AdnaW wrote:
Lubyanka wrote:
AdnaW wrote:
[...] Expectation should really only be applied to reasonable things, and even then, it isn't really fair to expect someone to behave a particular way, only to have expectations of yourself to leave/look someone who does/doesn't behave a way that you "need".
I think that expectations are only unreasonable if they haven't been negotiated and agreed upon. If expectations have been specifically and explicitly negotiated and consented to, I think those are reasonable, whatever they are.
Yes you're right....in a way, there are some things I would never expect of my partner, I wouldn't expect them, but I would feel I had the right to at least ask him....maybe it's all down to definitions of words though. Even if my OH agreed to do/not do a certain thing, I wouldn't be angry with him if he changed his mind, it is his right to decide and only his....however if I had told him that said action was/was not acceptable to me (and he had agreed something based on this) and he chose to do/not do it then I would have doubts as to whether the relationship was ideal because he obviously hadn't considered my opinion on the matter.
I guess I expect things like respect from my partner, but in a way, I do not "expect" it of a partner, I just know that it is a condition of any relationship I have. Maybe that doesn't make sense - I hope it does.
Well of course, consent isn't only a one time thing, consent must be given (at least within oneself) on every single occasion a choice is made to agree to continue. Consent is ongoing.
Negotiation isn't only a one time thing either, it's also ongoing, it can be done as many times as you like, all the time. It can be as simple as agreeing to go to the shops or as complex as consenting to certain difficult situations within limits. I think that successful negotiation requires a good self-awareness of what one's boundaries and limits are so they can be explicitly expressed. I also think that good negotiation skills are pretty much the key to successful human interactions.
So if a partner consents to something, and then withdraws it for whatever reason (as they are entitled to do), then that is the time to renegotiate terms which are acceptable to and consensual for all participants.
Consent may be withdrawn at any time, and terms renegotiated at any time. None of that is set in stone. Your example was interesting AdnaW, because your first example was your partner renegotiating the limits of his consensual boundaries and asking your consent to respect those, and in your second example you have already negotiated the limits of your own consensual boundaries with your partner and he has transgressed your consent by failing to respect it.
And you note that if at any time your partner transgresses your consent you wouldn't be happy about that, which is all very reasonable.
I agree that I have certain expectations in relationships which I explicitly specify at the beginning such as respect for my consent and my respect for theirs, and my requirement that these things be negotiated before my consent is assumed. For me, dishonesty is a deal breaker and my partners all know that. Some people are prepared to accept dishonesty and they are entitled to make those choices. I think it's down to what any given individual needs and negotiates with their partner.