Need to talk this through with someone

Off-Topic Chat
1

Hello everyone,

I've not been very active on the forums lately, I'm more of a lurker these days, but I've come here with this because I need to get some stuff off my chest and get an opinion from someone completely outside and this feels like the only place I have to do it. This is probably gonna turn rant-ish and talking to myself, but feel free to give support :)

I just don't know what to do any more with my boyfriend. We’ve been together over three years now. He was my first boyfriend and things have changed an awful lot over the time we’ve been together.

Things were all new and exciting at the beginning, as you can imagine. We spent as much time together as we could and times apart were really tough. We spent loads of time on MSN talking. The sex was amazing, and still is amazing. He’d been chasing me for six years prior to us getting together. We talked about so much and we got on so well.

These days, I don’t know, it just feels like it’s changed. It’s gotten into a sort of lull (is that the right word?). This is the only relationship I’ve ever known so I don’t know whether this is something to be concerned about or whether it’s something all relationships go through.

Things just don’t feel the same any more. I find it difficult to get excited when I know he’s coming over, and he appears to be finding it difficult to make the effort. I have to text him for there to be any small chance of him coming online to talk to me now. He doesn’t often text me back, despite numerous occasions where I’ve told him how much it annoys me. Him starting up a conversation, whether text, MSN, even IRL, is pretty much unheard of. I’ve heard from his other friends that he’s much the same with them so I don’t think it’s anything personal, it’s just the way it is, but I find it infuriating sometimes.

Today I texted him around 12.45PM to tell him I was ready for him to come over (we’d arranged that he was gonna come over today) and for him to text me when he knew what time it was likely to be. He has no job right now and his sleeping pattern is out of whack, so when I hadn’t heard from him after a few hours I just assumed he was sleeping. However, when he was over this evening, he revealed that he’d been awake since 6AM this morning and clearly didn’t feel any kind of urgency to see me or even answer my text. I wouldn’t have been offended if he’d said he wanted to come later in the afternoon, I just hate feeling like an afterthought to him, like something he’ll get around to later.

My sister tells me that I shouldn’t text him or anything and see how long it is before he gets in touch with me, but I fear that it would never happen, partly because that’s not the way he is, partly because we’ve just gotten into the groove over these three years of it always being me who starts everything.

Whenever it’s my birthday or our anniversary, he makes a point of not saying anything until the exact time of my birth/our getting together. It drives me nuts as they’re both late in the day, but I’ve come to learn that it’s his way of doing things. On my birthday last year, he kissed me at the right time, but he never said happy birthday once. It wasn’t until I texted him after he’d left that he said it.

He is a very sexual person and makes a big thing of my boobs. I like the attention and how it makes me feel good about my body (which makes a big change from my family who constantly put me down about my weight), but other times it makes me feel like I’m just a pair of boobs to him. I’m sure I brought this up a long time ago on the forums and people said it was just him being a typical bloke putting his foot in it rather than meaning anything.

The sex between us is great though. He makes an effort to make it feel good for me, and although his boundaries are way further out than mine are, it means that I don’t have to be scared to try anything I want to try.

He’s pretty sexist most of the time and I end up laughing at it and playing up to it, else I’d just end up crying. I’m not even sure if he means it seriously or not. Sometimes I feel like he thinks I’m stupid. If we go out and we’re crossing the road, he’ll hold my hand and pull me along if we’re not moving fast enough. Part of me feels like he’s being protective and doesn’t want me to get lost or whatever, but part of it feels possessive, like he doesn’t want to wait for me.

He’s got this thing about when we live together, we’re going to have a dungeon in our house. I really don’t want a dungeon for numerous reasons – if nothing else I’d rather have a kitted up bedroom. But no, he insists we’re having a dungeon. We have joking arguments about it, but he’s so stubborn, I worry that when we actually are living together and a dungeon is vaguely feasible it’s going to turn into many massive, serious arguments. He’s so stubborn about everything he wants, it’s not just the dungeon that I fear is going to tear massive rifts between us.

Tonight we were lying in bed. We’d had some great sex, gone downstairs for dinner and then came back up to bed. He was sleepy and I was pretty restless as it happened. All my toys are in storage right now and the sex hadn’t given me an orgasm, and without an orgasm or a toy to finish myself off with, I tend to get a bit restless. I’m not moaning about him being sleepy because when I do orgasm I conk out shortly after, but it was just the way he made me feel completely unwanted, between pretty much ignoring me and his fecking new Android phone that he won’t leave alone for more than 15 minutes.

I just don’t know what to do any more. Sometimes I feel like I’d be a fool to leave him because I do love him and I know he loves me, he just doesn’t show it very well (unsure if it’s him or just men in general). Other times I picture myself in ten years’ time asking myself why I didn’t leave him now while things are relatively uncomplicated between us in terms of life. Most of the stuff I’ve written here is stuff I’ve spoken to him before, and when I do things get better for a bit, then they go right back to being the way they were.

This is a pretty one-sided rant, there are good things, but I needed to get this off my chest and there are times like now where the good things feel kind of insignificant.

2

As someone who has spent waaaay too long unemployed, I do recognise a lot of what he's doing as signs of the aimless-pointless-drifting that that kind of situation drags you into. If days just kind of bleed into each other, nothing to make one good and another bad, then time escapes. I've had a text in the morning, put the phone down to go get a coffee thinging I'll answer it after, and when I think of it again it's nearly midnight. nothing's important, because you can always get to it tomorrow or the day after or the day after that, because what else do you have going on? It's almost like making any effort to do something rather than just waiting until it flows in by accident is utterly pointless and, if there's no reason to put yourself out, then why do it? Obviously, that's shit: it made me feel worthless for not having any drive, and it's infuriating for other people - like you - who perhaps do have something better to do tomorrow, and so can't wait until Sadsack feels like drifting in their general direction.

Not saying that's definitely the case, or that it covers everything, or even that it's a good excuse, but I do know how hard it can be to stick to a normal routine when there's absolutely no reason to, and especially once your sleep patterns get dicked about with, you'll always feel a bit weird and semi-dazed, making you more lazy.

You could try pushing him to get something else going on. Once I went back to college, just having the routine of having to get up, having to go soemwhere, having to pay attention...it dragged things back into focus, and made me feel better enough about myself that I actually felt bad about shuffling around in greasy hair and a bathrobe at 5pm, and started to make the effort again. Something regular, whether it's a class, or a sports team, or a regular gym slot, or a volunteer position, but something that lets you take away a bit of pride like you've accomplished something, if you can convince him to take that step (and he'll fight it by sheer dint of going "meh" and not bothering!) might get him out of the funk enough to remember how normal people function, and so realise that not responding to a text for a whole day is a bit dickish, or ignoring your needs because he's tired is selfish, or playing with his new toy constantly because he's left his brain on snooze for too long isn't ok.

I don't think it looks like it;s bad enough to break up over: you seem frustrated, but not at the end of your tether, so there's still scope to pull it all back. To be honest, assuming I'm right about the "unemployment zombie syndrome" thing, it's not an easy fix, because he will not help you to fix it because he won't be capable of considering why it's such a big deal: you'll have to be the one to push him, and almost nag him to get him to get off his arse and find a purpose in his days, and only once he wakes up enough to see it clearly will there be a chance that he'll feel like he actually needs to fix things. In a way, it's the same symptoms as depression, except without the actual sadness, so it needs "treating" the same way: don't blame him or punish him, but sure as fuck don't coddle him and pander to it.

'course I could be way off, but that's what jumps out at me for the most part of it. Whatever happens, hope you manage to sort it for the best and be happy, preferably together. x

3

Hiya Ecks! Haven't seen you around for ages mate. Nice to see you and I hope you are okay lovely :)

Well, I've read loads of your posts over the years and the reocurring theme is that your fella doesn't stay in touch with you as much as he should! So like you say, that's just the way he is. But if he isn't working (and I think you are?) he should deffo make the effort imo! You sound a lot more mature than him to be honest Ecks and after only three years the magic has gone so to speak? I'm looking at this from my point of view. . . He must be mad girl! You are a lovely, vibrant, intelligent girl as far as I've seen on here so he apparently doesn't know what he's got in his life and doesn't seem to appreciate you enough but it looks like he thinks about himself a lot from what you say and dare I say a bit of a control freak? If you were my daughter and you told me the above I'd say tell him exactly how you feel and if he doesn't change his tune get rid of him because you can do and deserve better than somebody like that. Life is not just about great sex but all the loads of other big and little things that go on around your sex life. Now I'm talking as somebody who wasted a lot of years on a really shit relationship and now I'm out of it and can look back with a clear mind I realise my mistake of staying in it as long as I did. So I may come across as a tad harsh but I've got no time for people wasting my precious time so I don't put up with them anymore! Best wishes to you Ecks and I do hope you sort this out to your satisfaction :) ps-I agree with your sister. Just see how long it takes him to contact you. SG x
4

Thanks guys, it does help.

He's not working at the moment, whereas I've got a weekend job, I'm part of an am dram group with regular rehearsals and I help out with my mum's business, so there are always things going on every day of the week that I don't want to be tired for. I was brought up to have regular bedtimes and I don't like letting my sleep cycle get too out of whack. Him on the other hand, his mum has always just left him to his own devices and he just sleeps whenever he wants. We've spoken about when we have kids, he doesnt want to make them sleep or anything, he says when they're too tired for school it's their own fault and they'll learn, which I think is just wrong but that's the way his life has been.

I was pretty shy before we got together, I'd never had a boyfriend and I'd always rejected and stayed far away from anyone who said they had an interest in me, they scared me. What made me make a move with him was that we got on so well. Every other guy I'd ever known only sort of knew one side of me, depending on what capacity they know me in. With him, I don't feel stupid talking about whatever part of my life is occupying my mind that day.

He's not a control freak, far from it. Sometimes I wish he would be a little more controlling, take the initiative etc because right now it's always down to me to make anything happen.

You're right BB, I am just frustrated. When I wrote that post last night I was suffering from a hormone crash. On one hand it's easy to say it's just the hormones, on the other hand it's not like I'm making this stuff up. My sister has always said she can't imagine me with someone else. SG, you're also right though, I do need to talk to him and tell him things have got to change. We seem to have these talks every so often and things change for a while after that, then they slowly drift back to what they were before. Maybe instead of telling him that he needs to do X because I'm feeling Y, I just need to tell him I'm feeling Y and he needs to do something about it.

5

he sounds controlling to me, you are already doubting yourself if you ever live with each other over the dungeon etc, you are doubting yourself regarding simple thing of when and if you have children together what time they should go to sleep, he is not texting or replying back to you which takes no effort at all,

are you staying with him because you are scared of being on your own or because you dont know any different

i may be speaking out of turn here but it sounds like nothing to do with hormones, it just sounds like you are not happy and actually a little scared as you do everything he tells you to to

hope you sort it out and sorry if ive offended, i truly dont mean too x

6

No, you're not out of turn Rach, you've given me more to think about.

He was the first boyfriend I ever had, and as I said I rejected and stayed far away from anyone who said they had an interest in me before that. He'd been chasing me for six years prior to us getting together, but in the last few of those years, he stopped making it obvious. He told me he didn't see me in that way any more, but I thought (and was right) that he realised it was freaking me out and so backed off.

In some ways I'm a strong person, in other ways not. I made the move to get together with him because I was so certain that nothing could go wrong. I knew he wouldnt say no and everything would be funky dory. I never factored in that one day he might stop bothering.

Now I think about it, 70% of the reasons I want to stay with him is that I'm scared of being alone and I don't want to be single again, but when I think of the other 30% of reasons, most of it is stuff I could still get out of him as a friend without all the heartbreak that I'm going through now. My dad is always going on about how I'm getting old now and I need to settle down before time runs out, and I know that's a load of absolute rubbish, but it has had a somewhat psychological effect on me. I'm 25 now, and I'm sure it's going to be no time at all before I'm 30. I see so many people around these days, people who were in my year at school, hell, people who were in years below me in school, married with kids. I don't desire to be in their position, but I feel like their life is really moving along nicely for them and they're happy and I'm just sat here, living with my parents with not very much to show for my life yet, which I think is another fear of me breaking up with him, taking a step backwards in life.

Another thing is my contraceptive implant. I've had it almost three years now and I'm due to have it replaced next week, which is why this issue is bearing somewhat heavily on my mind. It's been a great method of contraception and the benefits have outweighed the cons, but there are some things about it that I've grown tired of over the three years I've had it in and I kind of want my body back. Part of me is thinking now maybe if I don't have it replaced, just have it removed and we can't have sex, that would probably be a make or break thing for our relationship I think.

Living together is another make or break thing I feel - if we were living together there are some things like texting back that wouldnt be an issue any more, there are other things which would become more of an issue, but overall I think now it's more underlying issues, the causes of why he doesn't text me back etc.

7

Get yourself a good beginners BDSM or Dominatrice book (have a look at Kindle e-books), go shopping at Lovehoney for a few things...stockings, a corset, a whip or two, maybe a Feeldoe or some restraints...then YOU do the dungeon.

He then either gets better or you dump his ass.

8

Hey Ecks sweetie! I hope you're well and you're not working too hard!

It seems to me that throughout your post there's a lot of thinking he feels one way, unsure if it's "just his way", and you're not sure if he's serious about some of his portrayed opinions....there seems to be a lot of unknowns for a pretty committed relationship. I'm in a similar situation to you in that I've only had one serious relationship so I don't want to tell you how it "should" be (and even someone who's loads of experience wouldn't - there's no right way) but for me - the most wonderful thing about my relationship with WandA is that there's no second guessing - I know how he feels and if I don't, I ask and he tells. Sometimes it's important to bring things up at the right time but it's always clear cut.

I know this isn't true for all relationships - but it does exist - and I don't think it's too much to expect from your partner. I'd be inclined to really insist on talking things through - be prepared to listen too. Cards on the table - let him bring up any issues he has and you air yours, make sure you're careful to not offend each other but make sure you both try your best not to get offended too because sometimes airing the bad stuff can do the world of good. You know what page you're both on and you can decide the best course of action.

I'm like SG - I don't think life's worth wasting being unhappy. But at the same relationships are never plain sailing - they take mutual work. But it helps if you're both working in the same direction so communication is the what I'd suggest as the next step. Though I think you need to really make sure he listens and appreciates that it's becoming a big issue for you.

I hear what you're saying about the worry about being single - but look at it another way, if you stay together now, and still end up splitting up later, you've wasted time being together that you could have spent settling into singledom and mixing with plenty of other people your age who are looking for relationships.

I'm not trying to push you one way or another at all - but it seems something isn't right and you're not happy as things are - something has to give and all you have control over really is being in the relationship, you can tell him how important it is that he understands the importance of these issues (and it's definitely worth a try) but you can't force him to do something about it!

I hope you come to a conclusion that suits you and you end up happy my lovely - you deserve a happy relationship and I hope you prioritise that when you make your decision :)

Adxx

9

Hi everyone, thanks for the advice.

We had a talk about it and the issues surrounding it. I think one of the main things was that we didn't get to talk often enough, it would be crammed into one giant conversation once every week or so when I could persuade him to come online, and the time between that I was getting all down in the dumps and little things were turning into big things.

He's now changed his MSN so that it automatically signs him in when he's on his computer (which is alot of the time) so he's available to talk to every day if I want to. It seems like a little thing, but it's making a big difference.

I gave him a link to this thread as all the feelings I had were already written down more clearly than if I tried to explain it to him direct, and most of it's been cleared up. I've gotta give him credit for the fact that he always listens to what I've got to say and takes it seriously, even though he sometimes forgets some of it later on.