I am in an amazing relationship and couldn't be happier. My problem being, I have days or moments when I realise my past (mentally abusive) relationship has left me more insecure than I usually realise. I recognise that my past relationship was not healthy as it was all about manipulation, lying, cheating and being rather controlling. Eventhough I know I am so over him, the relationship was over before it ended, I struggle with the facts that some of his actions, it ended in 2008, are still haunting me when I don't want them to.
I was wondering if anyone else has days/moments like this, when being in a bad/mentall abusive relationship can influence your secure feelings in the presents fantastic and secure relationship. (and I am aware they are insecurities).
Bottom line is, I fear that my insecure moments will ruin what I have now. As I am aware that when I am having a insecure moment, I seek clarification that my OH is happy and loves me. It is getting less and less but there seems to be times that it really niggles at me.
Just had to have a little rant.... xxx
Simple answer - YES!
What you've described is exactly how I feel alot of the time. It's hard not to things that happened in the past affect you. And sometimes when things are good (like they are in my current relationship) you obsess over what could go wrong & drive yourself insane.
Hope you're ok sweetie, always here if you need someone to talk to x
yes i feel the same way. however the emotionally abusive relationship for me was parental and not romantic
it does affect relationships in so far as i can be too clingy, too trusting and co dependant.
as with you it's a journey that i'm on trying to understand healthy relationships and it is tricky.
there's things that "trigger" my negative thoughts and patterns and I still haven't quite figured them all out ( as memories of the abuse are still locked away a little) but things like talking stuff through and cognitive behavioural therapy have helped a lot.
at least you know what the cause of it is and what makes you think negitivley/differently and can describe what it is to your OH - that's half the battle
sub-kitten wrote:
Simple answer - YES!
What you've described is exactly how I feel alot of the time. It's hard not to things that happened in the past affect you. And sometimes when things are good (like they are in my current relationship) you obsess over what could go wrong & drive yourself insane.
Hope you're ok sweetie, always here if you need someone to talk to x
sweetlove666 wrote at least you know what the cause of it is and what makes you think negitivley/differently and can describe what it is to your OH - that's half the battle
Thanks, its just been bugging me recently. I admit it is coming less and less frequent as I know I am in a secure, amazing relationship but saying this there seems to be days when I am feeling just that little bit too delicate, although I rarely share with the OH as I think he can tell when I've having a little wobble (usually when I am exhausted).
I know its in my head and have worked very hard at moving on. It just bugs me that one idiot from my past can cause some hurt inside. I rarely talk about it and only find people who have been in a similar relationship get what it is like. My friends think I am nuts that I rarely visit the city he is from, as I fear bumping into him (small chance in a HUGE CITY) that i know is nuts but its a general fear of seeing him. (amazing how the body works.)
Thanks guys.... x
i hope everything works out for you, the main thing is that you have realised the problem.
i used to be exactly the same then i realised regardless of being paranoid, jealous or insecure if someone is going to hurt you they are gonna do it wether you worry or not so you might aswell just enjoy there here and now and be happy that you have them, i know for most though it is easier said than done x
laurawalker wrote:
i hope everything works out for you, the main thing is that you have realised the problem.
i used to be exactly the same then i realised regardless of being paranoid, jealous or insecure if someone is going to hurt you they are gonna do it wether you worry or not so you might aswell just enjoy there here and now and be happy that you have them, i know for most though it is easier said than done x
Totally agree. I recognised it was a parnoia more than anything years ago... its more the fact I don't like how it can be an "annoyance" in my usually very happy world moreso makes me act out of character.
I couldn't be happier and know I have a great OH so hope it will eventually fade into nothing.
I can totally sympathise with this - though, for me, the relationship wasn't a romantic one; it was with an old "best" friend of mine.
Even now, seven years on, I find I still have periods of insecurity where my self-esteem hits rock bottom, I feel pretty negatively about myself, and what I'm doing, my future goals, etc. And I hate the fact that that really awful period I went through still has an effect on me, even today - it really frustrates me that, in a way, she still can manipulate me.
Especially when I know I've moved on, I'm going somewhere in life, and I can be confident in who I've become; that's partly why it's so frustrating where I have these periods where I act and feel completely different - out of character, as you said.
At least, though, you aware of it and trying to move on. I wish you the best of luck breaking free of the paranoia. Just remember that you're not alone next time you have one of these moments - maybe that'll help. :) Lots of hugs~ x
occhiverdi wrote:
I am in an amazing relationship and couldn't be happier. My problem being, I have days or moments when I realise my past (mentally abusive) relationship has left me more insecure than I usually realise. I recognise that my past relationship was not healthy as it was all about manipulation, lying, cheating and being rather controlling. Eventhough I know I am so over him, the relationship was over before it ended, I struggle with the facts that some of his actions, it ended in 2008, are still haunting me when I don't want them to.
I was wondering if anyone else has days/moments like this, when being in a bad/mentall abusive relationship can influence your secure feelings in the presents fantastic and secure relationship. (and I am aware they are insecurities).
Bottom line is, I fear that my insecure moments will ruin what I have now. As I am aware that when I am having a insecure moment, I seek clarification that my OH is happy and loves me. It is getting less and less but there seems to be times that it really niggles at me.
Just had to have a little rant.... xxx
You've described me! My OH and I are getting married in October and I told him from the word go about past relationships (the controlling, manipulating making me feel awful about myself type) and being raped (that was how my virginity was taken).
I was lucky enough that I knew I could trust him with all of the details of my past. He didnt look at me in a different light but instead let me be me and loves me for who I am. Its whatever has happened to us that makes us who we r today. You will gain strength from your experiences and soon realise (if you havent already) that you did nothing wrong.
I spent a few yrs of my life hating myself and believing i was worth nothing hence the bad relationships. But i eventually learnt how to put them to bed and get on with my life. My fiance also helped me with the very last little bits of my torment. So yes i fully understand how you feel.
Have you spoken to your OH about it? If he knows then he will understand that from time to time you need a little more love and reassurance. He wont leave you simply because your having an off day.
xxx
Yes i was sexually abused from the age of 11 untill i was 16 an i plucked up the courage to tell my tell oh ( who im still with now) there are still moments now i have like a sort of flash back 6 years on
My oh very supportive just talk to your oh if you havent already
Guys! Big hugs to all of you xxx
He knows some of it and I don't talk about it but I have mentioned bits of it in passing.
I tell him when I'm having a bad day which is enough for me personally and I think he gets it, at least I hope he does.
I'm over it just don't like the last few grains of sand left (so to speak)
I havnt had the experience but I know my daughter had. Look forward not back you cant undo previous mistakes just dont make the same ones again. Dont let the past ruin your present or whoever abused you is still doing it.
Aww guys... big hugs to you all.
Yes I agree it can be an issue at times but only when I feel insecure or that information is being omitted etc.
I suppose to come out of a abusive relationship ( I was unaware it was abusive until someone listened to what went on and explained that it doesn't have to be physical) with a fear of being hurt is natural and I will have to work on wnating to return to a city that I once loved by seeking new memories there.
It took me a long time to stop using him as an emotional crutch, as I thought we were just being ex's who had turned into friends until I realised he was still manipulating me about my current relationship.
One thing for sure is he is better off blocked and removed from my life.