I'm curious to hear people's experiences - how do you deal with being hit on in clubs or such like if you're not interested? I'm never sure how polite/direct to be.
Also, couples who go out places together, do you get approached by single guys? I'm starting to think that going out to clubs as a couple seems to be a massive sign that implies "we're kinky and looking for a MMF threesome". It seems to be happening a lot lately and my partner doesn't really appreciate it and it's tricky to deal with.
I struggle with saying no by justifying it through my boyfriend. You know 'sorry I'm someone else's' just really rubs me the wrong way like I can't just say 'no' and that's that. If I am approached I generally just have a polite conversation and then move away as soon as possible, if it continues after that, I've done a firm 'not interested' line. To be honest, I usually get grief from this, as a plus size woman I usually get the come back of 'oh well you're a whale anyway' or 'you should be grateful you fat (expletive).' When I was younger, I used to do the whole lesbian thing with my friend, but generally that encourages people and now that I'm out as bisexual, I find that quite offensive as well. Bit ashamed I ever thought it was okay to be honest. Only once has a man gotten aggressive to the point where he (a complete stranger) shoved his hand up my dress and I had to resort to a slap. But I do have infamously large breasts and I constantly have strangers grab or motorboat them. I find having a word with a bouncer or security guard is the only way to get out of that one.
When I'm with my partner, he's so affectionate that no one really approaches us. I do wonder what type of club you're going to where MMF is considered normal first line material. Don't get me wrong, I totally think it is okay to do concensually but I've never been to a place where it was a stranger's first thought. You might want to try some other places.
I'm sorry it's becoming an issue with your partner. I can 100% imagine it's a real pain.x
What a wonderful first response - it's so helpful hearing someone else's experiences. I've always been a bit of a recluse so I'm finding it especially difficult to deal with these sort of social interactions, so it's incredibly useful for me to hear from others what works, what doesn't :)
I'm sorry to hear that you've had all those negative experiences of strangers being inappropriate with you though.
Unfortunately, I think it's just the nature of the beast. To be honest, I just don't go out anymore. You can only be called a cow or a whale so many times before you realize it's just not good for your psyche.
But anyway, how have you been trying to manage it up until now?x
If it happens to me I used to talk to them for a bit get a free drink then try and avoid them for the rest of the night. Now if someone did I would maybe just say hi or if I wasn't interested just tell them thanks but I'm not interested and if they don't get the hint at least you have ur friends with u or OH and some places have security too if it's serious. One guy I was seeing, when we went out he acted as a bouncer anyway so saved the effort lol
As a (sometime) single guy, i have a slightly different take than some..
i believe that it's entirely acceptable to hit on anyone, at any time. Free speech, and all that.
BUT you need to do it politely, and - hopefully - with a bit of charm.
IF they say no - and most of the time, they probably will - then back away politely and with dignity. There is absolutely NO need for insults or name calling.
Done properly, hitting on someone should make them feel special and attractive. Don't do it if you can't do it properly.
I don't think the best idea is to accept a drink since it may make the guy believe that you are interested and some guys may even think you owe them something if they paid for your drink.
I always think it is difficult to tell people that I'm not interested. Therefore I just tend to sneak away if possible... If that is not possible, I just tell them that I have a boyfriend and they tend to leave pretty quickly.
HappyJimmy, hopefully you won't mind me asking this, but if you were to hit on someone who is already with someone, what do you hope will happen from the situation? I don't mean the question to sound at all negative, I'm really curious to get a different perspective on this. I'm glad that someone's responded with the view that it's ok to hit on anyone any time, because maybe it'll help me to understand the situations I seem to be in lately :D x
I think it just depends on the club as to what you attention you attract, I get approached a fair bit, when I was married I used to just chat to them and often my ex husband would return from the bar or the loo shake the guys hand and they tended to say, "you're a lucky fella" and that was it! He would always find it a compliment, as would I.
As a single girl I would just say "sorry I'm not interested but thank you"
These days I tend to just say "sorry I'm not single" as sometimes it's easier or when he comes back from the bar/ Loo just introduce him as my boyfriend. I'm happy to chat to anyone anywhere about anything and if anyone asks for my number I just say no and smile as I'm always friendly and approachable!
Unfortunately, I think it's just the nature of the beast. To be honest, I just don't go out anymore. You can only be called a cow or a whale so many times before you realize it's just not good for your psyche.
But anyway, how have you been trying to manage it up until now?x
Just saw this post. I really hate that you've been treated that way, you seem like such a nice person.
As for me, I'm a naturally shy person - in the past, even when I wasn't interested in someone, I just couldn't say so. Even now, I find it difficult, but usually people get the message from me being with my boyfriend, but the most recent guy didn't see that as a deterrent. He decided to invite himself to sit with both of us, then when that didn't work, swooped back when my boyfriend went to the bathroom :/ I just ramble on with polite but boring conversation until they hopefully go away, or my boyfriend saves me. I'd like to be a bit more assertive though because I imagine if I'd been on my own, things would have got very awkward.
People are getting more and more desperate these days. If you're really not interested and they sit with you don't give them eye contact or just look at your phone until your boyfriend gets back. They will soon get bored. Plus people get very 'brave' after a few drinks and act like they're gods gift. Drunk people annoy me lol. Don't let them ruin your nights out though! Plus name calling after someone turns them down is pathetic- no wonder they're desperately looking for someone in a club in the first place!
Yeah. Thanks. It is what it is. Though I will say over the years it's impacted my self esteem terribly. Public humiliation is wont to do that. By and large, I think it's like honeybun says, they're a bit drunk and often with a group of mates. Men in a group will say awful things to women and vice versa. A mixture of toxic masculinity, competition and pack mentality.
I totally agree with HappyJimmy, there is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to speak with anyone you're interested in, as long as you're ready for immediate rejection potentially. Who knows, the person he/she is with could be a relative or just a good friend and it might end up being a missed opportunity! But no means no. It's just not that difficult.
to some extent, it depends on the situation - if they were obviously a couple, and in a vanilla setting, then i probably wouldn't say anything - i'm not fond of getting my teeth kicked in!
but if it was at a sex club, or a kink club, then i'd probably feel that i could ask. After all, if he wants to join in too, that's fine :-)
Thanks for the reply, HappyJimmy. I see what you mean - I'm sure it's pretty ok to at least ask if it's a non-vanilla sort of setting :)
I guess I need to have a bit more empathy and think that if it was a woman coming up to me, I'd be thrilled to be hit on, and guys have no way of knowing really that I'm not looking for another man unless they ask.
I don't mind getting verbally hit on, or chatted up. I find it flattering, even if I'm not interested. I do have a problem with physical advances. I have no idea what makes a person think approaching a stranger and putting their hands on them is going to work as a seduction technique! And yet men do it a lot. I also have a problem with people who don't take no for an answer.
Never been asked for a MMF when out with a guy, though. I don't think any of my previous boyfriends would have been happy about that either.
Personally I don't mind it ,in truth I luv it! . I see it as a comlpliment and I don't think its something that would anoy me. It does if being honest annoy my Mrs a little saometimes when she see other women try chatting me up at the bar when going for drinks. and she saw red when she saw one pinch my bum but didn't do anything to cause a fuss over it . I just got a few virbles and asked if I said anything to encourage it ! Of course I said "No" !
So IMO just accept it as a compliment . And politlely say no if you have to . you won't affend anyone.
Last time i got told "Girl you look good. wanna meet again?" (in a weird voice) I asked if they think I'm so unnattractive that i must be single, or if I'm pretty but seem like the kind of girl to cheat. When he said "well neither. i think..." so i asked if he was going by the term 'any hole's a goal'.
Not a fan of being hit on... Compliments are nice, but where I live you generally don't get compliments from strangers, just harassment. I remember someone actually followed me around town rpeatedly asking "have we met before?" and wanting my number...
I work in customer service and therefore I have to be nice and friendly with people... the problem with many of them being, if you're nice to them, they immediately think you fancy them >< I never really know how to react to this, and I hate getting hit on at work because it's sometimes very hard to make people understand that yes I am friendly but no I'm not interested, I have a boyfriend and I don't want your number and if I keep being friendly, I'm just doing my job...
Outside of work, it's easier to deal with, although I'm not a fan of it.