Hello. This is my first post but I have been reading a while and everyone seems lovely I am sorry for asking for help instead of contributing. I am a female in my 40s and always found it difficult to climax. I bought a Mains powered wand and I was so excited after reading the reviews. It does nothing for me. Nothing at all. I’ve tried a few times now on my own with my partner while viewing stimulating material and nothing. I could just cry. In fact I have cried. I feel it’s hopeless now and nothing is ever going to bring me to a great climax. I have other toys but I get too sensitive with them I often have to stop before I get there. I just feel so sad that I pinned all my hopes on this wand and it’s just done nothing and I don’t know what to do now to get proper fulfilment :( is it worth persevering maybe? Sorry:(
Hiya MsBaldrick, sorry to hear you're feeling so down right now and that you'd pinned all of your hopes on the mains powered wand. I can't orgasm off wands I need pinpoint stimulation so maybe that's the case with You? I'd recommend using a bullet in combination with a dildo or vibrator. Here's some suggestions: bullets ---- https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=39969 https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=39046 Vibes: https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=39969 Dildos: https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=17187 https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=30942 https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=22767 https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=34921 https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=39652 https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=39652 Hope these suggestions have something to your taste. Also you could send your mains powered wand back on the sexual happiness guarantee. All the best👍
Hey MsBaldrick. I’m sorry you’re having a tough time right now. 🙁 I don’t know if this is helpful, but I find that I struggle to reach climax when I’m not 100% relaxed, may that be due to the fact I’m feeling too self conscious about my body or am just stressed about something that happened during the day. Sometimes even the pressure of achieving orgasm can be enough to stop me finishing just as I start to finally get close. My best advice is to enjoy what you’re feeling in the moment and not to focus on the actual orgasm itself. And if you’re not feeling it, you can always dial it back and try again later. It will come eventually (pun intended) especially the more relaxed and happy you are. Maybe experimenting with something new might be a way to have some no-pressure fun? Wishing you the best of luck. ❤️
Hi MsBaldrick, I am so sorry you are going through a sad time. We have also tried a mains powered want and despite it being the most powerful tool in the house it does nothing for my wifes clit. Great for massages but that's about it. There is a reason though, she prefers pinpoint stimulation rather than broad stim. I would highly recommend the Desire rechargable bullet or the Red hot flickering tongue both pin point stimulation and really powerful.
Hello and welcome. 🙂
Asking for help is contributing, so I wouldn't worry about that as it's just what the forum is for. 🙂
We don't get on with the mains-powered wands either as we find them a bit too industrial (too hot, too heavy, too loud). Out of, interest what other toys have you tried?
I think BeckyAnn makes a good point about relaxing and enjoying yourself even if you don't manage to orgasm. It must feel like a very unfair and frustrating situation to be in, but putting pressure on yourself to climax will often have the opposite effect and make having an orgasm much more difficult. When this has cropped up on the forums before people have suggested that going back to basics and taking some time to learn/re-learn how your body likes to be touched can be helpful. I'll have a root around in the old threads and see if I can find the reply I'm thinking of because they put it far better than I could. Ultimately I think it's a bit like sexual mindfulness. 🙂
You could also try reading erotic literature or listening to an audiobook rather than watching porn. Some people find those mediums much more engaging/arousing than simply watching a video.
Toy-wise the clitoral suction-style vibrators may be worth looking at. They work in a different way than traditional vibrating toys and aren't as numbing. They can be quite pricey though, so it's worth doing a bit of research first as they're not the toy for everyone.
Hope this helps 🙂
I think there's some good advice in these threads. 🙂👍
https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/sex-tips-and-talk/1767443-just-cant-cum-help/
https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/sex-tips-and-talk/1771845-cant-get-myself/
We have something similar to this https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=33304 and it does wonders for my wife. Maybe something like that? Is fully adjustable vibrations aswell so can be tuned to your sensitivity
Ian Chimp wrote
I think BeckyAnn makes a good point about relaxing and enjoying yourself even if you don't manage to orgasm. It must feel like a very unfair and frustrating situation to be in, but putting pressure on yourself to climax will often have the opposite effect and make having an orgasm much more difficult. When this has cropped up on the forums before people have suggested that going back to basics and taking some time to learn/re-learn how your body likes to be touched can be helpful. I'll have a root around in the old threads and see if I can find the reply I'm thinking of because they put it far better than I could. Ultimately I think it's a bit like sexual mindfulness. 🙂
I really like the idea of sexual mindfulness. There’s a lot of confusing information out there about female sexual arousal and orgasmic responses. There are, I understand multiple forms of orgasm, and bodies are all different.
I don’t think having difficulty with reaching climax in the ways you’ve tried so far, means you’re unable to full stop.
I’ve recently invested in this really quite helpful book:
https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=23742
It gave me some really interesting in depth explanations about the hidden aspects of the female sexual organs, female arousal, and the ideas of different types of orgasm. You really don’t need to be exploring squirting to get something from this book, trust me!
One thing that blew me away was the in depth look at the clitoris. Most of it’s internal, with the nubbin on the vulva being just the ‘tip’ if you like.
A wand toy is a powerful way to stimulate the good bits for some, with strong vibrations, but they’re only able to stimulate the outer parts for most, unless they have an attachment that reaches into the vagina, or the vibrations hit the right speed for your body and vibrations resonate internally. Vibrations may not be your thing, though. It’s definitely not everyone’s cup of tea. Lots prefer thrusting or internal stretching feelings or pressure to reach orgasm.
My OH really loves a feeling of pressure on the pubis (around the top of the triangle of pubic hair) during clitoral play. This isn’t something that’s easily done in most sexual positions. A wand pressed hard here during other play can be a great way to get off for some!
Again, not wishing to presume your tastes, many, many people also find anal play another great way to stimulate the sexual organs. It’s a very sensitive area and both internally and externally it’s close to the vagina, so playing around the anus, with or without vibration, can give additional stimulation to help with arousal too. As a warm-up, or during sex. Again, this isn’t for everybody. I get that, for sure.
Tristan Taormino’s great book is a really good starting point, or a way to find out more, if you have doubts or questions about anal play:
https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=1554
Hope some of this is helpful.
Happy exploring!
I'm sorry you are going through a tough time right now. Everyone is different so we all respond in our own way to stimulation.
For example, clitoral stimulation alone won't get me to orgasm no matter how hard I try. I also bought a big mains wand thinking that could do it but it didn't. The only thing that works for me is clitoral stimulation WITH vaginal penetration. That's why I love rabbits because they do it all in one but using a clit vibe and dildo of my choice is endless fun. I can even just use my fingers and that will do, too.
If you put pressure on yourself to climax, it will only make it harder to do so. Just relax and do your own thing. Don't forget to use your brain- it's one of the most powerful "sex" organs in your body. I don't watch porn or anything like that so I just let my imagination go wild, lol. If you're in a good state of mind, your body will do the rest.
Good luck.
We all have a solo session that doesn't work out quite how we want, the expectations of a OMG moment, you just don't hit the right spot. Its easy saying relax but relax, pick the right playlist Even finding the right toy can be a journey but a fun one... It will happen give it time 😉
It may be worthwhile seeing your Doctor. Speaking openly about this, and asking for your bloods including various vitamin levels to be checked. I wish you all the best for the future.
Sup I'm a therapist by day, swinger by night. Sounds like your brains come to the conclusion it's not going to cum so you're in that head space of "it's not gonna happen" going into masturbation. You're going to get tenser and less relaxed each time you don't orgasm making it harder to orgasm. See this vicious cycle forming? Ask your GP to refer you to obs and gyne and a therapist can help break that cycle. It's just done wonders for my friends vaginismus which she's had for about a decade x
Hello! I am a very sensitive soul in my head and in other spots. The best thing I have found is a clitoral suction vibrator. Its pricey but it works. I find it best just to relax, breathe and try focus in your other half. I used to have a wandering mind. I would think if ironing, shopping, when the car insurance is due. Clearing your head is difficult but it helps.
Thank you everyone for being so kind and lovely. I will look at every one of your suggestions. I do have various other toys incl a bullet and a clit suction one which do at least get me near the big O but I get too sensitive and have to stop :( same as when I am with my husband I also have some rabbits but I find the shape doesn’t really suit my anatomy. I think you are right I am just getting too tense and it’s just not happening. I just felt so sad after all the amazing reviews and experiences of the wand and I just felt nothing not even a tickle!
Hello MsBaldrick and good for you for posting. You are not alone.
I have a wand and while it is great for back massages I don't like it sexually - too numbing, I need more pinpointed stimulation. Everyone needs to find what works for them as we are all so different.
Some bullets are gentle - the Mantric one is good and not too strong. There are some toys which mimic more gentle oral licking. You sound to have tried a few things already - that might be the way to go. Also, remember that not everyone likes or uses toys! Focus on having an enjoyable time with your partner: climax doesn't need to be the goal.
I agree with what others have said about relaxing and looking at how your mind is responding - a lot of sexual response is emotional and thought-based, as well as physical. Do you get the chance for so undisturbed solo sessions, so that you can explore it all for yourself? That really helped me when I struck problems.
I can't improve on the recommendations others have made, but I can recommend a good book (it's on Amazon in a variety of formats). It talks about female pleasure. 'Come as You Are' by Emily Nagoski - well worth a look.
Good luck!
MsBaldrick wrote:
Thank you everyone for being so kind and lovely. I will look at every one of your suggestions. I do have various other toys incl a bullet and a clit suction one which do at least get me near the big O but I get too sensitive and have to stop :( same as when I am with my husband I also have some rabbits but I find the shape doesn’t really suit my anatomy. I think you are right I am just getting too tense and it’s just not happening. I just felt so sad after all the amazing reviews and experiences of the wand and I just felt nothing not even a tickle!
I hope you find something that works. 🙂🤞
Hi MsBaldrick, I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling sad about your wand, sending you a smiley face to hopefully cheer you up a bit 🙂, best wishes.
Just a thought - MsBaldrick: if you bought your wand from Lovehoney and if it doesn't work for you, you can send it back and exchange it for something else under the Sex Toy Happness Promise (Ithink it is called something like that - have a look?)
I'm a guy. hi hope I can help. Have u tried fantasising about someone you know? Might never happen but could be a real turn on for u. Just a thought MsBaldrick xxMsBaldrick wrote:
Hello. This is my first post but I have been reading a while and everyone seems lovely I am sorry for asking for help instead of contributing. I am a female in my 40s and always found it difficult to climax. I bought a Mains powered wand and I was so excited after reading the reviews. It does nothing for me. Nothing at all. I’ve tried a few times now on my own with my partner while viewing stimulating material and nothing. I could just cry. In fact I have cried. I feel it’s hopeless now and nothing is ever going to bring me to a great climax. I have other toys but I get too sensitive with them I often have to stop before I get there. I just feel so sad that I pinned all my hopes on this wand and it’s just done nothing and I don’t know what to do now to get proper fulfilment :( is it worth persevering maybe? Sorry:(