isn't much help...at least I can offer you solidarity...I've been there, I know how hard it is.

*much love*

xxKPxx

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wit me its my mum whos the main issue, theres been times where she has erradicted any self belief and confidence i had in myself, and then made measures to stop me getting help to get it sorted and become more confident, this has happened all the way through my teenage years, on top of bullying at school and other parts of life (some of it sexual- but because it was at school little to nothing was done about it :/ ) when i got to uni i did my best to build that confidence up, i was far from perfcect by the end of last academic year but it was the best i;d ever been, and then over the summer that went back to square one with nothing.at all and it was when i finally reaised how my mother was behaving.

things shes said to me and the bullying have really affected me and my confidence in relationships, particuarly sex and relationships on that intimate level. after a few bad sex sessions recently ive been doubting my worth and usefulness to anyone at all. and feeling really vunerable and like no one will love/want/like me whatsoever. I whish i just could let it go over my head and egnore her but i can't at all

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Nexas wrote:

SL: It'll take some time, but you have to work to get over it. It's no easy road, but we all know you're worth a hell of a lot more than you give yourself credit for and we've not even met you in person! That's pure personality and we know from photographs that you are DAMNED attractive.

As such, what the bullies and your mother have said/done is bullshit and it's not down to you to realise that and make a change in your way of thinking.

i know i have to do that, but the irrational fears that have been placed in me by certain groups about getting help for those issues is stopping me doing anything about it. theres always the fear that i'll just be laughed at, and told im over reacting and even worse,

thanks for the kind words but you know i wont believe them hun *hugs*

18

I know I am extremly lucky with my OH, he is very understanding of my insecurities and reassuring. However my best mate has the same issues as me and her ex took her self doubt as trust issues with him and ended it

x

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sweetlove666 wrote:

wit me its my mum whos the main issue, theres been times where she has erradicted any self belief and confidence i had in myself, and then made measures to stop me getting help to get it sorted and become more confident, this has happened all the way through my teenage years, on top of bullying at school and other parts of life (some of it sexual- but because it was at school little to nothing was done about it :/ ) when i got to uni i did my best to build that confidence up, i was far from perfcect by the end of last academic year but it was the best i;d ever been, and then over the summer that went back to square one with nothing.at all and it was when i finally reaised how my mother was behaving.

things shes said to me and the bullying have really affected me and my confidence in relationships, particuarly sex and relationships on that intimate level. after a few bad sex sessions recently ive been doubting my worth and usefulness to anyone at all. and feeling really vunerable and like no one will love/want/like me whatsoever. I whish i just could let it go over my head and egnore her but i can't at all

Aww I wish I could give you a big hug!!! It must be so hard to build up your confidence when the main female role model in your life treats you so badly...I really admire your courage for trying and for the bits of confidence that do creep out of you every now and again! Like your avatar for example...that picture of your frankly wonderful bosom must surly be backed up by just a little pride and rightly so!!! External Media

It's a shame you can't see yourself through the eyes of the OA...then you'd see what a hottie mcsexy you really are!

xxKPxx

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KittyPurry wrote:

sweetlove666 wrote:

wit me its my mum whos the main issue, theres been times where she has erradicted any self belief and confidence i had in myself, and then made measures to stop me getting help to get it sorted and become more confident, this has happened all the way through my teenage years, on top of bullying at school and other parts of life (some of it sexual- but because it was at school little to nothing was done about it :/ ) when i got to uni i did my best to build that confidence up, i was far from perfcect by the end of last academic year but it was the best i;d ever been, and then over the summer that went back to square one with nothing.at all and it was when i finally reaised how my mother was behaving.

things shes said to me and the bullying have really affected me and my confidence in relationships, particuarly sex and relationships on that intimate level. after a few bad sex sessions recently ive been doubting my worth and usefulness to anyone at all. and feeling really vunerable and like no one will love/want/like me whatsoever. I whish i just could let it go over my head and egnore her but i can't at all

Aww I wish I could give you a big hug!!! It must be so hard to build up your confidence when the main female role model in your life treats you so badly...I really admire your courage for trying and for the bits of confidence that do creep out of you every now and again! Like your avatar for example...that picture of your frankly wonderful bosom must surly be backed up by just a little pride and rightly so!!! External Media

It's a shame you can't see yourself through the eyes of the OA...then you'd see what a hottie mcsexy you really are!

xxKPxx

Beautifully said! You definitely get a raw deal with your folks and your sister doesn't help. You are a survivor and I love your never say die attitude. You just get stuck in and determined to get over any obstacle. I know they are your family but they are idiots. x