never gonna be easy is it? well everyone had pretty much said the same throughout.
take it slow, with minor increments of bondage, and if he gets into it, then you can start leaping hurdles in bondage fun. or pony play :P
I find that one of the big problems with some "spontaneous" activities, is that suddenly springing them on a partner with little or no prior negotiation can deny that partner adequate opportunity to decline consent. And in my experience a lack of explicitly expressed consent can only ever end badly.
I can see where you're coming from but sometimes I think there's a time for talk and a time for action! Some of my best sexual experiences have been where my other half has just gone ahead and done something different...spanking is an obvious one: when I was younger and more naieve I thought the idea of spanking was hilarious and not remotely sexy! If my partner had tried to discuss it with me I would certainly have declined. As it happens one day we were having sex from behind and he just went for it! I felt the first "thwack" of a spank and I haven't looked back since!
I think if you know each other well enough and there's trust and understanding bewteen you...exploring your boundaries together can be hugely exciting! My OH and I try stuff all the time and sometimes its great and other times not so much but the fact that we share new experiences together makes us closer as a couple.
Having said all this though it really does depend on a persons reasons for not wanting to be involved in an activity...if it reminds someone of a traumatic experience for example I'd say give it a wide berth, similarly if someones tried it before and doesn't like it. However, if the refusal comes from a lack of understanding of what's involved, e.g. with bondage a person might be picturing all kinds of medieval torture devices! A quick and light conversation would get to the bottom of the reasons without making it into too big a deal: an intense discussion might sound a little accusing and scare off someone who was actually curious!
xxKPxx
KittyPurry wrote:
I find that one of the big problems with some "spontaneous" activities, is that suddenly springing them on a partner with little or no prior negotiation can deny that partner adequate opportunity to decline consent. And in my experience a lack of explicitly expressed consent can only ever end badly.
I can see where you're coming from but sometimes I think there's a time for talk and a time for action! Some of my best sexual experiences have been where my other half has just gone ahead and done something different...spanking is an obvious one: when I was younger and more naieve I thought the idea of spanking was hilarious and not remotely sexy! If my partner had tried to discuss it with me I would certainly have declined. As it happens one day we were having sex from behind and he just went for it! I felt the first "thwack" of a spank and I haven't looked back since!
I think if you know each other well enough and there's trust and understanding bewteen you...exploring your boundaries together can be hugely exciting! My OH and I try stuff all the time and sometimes its great and other times not so much but the fact that we share new experiences together makes us closer as a couple.
Having said all this though it really does depend on a persons reasons for not wanting to be involved in an activity...if it reminds someone of a traumatic experience for example I'd say give it a wide berth, similarly if someones tried it before and doesn't like it. However, if the refusal comes from a lack of understanding of what's involved, e.g. with bondage a person might be picturing all kinds of medieval torture devices! A quick and light conversation would get to the bottom of the reasons without making it into too big a deal: an intense discussion might sound a little accusing and scare off someone who was actually curious!
In my world, I consider that consent belongs only to the person giving or declining, and to nobody else. Consent only "depends" on the person saying yes or no, and not on their reasons or anybody else's opinion on those reasons. So if a person declines their consent, no matter what the reason, I think that respecting that is way more important than doing something which might or might not turn out well.
Also, I consider that the right to consent is absolute, no justification required. To me this means that I have no right to demand that they justify their decision. They can consent or decline for whatever reason and that is that. I can ask for a reason, but I have no right to one. In my experience, most people don't always know why they decline their consent, and therefore a "quick and light conversation" just isn't sufficient to determine that. That's even assuming it's any of my business which in my opinion it isn't. And no matter what their reasons for declining, I know that I have no right whatsoever to take it upon myself to decide consent on their behalf, especially when they explicitly said no. So I cannot allow for my opinion on their reasons to justify me ignoring their consent. In my mind that is abuse and I will not go there.
If specific people have specific agreements between them which allows for un-negotiated activities, and if that works well for them, then that is fair enough for them. But that never works in my life because I require to always have the opportunity to decline, and I also offer that to my partners. In my opinion, I think that consent or declining of consent must be accommodated by default, and entering into a non-negotiating arrangement should be specifically, especially, and explicitly negotiated. If you personally have such an arrangement in your relationships, that's fair enough, for you. I just find that assuming that is true for everybody tends to end badly.
Besides which, I also find that if an activity is postponed to establish consent for it first, this tends to make it more exciting, not less. So I see no reason to rush into activities because they are likely to be every bit as exciting later on. You can't know for sure that your exciting experiences would have been any less exciting if you'd discussed them first. So why assume otherwise and rush into it? What's the hurry?
And if somebody is scared off by talking about it, then ok, let them be scared off. That is their right and you can discuss it later when they're feeling better. Potential fear is a poor reason for avoiding a topic of discussion, in my experience. The fear is an indicator that there is something there to work on, so facing that has always worked out best for me. I won't do the hide-and-shiver-in-a-box thing, and I won't allow my partners to do so either, not if they want to remain my partners. And if they want to decline consent because of fear, that is absolutely their right, and I have no entitlement whatsoever to override that arbitrarily, just because I don't like their decision.
If you want to forego talk in favour of taking risks with your own and your partner's consent, that is your choice to make between you. I disagree that your entitlement to choose this path means that it is automatically appropriate for everybody.
In my world, if there is no time for talk, then un-negotiated action is off the menu.
I'm slightly concerned that I'm sounding slightly like a sex-pest here! I'm honestly not....
" I can ask for a reason, but I have no right to one...consent or declining of consent must be accommodated by default" I absolutely agree with all the points about consent being of paramount importance..I'm not so sex crazed that I'm in anyway condoning abuse! I just think that there are situations where spontaneity adds to the excitement and discussion would detract from this...for example if I wake up and my partner is giving me oral sex, I don't feel that I have been violated because he didn't ask!
I also think that with something like bondage that does incorperate a certain element of fear, control and pushing of boundaries...consent becomes a LOT more complicated! Safe words for example are specifically used because the normal "yes/no" words don't mean the same, being blindfolded and bound is scary...you feel helpless and vulnerable but that makes it exciting for bondage bunnies.
"I disagree that your entitlement to choose this path means that it is automatically appropriate for everybody" I think you might have misunderstood me if you feel the need to disagree with this...I don't think that the same rules apply to everyone I can and would only ever speak about my own experiences and POV! I express my opinions about things and I really don't intend them to sound like laws of physics! It might just be my terrible wording and I appologise if I've upset you but I feel that I'm being slightly unfairly painted as the bad girl here (and not the good kind of bad)! Kiss and make-up?
xxKPxx
Don't worry KP.
I think you certainly don't sound like a sex pest! You have expressed yourself in, what I believe to be a clear manner and have expressed your views to me.
I understand where you are coming from, a lot of the sex I engage in with my OH isn't explicitly consentual, it does not need to be... if she wanted us to stop she would tell me. I think for someone in the BDSM community the expression of consent is a bigger issue.
Sometimes these forums can be a bit confrontational or intimidating, we just need to remember most of the stuff posted here is opinion and not law (as you stated) and that each point is just as valid.
WandA wrote:
Don't worry KP.
I think you certainly don't sound like a sex pest! You have expressed yourself in, what I believe to be a clear manner and have expressed your views to me.
I understand where you are coming from, a lot of the sex I engage in with my OH isn't explicitly consentual, it does not need to be... if she wanted us to stop she would tell me. I think for someone in the BDSM community the expression of consent is a bigger issue.
Sometimes these forums can be a bit confrontational or intimidating, we just need to remember most of the stuff posted here is opinion and not law (as you stated) and that each point is just as valid.External Media
Thanking you so much, you really don't know how relieved I am! I've been worried sick that I some how sounded like I was condoning assult which is absolutely the last thing in the world I would want. I couldn't live with myself if I thought I had in some way contributed to that happening to someone else.
xxKPxx
KittyPurry wrote:
WandA wrote:
Don't worry KP.
I think you certainly don't sound like a sex pest! You have expressed yourself in, what I believe to be a clear manner and have expressed your views to me.
I understand where you are coming from, a lot of the sex I engage in with my OH isn't explicitly consentual, it does not need to be... if she wanted us to stop she would tell me. I think for someone in the BDSM community the expression of consent is a bigger issue.
Sometimes these forums can be a bit confrontational or intimidating, we just need to remember most of the stuff posted here is opinion and not law (as you stated) and that each point is just as valid.External Media
Thanking you so much, you really don't know how relieved I am! I've been worried sick that I some how sounded like I was condoning assult which is absolutely the last thing in the world I would want. I couldn't live with myself if I thought I had in some way contributed to that happening to someone else.
xxKPxx
oh give it a rest sex pest! External Media Its easy for people to forget, especially newbies, that its a forum, just because we all have an unhealthy interest in sex doesn't mean we all hold the same views / opinions. If nothing else, fair play to you for having the bottle to speak up and express yours x
KittyPurry wrote:
WandA wrote:
Don't worry KP.
I think you certainly don't sound like a sex pest! You have expressed yourself in, what I believe to be a clear manner and have expressed your views to me.
I understand where you are coming from, a lot of the sex I engage in with my OH isn't explicitly consentual, it does not need to be... if she wanted us to stop she would tell me. I think for someone in the BDSM community the expression of consent is a bigger issue.
Sometimes these forums can be a bit confrontational or intimidating, we just need to remember most of the stuff posted here is opinion and not law (as you stated) and that each point is just as valid.External Media
Thanking you so much, you really don't know how relieved I am! I've been worried sick that I some how sounded like I was condoning assult which is absolutely the last thing in the world I would want. I couldn't live with myself if I thought I had in some way contributed to that happening to someone else.
xxKPxx
Language is rubbish!External Media
There are more ways to say what you don't mean with the same words than saying what you do mean!
With so many things consent is implied depending who the person is, it works for me and you in some sex situations so let it be!External Media (You and me as seperate entitiesExternal Media)
man you guys take things far too seriously/personally sometimes
WandA wrote:
There are more ways to say what you don't mean with the same words than saying what you do mean!
What you saying then?External Media
SG69
DesignDude wrote:
man you guys take things far too seriously/personally sometimes External Media
you mean when you called me a cock you didn't really mean it? External Media lol thats just forums for you.
SmoothOne wrote:
KittyPurry wrote:
WandA wrote:
Don't worry KP.
I think you certainly don't sound like a sex pest! You have expressed yourself in, what I believe to be a clear manner and have expressed your views to me.
I understand where you are coming from, a lot of the sex I engage in with my OH isn't explicitly consentual, it does not need to be... if she wanted us to stop she would tell me. I think for someone in the BDSM community the expression of consent is a bigger issue.
Sometimes these forums can be a bit confrontational or intimidating, we just need to remember most of the stuff posted here is opinion and not law (as you stated) and that each point is just as valid.External Media
Thanking you so much, you really don't know how relieved I am! I've been worried sick that I some how sounded like I was condoning assult which is absolutely the last thing in the world I would want. I couldn't live with myself if I thought I had in some way contributed to that happening to someone else.
xxKPxx
oh give it a rest sex pest! External Media Its easy for people to forget, especially newbies, that its a forum, just because we all have an unhealthy interest in sex doesn't mean we all hold the same views / opinions. If nothing else, fair play to you for having the bottle to speak up and express yours x
Lol thanks Duckie External Media
I just get riled if I feel like words are getting put in my mouth...I LIKE that people have different views to mine I just don't really like being told what my views are!
Still like I said proabably my fault for not speaking earthling!
xxKPxx
Kitty. . . . .Last night I stayed at my OH's house. Whilst we were having sex/making lurrrve. . . .In the missionary position I accidently slipped into her arse Oops! Now that's not something I would normally do without letting her know first to be honest but it just happened in the heat of the moment plus there was lube everywhere but guess what? She didn't mind and asked me to keep it going !
I of course being the gent I am. . . .obliged!
SG69 x
SmoothOne wrote:
DesignDude wrote:
man you guys take things far too seriously/personally sometimes External Media
you mean when you called me a cock you didn't really mean it? External Media lol thats just forums for you.
You don't mean to say that when you say mean things you don't mean to say them!? External Media
xxKPxx
KittyPurry wrote:
SmoothOne wrote:
DesignDude wrote:
man you guys take things far too seriously/personally sometimes External Media
you mean when you called me a cock you didn't really mean it? External Media lol thats just forums for you.
You don't mean to say that when you say mean things you don't mean to say them!? External Media
xxKPxx
oh where you are involved I do SOOOO mean them! External Media
SEXYGET 69 wrote:
Kitty. . . . .Last night I stayed at my OH's house. Whilst we were having sex/making lurrrve. . . .In the missionary position I accidently slipped into her arse Oops! Now that's not something I would normally do without letting her know first to be honest but it just happened in the heat of the moment plus there was lube everywhere but guess what? She didn't mind and asked me to keep it going !
I of course being the gent I am. . . .obliged!External Media
SG69 x
My mind boggles as to how you accidentally slip into someones ass, but (or should that be butt) I'm glad she liked it and well done for remembering the top three most important things for good anal...lube, lube and more lube!
xxKPxx
SmoothOne wrote:
KittyPurry wrote:
SmoothOne wrote:
DesignDude wrote:
man you guys take things far too seriously/personally sometimes External Media
you mean when you called me a cock you didn't really mean it? External Media lol thats just forums for you.
You don't mean to say that when you say mean things you don't mean to say them!? External Media
xxKPxx
oh where you are involved I do SOOOO mean them! External Media
Meanie! External Media
Well... lube makes you slippy!
That's exactly how it happened! It was just a lubefest!
SG69
Slippy is one thing but stretching is quite another...I'd jump a mile if my better half suddenly slipped in up to the hilt (so to speak)!
xxKPxx