Hi, bit of a sore spot. I have a good sex drive. I get horny a lot, but I masturbate. Iām married but I just find sex with my OH quiteā¦anti climatic, not to say I donāt have orgasms, I do but theyāreā¦meh. by myself theyāre so much better. I love him and I want to want to have sex with him. What can I do.
4 Likes
@Rebekah29 . Sit down and have an honest and openly frank conversation. Away from the bedroom. You may find he feels the exact same way.
If that is the case, you both need to push the re-set button. Thats providing you both want to make it better.?
2 Likes
@Rebekah29 sit down & have a chat, there might be things you love that heās not doing. He also might be feeling that heās not giving you exactly what you need (in that area)
Talking is the best way to start the road to the orgasms youāre having with solo play!
Maybe take the lead & take control & show him what you want, turn it into a sexy fun gameā
Communication is the key, show him, teach him, use foreplay for him to watch you enjoy yourself, donāt let him touch you or show him how to use toys to fully satisfy you
If you enjoy masturbation, why not start with mutual masturbation or even let him use toys on you to reignite that spark.
Failing that, why not try role play, blindfolds or even couples toys like cock rings etc
As others have said - talk to him. Approach it in a way that he doesnāt feel offended, or that heās unable to satisfy you. Suggest some new toys, new experiences and definitely guide him as to what works for you.
Us men are generally simple things that assume all is well til weāre told otherwise.
And in the meantime thereās nothing wrong with you sorting yourself out as well as involving him. Everyone is entitled to some āme timeā . 
1 Like
@Rebekah29 What is it that doesnāt do it for you? Is there something that you want or canāt get from play with him? Guide, tell and give directions. Us men are terrible mind readers.
Or is it something else? I know Mrs. Val isnāt āinto itā if there are other things going on, lack of trust, etc.
Definitely talk it through - it doesnāt go away on itās own
As most have said communication is the key. But first I think you need to know what you want from the sex. At least then by explaining things he can adjust and attempt to fulfill your desires. Good luck. Iām sure he will be responsive.
Thanks all. I know I need to talk to him about it but when Iāve broached the subject before I get the feeling he thinks Iām saying heās crap at sex, heās not crap, heās the only guy Iāve been with thatās made me O, I never did with anyone before him. Itās just that sex is very samey, we get into bed, kiss and cuddle, touch eachother a lot, nipple play for me, then maybe a bit of oral but that doesnāt do a lot for me, then into it, normally me on top because I struggle to O in other positions. We have toys and things but heās not a big fan of them, I think because an ex told him she preferred toys over him. Iād like to use the toys during sex but I feel like heāll think heās no good for me by himself.
Sorry Iāve rambled a bit. I hope it makes sense.
2 Likes
Approach with kindness and talk about it.
What about having the toys on standby the next time you have sex and introduce them during foreplayā¦
We are exactly the same, but the show is on the other foot. We have a bag full of toys that are going stale and never come out either alone or as a couple.
We have worked around some things to make it more interesting, I have just come to realize that Mrs. Val isnāt into it and actually loses momentum when I suggest something different. I have come to grips with a semi-boring sex life over a sexless marriage. I will take what she gives and love her for it.
I have often said that on here, itās a little disheartening to read about the exploits of some and see photos of them being adventurous together. Itās a slippery slope of jealousy but I wouldnāt trade my best friend and wife for anyone. She does so much for our family that when the thought crosses my mind of the potential of something better, I immediately dismiss it.
Someday when she loses her mind and wants sex all the time, I will be ready!! (or dead)
3 Likes
Sounds like youāre not alone.
I last a lot longer masturbating rather than sex. My current OH is awesome. She orgasims great thru toys etc and pleasure from my hand.
We have great sex but I understand she may have better results other ways, we do talk about it and want the best for each other.
Talk about bout it is the best option. Must be things he wants to try too?
Take turns maybe at deciding how the sexy time will go.
Have you got toys just for yourself? If so buy a couple of beginners toys for him. Maybe say it was a cheap selection offer and suggest that āwhy should you have all the funā.
My OH has always had at least a vibe or dildo but i never had anything previously.
So I got one of the manual hand held stroker things and first attempt thought it wasnāt for me. I started wedging it between the mattress so its āhands freeā and its much better.
Give him the confidence to realise that toys are definitely an addition to both of your sex play both together and solo and not a subtraction.
Good luck 
First hand experience here 
For me it was that my orgasms alone, I was able to concentrate and focus just on myself without thinking about anything else. I always let OH do what he did and yes Iād orgasm but I knew it could be better. So I spoke to him about it, we tried a few new things including toys and we found the sweet spot for us both. Now we have the best sex either of us could ever have expected.
3 Likes
Communication is key, there is also a degree of honesty and soul searching for yourself, what is it self pleasure gives you, that sex with your OH doesnāt?
For us PIV sex just didnāt stimulate her enough to have an orgasm, regardless of which position we tried. However the introduction of a wand on her clit whilst having sex and wow!!!
It might be a conversation to have, introducing toys into your love makingā¦
Would you both be comfortable masturbating for/with eachother
Obviously itās still a conversation that you also need to feel comfortable having
But after we spoke about when and how often we masturbated to eachother our PIV sex got better as over time we learnt what gave eachother pleasure
Our sex life now is great but still have lots of mutual masturbation sessions, as you can still give and get pleasure to make yourselves/eachother orgasm
The other thing you could try is introduced a toy, my wife enjoys her bullet vibrator for masturbation or sex
But like a lot have said communication is best but not always easy to start on a subject as this
1 Like
I am in same boat but mines sinking 
Maybe he just needs more words of affirmation around adding in the toys? Especially if someone has ruined it for him in the past.
My OH was the one to introduce toys so really not a big deal for him, but I still reiterate that using them solo is no where near as good as using them with him. Which is absolutely true.
Just as I like hearing him say going solo isnāt as good as how I feel. I know he prefers me because he still has very good sex with me when he could just easily see to himself instead 
but damn if I like hearing it!! Even if his solo time IS damn good, knowing that Iām better is all I want to hear
Everyone needs their ego stroked a little
Even someone rock solid with something would appreciate the encouragement.
Likewise, my OH knows heās not crap at sex because of my reactions. I could easily not say anything and he knows Iām loving it.
But after weāve cleaned up and snuggled a bit we will tell each other how good it was and our favourite bit and really just encourage each other of a job well done after the heat of the moment has passed. Commonly we just say we loved it all, sometimes itās specific.
But definitely when we try something new we do take the time to discuss what we liked about it in a bit more depth. We avoid discussing what we should do differently until another time so as not to make it feel like we could have done better there and then and make it feel like we are marking our own assignments
Some people just need that encouragement so is that something you could add in to your routine to start with?
At first it might feel a little strained but it could go a long way.
Is there anything besides toys that would be a big yes for him? If you donāt know you could always ask if he has any fantasies.
Maybe itās lingerie, then start there and once thatās well incorporated you can talk about adding in another green light from him. Eventually, once the new/ daunting things for him have been transitioned in with plenty encouragement and well received he might be in a better place to consider toys, and youāll know that you can be extra kind and wise with your encouragement for that.
2 Likes
Have you considered what sort of things you find better during solo play that youāre not getting during sex with your OH?
Then maybe can say to them to see if theyād be willing to try it out on you to see if it makes any difference 