Frustrated.

Off-Topic Chat
1

I don't know if I am being rather dramatic. OH and I are happy with little if no issues in the relationship but this being said I am going nuts at trying to get him to say how he feels. Yes, I know most men are hesitant to say how they feel and he shows it all the time.

I am craving to hear that he wants the same as me, I'm starting to fear he doesn't want kids or a wedding... we have been together three years and I have gotten used to the frienship with his ex, although I do get annoyed I have never met her I am not sure I want to.

What is annoying me is he won't say how he feels, partly as he can be stubborn when I start going on about it but the friendship with his ex fiancee is upsetting me and he just won't take notice. I don't expect the friendship to stop but I am upset that he talks to her more than he would me/before me about certain issues especially work and that hurts.

I understand they were together for 10 years or so but it is getting to the point, that because I have no rhyme or reason for them remaining friends, I am even starting to get upset about a silly gift she brought him back while on holiday.

I don't want to be "that girlfriend" but I don't know whether to assume I'm being silly hence he wont enter the discussion or there is something he is avoiding.

He is also going to a uni friends wedding, who I don't know, with his best mate and I assume his ex will be there. I am not wanting to go but I am hurt that he didn't even think it would bother me. It is more the fact he seems to hide me from his ex or hide her from me! Not sure which.

I am wondering if I am just being dramatic and territorial.

I do know he is the type of guy who if he didn't like it or want to do it, he wouldnt.

frustrated!!!

2

Tricky one

My wife is still jealous of my ex and we split up in 1979 lol

I always found it difficult to talk about, my ex really broke my heart in two but she was my first love and lover so always has a place in my heart. My wife has a completely different personality, attitude and mind set, there is no competition but its hard to get that across. I was only living with my ex for 3 months and still have feelings for her even though getting back together would be my worst nightmare.

My advice...........be confident that you are the one for him until you have concrete proof that you arnt. Men arnt great talkers, my wife never tries to "make" me talk about my feelings but some other women do and it irritates me no end.

3

Thanks Gunther.

He has told me in the past I have nothing to worry about. My ex put me through a lot of mental abuse and I know I can pin most of it on that but I suppose I get frustrated and want it my way at times!

I try hard not to bring things up but years ago during a conversation he told me his ex him too much to love again, so this is why I wonder why a) they remain friends and b) if he's just very quiet on the chat front.

I try not to push but get very annoyed at times that she's in the picture.

4

occhiverdi wrote:

Thanks Gunther.

He has told me in the past I have nothing to worry about. My ex put me through a lot of mental abuse and I know I can pin most of it on that but I suppose I get frustrated and want it my way at times!

I try hard not to bring things up but years ago during a conversation he told me his ex him too much to love again, so this is why I wonder why a) they remain friends and b) if he's just very quiet on the chat front.

I try not to push but get very annoyed at times that she's in the picture.

I think you may have missed out a verb like "hurt" where i made it bold.

I was the same didnt date anyone for two years, worked all hours that I could and took up motorcycle racing, I was good at it simply because I didnt care if I crashed ... a sort of death wish. I didnt believe I would ever love again (stupid at 19 yrs old I know). In the end my wife to be had to come into my local, insist on a date and then drag me off to bed...that did it lol

Its hard enough for men to talk about their loves.....broken hearts are close to impossible (cept on a forum)

5

gunther wrote:

occhiverdi wrote:

Thanks Gunther.

He has told me in the past I have nothing to worry about. My ex put me through a lot of mental abuse and I know I can pin most of it on that but I suppose I get frustrated and want it my way at times!

I try hard not to bring things up but years ago during a conversation he told me his ex him too much to love again, so this is why I wonder why a) they remain friends and b) if he's just very quiet on the chat front.

I try not to push but get very annoyed at times that she's in the picture.

I think you may have missed out a verb like "hurt" where i made it bold.

I was the same didnt date anyone for two years, worked all hours that I could and took up motorcycle racing, I was good at it simply because I didnt care if I crashed ... a sort of death wish. I didnt believe I would ever love again (stupid at 19 yrs old I know). In the end my wife to be had to come into my local, insist on a date and then drag me off to bed...that did it lol

Its hard enough for men to talk about their loves.....broken hearts are close to impossible (cept on a forum)

lol why yes it should be and that sentence haunts me?!

Yes he'd been single for 18 months when I met him so its been what nearly 5 years since they ended it all now!!

I suppose I will never get it and being latin, I find it harder to cope with silence

FYI I dragged him to bed the first night I met him and we've spent very little time apart!!!! :D

6

he sounds much like me, I wouldnt worry too much

about 10 yrs ago there was a chance that I would meet my ex, she was a metallurgist and I was visiting where she worked as a client. fate played a hand and she had left 6 months before. My wife very pointedly asked "if she was there would you have told me" a good question, the only reason I wouldnt tell her is for fear of a wild bout of unfounded jealousy for a woman I fell in and out of love with (what is now) three decades ago.

7

As Gunter says.... 'tricky one', OV.

For me, your story has a very familiar ring. And I can't be quite as optimistic and reassuring as Gunter is (though I wouldn't question his judgement for a second).

I have been in your OH's shoes. I've had a GF who kept wanting to hear me say that I intended to marry her. And I've had a GF while keeping conversationally and mentally 'close' with an ex.

In my opinion, he's avoiding talking about these things because he doesn't want to lie to you..... and if he tells you the truth, he's afraid you'll get hurt..... and that then, that 'latin temperament' will turn ballistic !

Oh.... this is a crap situation you're in ! You write well.... and I can hear your anguish.

To be honest, you weren't wise to sleep with him the first time you met him. By doing that, you accelerated the progress of the relationship to supersonic speed. The risk you took in doing that, is that your BF got hooked on you before he had a chance to decide if you were really right for him. Of course, it wasn't just you. After a year and a half 'alone', he was absolutely ready for a gorgeous Italian woman to come along.

So, how to sort it..... and give you some peace of mind?

Basically, he's still fond of his ex. But he has reassured you that he would never go back to her. I absolutely believe that, if she really hurt him. (I've been in that situation too.... and that was also the way I thought, even though I still liked her).

So, you don't have to be really jealous about her. It would be sad if he had to stop all contact with her..... after 10 years together, it's entirely to be expected that they like to confide... and maybe she gives really skilful, reassuring, advice to him. It would also cause considerable resentment on his part, if you have a 'showdown' over her..... especially as he knows he won't pick-up with her again, and you're just being 'pointlessly jealous'.

Obviously, you need to get an answer to the 'marriage and children' question. Let's face it, if it's something you must have..... and something HE doesn't want...... then something's got to give. Either, you find a new man, or you modify your aspirations. Failing that, (and I'm a guy and I shouldn't be saying this) there are ways to 'precipitate' marriage and a child happening.... but that's a matter for your conscience.

Tell him you understand about the ex.... and that doesn't really bother you, even though it's a bit unusual and slightly 'unsettling'. But it would be helpful to know where he stands regarding marriage and a family. Tell him your gut feeling is that it's not really for him..... and that's OK, but you'd really like to understand what his position is..... so that you can get your thinking straight about the matter.

Then take it from there.... if the answer is 'no', the three options are before you.

Good luck with it, OV : )

8

awww thankyou. I have never outright asked him but he knows I want children, marraige not so much!!

he is a deep one and i know when to stop pushing to be honest.

He can be stubborn as can I so that is something i take into account at times.

I joke about diamonds and he always says not yet lol but he knows I am no where near ready for children.

Its a tricky one and something that bugs me on and off.

The ex is my issue as i feel she crosses the line in buying him souveniers when she goes away and giving him xmas presents, which again may be just me being a bit of a cow! lol

Time will tell... he knows what i want and he is the type of guy who wouldn't stick around if he didnt share a similar feeling.